“Wouldn’t you for once just like to not feel all of that? To be carefree?” She doesn’t look up at me, she keeps her gaze on my baby.
“I would like to forget it, but what’s the side effects? If I do some pills, am I going to get addicted? Am I going to turn into one of those junkies willing to do anything to get their next fix? That isn’t what I want,” I tell her honestly. I can’t believe I’m sitting here in a park having this conversation with a girl I barely know.
“I know you don’t, I mean who really does want that?” She sits the bottle down on the bench between us, and sits Kody up to burp him. “Pills aren’t addictive, especially something with a low dose.”
“If I want something, it has to be something I can do in the morning, and it be gone and out of my system by dinner.”
“You could take a pill. I would stay away from meth or heroin. That stuff is messy.”
Yeah, sure. Only those two are messy. All righty then. “All right, get me whatever pill will make me forget.” Nodding, she hands Kody’s puffs back to me and pulls out her phone. Presumably to text her drug dealer. I don’t even want to know the name of what I’m getting.
If I don’t acknowledge it’s presence then it doesn’t exist, right?
“He’ll be here in just a second. I’m going to go over to our meeting spot now. I’ll be back.” Without a backwards glance, she speed walks away from us. Looking around the playground, I see Kay is digging in the sand with another little girl that looks to be around her age.
I’ll try it one time. If I don’t get anything out of it, I won’t do it ever again.
I’M ON MY WAY to my parents’ house to drop the kids off. I’m heading to my biological father’s house today. As I pull into my parents’ driveway, it hits me that I was never upset with them for keeping it from me. I’m more upset from the rejection at not being wanted.
How could I be mad at people who were selfless enough to adopt a child that wasn’t biologically theirs in any way? They gave me a great life. I was in an accident in high school so they had to fill in a couple blanks from after I woke up, but it was nothing serious. I could never hold a grudge at people who gave up so much for me.
My mom is waiting on the porch for us as we pull in. I park the car right next to the front porch and leave it running as I get out to help my mom unload everything.
“I should just stock up on diapers and bottles here. So all you would have to bring is the kids. You know?” She comments as she tries to get Kody out of his carseat. I just stand there and laugh as she struggles. “These things were never that difficult when you were little.”
“I’m sure. I remember getting out of mine all the time by myself.”
“Yeah, you were quite the little escape artist. No matter where we tried to keep you still and in one spot you always got away.”
“Dad always told me stories when he would put me to bed at night about how much hell I raised.”
Kay goes running off to the backyard. My dad is probably out back tinkering in the garage. The man hoards stuff like crazy, keeping things he says he’s going to fix but never does.
“Well, you better get back on the road. You have, what did you say, like an hour worth of driving?”
I head back over to the driver side of my car. “Yeah, something like that.”
She nods as she rocks Kody back and forth to keep him happy. “Be careful. If you get too tired, please stop and take a break. And text me when you get there and when you leave to make sure you’re not dead.”
“Oh, stop. I’m picking up Michelle. She’s meeting me at Walmart a couple towns over. So she’ll assure that I don’t die. Don’t worry, Momma. I’ll be all right. No one will mess with my best friend,” I laugh as I tell her.
“Lord knows that’s right. Well, I would still like a text or phone call so I know what happens either way, okay?”
“All right, Mom.” I lean over and give her a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll let you know what he’s like and what happens. I won’t leave anything out.”
She smiles at me and turns to head back inside the house.
Now it’s on to a mini road trip with my bestie.
WE’VE BEEN ON the road for ten minutes. Ten minutes is all it took for Michelle to be bored. She’s changed the radio station at least ten times, she’s complained that she should have gone to the bathroom before we left, and she has asked me numerous questions without letting me answer a single one of them.
Jesus, she is just about as exhausting as trying to take a road trip with two small children.
She goes to pick her phone up and plug it into the auxiliary port and I snap. “Michelle, I swear to god if you change the music one more time I’m dropping you off at the next rest stop and leaving you for the creepy truckers!”
Her head snaps in my direction and her eyes are wide. She opens her hand and lets her phone fall back into her lap. “What the hell, Lyla?”
“Girl, you are driving me nuts. I swear to god if you don’t chill I’m going to smack you!”
Michelle curls her lip at me. “I can’t help it I’m not a good road tripper.”
“We’ve been on the road a total of twenty minutes now. We have like twenty-five left to go since you didn’t meet me at my house! Don’t forget we have more time together, it’s best not to annoy the driver this soon.”
Glaring at me she sits back in her seat and faces forward. Trying her best to ignore me. And to sit as still as possible. This will be fun.
“What are you doing later tonight?” I’ll try to distract her, maybe if I can keep a conversation going with her it will alleviate my own nerves.
“I guess it all depends on what time we get back. I’ll probably have to crash at your house because I won’t want to drive that far back home.”
Nodding, I don’t take my eyes off the road. I know my exit is coming up soon and I don’t want to miss it. “That’s cool. I’ll text Ben and let him know. Hey, grab my phone and pull up Google Maps, please, and go to the last address. I don’t remember which exit I’m supposed to actually take.”
