by Sarah Ahiers
The men were competitive but friendly, with good-natured jokes and jeering. A few of them only spoke Mornian, but we were able to communicate easily with gestures and help from the others.
When we finished another round, Nev got to his feet and pulled me after him.
The men complained, asking us to stay, but Nev patted his empty coin purse and then we were free of the common room, out among the menagerie once more.
Nev took my hand as we walked past the cages and something trilled in my stomach. I bumped his shoulder with mine and he chuckled. Lovero was so different from Rennes, from Yvain. It had brought me this night, which had been full of Nev and his hands and lips and smile and laugh, and the company of the other men and games and salted meats and oil to drink, which I’d actually started to like by the end of my second glass.
And this was nice. Kissing Nev had been nice, too, and fun. But this, walking with him in the night, in comfortable silence, was almost better.
I glanced over at him. He smiled at me.
The menagerie, the travelers, Nev, all were temporary things, of course. They no more called Lovero home than I did. They chose where they wanted to go, and just went.
I had a choice, though, too. Yvain or Ravenna. Saldana or Da Via. Family or family.
My hands shook and I pulled my fingers free from Nev’s. The usually crowded menagerie was surprisingly empty. Empty enough that I began to wonder what time it was. I frowned as Nev led me through the menagerie and toward the exit.
The tiger roared and Nev paused. It roared again, and Nev sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“What is it?” I asked.
“I must deal with something.” His voice was low and resigned. I followed him as he strode to the far side of the menagerie where the tiger was displayed.
The space was empty of Loverans for the time being. But there was someone in front of the tiger cage. A traveler woman with strong shoulders and hair almost as short as Brother Faraday’s, her skin brown even beneath the menagerie lanterns.
She spoke quietly to the tiger. But he pinned his ears and bared his teeth. The whites of his eyes shone brightly and he crouched in the back corner of the cage.
“Perrin!” Nev barked at the woman.
She turned, and when she found Nev she smiled slowly.
Nev asked her something in Mornian. It was too quick and complicated for me to work out. The woman, Perrin, responded.
They conversed, Nev using short, clipped words and Perrin speaking slowly, almost languidly. She glanced at me once, but otherwise paid me no mind.
Finally, she laughed and strode away.
The tiger kept his ears pinned, but I could read the tension easing from his shoulders as Perrin left.
“One moment,” Nev said to me.
He walked behind the tiger cage and returned with a tarp. He tossed it over the cage and the tiger made a sort of growling sound before Nev covered him from sight.
“What was that about?” I asked as Nev returned to me.
He shook his head and led me back toward the exit. “She teases the tiger.”
“Why?” I asked. Teasing a caged animal seemed cruel, especially for a traveler who raised and cared for animals.
“Because she knows it will anger me. He is my tiger. I take care of him.”
“Why does she want to anger you?” I asked.
Nev exhaled slowly. “She is . . . angry with my family. She does not let me forget it. She is a bully.”
We’d reached the entrance to the menagerie and he led me outside. “I have had enough of Perrin, though,” he said. “Come.”
Then he slowed his pace, content to walk beside me as we strolled through the streets.
“I’m jealous of your life.”
His eyes creased in disbelief. “Why?”
“You surround yourself with these amazing animals. You travel wherever you want. You see the world. You’re free.”
He tilted his head. “I travel for my family. Earn money. It is my role. I do not feel free. But I do not want to talk about the menagerie. I live with it all the time while we are here.”
He inhaled deeply, then turned and faced me. “Tell me. What is fun to do outside the menagerie?”
I twisted a piece of my hair. I hadn’t actually done much, besides visit the menagerie and then have fun with Nev. I supposed we could explore together.
I smiled, but before I could answer another voice spoke up.
“Yes, Allegra. Please enlighten us about what could be so fun.”
I turned and found a man directly behind me, arms crossed over his chest, scowl on his face.
Les.
twelve
LES STARED AT ME AND NEV. I COULD PRACTICALLY hear his teeth grinding.
Les was angry. Les never got angry, not really. Sure, sometimes he swore when he hurt himself or one of us got in a good shot while sparring, but actually angry like this? Never. That had always been Lea’s expertise.
“Who are you?” Nev stood in front of me. It was kind of endearing, how he thought he was going to protect me.
Les spat in return, something in Mornian that made Nev bristle.
I stepped between them before things could get out of hand. “Everything is fine, just calm down.”
“Calm down?” Les narrowed his eyes. It seemed I was playing with a delicate bomb here. I needed to defuse the situation.
I faced Nev. “It’s fine, he’s my family.” Nev relaxed. I leaned closer and lowered my voice, well aware Les could probably still hear us. “I’ll see you later.”
He grabbed my hand and kissed my knuckles. “Will I see you again, kalla?” Beautiful.
I leaned forward and kissed him, quickly, to leave him wanting more. “Yes. Until the festival ends.”
He nodded. “Until the festival ends.”
Les shifted behind me.
I had no idea if I was lying to Nev or not, but I wanted it to be the truth. Nev had been the single bright spot in my life since I’d reached Lovero. It had only been a few hours, but my life had been completely overturned in that time, and Nev had been warm and simple and sweet and I suspected I would want more of that in the next few days.
