by AnonYMous
I’m wearing the dress.
January 28
Cam is picking Astrid up at her place, so Ross is coming here, and then we’re going to go over to Lauren’s to get ready. Mom wanted us to all come here so she could take pictures, but I was like NO. I am NOT going to have Dad FREAK OUT again because of my dress, or my makeup. Besides, the shoes I’m wearing are at Lauren’s. Her dad got her these AMAZING Jimmy Choos for Christmas. Well, he gave her his Amex and SHE got these AMAZING shoes for Christmas. Like, 10 pairs. She’s actually going to let me wear this pair that she hasn’t even WORN YET!!!
How amazing is THAT?
Our friendship is even stronger, I think, because of what happened.
Cam texted me and was like, I want to see you at the dance as soon as you get there. I know he’s afraid I’m going to drink and drive. ARGH.
I wish he’d lay off of the LAW & ORDER routine. GAWD.
Oooh! I think I just heard Ross pull up. YAY.
January 30
My whole life is a FUCKING NIGHTMARE.
I keep thinking that at any moment, I’ll just wake up. Poof. Like that. It’ll be easy, and all better, and none of this will have happened.
But I’m awake. I’m sitting here in my bedroom actually about to write these words in my journal:
I got a D.U.I.
Yep. I was Driving Under the Influence.
We got high at Lauren’s. Ross had plenty of the “cronkest cush” as he likes to call it. We smoked until I could barely stand up on my Jimmy Choos, but we had NO cosmos. As I drove us to the school, I got a little paranoid. I’d never driven stoned before, and it was sort of stressful. I kept checking my speed, and all of the mirrors, and this guy honked at me when I was turning right. I guess he thought I was going too slowly, but I didn’t care. I wanted to make sure that I didn’t have a wreck or something. I was relieved when we finally got to the school and parked.
The formal was lame. Astrid and Cam were there, and they were dancing with Jason and Elizabeth, and they all went out to the bleachers on the football field to make out. Of course, at that precise instant, Mark spotted me and started walking toward us with a girl from his church who goes to this private Christian school. The girl Mark was with was pretty, but as he approached us, Mark couldn’t stop staring at my legs. Ross whispered to Lauren that Mark was getting as much as he’d ever get before his wedding night right this second while he stared at me. That made me laugh right as they reached us and I think the girl from the Christian school thought I was laughing at her, which was TOTALLY AWKWARD.
When they finally walked away, I turned around to glare at Ross, who was sending a text message. Lauren looked at me and then she looked at Ross. Then she said, OMG. LET’S GET OUT OF HERE. Ross grinned up from his phone and said that he had an idea. I said I was too stoned to drive and handed my keys to Ross, who jumped behind the wheel.
Ross took side streets and drove through a beach neighborhood south of ours, then parked on the curb at the edge of a little neighborhood that has houses built along some canals. Lauren and I teetered across a little wooden bridge at the end of the sidewalk, and Ross led us through a low wooden gate and to the front door of one of the houses.
The first person I saw when we walked through the door was Blake, and I caught my breath. I hadn’t seen him since that night at Lauren’s, scrambling for his clothes, and I felt this stab in my chest that took my breath away for a second.
He was in the kitchen with Ian, leaning over a clear glass pie plate filled with cocaine. He was skinnier than I remembered, but he looked up at me and smiled.
Right at that moment, I knew.
I knew I’d be doing some coke that night. It’s so weird, but it wasn’t even a question. It was like a door clicking shut behind me. As I saw Ian bending toward the mound of white powder, every ounce of willpower I’d had in the last few months, every conversation I’d had with Cam and Ross and Lauren about not partying, just floated away.
In that moment I realized something: What I wanted, and what Cam wanted in this moment, were two different things. I WANTED to do a line. I WANTED to feel that rush. I WANTED to laugh like crazy and do another line and maybe steal one of Ian’s cigarettes and have a big gulp of an icy cosmo and hear Blake tell me I looked like a billion dollars.