Michelle reaches for my phone and does what I tell her. I continue to look at every exit sign going as slow as I can on the highway. This is why I hate Columbus, everyone is all in a rush to get everywhere. So the out of towners get honked at when they’re trying to figure out where they’re going.
Idiots.
“Looks like in two exits you need to get off.” She sets my phone in the cup holder closest to me so I can see the map and hopefully hear the directions. I get quiet as I get off the highway. Following my turn by turn directions I end up in the ghetto.
Damn, it’s like the ghetto of the ghetto. When we’re told our destination is on the right, I pull to a stop on the side of the road. And I just sit there and stare at the house my biological father lives in. The windows are boarded up, but it looks like someone is still living there.
I risk a glance at Michelle, already knowing what I’m going to see on her face. “I guess this is it. Are you coming out with me?”
Giving me a skeptical look she whispers, “Do you think you’ll need me?”
“Don’t even. You offered to come with me, which means right up to the door and inside!” I whisper back.
Growling some obscenities under her breath, she starts to unbuckle. Shoving her phone into her purse, she hops out of the car. I do the same, and hesitantly walk around to the other side to stand next to my friend. I click the alarm on the car. I’m not messing around here.
Needing to just get this over with, I start towards the door. Not even waiting for Michelle to fall in step behind me. Because I know she will. Once at the dilapidated front door, I slowly reach my arm out to knock. Taking a step back, I strain my ears to see if I hear any movement on the other side.
And I don’t hear a single thing. Damn.
“Nothing?” Michelle asks from right beside me.
Shaking my head, I walk over to the window and look in. Placing my hands around
my eyes so that I’m able to see easier. And what I see has me completely grossed out. There is trash everywhere, it looks like every hoarder’s wet dream. Gross.
Walking back to the door, I pound on it a little harder than last time. Hoping that if he’s sleeping he’ll be able to wake up from it. Or whoever is on the other side of this door will actually open it.
I hear a door open from the house next door, trying like hell I hold my head still from glancing over. That doesn’t stop Michelle from swinging her head in that direction. Nosy. She pokes her finger into my arm, hard. And I jump from the pain.
Shooting her a scathing glare, I hiss, “What the fuck?” Her eyes are wide as she nods towards the house that the door opened. Still rubbing my arm, I finally turn towards where she wants me to look.
There, standing on the front to porch, is a man. With a tattered robe on, hair poking out in all directions, and a scowl that looks like it’s permanently etched onto his face. Despite the pallor of his skin, his eyes are bright. If dark brown eyes can be considered bright.
Taking a step closer to the railing of the porch I’m currently on, I clear my throat. “Are you Robert?”
His lips lift into a sneer. “Who wants to know?”
Michelle barks out a laugh. Clearly not trying to hide it.
“Are you always this pleasant? I drove an awful long way to meet you.” Trying to pile on the sweetness in my voice. Not wanting to make him more standoffish.
“If you don’t tell me who you are, I’m done entertaining this conversation.” He edges back towards the door he came out of. Giving me only seconds to make my decision.
“Do you know a Melinda?” His eyes narrow a little, but I don’t miss the affection that flashes through his eyes.
His eyes search my face before dropping to stare at the floor on the porch he’s on. “I knew Melinda. She passed away a few years ago from a drug overdose.”
Sucking in an involuntary gasp. I try to hide the sudden emotion overwhelming me. My real mom is dead. And she died of an overdose. And I’m willingly allowing my life to go that direction. I may not be an addict, like I’m sure she was, but all it takes is one time to kill yourself.
Swallowing the lump that formed in my throat is repeat my first question, “Are you Robert?”
Nodding, somewhat hesitantly, his eyes bore into mine.
“I’m Lyla.” Then rethinking, “I mean, I don’t know if that’s my birth name. But I was given your name as my biological father.”
“Yeah.” That single word carries so much emotion.
Michelle clears her throat. “I’m going to go wait in the car.” She reaches into my hand, grabs my keys and turns away without another word.
“Do you, ah, want to come in for a minute?” Nodding, I cautiously walk down the steps and over towards the other house. Walking up those steps, Robert is standing there holding the door open for me.
I walk in before him, and just stop in the door way. Not sure where to go, now that I’m here. The door closes behind me, and I step aside to allow him to walk past. He motions towards a living room area. And I say living room very loosely. There is a love seat and a chair. Both look like they’ve seen better days. The TV is sitting on cinder blocks and is one of those old, tube style type. The paint on the walls have a yellow hue, no doubt from cigarette smoke.
I take a cautious seat on the edge of the love seat. Robert sits himself in the chair, which puts him diagonally across from me.
Looking everywhere but at him, I say, “Soooo . . .”
He dives right in without wasting time with small talk. “Lyla is your birth name. Melinda talked about that name immediately after finding out you were a girl. Even knowing she would never be able to keep you. There was no way we could properly care for you, we both wanted you to have a home that was a home. We were stuck moving from place to place our entire lives.”
Not sure what to say I just nod. I’m trying to keep my expression neutral. Not wanting to irritate him at all and have him clam up on me.
