- instead - eventually he married her - I said - was that just to get her in whipping distance? -
- nay - thats another story altogether - he grinned - inviting me to prompt him for details. But time was moving on & Id had enough of talking about Lady D for one morning. More I heard about her - the less I liked her!
So I said I had to go but Id like to talk to him sometime about his experience of Miss Lees "cure" - & he said - Ill likely see you at the hog roast? - I said - doubt it - though Ive been invited - sort of. You too? -
- Im in charge of the roast - he said proudly.
- gosh - I said - sounding impressed - cos he clearly reckoned it was an important job - so what will you do - stick it on a spit & turn a handle? -
- bit more to it than that - he said - Hog started it - after he made his pile & bought the hall & became Lord of the Hundred. Big annual event in the town - & I think it amused Hog to call it a hog roast. Tried a spit at first - but that were hard work with a full size porker. So Hog got his brother Hen to build a proper bit of machinery. Always good with his hands was Hen - not so good with figures & poultry - but. Any road - I used to help Hen with the hog roast gear right up to when Hog died. After that the annual roast died too - & I were real surprised when I heard there was going to be another - & real chuffed when I got asked if Id check the equipment out & take charge -
- I thought Hen was the expert? -
- oh shed not ask Hen - he laughed - theyve not exchanged 2 civil words since he challenged Hogs will - any road - Ive been odd jobbing around the hall for years - so I were on the spot - so to speak-
I said I looked forward to seeing him there - & took off to Denham Park. Again - as on my first sighting - I was impressed by the magnificent situation of the house - perched high on its hill - grounds sweeping away eastward to the sea - & westward to the pig farm!
Up close it turned out to be even bigger than it looked on the horizon - but like an old movie star up close - the cracks showed. Past simple TLC - Id say - needs a complete makeover. Poor Teddy - cant sell it - & if he doesnt do something quick - I doubt if hell even be able to live in it! Then I forgot all about him as I reached the front of the house. The ancient RR was there - with alongside it a bright red Maserati coupe!
Sidney Parker was here!
Damn! I thought. Not that the prospect of seeing Sid again wasnt pleasant. But mightnt it give the wrong impression if he saw me dropping in on the hunky bart? - the wrong impression being we had something going.
In other words - yeah - I wanted to see them both - but not at the same time!
Thats the trouble with being a highly trained psychologist - youre always playing chess with other peoples thoughts!
I debated whether it might be best if I just headed off out of here. Then I heard this throaty roar behind me - & when I turned & saw Teddys mobike - the Beast - heading up the drive - I thought Id got it wrong - & it must be Ess that Sid was visiting - which made me think - damn! - again.
Hard to please - aint I?!
However when the Beast halted alongside me - & the black leathered figure removed the silvery helmet - I saw it wasnt Ted - but Esther!
I found myself wondering if this was the spare set of leathers Ted had promised to loan me - & was the Ice Queen wearing anything underneath them?!
She said - Miss Heywood - this is a surprise - are you expected? -
Making it sound as likely as the Second Coming.
I said - Teddy did say drop in - but I see hes got company -
- yes - so it appears - she said - glancing at the Maz. Id have put money on her next move being to imply that - in the circs - a well brought up person would make an excuse - & be on her way. But she surprised me by smiling suddenly - not a five hundred watt friendly smile - & with no resemblance at all to the incandescence I remembered lighting up her face when she was dirty dancing with her Emil - but definitely a smile.
Sliding elegantly off the bike - she said - but you must come in now youre here - Im sure theyd both be delighted to see you -
Sudden rush of noblesse oblige to the head - or what?
Why not? I thought - could be fun to see smooth Sid alongside the hunky bart - so I could compare & contrast - & allocate points on the old Heywood girls scale - remember? Out of 10 for Wealth, Wheels & Social Skills & out of 20 for Sex Appeal!
