by Jessa Eden
Eyeing the chocolate strawberries, I wondered how I could hold a baby, a drink, and one of those mouth-watering treats when I heard a low, deep rumble that burst open into a hearty laugh which made my back go ramrod straight.
I knew that laugh.
I loved that laugh.
Shivers shot down my spine as I turned 180 degrees, my eyes searching out the owner of that deep chortle.
No, it couldn’t be...
I examined the crowd, but it wasn’t hard to figure out where the laugh was coming from as I zeroed in on the source. Standing head and shoulders above most people there, Beau Shepard was chucking it up with a stacked redhead clad in a blue mini-dress.
Holy crap!
What was he doing here?
I froze for a stunned second as my heart galloped against my chest in an attempt to explode out of me.
Was this really happening?
Was I really looking at Beau Shepard in the flesh?
Yep, I was.
My entire system lit up in stunned exhilaration, as if Publisher’s Clearinghouse had shown up at my door with a million dollars. I gasped sharply, my drink sloshing in my hand as the baby let out a loud squeal.
Uh-oh.
Beau’s head turned sharply at my commotion, our eyes meeting in full out contact. His glance widened as our gazes met, his ruddy complexion paling a bit.
Oh my god.
Twenty years fell away as his steely blue gaze held mine and I was suddenly just a young girl again, head over heels in love with a boy.
We stared hardcore at one another as I blushed, thinking how fiercely we loved each other once. Until it was shattered one fateful summer day, when everything fell apart and I was forced to make a hard decision.
The last time I had seen him, his face had been dark with heartbreak; his blue eyes dulling with pain as he had turned, running out of my life for good. I had watched him flee, taking my heart with him.
I had wanted to take it all back, but I couldn’t.
I lived with that guilt every day.
But Beau was obviously thriving.
He’d filled out since the last time I saw him. He was still lean, but now he had defined muscle under his dark blue tailored sports coat hugging his broad shoulders.
The midnight blue of his jacket brought out the red highlights in his brown, closely cropped hair. His slightly arched brows were creased in concentration, while his scruffy five o’clock shadow and strong jaw gave him a sexy, sophisticated vibe which meant he was all grown up now.
I half expected to see his famous smirk grace his full, even lips, but all I got was a scowl as his expression turned from shock, to awe, to a hardened rage as he held my gaze; his scathing stare sharp and unflinching.
Hard. Bitter. Hollow. Broken.
God, what had happened to him?
He made my heart hurt.
I had always hoped that somehow, even though we weren’t together, he had managed to live happily. Before the days of Google, I kept track of him through newspaper clippings and the occasional news story. Still, it was a shock to see him fifteen feet from me, looking so cold and unfriendly.
I cringed as his face became an unreadable mask again and he broke eye contact, deliberately turning away. My ears began to buzz in embarrassment and I wanted to flee, but I had a baby and a drink in my hands.
Turning swiftly around, I located Emma through the haze of my panic. I thrust the baby back into her arms, downed my drink, and high-tailed it to the bathroom.
I shut myself in a stall and sat down, wringing my hands, trying to shut down the memories threatening to spill over and make everything messy.
“I love you, Marla. Marry me,” Beau said, kneeling down on bended knee, his face earnest and open, shining with love one summer day after we had graduated high school.
“Yes!” I cried, deliriously happy to marry the man I loved.
I threw my arms around him, feeling like I had been given the world.
A cherished memory.
One of the most amazing moments in my life.
I would give anything to have him look at me like that again.
Instead, his gaze had been full of sneering distaste.
He hated me.
I had always feared that, and now I had confirmation he’d never forgiven me.
I was doomed to hold my love for him indefinitely.
A single tear slid down my right cheek as I thought about all the pain I had lived with, and all the pain I had caused. More tears rushed down my face as my heart swirled with relentless regret.
I longed to explain so many things to Beau, to make him understand I had no choice but to break up with him. He needed to know the truth...if only I was strong enough to tell him.
Knock, knock!
The jarring sound pinged through the small bathroom as I wondered what I was going to do about Beau.
“Marla?” my sister’s sweet voice floated through the stall door. “You okay?”
“Yes,” I said quickly, wiping furiously at my face. “I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? You don’t sound fine.”
“I’m not gonna lie. I’ve been better.” I knew my sister had the best intentions, but I wasn’t ready to share what was happening to me.
“Can I do anything?”
“No...” I sighed. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
“Okay. Are you gonna be out in time for Micah’s speech?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there,” I said as brightly as I could muster.
“You know I’m here if you need me,” she offered gently.
“Yeah, I know.”
I could feel her trying to figure out what to say to me.
There wasn’t anything to say.
Missing my long-lost love just sucked.
“I’ll see you in there,” she finally said, realizing I needed my space.
“‘Kay.”
She left, the swish of the door telling me it was safe to come out and face myself. I didn’t want to go back in there, but I didn’t have a choice. I wasn’t about to let Micah and Emma down because I was an emotional basket case.
It was time to pull it together and put on my game face.