“She missed you something fierce. Not a day went by that she didn’t wonder what kind of life you had, what kind of parents you had, if you were happy. I would often find her sitting on our bed just staring at a newborn photo of you.”
That causes me to tear up. I wasn’t expecting to feel any emotion except anger toward the two people who brought me into this world, except I’m left feeling a great sense of compassion and thankfulness.
“I don’t know where we go from here, or if we do have a direction to go from here. I’m trying to clean up my life. I’ve started going to AA and am working with a sponsor. I would like to know what you’re up to, if you have kids, what you do. It doesn’t have to be much, I just want to know you’re okay.”
Swiping at a tear that escaped my eye, I suck in a deep breath. “I think we can arrange that. Do you have a cell phone or a house phone?”
“I have a house phone, I can’t always guarantee it’ll be on. But if it is off it is usually only for a couple days.” I write my number down on a piece of paper that he handed me. And I store his number in my phone.
“I’ve been married for a couple years now, to a great guy I met in college. Ben is his name. We had MaKayla, Kay, almost a year later, and then Kody almost two years later. We live about an hour north of here. Ben is a great husband, he takes such great care of us and provides whatever we need. My adopted parents were great. I really had the best life.” More tears leak down my face, and I can see them collecting in his.
I glance down at my phone and see the time has flown since I’ve been here, and I can’t really leave Michelle out in the car too long by herself. “I should get back out to my friend.”
Standing up from the seat, he stands up also. And we both stare at each other.
“Can I . . . am I allowed to hug you?” The fact that he even asked that shows how much he actually cares about me. I close the few short feet between us and wrap my arms around his neck. And even though he’s really dirty and smells bad, I think this is one of my favorite moments.
WHEN I GOT HOME from dropping Michelle off at her car, I came in the house and just sat on the couch. Unsure of what to do with myself, I was content to just sit there. At least until it was time for me to get the kids or whenever Ben came home. Whichever came first. All I know is that I definitely didn’t expect what happened today.
I expected for him to tell me whatever it is he needed to tell me to move on with his life and then not want anything to do with me. But that definitely didn’t happen. I feel like maybe, just maybe, I might be able to have a semblance of a relationship with him. Obviously not as a father figure, because I kind of like the one I already have, but as friends.
Hopefully.
Dragging myself up off the couch, deciding I’ve sat there long enough just thinking about things, I go upstairs and change into comfortable clothes. Pulling out a couple different dresser drawers I finally find the yoga pants I was searching for. Putting them on, I strip off my shirt and my bra. Throwing on a sports bra and one of Ben’s shirts, I love wearing his shirts. They always smell like him.
Trudging back downstairs, I go through my routine of picking up. I find all the clothes and throw them in the laundry, pick up all toys that Kay has left strewn about and put them back in the toy box in the corner of our living room. I even grab the duster and dust the entire downstairs.
I’m not sure what has gotten into me and made me want to actually clean. My mind is running, and this is one of the times that I would rather go lay down in bed and just sleep. But, cleaning is actually helping me process what all I did today.
Now if I can just get this sudden burst of energy to carry over for more than just today that would be great.
BEN SENT A TEXT earlier today that he would go pick up the kids for me, but that he wanted to hear how today went when he got home. I successfully cleaned the entire downstairs. It looks as if I paid someone to come in and clean with the way I’ve been neglecting it.
I hear Ben’s car pull into our driveway, and I come into the living room with a full glass of wine to relax on the couch. No sooner do I plant my ass on a cushion, the front door opens and Kay comes running into the living room full speed, running right towards me. I scramble to get my glass of wine of the coffee table before she crashes into me.
“Mommy!” Her tiny voice screeches as she finally connects with me.
“Hey, baby. Did you have fun at Gramma’s house?” I honestly don’t think she would ever have a bad time there, that woman is going to spoil these kids rotten.
Her eyes grow wide as she starts to answer me. “Mommy, oh my gosh. We did so much stuff today! We went outside, we played inside, and we also drove Papa nuts.”
I’m sure those are his words, not hers. Which only makes me laugh. This little girl will repeat anything she hears, I’ll have to have a chat with Papa.
“All right, Kay. Time for Mommy and Daddy to talk, so why don’t you go to your room and play for a little bit? We’ll come get you when it’s time to eat.”
Her shoulders sag, like it’s such a hardship to have to go play for a little bit. “Okay, Daddy.” She stomps off to her room.
Ben grabs Kody and brings him over to the couch. Handing him off to me, I snuggle him into my chest and kiss his forehead. Ben settles himself on the other side of the couch. He grabs my legs and pull them up in his lap.
“So how did today go?” His hands slide to my feet and hold on to them, in a grip just shy of being too much. He’s probably been worrying all day about this and how it would affect me.
I raise my eyes from his hands, looking him in the eye. As if I’m willing him to see the truth behind the words I’m about to say. I don’t want him hovering over me for the next week waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. “Everything went really well today.”
His single eyebrow raises, while giving me a look of disbelief. I bark out a laugh and recount how the very beginning of the whole meeting went. By the end of it he’s laughing. “If there was any doubt that you were his child there wouldn’t be after you two stood off towards each other. What did Michelle think?”
In My Head Page 9