To tell truth - dont think I had a choice of stay or go. Tho Ess didnt actually touch me - I found myself steered through the doorway into what would have made a lovely baronial hall - could imagine Fairbanks or Flynn fighting his way down - or up - the broad staircase in one of mums old favourites - but there were no suits of armour in the corners - no marble busts in the niches - no rich tapestries on the walls - in fact nothing at all except pale squares showing where pictures had once hung - all of which fit what Id guessed from the fake Rolex business - that Teddy had been selling off the family goodies to keep body & soul together.
Ess flung open a couple of doors - giving me a brief glimpse into more rooms looking like theyd been stripped by marauding Vikings - & struck lucky on the third.
Nothing much in here either - except a few ancient chairs & a sofa - on which Teddy & Sidney were sitting - heads close - talking earnestly.
They looked toward us. Ted jumped to his feet - flushing as he recognized me - the invitation hed tossed my way had clearly gone right out of his head!
Sid - by contrast - gave me a lovely smile - like I was the best thing hed seen all day.
- Charlotte - he said - how nice to see you again - so soon -
- Youve met then - said Teddy - sounding - I hoped! - a bit jealous.
- Of course - when I called to pay my respects to Tom. Hi Esther. Just what our dull masculine deliberations could do with - two rays of feminine brightness -
OK - flowery froth - but hes got style enough to get away with it.
I grinned back like an idiot - & gave him a straight 10 for Social Skills! (& it wasnt even his house!) - but at the same time I was wondering - what deliberations? - what are you two up to?
Ess had a look on her face that suggested she might have been wondering the same. All she said was - this is cozy - lets all sit down & have a cup of coffee - Im sure Miss Heywoods ready for one -
Something about the way she said that last phrase made me think she was taking the piss!
Ted said - oh sure - yes - fine -
Ive heard more enthusiasm from dad when mum asks him to chat to the WI about diversification!
I thought - to hell with this! Im not staying where Im not wanted. In any case - Ess will probably expect me to make the coffee!
I said - thanks but not for me - just dropped by to say hello - now I need to get back - promised Id pick up Tom to take him to the Avalon meeting -
Not so much a lie as an adjustment of the truth - Ive written essays on the distinction! Also - recalling Toms request that I didnt mention the meeting in front of Big Bum - I guessed the Denhams wouldnt know about it either.
OK - I should probably have kept quiet in front of them too - knowing the way they scratched if Lady D itched - but I couldnt resist giving Teddy a sharp prod to pay him back for forgetting me.
It worked like a dream.
Ted said - what meeting? -
I said - all surprise - sorry - was sure youd be going - its to tie up arrangements for the Festival of Health - you know - its marvellous of Dr Feldenhammer to be so receptive to new ideas - isnt it? -
Ess said - & what does it have to do with you exactly? -
I said - oh nothing - of course - Im just going for the lunch party afterward -
OK - I know - drinks & nibbles is hardly a lunch party - but I was seriously pissed with the Denhams!
I headed back into the hall.
Ess followed me out. I thought she was going to see me to the door - like a good hostess - but she just started up the staircase.
- Ill see myself out then - I said.
She didnt even pause - let alone reply
- I might as well have been a parlour maid! - & I thought - Sod this!
I trilled - by the way Esther - did Teddy tell you? - I think we may have bumped into each other in Davos last Christmas - at the Bengel bar - you were dancing with a good looking local boy - Emil I think his name was - remember? -
Now she paused!
Gotcha! - I thought.
Dont know what shed have said - but before she could speak - behind me - a telephone on a ledge beside the door rang. - get that - would you? - said Esther. & I found myself getting it - just like a good little parlour maid! But blessed are the meek - for they shall get their own back! I said - hello - Denham Park - Lady Ds unmistakable voice said - who is that? - - its Charley Heywood - Lady Denham - I said - looking up to see the Ice Queens reaction. Not much - but I reckon I caught a flicker beneath that chilly surface.
