by Sarah Ahiers
But I knew those secrets now. The truths behind the glances.
“I’m so tired of this.” My time to be calm. To be deadly. “You keep secrets from me, and then are disappointed when I keep secrets from you. Where do you think I learned it?”
“You!” Lea shouted at me, her face filled with rage and frustration and something else. Fear? I reeled back. “You have no idea about this. The Da Vias . . .”
She paused and closed her eyes, trying to gather her thoughts. And I wondered if any other Family would have been acceptable. Had it been the Maiettas or Gallos or Zarellas who had stepped in to face the Addamos with me, would she react as strongly?
I suspected not.
Lea opened her eyes and turned to Les. “What are they doing? What are their plans here? I can’t work it out.”
“I didn’t even see them at the ball,” Les said. “What were they doing in the streets of Genoni?”
I shifted on the couch. “They were on their way to the ball,” I said. “There were two of them. One was Bellio Da Via.”
Lea blinked a few times rapidly. “Did he speak to you? Did he”—she paused, like she was weighing her words carefully—“try to convince you to do anything?”
This was the time. This was the moment to speak up. To tell them I knew everything. How they had stolen me as a child. How Lea had killed my father, her own brother, and taken me from my mother and escaped with me to Yvain. How she was the reason I didn’t fit. She was the reason for all of it.
I swallowed. Opened my mouth to tell them everything.
“No,” I said instead, my voice barely more than a whisper. “They didn’t ask anything of me.”
It would be a fight, when I told them. When I shared that I knew the truth, and that I wasn’t going home with them. And I couldn’t do it now, not after the fight we’d just had. Not after Les had been so frightened for me.
And I had said the end of Susten. That I would give them these last few days together. I would wait. There was still time.
Lea’s shoulders slumped in relief. Because as far as she knew, nothing had changed.
“No more festival, Allegra,” she said to me. “You’ve lost the privilege to leave the house alone.”
“What?” My breath caught in my throat.
“You heard me,” Lea said. “You don’t tell us where you’re going means you don’t get to go anywhere alone.”
My bodice squeezed my chest harder than it had before, making it difficult to breathe. I stood, trying to bring more air into my lungs.
Trapped. Everywhere I went I was trapped.
I stumbled to the back door.
“Allegra,” Les said at the same time Lea asked, “Where are you going?”
“To get some fresh air,” I mumbled. “Unless I need an escort for that?”
Lea scowled, but her cheeks reddened.
I pushed the back door open and stepped outside into the cool night.
The fresh air had an immediate effect and I took a deep breath, palm pressed against my stomach. Breathe. The first step in any sort of conflict was to breathe. With enough breath I could remain calm, could make rational decisions. Strength only came from a cool mind and heart.
Of course I had learned all this from Lea.
I squeezed my eyes shut. I wouldn’t cry. Not for this. Not for them.
But it didn’t matter how much I slowed my breathing, the tears still trickled down my cheeks. “Be calm and make rational decisions” was a jest. There weren’t any decisions for me to make, rational or otherwise. I had no power. I had no control over my life. I was trapped, caged. I was the tiger in the menagerie.
From the stable in front of me I heard a noise. A rustle that sounded too much like cloth to be one of the horses.
I rubbed my cheeks and picked up my dress, walking across the stones to the stalls. In the far corner I found Emile and Elena pressed against the wall together, kissing. Her hands had slipped beneath his shirt, pushing it up, exposing the bare skin of his stomach.
I gasped in surprise.
“Legs!” Shock colored Emile’s voice. Elena removed her hands and he tugged his shirt back into place. “You’re home.”
Anger and jealousy flared up in me. Emile did whatever he wanted. He didn’t need an escort. They trusted him when they didn’t trust me. And maybe sometimes I wasn’t trustworthy, but maybe sometimes if they just loosened my reins, I could show them that they didn’t need to hold on so tightly.