And you know what?
That’s exactly what I did.
I marched into the kitchen where Lauren and Ross were standing looking sheepish, and Ian stood up in a flash, looking panicked like he’d been caught, and I took the straw out of his hand, and I snorted a GIANT rail as Lauren gasped, and Blake laughed, and I tossed my head back and felt the quick burn in the back of my nose, and I felt the delicious bitter taste in my mouth, and I closed my eyes and said, AAAAAAAAAAHHHH.
And then it was ON.
Lauren was making cosmos, and Blake was making passes, and Ian and Ross were making out, and BLAM: my phone exploded with text messages from Cam.
WHERE ARE YOU?
DID YOU LEAVE THE DANCE?
IF YOU’RE NOT HOME ON TIME I’M TELLING MOM AND DAD EVERYTHING.
I realized we’d been there for 2 hours, and it was almost curfew time for me: 1 a.m.
I downed my cosmo and did one more line, then I grabbed the keys from Ross and headed toward the front door and yelled, CAM PATROL! I’m heading out! Blake asked if I was okay to drive. I assured him I was. Nothing makes you more alert than coke, no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Lauren came running after me, laughing, and Ross followed. I turned the key in the ignition. Ross turned up the music. I turned onto Pacific.
I felt my phone buzz in my lap. I knew it was another text from Cam. I glanced down at the screen.
Lauren screamed. Ross yelled, LOOK OUT!
BLAM!
The light had changed, and the car in front of me stopped short. We weren’t going that fast, but there was a police car at the opposite corner. Suddenly there were lights and sirens, bright lights, and loud questions. The cops had flashlights, and they asked us to step out of the car.
They called a backup squad car. They put Lauren and me in one and Ross in the other. I have never felt so scared in my entire life as I did when I was sitting in the back of that car. The cuffs cut into my wrists and all I could think about was how my mom and dad were going to kill me. We all got taken to the police station and booked: Ross for marijuana possession, Lauren for underage drinking, and me for driving under the influence.
I felt like crying, but I couldn’t. We were taken into the juvenile detention center, and I didn’t see Ross and Lauren again until they had taken our fingerprints and our mug shots. Lauren’s dad was actually the first to arrive. Ross said his mom was working at the hotel, but she showed up before my parents did because they’d been out to dinner and a play with friends.
When they showed up, it wasn’t pretty. Dad was stonily silent. Mom had been weeping all the way home from the theater. Cam was waiting when we got home, and the minute we walked in the door, it started. He spilled everything:
Every drink.
Every joint.
Every snort.
Every party.
Everything.
When Mom stopped crying, she got very quiet. Dad got loud. Then he started crying, which was the WORST THING IN THE WORLD. Then Cam got an earful from both of them for not telling them what was going on sooner.
Cam turned to me and cried and said that all he wanted was for me to be happy.
Dad talked about how lucky I was that no one was hurt.
Mom talked about how lucky I was that no one had died.
Everybody kept saying that this could have ruined my life. I knew they were right. Suddenly everything that had happened, and sitting in a cell and being handcuffed, washed over me and I couldn’t stop crying. I told them how sorry I was for not being the girl they thought I was, for not being the person they wanted me to be. Worse than that, I realized I wasn’t the person I wanted to be. I was a criminal now. I had
a police record.
Worse than that, I could’ve died. I could’ve killed someone.
I have to change.
January 31
Lauren’s dad got a lawyer friend to argue her case. He’s offered to have him argue for me and Ross as well. When Lauren’s dad called my parents with his lawyer friend, he explained to them that since I failed the Breathalyzer test, my license would be suspended until I was 18 years old.
I’m totally screwed.
February 8
It’s all over school. Cassie and Bethany have been total BITCHES to me and Lauren. Lauren keeps telling me that we’ll get through it, but she’s not the one whose license is suspended. She’s not the one who will have to endure another YEAR of high school without a car.