I could almost hear Lady D choking back - what the devil are you doing there? -
Instead she said - peremptorily - I would like to speak to my nephew - If the Ice Queen hadnt been listening - I might have said - hes just getting dressed -
Instead I said - hes rather busy just now - a business meeting - with Sidney Parker -
That got a sharp intake of breath - which was then expelled - or rather exploded - very Lady Bracknell! - into - a business meeting! -
I began to feel sorry for Ted - not only caught entertaining a woman of ill repute - but also holding a secret meeting with Daphs financial adviser -
Ess was moving back down the stairs - but Ted came out of the drawing room before she could reach me. Feeling sorry for him didnt stop me holding out the phone - & saying - its your aunt -
He winced like the phone was hot - & I made a rapid exit - not bothering to glance up to see how far Esther had got. As I reached the car - a voice called - Charley - I turned - & my heart gave a little leap. Sid had come out to say cheerio. He stood on the terrace - looking down at me & smiling - & I started feeling guilty. It was one thing dropping Ted in it - but I had no reason for wanting to get Sid in Big Bums bad books.
- sorry youve got to dash away - he said - our business shouldnt take much longer. In fact - if - as I gather - thats dear Daphne on the phone - Im sure our meeting will be brought to a close with some expedition - so if you did have time to stay another few minutes - Id love a chance to talk with you -
Whatever was going on - Sid wasnt letting anything ruffle his smooth exterior!
I was tempted. But never show weakness - eh? - so I resisted - & said - no - Ive really got to go - but Im sure youll be coming over to Kyoto sometime - wont you? - it would break Minnies heart if you didnt -
He fluttered his long silky eyelashes - could I get a transplant?!
- if the well being of a fair young maiden is in question - I must definitely come - though hell should bar the way -
Like I said - takes real style to get away with that kind of schmaltz!
We stood smiling at each other - his smile sort of sophisticated ironic - mine more idiot grin - & I thought - hes the one - definite!
Then Ted the Bart came out of the door onto the terrace - & stood alongside Sid - & suddenly I wasnt quite so sure. Hard to compare - but I did my best! Teds all macho hunkiness to Sids elegant smoothiness - depends whether your taste runs to chalk or cheese. On the beach I guess the bart would have edged it. 20 points to 19+ for sex appeal. Here it felt the other way round. & then there was the Maz. Definitely worth twice as much as the battered old Range Rover - or even the Beast.
Ted looked a lot less shell-shocked than I anticipated. In fact he looked rather pleased with himself. How had he survived? - I wondered.
Then the answer came to me - diversionary tactics! Before she could quiz him about this business meeting with Sid - hed told her that her toy-boy Feldenhammer was having a party at the Avalon that she wasnt invited to!
I thought - shit - should have kept your gob shut girl -
Ted said - sorry youve got to dash off Charley - well do that mobike ride another day eh? -
I thought - if you imagine Im going to risk getting frostbite in my crotch by putting it where the Ice Queens has been - youve got another think coming!
The withering look accompanying this thought was wasted however - as hed turned to Sid - put his arm round his shoulder - & drew him away.
But as they walked back into the house - Sid turned his head - & winked at me - tho the way he did it - so languid & sexy & full of promise - calling it a wink is like calling his Maz a jalopy!
I drove away very slowly - to sort out my thoughts - & pretty soon I reckoned Id cracked it! There was something going on here - & it was going on behind Lady Ds back. Had to do with money - Teddy desperately needed it - & it was Sids profession. Teds one remaining asset - far as I could tell - was Denham Park. He could do anything he liked with it - except sell it - wasnt that what Mary had told me? So what might he & Sid have been talking about? Turning it into another hotel in competition with Brereton Manor? Possible - but you needed something else to hook in investors - some activity that had nothing to do with health & exercise & country recreation.
A gambling casino - I thought. Possible - except access wasnt great - & not even the sweet smell of money could mask the stench of the Hollis pigs. What about a retirement home? Do old folk lose their sense of smell sis? But I couldnt see Ted & Ess as your jolly carers!
Whatever they were up to - clearly Lady D - & Tom Too - werent in the loop.
Could see Sid might not mind pulling a fast one on Lady D - but I couldnt see him going behind his brothers back - just to make a quick buck.