Nev nodded briskly to Les and then headed back into the menagerie.
I watched him go, knowing as soon as I faced Les, his anger awaited me. Finally, I couldn’t hold it off anymore. I took a deep breath and turned.
And there he stood, arms still crossed over his chest, jaw still tight, even tighter than it had been, maybe, if that was possible.
“You’re angry.” Sometimes stating the obvious could end the situation. Or it did with Lea, anyway. She didn’t like to think she was too predictable.
“What do you think?” he asked.
“I’m not sure,” I said carefully. “I guess it all depends on why you’re angry at me . . .”
“Ghosts weep, Allegra,” Les swore. “Can you honestly be so blind?”
I didn’t respond. I didn’t want to make him angrier.
He dropped his arms to his side and his fingers twitched like they searched for something to do. Strangle me, perhaps.
And then he hugged me, arms wrapped around me tightly, chin pressed against the top of my head.
“We didn’t know where you were,” he whispered to me harshly. “This isn’t Yvain, where we only have to worry about ghosts and lawmen. There are people who would hurt you. Clippers who would hate you purely because you carry the Saldana name.” Les released me.
“We’re safe in Lilyan,” I said. “I wasn’t in any danger.” Lies. I hadn’t stayed in Lilyan. If the Da Vias had wanted to kill me, they could have.
Les shook his head. “You told Lea you would be back by midnight. Dawn is approaching.”
“I got distracted by the menagerie.”
We walked down the street. “Just the menagerie?”
I scowled. “No,” I said. “That wasn’t the only reason.”
Les sighed. “You should stay away from
him. He is dangerous.”
“How can you say that, you of all people?”
“I say that because I used to be one of them. I have very few memories of my childhood in Mornia. But I know when they travel, it is a chance for them to make as much money as possible, and they won’t shy away from that. But it’s also a chance for them to spread their wings, so to speak. They will be needlessly reckless. It is dangerous. Every time they travel, some won’t return, for whatever reason. He could bring trouble.”
I looked at Les then. Really looked at him. Had Nev seemed safe to me because Les had always seemed safe to me in the past? Les was only half traveler on his mother’s side, but still. They clearly shared a heritage.
But I knew what it must be like for the travelers. To feel bound and trapped and then want to live wildly while you had freedom, even if it was just for a moment, really. A small breath in a lifetime of feeling unable to breathe.
And anyway, what right did he have? Lea and Les had lied to me my whole life. Had stolen me from my true Family. They were the ones who were dangerous. Who I needed to stay away from.
“He’s not like that,” I countered.
“They’re all like that.”
“You don’t know him.”
Les glowered. It didn’t really matter. We’d reached the house and I knew this argument between us was just a glimpse at what was waiting for me inside when I faced Lea.
I swallowed.
“Come,” Les said gruffly. He was trying to remain angry with me, but he, too, knew the yelling and the arguments that awaited me.
I couldn’t escape this confrontation. I couldn’t escape what they had done to me. They couldn’t keep lying to me. Not when I told them I knew the truth.
There would be no more secrets between us.
“I told you to not stay out later than midnight,” Lea said as soon as I entered the house.
Les leaned against the kitchen counter. I slumped on the couch, feeling my body relax. I tugged at my scarf, freeing my necklace. I was tired and more than anything sought my bed.
I stared at Lea, all righteous anger. Like she had any right to it.
You stole me.
“It was an accident,” I said instead. Mostly true. “I’m sorry.” Not true at all.
My whole life is a lie.
I glanced around the room but it was just the three of us. “Where’s Emile?”
Does he know? Was he complicit in your lies? Your secrets?
“Don’t change the subject—” Lea said at the exact same time Les said, “Out with Elena Caffarelli.”
Caged. I remained caged while he got to fly free. Yes, I’d had my own time with Nev, but I’d had to take that, steal the time to be with him.
It had been worth it.
I narrowed my eyes. “So, Emile gets to go out and enjoy the Susten festival with his betrothed as long as he wants. But I’m only given a few hours, and then am scolded like a child when I forget the time?”
I didn’t belong here.
Lea’s cheeks reddened. I’d scored her.
“Emile gets more freedom because he’s shown us that he can be responsible with it.”
I shook my head. “No. Emile gets more freedom because he’s Emile and he doesn’t want it. Because he does everything you ask and tell him to do, like a good little Family member, like a perfect-fitting Saldana.”
You’re the reason I never belonged. I’m a stolen child.
Lea pinched the bridge of her nose.
“Allegra.” Les sighed, the fight draining out of both of them. “We’re only trying to keep you safe.”
No. They were only trying to keep me caged, with lies and half-truths and betrayals.
But I knew the truth about it now. My whole life I had felt like I didn’t belong with them. That all I did was disappoint them, and all they did was disappoint me. And now I knew the reason for that was because I wasn’t a Saldana. Was never supposed to be a Saldana. I was a Da Via.
Lovero, Ravenna, this was where I belonged. With my true family and Family. With them I would finally fit.
My skin flushed. I opened my mouth, ready to confront them about everything.