Cam is really quiet around me now. He can barely look at Ross and Lauren. Mom has been checking my phone for texts or calls from Blake and Ian. I can barely text Ross and Lauren.
THIS IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE.
I’ve been trapped in the house every night and the weekend and don’t get to hang out with Lauren or Ross by myself. Mom and Dad walk around like somebody has died. I just want to SCREAM and shake them and say SNAP OUT OF IT!
I can’t wait to get to school tomorrow.
I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence.
February 14
When I pictured the way my Valentine’s Day would go this year, it never involved going to court for a DUI. I knew my license would be suspended (it was), but nobody had told me about the REST of the punishment. Ross, Lauren, and I have to do 50 hours of community service AND we have to go to two AA meetings every week for the next two months.
AA stands for “Alcoholics Anonymous,” and I am mortified about having to go. I was serious about making a change and really becoming the person that I want to be, but I’m not a DRUNK. Yes, I like to have a cosmo with Lauren and Ross, and smoke a joint, or do a line every once in a while, but an ALCOHOLIC? I wanted to go back into the courtroom when I found out what that was and ask the judge, Do you REALLY think I’m a drunk? I mean, LOOK at me. My hair is FLAT-IRONED, for the love of God.
Anyway. We start AA and community service this weekend.
Later …
Oh, yeah.
Mark slid a valentine into my locker. It had Daffy Duck on it and reads, “I’m all QUACKED UP over U!”
Stellar.
[Rolling my eyes on paper.]
February 17
AA is so weird.
Ross and Lauren and I just sat there, staring. It’s in the basement of this Catholic church around the corner from where Ross lives. Cam dropped me off and sat in the car with me until Lauren and Ross walked up. He said it was because he wanted to be supportive, but really I think it was because he was afraid I’d ditch, or get high with Ross and Lauren before we went.
Anyway, we have these little attendance sheets from the court that we have to get signed. Lauren wore tight jeans and a low-cut cashmere sweater and looked like something out of a magazine. She sidled up to this older guy who was telling people where to put the chairs when we got there and asked if he was the one in charge. He introduced himself and said that he was the secretary of the meeting. His name was Al. Lauren handed him our forms and asked Al if he would sign them. He said that was the job of the person in charge of “court cards” and that we should drop them in the basket when it was passed during the meeting.
We did.
But man, oh man, did we have to sit through a lot of talking first.
They read all this stuff out of a notebook, and by they I mean all the people at this meeting who were my mom and dad’s age. It was so weird. They’d see us and smile really big like it was SO GREAT that we were there and then come running up and introduce themselves and shake our hands. Then they’d say WELCOME! KEEP COMING BACK.
Ross told one of them, Oh, I will be so I can get this court card all filled up.
Anyway, the stuff they read out of the notebook was all this stuff about AA not being a religion, but then they all said a prayer together about having the strength to accept things and the courage to change things. Then this woman who must’ve been my grandma’s age got up and talked about her life for 20 minutes. This woman used to keep a bottle of scotch in her GLOVE COMPARTMENT. She said she was late for her own wedding because she was drunk. By the end, her husband left her and her kids still don’t talk to her.
But then the weirdest thing happened: She started crying with this big smile on her face and she talked about how AA had saved her life. She said she’d met some woman who helped her work the steps (whatever that is) and that she had found a higher power that helped her stay sober because she couldn’t do it on her own.
Then, after she was done speaking, they passed a basket around. They said there are no dues or fees for attending AA, but if you feel like it, you can give a couple bucks, and they use it to pay the church rent for letting them meet there. Most people put a dollar or two in the basket, and we all put in our court cards. Turns out they don’t hand them back to you until AFTER the meeting. (TRICKY! That way you have to STAY for the whole thing.)
After the basket was passed all these people shared all sorts of things, mainly about how they either wanted to drink and didn’t that week because they called somebody at the meeting, or because they prayed and the urge went away, or they read something in this blue book that everybody had called The Big Book, and it spoke to their heart and gave them the strength not to pick up a drink.
