by Jeff Strand
And he didn't have the courage to put them out of their misery. The merciful thing to do would be to leap into the air as high as he could—which was pretty high—and land with both feet on their head. Splatter their brains and end their agonized existence. But he couldn't bring himself to do something like that.
They moved past the person on the ground, plus many more who may or may not have been already dead, until they reached the parking lot.
Employees had their own section of the lot, which was the furthest from the building. Cars were leaving the lot at a steady rate. A dead man lying on the ground didn't have enough spiders covering him to hide that his legs had been run over.
The sirens didn't sound like they were getting closer.
A woman ran past them. She seemed to recoil at the sight. If scary clowns carrying a dead clown was a more upsetting image than the death all around her, this woman had issues.
Wagon let out a squeak as a spider crawled on his foot. He kicked his foot high in the air, sending the spider sailing about twenty feet. "I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay," he insisted.
They reached the employee lot. "Which car is yours?" Depravo asked.
"It's at the very end!" said Wagon, pointing.
"The shitty multi-colored one?"
"Yeah."
They hurried over to the car, which was right next to a spider-covered chain link fence. Though most of the vehicles were gone, there was a truck directly behind them and a car next to them. As far as Jaunty could see, the truck was empty. The car was not. The two teenagers inside would not be driving it anywhere.
"Guffaw has the keys," said Wagon. "I'll get them if nobody else volunteers but I'd rather not."
"I'll get them," said Bluehead. She patted Guffaw's right pocket, then turned her head as she reached inside and retrieved the key ring. She handed the keys to Wagon, who went around to unlock the trunk.
"We can't just throw him in the trunk!" said Jaunty.
"Do you want his dead body in the car with us? That's morbid, Jaunty."
"I respect Guffaw to the fullest but I don't want him slumped against me as we drive out of here," said Reginald.
"I agree," said Bluehead. "I love him and I understand that he won't have started to smell yet, but having him in the car with us just isn't appropriate."
Jaunty decided that they were right. It was a tight fit with all of the clowns in there so it wasn't as if they could scoot away from the corpse. He and Depravo gently lowered Guffaw's body into the trunk and then closed the lid before any spiders could get in there with him.
Guffaw was always the driver, but Jaunty would have to take on that role now. He got in the front. Reginald got in the passenger seat. Bluehead, Wagon, and Depravo got in the back.
"It's okay if I flee with you guys, right?" asked Depravo. "I took an Uber here."
"Of course," said Jaunty.
"I'm sorry I fired you."
"I'm sorry I quit."
"We'll talk the rest of it out at a more appropriate time," said Depravo. "I just wanted to do a quick apology so you weren't stewing over it."
"It's fine. I wasn't stewing." Jaunty turned on the engine.
"Watch out!" said Reginald.
Since the car was not yet in motion, Jaunty wasn't sure what he was supposed to avoid. Then he noticed the other car careening toward them. Jaunty was boxed in, so he couldn't back up or really do anything but hope that the car didn't strike them.
The car didn't hit them. It crashed into the fence. Didn't break through. Came to a stop.
Now they were completely boxed in.
The car didn't back up. In fact, they couldn't see the driver anymore. They waited patiently for a few moments for the driver to pop back into view, put the vehicle in reverse, and back out of their way, but that did not happen.
"Somebody should move that car," said Reginald.
"I know," said Jaunty. "I keep waiting but I think the driver is hurt."
"I meant one of us."
"Oh."
"Since I'm the one who said it out loud, I suppose I volunteered myself," said Reginald.
"I don't think that's necessarily the case, but if you are officially volunteering, I don't think anybody will argue."
"I'll do it," said Bluehead.
"No, no," said Reginald. "I'd like to redeem myself for my earlier paralysis."
"There's no need for redemption," said Bluehead. "If I had spiders crawling on me like that, I would've done the exact same thing. In fact, I'd still be screaming."