I gently opened the door, peeking around to make sure I really was alone.
The coast was clear.
I couldn’t believe my reflection in the mirror as I stood in front of the sink. My mouth was tight with sadness and my glance reflected the years of pain I had suffered. My heart was hanging on by a thread.
But I had survived worse.
I wasn’t going to crumble. I was just going to get through this.
I washed my hands, powdered my nose, and reapplied my lip gloss. I wasn’t about to look as shitty as I felt.
Bravely, I headed back, unsure of what awaited me as Micah started his speech. I stood at the back of the conference room as I leaned against the wall and crossed my arms.
Everybody seemed so normal, laughing and smiling with each other, seemingly without a care in the world. Meanwhile, I wanted to scream, to let out the pressure building up inside of me, and say, “I can’t stand this anymore! I am dying of a broken heart over here!”
Melodramatic, I know and not so rational...so instead, I tapped my foot rapidly against the thick floral carpet and crossed my arms tighter across my chest.
“Thank you everyone for coming today,” Micah announced from a podium at the front of the room, looking strong and confident as he spoke. “I wouldn’t be here without my beautiful wife, Emma. She is my inspiration to do something greater with my life than just play hockey,” he explained as he smiled lovingly at his wife, his eyes shining with adoration.
God, I wanted a man to look at me like that.
“So today, we celebrate the opening of the Micah and Emma Turner Foundation...” he continued to speak and outline all the plans for the charity as I looked for Beau.
He was easy to spot, standing to the right of the podium, several rows in front of me. His back wa
s toward me as I took in the width of his shoulders, the strength of his back, and the ruggedness of his profile as he turned to peer at his date.
I couldn’t stop staring at him.
He was still so beautiful.
The energy he’d exuded when he was young had grown into something more carnivorous and ruthless. He reminded me of a tiger—quick and deadly.
I couldn’t help but notice he seemed much more interested in getting it on with the redhead than listening to Micah’s speech. She was glued to his hip, draped over him like some flimsy nightie that would flutter to the floor, forgotten in the light of the day.
Still, he was with her.
Not me.
Her bare shoulder rubbed suggestively against his arm, letting me know they were intimate with each other. My stomach twisted hard as he whispered softly into her ear and then gently bit down on her earlobe.
Wow, that stung.
Tears formed in my eyes again as I looked away, unable to keep myself from being crushed by how easily he had moved on.
Give it break, Marla. It’s been twenty flippin’ years.
So what?
There were no statute of limitations on love.
Beau had been branded on my soul.
I wiped a tear from my eye as Micah wrapped up his speech. “So eat up and enjoy!” he said in closing, as everyone started clapping and cheering.
Good, I could go.
I’d had enough for one day.
I sought the crowd searching for Emma and headed over in her direction.
She was standing with the baby, looking happy and serene with her life.
For the first time ever, I was envious of my sister.
Not that I didn’t wish her every happiness or share in her joy.
But she didn’t have any skeletons in her closets just waiting to burst out and mess up her life.
She smiled sweetly at me as I approached her. I tried to grin back, but failed miserably as I got straight to the point. “I’m gonna take off.”
Her sweet blue glance pooled with sympathy as she tilted her head sideways. “Oh, honey. Won’t you tell me what’s wrong?”
It was all I could do not to burst into tears. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. I just gotta go.”
“I understand. Will you call me later?” she asked, patting my left forearm soothingly.
I nodded slowly after I kissed the baby on the cheek. “Yeah, I’ll call you later.”
More compassion filled her angelic face. “Okay.”
“Bye,” I managed to say as I turned around to leave.
Big mistake.
I plowed directly into Micah and Beau and bounced off the human wall they created standing together.
Oh, shit. I did not need to see Beau face to face.
“Whoa, Marla. Where’s the fire?” Micah teased as he steadied me.
I caught Beau’s icy blue gaze. “Uh…nowhere...sorry,” I said, flustered.
“No worries. I just wanted you to meet one of our board members, Beau Shepard,” Micah introduced politely.
I managed to paste a fake smile on my face. “Yes, I know Beau.”
“Oh yeah, Marla and I go way back,” Beau agreed, staring at me coldly.
“You do?” Emma asked, looking back and forth between us.
“Yep.” Beau confirmed. “But that’s old news.”
Emma shot me a where-have-you-been-hiding-him glance. “Old news, huh?”
I shook my head discreetly, my eyes begging her to let it drop.
“Don’t you remember me, Emma?” Beau probed.
“No, should I?”
“I don’t know...should she, Marla?” He fired off another calculating stare in my direction, daring me to reveal the truth.
I cleared my throat, trying to relieve the painfulness of this conversation. “I knew Beau in high school, Emma, and I tutored him in English,” I said evenly, not wanting to rip open the whole sordid affair.
Beau scoffed. “Is that what you call it?”
“It was a long time ago. Emma was pretty young then,” I claimed, wondering how I could get out this mess.