Afterward we finally got our cards and walked outside. Mom was supposed to come pick me up, but she’d texted me during the meeting that she was running 15 minutes late. I called Mom and told her we were done and that I was walking over to Ross’s apartment. She said she was on her way and would pick me up there.
We went up to Ross’s room, and Lauren said that she didn’t know if she could take another 15 AA meetings. I said it was the most religious nonreligious meeting I’d ever been to. Ross lit a bowl and passed it around to us.
And there was this weird thing that happened. As I reached for the pipe, I realized that I had this URGE to smoke weed. (And probably do whatever else I could.) I thought about what that lady said, about the urge being removed. I wondered if this was the urge she was talking about.
But it couldn’t be, right? I mean, I’m not drunk every day. I’m not a mess. I haven’t lost a husband, or been late to my own wedding. I mean, I’m not even 17 yet. This isn’t even alcohol. How could I be an alcoholic?
I took a long, slow hit on the pipe and passed it to Lauren. She smiled and laughed and said that THIS was her idea of serenity.
God. What a way to spend a Friday night.
February 19
Lauren and Ross and I had to pick up trash on the side of the highway for 8 hours yesterday. It was my entire Saturday. I have to do homework all day today.
It. SUCKED. By the end of the day we were so bored and so tired that we all got kind of grouchy and stopped talking to one another.
I can’t believe we have to do that for the next four weeks.
I’m so jealous that Ross got to go home and smoke pot.
February 24
I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t. Mom and Dad are treating me like a PRISONER. Cam is trying to “help” by taking me places with him and Astrid, as if I need a babysitter. I have to go to another AA meeting, and Mom is taking me this time. She said she wants to sit in on the meeting and see what’s going on. So, of course, we won’t get to go to Ross’s tonight to smoke pot afterward. Or at least I won’t. Lauren and Ross will, I’m sure.
February 25
Community service SUCKS. Today we picked up trash on the beach. It was FREEZING. We have to wear these little orange vests and we have these sticks to stab the trash and put it into bags. After lunch they moved us down onto one of the pedestrian bridges that takes you over the highway along the coast down to the beach. We had to scrub and paint over graffiti.
We were almost done when I saw
a car pull up, and Ross said, Hey. That’s Ian.
Lauren sauntered over to the window as Ian rolled it down and grinned out at us. Lauren talked to him for a second before our supervisor yelled at her to get back to work.
When she came back over, Ross asked her if she knew Ian was coming. She smiled and said that she’d texted him and that she had a surprise for us as soon as we were done. When we finished painting the wall, they took us back to the check-in office where my dad was going to pick me up. Lauren grabbed my hand and said, You better go to the restroom before you go home. She pressed a little plastic square into my hand and closed my fingers around it.
I knew what it was before I even looked. I was standing there holding a tiny bag of cocaine. Everything in my head screamed DON’T DO IT. But it was like my body couldn’t resist. My heart was racing and I could hear the blood pounding in my ears. The excitement was delicious. Ross whispered that I should hurry, and I did.
I went to the bathroom and locked the stall door behind me. I poured a tiny pile of the white powder out of the Baggie onto the top of the toilet paper dispenser. Then I reached into my pocket and rolled up the receipt from the salad I’d bought at lunch. I stuck one end of the roll into my nose, held the other over the little pile of powder, and sniffed. The sniff echoed in the bathroom, and I flushed the toilet before I sniffed again, just in case anyone was listening.
When I came back to where Ross and Lauren were standing, I saw my mom had pulled up. I hugged Lauren and slipped the Baggie back into her pocket. Mom got out of the car and asked Lauren and Ross what they were doing for dinner. They both shrugged. Mom told them to come over to our place at 7.
As we drove home, Mom looked at me and said that she thought I’d been doing really well with all of this, and that she was fine with Lauren and Ross being my friends as long as we hung out at our place.