"That said, I think I should be the one to go out there."
Reginald got out of the clown car and walked around to the other side of the car that had struck the fence. He walked back very quickly, got inside the clown car, and locked the door.
"The driver is dead," he reported. "There are more spiders in the car with him than I would have expected. I could reach in there, put the car in neutral, and physically roll it out of the way, but I'd need volunteers to help."
Spiders had already started crawling all over the vehicle.
Depravo lowered his phone and cursed. "Can't get through to 911. All circuits are busy."
"Other people must be calling about the giant spiders," said Wagon.
"You think?"
"Maybe we could switch to a different car," said Bluehead.
"Does anybody know how to hotwire one?" asked Depravo.
Nobody did.
"None of you have criminal pasts?" asked Depravo. "What kind of clowns are you?"
"Clowns aren't supposed to have criminal pasts," said Jaunty.
"I thought circuses were seedy environments where you ripped off gullible marks and stuff."
"No, you're thinking of the old-time carnivals that had freak shows."
"Maybe we should just wait it out," said Wagon. "Every second we're out there is one more second we can get bit. If a fire truck shows up, they can blast those things with water and wash them away. It's not like we're trapped out in the middle of nowhere. We're at the most popular attraction in town. They aren't going to leave us here to die."
"Normally I prefer doing something over doing nothing," said Reginald. "But Wagon has a point. It's five clowns versus thousands of giant spiders. We should let the authorities handle it. We're safe in here, as long as the spiders can't chew through metal or glass, which I assume they can't."
"It's probably the smart thing to do," said Bluehead. "We won't be here long enough to have to start worrying about food sources. At some point I'll go insane and decide to take my chances with the spiders, but I'm not there yet. Let's wait it out."
Jaunty turned off the engine. "No action it is."
* * *
Half an hour later, the clown car was completely covered in spiders. Jaunty could occasionally clear a viewing area by starting the engine and turning on the windshield wipers, but for the most part it was difficult to see what was happening around them.
"I know we all voted in favor of it," said Wagon, "but I'll take the blame for this idea. It wasn't a good one."
"I would've thought we'd get through to 911 by now," said Bluehead. "Or that somebody would have showed up to rescue us. Or that the spiders would've left. Or that one of us would have volunteered to exit the car and go for help."
"Government services have a lot on their plate right now," said Jaunty. "I'm sure they're killing the spiders sector by sector. They'll get to us. We'll be fine. I'm not the least bit hungry and I don't have to go to the bathroom."
"I had to go to the bathroom before the spiders even started attacking," said Bluehead. "And I'm the only one who can't just pee out the window."
"I have to pee, too," said Depravo, "but I'll let my bladder explode before I stick my dick out that window."
Jaunty turned around in his seat and glared at him. "You're not my boss anymore, so how about you not use the d-word around me, okay?"
"I'm still everybody else's boss."
"Do you really think they're going to reopen th
e Mountain of Terror this season? If the windows weren't covered in spiders, I'd see at least a half-dozen dead customers." Jaunty felt guilty about the casual reference to death—those customers probably had families and pets—but he wasn't in the mood for Depravo to talk about his genitalia in crude terms.
"Can I say wiener?"
"Wiener is fine."
"Then I shan't be extending my wiener out the open window lest it doth get bitten by a spider."
"Not quite Shakespearian."
"What's your problem, Jaunty?"
"My problem is that Guffaw is dead in the trunk of this car, and we may very well be joining him. In being dead. Not in being in the trunk. So, yes, please forgive me, Depravo the Satanic Clown, if I'm a bit testy!"
"I apologize," said Depravo. "And when I asked what your problem was, I obviously knew what the problem was. I only said that because I'm also completely stressed out."
"That's all right," said Jaunty. "This is difficult for everybody."
