by AnonYMous
I heard him hang up with Jason and go YES! really loudly, and that’s when I wandered into his room and said, If Elizabeth Archer is going, can I go?
He opened his mouth to say NO like he always does, but then he looked up at me and really saw me. He sat and sort of looked at me for a minute, like he was taking me in, and then he smiled, and said, Why not?
I jumped up and down and screamed like a moron on a game show, and he laughed and said, But only if you stop screaming right now and promise never to do that again.
I immediately shut up and said, I promise I won’t get in your way.
And then Cam said the nicest thing to me. He said, You’re not in the way, sis. I like hanging with you.
Which is weird ’cause usually brothers and sisters our age don’t always get along, but I realized that Cam is maybe the best brother in the whole galaxy.
July 19
Last night was the party and it was really awful and really great all at the same time. God, sometimes I write stuff down in this journal that just doesn’t make any sense at all. If anyone ever finds this, they’ll have me committed for being a crazy person.
I’m not sure how I feel about last night. I still can’t believe how it all went down. The only two things I know for sure are:
1. Pot is GREAT.
2. Ross is AMAZING.
Cam drove us to Jason’s place with strict instructions from Mom and Dad to keep an eye on me. Jason’s house was already pretty crowded when we got there and Cam steered us through the living room to the kitchen where he gave Jason a high five and I saw Elizabeth Archer talking to this guy with shaggy brown hair who looked a lot like … ROSS!
It was totally him, and I felt my stomach drop like I was on a roller coaster. I couldn’t believe he was here too. Elizabeth saw me and waved, and Ross turned around and got this big goofy smile on his face like he was really happy to see me. He came over to say hi to me and Cam and grabbed a couple of beers out of a cooler on his way around the island in Jason’s giant kitchen. He handed one to Cam and then held one out to me.
I felt my cheeks go hot, and I glanced up at Cam like, Should I do this? Is this okay?
He laughed and said, You won’t like it, sis.
Well, I wasn’t about to let Cam tell me what to do for the whole night, so I grabbed the beer and took a big swig. It was cold and bubbly like soda, but as I swallowed it, the taste turned sour and sweet in a really weird way that made me start to gag a little, and I made a face that must’ve been really funny and a noise that felt like I was trying not to throw up, sort of an URGGGH sound, and Cam and Jason laughed as I handed the beer back to Ross.
Cam was right again. He’s right about everything. Beer tastes pretty gross.
Ross got a phone call and held up a finger as he answered and disappeared around a corner toward the front door. Cam saw Megan Archer out by the pool and grabbed Jason and pushed him toward the glass doors that led out back. My face was still pretty red from the beer and the embarrassment. I was really worried that Ross thought I was a moron now. Elizabeth patted my back and smiled her big loopy smile. She said, I hate beer too. Let’s get some wine coolers.
I told her I was okay and just wanted to go get some fresh air. She thought this was a good idea and grabbed a bright red bottle of something out of one of the coolers, then took my hand and dragged me out toward the pool and over to the fire pit.
Jason and Cam were over at the hot tub talking to Megan, and Elizabeth and I sat down by this girl I’d never seen before. She was sipping a wine cooler too, and she smiled at us as we sat down.
Elizabeth introduced herself, and the girl told us her name was Astrid. Elizabeth asked her what school she went to, and she told us she was transferring to our school for her senior year. Apparently, she was sick of the Catholic school she’d been attending and convinced her dad to let her go to public school for her last year. She’d come to the party with her boyfriend, who knew Megan and was getting a drink.
I sat there feeling sort of invisible. I wasn’t nearly as pretty as Elizabeth or Astrid or Megan, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that everybody at this party was older and cooler than I was. I mean, I know that Elizabeth is my age and not very smart where school is concerned, but she’s so pretty, I sort of felt like I could have disappeared and no one would have noticed. I felt like a dweeb who couldn’t even keep down a swallow of beer.
I wanted to go find Ross and hang out with him, but I was still feeling like I’d disappointed him somehow by not liking the beer he brought me. Maybe he was hanging out with other girls. Girls who drink beer. I was thinking about all of the ways that Ross probably thought I was lame when Astrid noticed I wasn’t drinking anything and offered me her wine cooler.