But of course they held me tight. If they loosened their grip on me, they might lose me altogether.
“I see you were looking hard for me,” I snapped at Emile. I’d wanted it to come out harsh and strong. But instead my voice broke and my eyes filled with tears again and I just couldn’t stand to see the surprised looks on their faces, which faded to something like pity.
I turned and fled from them.
“Allegra!” Emile called after me, but I ignored him. It didn’t matter, anyway. What could he possibly say or do that would change anything? He got everything. He lived a life of safety and control and it was exactly what he wanted, so he could never understand me. Had never really understood me before. And when it had just been the two of us it was easy to ignore our differences. But now he had Elena so he didn’t need me.
Inside, Lea and Les sat together on the couch.
Les looked like he wanted to say something but I ignored him, too, walking up the stairs to my room where I closed the door, trapping myself inside.
Just another cage, really.
Even if it was a cage of my own making.
seventeen
I DIDN’T SLEEP.
I couldn’t sleep.
I stripped off my dress, and stood there, clutching it in my hand, while I stared at the mirror, lost in my own thoughts.
Les’s necklace hung against my breastbone, its blue stone pale in the dawn light that crept through my window.
Nev had rejected me. Had sent me away like I was nothing, just a fling he’d had while traveling. Less than that, really.
I pressed my fingers against the necklace, feeling its warmth from my skin.
I had just met him. We barely knew each other.
But it didn’t feel like that. We’d talked for hours. Shared memories, plans, hopes for the future. I’d thought, here was someone who understood me, truly. Here was someone who felt the same way I did, but who had an access to a sort of freedom I would never know.
And he had thrown it all away for nothing.
“Don’t let it hurt you,” I said to myself in the mirror.
But it did hurt. Everything hurt because everyone betrayed me.
I dropped my ball gown on the floor and found a clean dress. I slipped it over my head, tugging it into place. I draped my scarf on my shoulders.
Lea and Les had stolen me. Had taken me from the Family I belonged to, the person I was supposed to be, had caged me in Yvain and called it love. And family. But it was all lies.
Love wasn’t supposed to hurt.
I wrapped my scarf too tightly around my throat and was forced to loosen it.
The Da Vias hadn’t hurt me. Hadn’t caged me. Val and Claudia—my mother—had let me go when I’d run from them. Val had helped to save me from the Addamos, and then let me go on my way. They trusted me to be safe. They let me have my freedom.
I was meant to be a Da Via. I belonged with them.
I closed my eyes, trying to ease the pain behind them. My breaths sped and I pressed my hand to my chest, trying to slow them. The air in my room was stale, trapped. I needed . . . I needed . . .
I stumbled to my bedroom window and shoved it open. A small morning breeze puffed in my face, but it wasn’t enough. I was suffocating. I needed more.
I climbed out of my window, sliding down a drainpipe until my feet touched the stones of the courtyard. But it was too much, the building behind me. It loomed over me.
I walked. I walked away from the house, from my Family, inhaling deeply, trying t
o find enough air, trying to ease the ache in my chest.
I walked down the empty streets, past the square where I had eaten the fish skewers. Past the shadow puppet stages, stagnant in the dawn light. Past everything until I found myself at the Ravenna and Lilyan border, the street running between them neutral territory.
I stopped. My breaths, my heartbeat had returned to normal again. I stared at Ravenna. The city that was supposed to be my home.
If I crossed the line now, I could find her again. My mother. Become a Da Via. Return to the life I was always meant to lead.
If I crossed the line now, maybe I would belong, finally. The door to my cage would open and I would no longer be trapped.
If I crossed the line now, there was no going back.
“Allegra,” a voice called.
Claudia Da Via stood across the street from me.
She looked beautiful in the morning sun, with her blond hair pulled neatly back and her gray dress highlighting the smoothness of her skin. Seeing her like this, I could understand why my father had loved her.