“I know,” I said instead, the fight leaking out of me. Maybe I could keep secrets, too. Maybe I could be the liar for a change. “I know.”
I slept through the next day, only waking once the sun was sinking past late afternoon and into evening once more. My sleep had been heavy, and dreamless. Everything I had experienced the day before—the fight, the Da Vias, the emotional upheaval, the relief with Nev—had exhausted me more than I would have guessed.
I hadn’t done it. Hadn’t confronted Lea and Les. I was a coward, maybe. But now the power lay with me. I controlled the lies, the secrets. And I could decide when to break it all apart.
Food awaited me downstairs in the kitchen, as well as my family. They sat around the table, conversing quietly. My chest constricted tightly and all the questions and lies and feelings flooded over me once more.
Was this what it was like for them? Did they feel this way every time they looked at me? Every time they lied?
I couldn’t stay with them. I couldn’t continue to be Allegra Saldana, not when I knew she was built on lies, built on a foundation of betrayal, of stealing me from my real family.
“Glad to see you’re finally awake.” Les’s bright smile was like a dagger to my chest. His lies seemed worse, somehow. Lea was at least the head of the Saldana Family, and like Marcello had said, Family heads always had secrets. Les couldn’t claim the same excuse.
Not that being Family head was an excuse, either.
“You missed Elena,” Emile said. “She stopped by with her parents for a visit.”
That explained the flush of Emile’s skin. “You could have woken me.”
But of course they hadn’t. Why would they want to parade me around? The Saldana who didn’t belong.
Les waved that aside. “You needed the sleep.”
“Besides,” Emile said, “she’s coming back with us. You’ll have the rest of your lives to get to know each other.”
I turned away, using a choice from the pastry selection to cover my own flush.
I couldn’t do it. If I went back with them after Susten, back to Yvain, I would be culpable in my own kidnapping. I would be shutting the door on my little cage and throwing away the key.
“We’re leaving for the fealty once the sun sets,” Lea said.
I shoved a pastry in my mouth, too hungry to try to savor it. The dough was flaky on the outside and chewy in the middle and stuffed with sugared figs and herbs.
I could stay, here in Lovero. Return to Ravenna, the Da Vias, my mother. Become who I was truly meant to be. Finally find out what it felt like to fit somewhere.
I brushed my hand free of crumbs. “I guess I should start getting ready, then.”
“I’ll come with you,” Lea said.
My stomach twisted and I regretted eating the pastry so quickly.
Upstairs we changed into our dresses and then met in my room to pin up our hair in the Loveran style.
“This is the nicest dress I’ve ever worn.” I petted the embroidered fabric. If I just focused on talking about minor things, like my dress, I could keep from thinking about what Lea had done.
“I know.” Lea twisted my hair and shoved pins into the mass to hold it in place.
“We can’t ride in these.”
“We’re taking a carriage to the palace.” As she slid in another pin, it scraped against my scalp and I hissed.
“Sorry.” She cleared her throat and grabbed another pin. She avoided my eyes in the mirror. She was preparing to say something to me. I dug my fingers into my palms. She couldn’t know the truth. There was no way.
“Did you have fun last night?”
I blinked and turned to look at her, but she grabbed my head and made me face the mirror once more. She slipped another pin into my hair.
“I thought you were angry with me.�
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She scrunched her nose, then pulled out one of the pins and moved it to a different spot. “I can feel more than one emotion at a time, Allegra. Les told me you met someone?”
I scoffed. It was Denny all over again. She only cared when she thought there was someone who could pose a threat. She only ever cared when she thought I might escape from my cage. “His name is Nev. He’s a traveler. But I did other things. I met a Caffarelli. I ate delicious food.”
Lea laughed. “I remember Loveran food.”
I cleared my throat. “They have a tiger at the menagerie.”
Lea’s eyes found mine in the mirror. “You’re sure you saw a tiger?”
“I know a tiger when I see one.” I paused. “Do you think they could be Les’s family?”
I hadn’t made the connection while there—I’d been too busy kissing Nev. My arms prickled with guilt over not considering it before now. I didn’t want to think that Nev could be part of the family that had abandoned Les to the streets of Yvain, not caring if the ghosts took him or he starved.
“I don’t know.” Lea twisted one last piece of hair around my face. “He’s probably the only one who would know.”
She paused, hands stilled over my hair. “You’re being safe, right?”
I rolled my eyes. “It was absolutely safe out there. The only clippers I saw were Caffarellis.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
I pressed my lips together. She always saw the heart of things. Maybe it was because she had seen a god, once. “Don’t worry about that.”
Nev and I hadn’t slept together, and anyway, I was always good about taking the concoction Lea had made to prevent pregnancy.
“That’s also not what I meant.”
I turned in my seat and faced her. “I’m not going to let anyone break my heart.”
“Hmm,” she said. “That’s the thing about broken hearts, though. They sneak up on you.”
We fell into silence. Sometimes it was nice, spending time alone with Lea, just the two of us. But now I measured everything she did and said against the truth I’d discovered.
We could never go back. Things could never again be the same between us. Between me and my Family.