She smiled and asked if I wanted to try some. She said, You look like you’re not having a very good time. This will help.
And right at that moment, I DID want to try some. I DID want to have a good time. I just didn’t want to be that quiet girl in the corner not talking to anybody at the party.
So I said YES.
The wine cooler was cold and not as bubbly as the beer. It was really really really SWEET. Like, too sweet. It felt like I was drinking snow-cone syrup straight from the bottle. But it was better than beer. At least this was fruity. I couldn’t tell if it was strawberry or watermelon or cherry. It just tasted … red.
I smiled at Astrid and said thanks. She laughed and said no problem. Elizabeth jumped up and went into the kitchen to get more wine coolers and brought them back. I couldn’t really tell any difference in how I felt. I’ve never been drunk, but I sort of felt … lighter somehow. I think it was probably because I didn’t feel so lame. These girls were cool and pretty and they were sitting here talking to me like I was one of them, like I belonged there.
I took a drink of the new wine cooler that Elizabeth handed me, and then we were talking about the boys we thought were cute. Elizabeth asked me how I knew Ross, and I told her and Astrid all about meeting Ross at yoga and how we’d gone to the beach together. All of a sudden, as I was talking, I let out a little burp from the wine cooler and my eyes got wide and I slapped a hand over my mouth and started giggling.
Astrid and Elizabeth laughed really hard too, and it felt so good to share a funny moment with these girls who I barely knew. I felt my stomach turn a little bit, and I realized I hadn’t eaten much dinner because I was nervous about going to the party. These wine coolers had a lot of sugar in them and maybe it was that or the alcohol that was making my stomach hurt. I told Astrid my stomach felt kind of weird, and she smiled and rubbed her hand on my back. She told me not to worry. You’ll get the hang of it, she said, and nodded at the wine cooler. Maybe have a glass of water after that one before you have more. You know, pace yourself.
Then Astrid looked up as she saw a guy walk through the glass doors and come out onto the pool deck. She jumped up and said, Oh, there’s my boyfriend. I’m gonna go say hi. See you two later. I watched as she picked her way through the crowd around the pool toward the stairs at the door. She walked up behind this muscular guy on the stairs and put her arms around his waist.
When he turned around, I gasped really loudly and Elizabeth looked at me and said, What?
It was Nathan.
Astrid was Nathan’s girlfriend.
Now I really felt sick to my stomach and a little dizzy. I stood up quickly, and all of a sudden I felt the wine cooler hit me, and I sat back down really fast ’cause I thought I might fall down. I closed my eyes and turned away from Nate and Astrid. I didn’t want him to see me. I didn’t want him to know I was here. I leaned back into the shadows from the hedge at the back of the concrete bench that was carved around the fire pit.
Elizabeth was like, Do you know him?
I nodded. I told her he was my geometry tutor, but even as I said it, I wished I’d kept that to myself.
Elizabeth turned back to watch as Nate and Astrid walked over to join Megan, Cam, and Jason in the hot tub. I put d
own my wine cooler and stepped over Elizabeth Archer and all of her questions and ran into the house.
I had to find Ross.
When I didn’t see him in the kitchen, I headed into the living room and almost ran into him head-on. He started to say that he’d been looking for me, but I guess the look on my face made him stop short. He asked me if I was okay, and suddenly my eyes filled up with tears and I felt even more like a COMPLETE IDIOT. Oh. My. GOD. I was about to start crying in the middle of my first party, and Ross was completely cool. He looked over both shoulders, then grabbed my elbow and steered me across the living room and up the stairs in the entryway so fast it made me a little dizzy.
I followed Ross into the master bedroom, and he pushed out two French doors onto a balcony that overlooked the backyard. I could see the hot tub and fire pit on opposite sides of the pool. I stood at the rail and looked out at the shadows silhouetted by the flames of the fire pit and the lights under the water in the hot tub. I couldn’t make out his face, but I knew Nate was out there. With Astrid.