No. That was dumb. I didn’t know my father. I didn’t know anything about him, so I couldn’t begin to guess why he’d loved Claudia Da Via. And I didn’t know her, either, nor what about her was worthy of love. She said she’d searched for me in Yvain, when I was a child, but here I was now, and she wouldn’t even cross the street.
“Come home with me.” She extended a hand, like she wanted me to take it, like I was a child and she could pull me back into her arms.
But I wasn’t a child.
“Did you kill the Saldanas?” I asked her. I thought about the Saldana shrine, the statue of Lea, yes, but behind it the house a charred ruin, a testament to what the Families could, and would, do to one another if given the chance. “Did you burn them in their beds while they slept?
Her hand dropped slowly to her side. “No. I was in labor. You were born that night.”
I closed my eyes. I couldn’t decide if it was fitting or not that I had been born the same time the Saldanas had been dying. But it was just one more lie I’d been told. My birthday wasn’t even the right day.
“You were worshipping Daedara,” I said.
Daedara, a god of light and fertility. The Da Vias had turned their worship to Him in secret. It was why their family had grown so large. Why Estella Da Via had ordered the murder of the Saldanas, lest they find out.
“We all were. We were commanded to by our Family head. I don’t regret it, Allegra. He brought me you.”
I snorted. I couldn’t help it. He hadn’t brought her anything, then.
Val appeared beside her. He said something to her, then glanced across the street and saw me. He scowled.
“Come home with us, Allegra,” Claudia said. “You’re a Da Via. You should be with your Family.”
“You’ve given the Saldanas eighteen years,” Val added. “Don’t you think that’s long enough?”
I blinked. It seemed so logical, so straightforward when he said it like that.
But that wasn’t how the Families worked. We didn’t get to go back and forth between Families. When Elena married Emile, she would move to Yvain with us and become a Saldana. She couldn’t just return to being a Caffarelli whenever she wanted, not unless the marriage completely fell apart, and even then, if they had children together, the children would be Saldanas and remain in Yvain.
And I’d promised myself I’d stay a Saldana until the end of Susten.
Across the street, Claudia and Val stiffened, focusing over my shoulder.
I turned.
Behind me stood Lea, still dressed in her full leathers, bone mask covering her face, knives held in her hands. With the morning sun cascading over her she looked like a replica of the marble statue at the Saldana shrine.
“Allegra,” she said, her voice slightly muffled behind her mask. She kept her eyes focused on Claudia and Val across the street.
“Lea,” Val called. “So nice of you to join us.”
“Let’s go home,” Lea said to me.
“She’s coming with us,” Claudia said.
Lea tilted her head slightly. “And yet she stands here in Lilyan.”
Which was true. I hadn’t gone to the Da Vias yet.
“Allegra,” Claudia said. “I’m your mother.”
My chest burned at that, because she was my mother and I’d spent my whole life wanting one and wanting to know about her and now here she was before me and I couldn’t bring myself to cross the street.
“I won’t stop you,” Lea said quietly to me. “But if you cross that street, it is a final decision. You know this, right? There will be no wedding for Emile and Elena for you. There will be no celebrating Faraday and Beatricia’s baby. There will be no more time with me and Les. You will be gone from our Family. You will be gone from us.”
I took a step away from the Da Vias. Susten wasn’t over yet. I’d told myself I was a Saldana until the end of Susten. To have time to say good-bye.
“You can’t take her again,” Claudia shouted at Lea.
Lea spread her arms. “I don’t see you stopping me.”
“You’re by yourself this time. No ghosts. No Marcello. No fake clipper by your side.”
“These are all truths, Claudia,” Lea called. “And yet, you still haven’t crossed the street.”
Val spoke quietly to Claudia. She narrowed her eyes.
Lea inclined her head and turned her back on them. I went to follow but from the corner of my eye I saw Claudia shove Val, and then she was after us, racing across the street so quickly I barely had time to react.
“Claudia!” Val shouted.