"Honestly, we should all be proud of ourselves," said Bluehead. "There have been a lot of tense moments, but nobody has gone completely nuts. I'd say that considering the circumstances, we're an amazingly sane car full of clowns. You think the actors from the other rooms are handling it like this? You think the skeleton dancers aren't at each other's throats right now?"
"I'm not trying to subvert your inspirational message," said Wagon. "But the skeleton dancers probably aren't trapped in a parking lot right now. Again, I take full responsibility for this—I just wanted to point that out."
"Fair enough," said Bluehead.
"We need a distraction," said Jaunty. "Let's all share our best memory of Guffaw."
"I feel like I'm being argumentative here and it's not my intent," said Wagon. "But sharing our best memories of Guffaw is kind of going to do the opposite of distracting us. It's really just going to remind us over and over that he's dead. I'm not saying we shouldn't do it. I'm just saying that I'm not sure I'll feel distracted."
"I think it's a good idea," said Bluehead. "It'll remind us of happier times."
"Which is basically any time that's not now," said Wagon. He sighed. "You know what? I'm going to stop talking. I feel like I'm bringing everybody's mood down and I don't want to be that guy."
"I remember that time when one of us made fun of Guffaw for putting so much ketchup on his macaroni and cheese, and he said 'Oh, you haven't seen too much ketchup yet!' and he emptied the entire rest of the bottle—which was almost full when he started—into the bowl. And then he ate the whole thing. It made him physically ill and we had to go out and buy more ketchup, but he'd do anything for a laugh." Jaunty wiped a tear from his eye. "He was such a great guy."
"Rats," said Bluehead. "I was going use the ketchup memory."
"Speaking of rats," said Wagon, "If we're trying to distract ourselves from the horror surrounding us, we should at least be happy that there aren't giant rats out there along with the giant spiders. Imagine how much worse that would be."
"You're continuing to not help," said Reginald.
"Sorry."
"What's your favorite memory of Guffaw?" Jaunty asked.
Reginald thought for a moment. "I hate to say the ketchup anecdote, but that's what springs to mind. It's because I'm too terrified to think clearly right now. He's done a lot of funny things, kind things, beautiful things, but I can't specifically recall any of them. If you hadn't shared the ketchup story, I wouldn't have been able to think of that one, either."
"My favorite memory is when he told me that you could all do cartwheels," said Depravo. "And he wasn't lying. You could all do cartwheels. I was impressed."
"He did love doing cartwheels," said Jaunty, and began to cry. This made Reginald cry, which made Bluehead cry, which made Wagon cry, and then all of the clowns except Depravo were weeping, but even Depravo was misty-eyed.
They reminisced for a long time. The fond memories of their friend made it possible for Jaunty to, for seconds at a time, forget that the car was covered with spiders. Then he'd glance at the windshield and be reminded.
Hours later, they were still trapped in the car. They'd befouled a soda bottle, and Bluehead had ruined a comic book to form a makeshift funnel.
"Who knows how much longer we'll be here?" asked Jaunty. "We should take a nap. It'll make the time go faster if we're unconscious, and we'll be rested in case we have to abandon the car and make a run for it. I'll keep watch for the first shift."
Everybody agreed that this was a good idea, and soon the car was filled with snoring clowns. Jaunty just stared at the windshield, wishing they had more than one comic book in the car.
The snoring should have kept him awake, but instead it made him tired.
He was exhausted.
Jaunty knew that closing his eyes would be a terrible idea, so he held them open for as long as he could. But he had to blink sometime.
He blinked.
He blinked again.
On the third blink, his eyes stayed closed.
* * *
When Jaunty opened his eyes, the car was dark.
But not simply because it was night. The entire automobile, or at least all of the windows, were completely covered with webs.
Jaunty was glad they had an old car without power windows—he didn't need to turn on the engine to roll down the window, which would have awakened the others. He rolled it down just far enough that he could stick his hand outside. He brushed away some webs, giving him a tiny view of the outside world.