Ross joined me at the rail and said, So. How’s my straight edge?
I felt his arm against mine. It was warm, and he followed my gaze down toward the hot tub. I told him I wasn’t such a straight edge tonight.
He laughed and said, Nah, you’re just ON edge.
He nodded toward the hot tub and asked who I was looking at. It came pouring out. We plopped down on the patio furniture and I told him all about Nate and the night I tried to kiss him, and about Astrid and the wine coolers. As he listened, Ross pulled a joint out of his pocket and lit it. He took several drags and then held it out to me. I couldn’t believe it, but I just took it from him.
I told myself it was because I’d already drunk a wine cooler, but really it was because I just didn’t want to feel like a loser. Ross is so cool and handsome. I want to feel like a really hot girl. I want Ross to want me the way Cam wants Megan Archer.
I put the joint to my lips, and Ross told me to suck slowly on the end and take a deep breath. I could taste the smoke as it rolled into my mouth over my tongue, then I sort of squinted and inhaled it in a quick deep breath. It tickled the back of my throat so bad that I started coughing really hard. I must’ve dragged in more smoke than I thought because I could see it puff out around me, even in the dark.
Ross tossed his bangs out of his eyes while he took another long, deep drag off of the joint. I watched the way he held the smoke in for a long time before he blew it out. He cut his eyes my direction with a little smirk and asked, Wanna try again?
I smiled back at him and took the joint. This time I was more prepared. I sucked in very slowly, and the tickle at the back of my throat wasn’t quite as bad. Then I held the smoke in my lungs for as long as I could, and when I blew it out, I only coughed once.
Ross whistled and laughed. Dang, girl, he said. That’s a big hit. You’re gonna feel fine in about 5 minutes.
We settled back on the little patio love seat and kicked our feet up on the bench in front of us. He laid his head on my shoulder, and we looked up at the moon over the palm trees. For a second we were real quiet, and then he put his hand on my leg and said, Sorry about the thing with Nate. I shrugged, and my heart was beating really fast, and after a couple more minutes I started singing along with this song that was blasting out of the speakers by the pool. Then I started laughing, and Ross started laughing too. Uh-oh, he said. And I was like What? And he said, Somebody is stoned!
And then I realized that I felt good! Really good! Deep down to my feet good! I didn’t even care about stupid Nate and Astrid anymore. I could sort of feel a weird floating feeling in my brain, like it was all calm and cool in there, and my toes were a little buzzy somehow, and all of a sudden I wanted a drink, something cool and bubbly and NOT a wine cooler.
Ross musta had the same thought ’cause right at that second he said, Let’s get outta here, and I said, I want french fries, and he laughed like that was the funniest thing he’d ever heard.
He grabbed me and said, Of course you do. Damn. You’re hilarious.
I followed Ross downstairs and waited in the kitchen while he ran out to the hot tub to tell Cam he was going to take me to get some food and then home. Then we jumped into his truck and headed over to Swingers, where I had the biggest plate of french fries I’ve ever seen and I didn’t give a crap about the calories because they tasted so good. We went through three sides of ranch and half a bottle of ketchup and we sat on the same side of the booth with our feet up on the other side.
The thing that makes Ross so different from other boys is that he listens. He just listened to me talk blah blah blah blah blah for like hours about Nate. And he just kept eating french fries. And ordering chocolate malts. And dipping french fries into the chocolate malts.
And then I felt all weird and spacey in my head, like maybe I’d been talking for at least 23 years without shutting up, and I was really thirsty, and I got worried. I was worried that Ross was bored and that he wasn’t having a good time and that I was being one of those whiny girls who complains about everything all the time to everyone and turns everyone off. So I took a really long drink of my Diet Coke through a straw, and just as I was about to turn to Ross and ask if he was totally bored, I felt him lean over and kiss me on the cheek.
Then he laid his head on my shoulder and said, I get it.
We just sat there in the booth for a long time, and I felt his head on my shoulder and I stopped being worried. I got this really happy feeling, like this floaty place in my chest because I knew that Ross did get it. He didn’t have to say another word.