Lea reacted. She hadn’t even sheathed her knives so when Claudia leaped at her, daggers in hand, Lea spun and blocked her strike.
Claudia was taller than Lea, and just as fast, but Claudia wore a dress instead of leathers and Lea had come prepared for a fight.
I stared at the two of them, utterly frozen. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know who to help. If I stepped between them and one of them backed down, the other could use the opportunity for gain. But if I didn’t step in, they could kill each other.
Their fighting pushed them down the street, toward a market specializing in baked goods. Barrels of flour and sugar stood beside stands displaying loaves of bread.
“Stop!” I raced to them. I watched their hands, their arms, legs, looking for an opportunity to disarm them, but they were so fast. Had it been me in the fight, I would have lost already.
Running footsteps behind me. I spun. Val charged, having gained the courage to cross into Lilyan. I yanked my dagger from my belt. Val dashed to the right, nearly crashing into a flour barrel. He sprang toward me, fist flying up in my face. Flour exploded in my eyes.
Blinded, I lunged toward where he’d been. My knife struck air.
I frantically cleared my face. He wouldn’t kill me, but I couldn’t be sure about Lea.
A woman screamed. I gasped and blinked. Through muddy vision I spotted Val between Lea and Claudia, his own knife brandished before him. He sprang at Lea, forcing her to defend against both him and Claudia.
I coughed and rubbed my eyes. Lea needed help.
And then we were no longer alone. Clippers dropped from the roofs around us, beautiful in their black leathers, their bone masks decorated in purple patterns. Five Caffarellis come to stop the invasion on their territory.
Val saw the Caffarellis behind Lea and grabbed Claudia’s arms. He yanked her behind him and sheathed his knife. He held his hands before him and pushed Claudia backward, toward Ravenna.
“You are outside your territory, Valentino and Claudia Da Via,” a Caffarelli called. He wore metal claws on his hands and his mask had purple flames. Brand had come himself.
Val waved his empty hands before him and continued to push Claudia back, though she struggled against him, trying to get past him to attack Lea again.
“I apologize on behalf of myself and my sister,” Val said. “It will
not happen again.”
The Caffarellis strode closer to Val and Claudia, forcing him to push her back even more. I stepped behind them and rushed to Lea’s side. She hadn’t sheathed her knives yet, and I kept mine out as well. Anything could still happen.
Finally Val turned and grabbed both of Claudia’s wrists, squeezing until she gasped and dropped her knife.
Val gave a hasty bow to the Caffarellis and then dragged Claudia back toward Ravenna.
She fought against him, all wrath and rage until finally she screamed, a loud, high-pitched sound that grated against my ears. “You can’t have her again!”
This was not the calm woman I’d met at the restaurant. This was someone completely different, lost in her fury.
Val pulled Claudia across the street until they were safe in Ravenna once more. They disappeared around a corner.
Beside me, Lea sheathed her knives. I did the same, and then brushed more flour from my eyes.
Brand approached Lea and she conferred quietly with him. He nodded, and he and the other Caffarellis returned to wherever it was they had come from.
Then it was just me and Lea, alone together on the street.
eighteen
WE WALKED HOME IN COMPLETE SILENCE, NEITHER OF us knowing what to say.
Or, more likely, Lea had been trying to decide where to start because when we finally reached the house, she stopped me before we went inside.
She stared at me from behind her bone mask. I knew she wanted to take it off. She never liked to have serious discussions with the Family behind the mask, but she couldn’t remove it in public. She wouldn’t let the common see her face. It was too much of an ingrained habit with her. Sometimes it seemed the bone mask was her true face.
“You . . .” she started to say, but then paused. I didn’t offer her any help, mostly because I knew if I started talking first, I would either break into tears or start screaming, and neither of those seemed like good things.
“I don’t even know where to begin,” she finally said.
I licked my lips. They tasted chalky and dry from the flour. “Don’t you?”