“I kinda, sorta remember,” Emma said, closely studying Beau’s face as if it would trigger her memory. “But isn’t it weird after all this time, your paths would cross again?” she asked, pointing at both of us.
Great. My sister was enjoying my predicament.
I just smiled, willing her with my eyes to stop talking about the past.
She grinned back, acting as if she didn’t know what she was doing.
I wasn’t about to let this awkward discussion of our history go on any longer.
I turned toward Emma’s husband. “How do you know Beau, Micah?” I asked, hoping he would rescue me.
“Well—” Micah started.
“I own the team,” Beau cut in unexpectedly.
I was already aware of the fact, but I wasn’t about to let him know this.
“What team?” I questioned as he stood across from me.
“The Baltimore Gators.”
“Oh, I see. So the whole hockey thing worked out?” I asked casually, knowing it had.
He scoffed again, shooting me another frosty glance. “Yeah, you could say that.”
We stared at one another as years of silence, grief, and love welled up inside of me again, the air growing thick with unspoken hurt and an intimate past which had changed us both.
I suddenly wanted to reach out, to soothe the wild beast. “Well then, I’m glad you’re doing so well, Beau,” I said gently.
His blue eyes softened for a second and lit brightly.
There was the Beau I had fallen in love with.
The fun mischievous kid, who’d never backed down from a challenge.
I wondered how often he let himself be that way. Did he just save it for special occasions, or was he willing to be nice to everyone but me?
“Yep, it all worked out,” he fired back, his gaze burning with intensity.
Crackle.
Sizzle.
Sizzle.
Damn. Our chemistry still grabbed hold of me with an electricity that blasted through my insides, leaving me breathless.
I cleared my throat, trying to shake the heat running through me. “Good to hear,” I added, hoping to see him soften again.
Instead, he just glowered. “Yep, everything’s just peachy,” he claimed with a sarcastic edge in his voice as he turned away from me. “Listen, Micah, I’ve got to be on my way. But, I’m lookin’ forward to seeing all the good you’re gonna be doin’.”
A puzzled look crossed Micah’s face as he shook Beau’s hand. “All right, man. Take it easy.”
“Will do,” Beau said. “Emma, always a pleasure.” He shook her hand warmly.
“Marla,” he said giving me a curt nod.
Ouch. That hurt.
He turned sharply and walked away, grabbing the redhead who had patiently been waiting behind him. She gazed adoringly at his handsome face, like the sun set on his shoulders.
Yikes.
I liked it better when Beau preferred a feisty woman, who wouldn’t take any crap from him. This one looked like she took whatever shit he doled out and asked for more.
Turning my attention back to Beau, I watched as he sauntered coolly through the door as if the world was at his feet, ready to do his bidding.
Wow.
It was so time for me to go.
“What was that all about?” Emma threw at me as soon as Beau was out of earshot.
“I don’t know exactly,” I admitted.
“Yes, you do. But I’m not going to press. God knows the things you’ve seen me through. But I’m here, waiting and willing. When you’re ready, talk to me.” She rubbed comforting circles on my back.
“We’re here for you, Marla. Anything you need,” Micah supplied, studying me thoughtfully with his warm grey eyes.
I nodded as if I was really processing what they were saying. “Thanks. I’m gonna go,” I sai
d numbly, worn out by the afternoon’s events.
“Okay, let’s talk later,” Emma said as I headed toward the door.
“Sure.” I waved goodbye, determined to leave.
I caught Grace’s eye as I left. Her gaze told me she knew something was up.
Geesh, I had too many intuitive women in my life.
I couldn’t get away with anything.
CHAPTER TWO
Marla:
Feeling the need to get away from everything as fast as I could, I took off as soon as I was out the door, running as if my life depended on it. I hoofed it out to my car, jumped in, and tried to get a grip on my rattled senses after that frosty encounter with Beau.
No, no, no! I hit the steering wheel with the palm of my hand over and over.
That wasn’t supposed to be how we met again.
I’d always imagined we would fall in each other’s arms, speaking words of forgiveness and adoration to one another. Beau would say how much he missed me; I would tell him I didn’t mean what I had said. Instant understanding would erase years of separation as we reveled in finding each other again.
That was the reunion I wanted.
Fat freakin’ chance, right?
You would’ve thought I would be prepared for his bitter disdain.
Nope. I wasn’t.
His scorn had poured over me like scalding hot water as he barely spit out a civil word to me.
Could he be any colder?
It hurt as if someone had plunged a knife in my heart and twisted it in a few times for good measure. I grabbed the steering wheel, trying to steady myself against the onslaught of feelings assaulting me.
Pain, regret, relief, and love all warred within my soul.
You can bear this...you’ve done it for twenty years.
Yeah, I had.
I had made hard choices and lived with the consequences of my actions, sacrificing my personal happiness to take care of my family.
Buck up. People made difficult decisions every day.
Yeah, that thought wasn’t bringing me any comfort.
I breathed deeply several times, trying to keep the grip of my emotions from crushing me. More tears sprung up despite my desire to let go.
I didn’t want to cry.