Whatever the game was - Id given it away to Lady D - with malice aforethought - but I resolved not to say anything to Tom - both for his sake - & also cos I didnt want to get any further up the noses of the 2 dishiest guys in town!
Now I decided to compensate for my bad behaviour by getting back to Kyoto in time to save Tom from the bicycle!
Neednt have bothered - Franny Roote had just turned up - & hed offered Tom a lift to the Avalon - so he told me to drive myself over for the lunch as planned. Tom was even more bubbly than usual - full of confidence his meeting was going to go well - & also chuffed cos hed rung Godly Gordon - & he was definitely going to attend!
I made some comment about his powers of persuasion - & I caught Franny grinning at me - as if he knew - which he couldnt - that Id put in my little twopennorth. I gave him the test. Wealth - 4 at most Id guess. Wheels - only 1 for his mini ambulance. Social Skills - this was hard - Im sure hed have no problem smoothing a girls path - dealing with all situations - keeping the talk bright & stimulating - but I get the feeling that from time to time hed enjoy dropping a handful of grit into the works! So 8 out of 10 there.
As for Sex Appeal - impossible to give points without more info. It could be like giving Sid 10 out of 10 for Wheels - then finding the Maz had no engine!
Hard - you say? Well - I remember who it was knocked 5 points off the vicars son after you found he had diabetes! The thought he might be pulling out his needle before he pulled out his dong - your words! - was a real downer!
Tom & Fran went off - leaving me with a good hour before I needed to make a move - so I thought Id bring you up to date.
Better dash now. Looking forward to seeing inside the famous clinic. Got a feeling at some point Big Bum may try to crash the party. If she does - I hope it doesnt come out who big mouth was!
Wont take Sherlock Holmes to guess that - I hear you say - not when your little sister has a mouth makes Julia Roberts look like shes whistling Dixie.
Youd better be careful - sis! When you come home with your bronze trophy doctor in tow - youre going to need all the friends you can find.
Love you
Charley xxxx
17
Well, Mildred, here I am, back from my first official outing, squatting on the khazi, and definitely not feeling like singing I could have danced all night!
First thought when I saw there were nowt but fizzy wine on offer
was, Mean bugger! Thought these Yanks always lashed out the hard liquor. My first guvnor, old Wallie Tallentire, used to say, Bubbly's good for nowt but getting a girl's knickers round her ankles.
Certainly got my trousers round mine!
Talking of trousers, remember to thank Cap. When I pulled mine on for the first time since she brought them, I were surprised how well they fit. Then I checked and realized they were brand new and three sizes down from my old ones, which would have hung around me legs like a mains'l in a dead calm. Bright lass! Dalziel, my man, you certainly know how to pick 'em!
So while I'm sitting here like patience on a fucking monument, I might as well make a note of Festerwhangers little "do" while it's still fresh. Always prided myself on not needing to be taking notes when I were running a case. If I can't remember it, it's not bloody worth remembering! Big boast. Let's put it to the test.
Yon clinics a fancy place. Makes our old Central Hospital look like a heritage centre. Bet most of your common bugs and viruses turn tail and head back for town soon as they get a glimpse of what's waiting for them there. One look at the car park tells the story. There were enough high-emission gear out there to punch its own small hole in the atmosphere. If the treatment fees match, then I reckon the patients will feel like they've paid for full privacy.
Pet led me to this lounge where there was a handful of people with glasses in their hands. I only recognized two of them. One was the landlord from the pub. He were talking to Stompy Heywood's lass that I'd sat next to when I broke out of the Avalon. I went up to them and said, "How do, lass? How's thy dad?"
She looked puzzled for a moment, then said, "Oh, it's Mr. Deal, isn't it? Didn't recognize you with your clothes on. You'll have met Alan Hollis from the Hope and Anchor."
'.Aye" I said, laughing. I like a lass with a bit of spirit. "Nice to see you again, Mr. Hollis."
The landlord said, "You too, Mr. Dalziel. You've not been back in."
A Cure for All Diseases Page 13