We’re going to the beach tomorrow.
I can’t wait.
July 20
I just got back from the beach with Ross. We smoked another joint before we got out of his truck. It was so much fun! I feel like smoking pot used to be this thing that I was like TOTALLY AGAINST because of all the stuff that everybody tells you and because of the people who you see at school who do it. They’re all like fuzz heads who need to clean their fingernails. But Ross is different. And now I’m different. Probably because I’m making the decision to do what I want. I never realized how much I let everyone else decide what I’m going to do. I mean, we started having policemen come to school in what—like 3rd grade?—to tell us that pot is so eeeeeeeeeeevil and WRONG. But, actually, I’ve smoked two joints now and I’m still going to my geometry class in summer school. No big deal.
Anyway, the beach was good. It was nice to lie in the sun while Ross surfed, and then he sat on the beach with me and we talked. Or, actually, I talked. I’m always the one talking. It was weird at the end. I asked him some questions about Florida and the move out here and the school he went to and his friends there. He didn’t really talk about it. Just said that his dad was an asshole and that he was glad his mom got this job. And then he checked his phone and was like, We have to go, and he seemed to be in a really big hurry.
It kind of pissed me off. Totally ruined that floaty feeling I was having from the joint. I feel like he wanted to go hang out with someone else and he didn’t want me there. I wish I had my own joint right this very second.
July 22
Tried texting Ross after summer school today, but I never heard back. It’s weird. When we’re together, he feels like my best friend, and then he just disappears. I wonder what it’d be like to hold his hand? I want to try to when we go to the beach the next time. Maybe when we’re walking up to his truck. But he’s always holding that damn surfboard. I really want him to text me back. Dad and Mom were all over me tonight about how geometry is going and I know they really care, it’s just that I don’t know how it’s going. I mean, I guess fine. I passed the midterm. Got a B. No big whoop.
ROSS, TEXT ME BACK.
July 25
Oh. My. Gosh.
Just got back from hanging out with Ross and Cam at the hotel where Ross’s mom works. This morning Ross F-I-N-A-L-L-Y texted me back. He told me that Cam and I should bring our sw
imsuits and meet him at this new yoga class this afternoon. It’s at the place where we usually go, but earlier. Luckily Cam had the day off from cleaning pools, so he came and got me at school and we went to meet Ross.
When I asked him if he got my texts yesterday, all he said was, Yeah. Sorry. I was busy.
I was like WHAT. EVER. But it was still really good to see him. Ugh! Sometimes I’m so like one of those dippy girls I just HATE who are like all gross over some guy who treats them like crap. I mean, not that Ross is treating me like crap. Maybe he WAS busy. Maybe it’s something weird with his dad or something. I don’t know. ARGH. SEE? THIS is why I need to smoke a joint sometime! My head just goes on this giant Tilt-A-Whirl and I can’t make it stop.
ANY
WAY
We got to this new class and there was this teacher named Ian who Ross knows. Ian is a sophomore at the college where my Dad works, and he apparently teaches yoga on the side. Ross met him at a party at the beach on Saturday. He’s got blond spiky hair and a friendly smile. He’s a little too tan if you ask me, but I guess he and Ross are surfing buddies or something. There was a lot of “whassup” and “dude” and “bro,” only it sounds like they’re saying “bra” and general weird boy talk. Cam even got into it.
I wish I had a friend who is a girl to talk to like that. I mean, not LIKE that, but someone who I felt like I was close to. It was sort of instant with these guys.
Anyway, after class we were all talking while we headed over to the hotel, and Ross told us that Ian has a friend named Blake who has a beach house up the coast. Then he said that Blake was having a party this weekend, and almost before he finished the sentence, I was like YES I WANT TO GO TO THE PARTY! That made Ross and Cam crack up, and I thought about how perfect this summer was turning out to be because I had met Ross and Cam was treating me like an adult.
When we got to the hotel Ross’s mom was in meetings or something, but the concierge told us “hi” and joked around with Ross and then let us go lie out by the pool. We went and changed clothes in the locker rooms by the pool where they had towels and everything. It was SO NICE.