Webs everywhere. Nothing but spider webs, as far as he could see.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Jaunty quickly rolled up the window. The other clowns weren't going to like this.
"Hey, everybody?" he said. "You should wake up."
The clowns began to stir. The realization that the car was completely covered with spider webs woke them up pretty quickly.
"Not to be a downer, but it doesn't look like anybody is coming to rescue us," said Jaunty.
"I'm not getting any signal," said Depravo, looking at his phone.
"I'm not going to lie," said Jaunty. "I fell asleep for a few hours even though I was supposed to be the one keeping watch, and when I peeked outside everything was covered with webs. I'm sorry."
"Apology accepted," said Wagon.
"No! Apology not accepted!" said Depravo. "How could you fall asleep? It wasn't even all that late!"
"I'm not trying to make excuses, but Guffaw died horribly, spiders went on a rampage, and I lost my job. It was an exhausting day."
"Let's not point fingers," said Bluehead. "We've got more important things to worry about than debating which one of us fell asleep instead of keeping watch."
"The identity of the sleeper isn't up for debate!" said Depravo. "Jaunty fell asleep, and now we're all boned!"
"Let's not overreact," said Wagon. "What would Guffaw want us to do now?"
"Not fall the fuck asleep!"
"If we all die, I'll accept the blame," said Jaunty. "But it's time to move past my fatal blunder and figure out what we're going to do. Sure, there are a lot of webs, but maybe the spiders themselves have moved on."
"That seems unlikely," said Reginald.
"Yet not impossible. I don't know how spiders work. If they ate all of the corpses littered around the area, maybe they're off in search of other prey. I apologize—that was macabre. Those corpses belonged to human beings and I'm disappointed if they became food. Still, we can't stay in the car forever, so until we're proven otherwise I think we should assume that the spiders are gone."
"No, we can't stay in the car forever," said Bluehead, "but we can wait it out for a while longer. I don't know about the rest of you, but I haven't had a single cannibalism-related thought the entire time we've been trapped in here. I could easily go another forty-eight hours before my mind starts moving in that direction."
"Oh, yeah, I'm not the slightest bit close to thinking about cannibalism," said Wagon. "If Bluehead hadn't brought
it up, it would never have crossed my mind. And we'll get thirsty before we get hungry anyway."
"And just to be clear, the thought of drinking anybody's blood is the furthest thing from my mind," said Bluehead. "I mean, I guess there are other things that are further, like mathematical theorems or philosophy and stuff. I'm just saying that I can go a really long time before I start looking at anybody's veins. A long time."
"I don't want to be in here with you guys anymore," said Depravo.
"We're safe for now," said Jaunty. "But the longer we wait, the hungrier and thirstier we'll get, and the more our muscles will atrophy. I vote that we get out and push that car out of the way so we can drive out of here. All in favor, say aye."
Everybody said "aye."
"Should one of us stay in the car with Bluehead just in case things are worse than we realize and we need to repopulate the earth?" asked Wagon. "I'm not saying that I'd be the one to do it. I'm just making sure we look at this from all sides."
"It wouldn't work," said Bluehead. "None of you want to hear about my uterus, so let's just say that it wouldn't work. When I was much younger it was harder to accept that I could never bear children, but I came to terms with it, and I knew that I could always adopt. And now, with our future so tentative, I'm relieved that I never brought a child into the world. I couldn't handle the thought of my son or daughter being killed by those spiders while I watched. It would destroy me inside."
"I'm so sorry," said Reginald. "I never knew."
"None of you knew. It wasn't something I was comfortable talking about. And of course you're all too much like brothers for me to ever think of procreating with any of you, so there was never any reason for the topic to come up."
"You people are fucked up," said Depravo.
"We're clowns," Jaunty explained.
"It's time to stop talking and start moving a car out of the way," said Reginald. "The logical next step is for one of us to get out of this car to make sure it's safe for the others. That way we minimize our losses if there's a swarm of spiders ready to pounce."