A Still, Small Voice

by D. W. Marchwell

  “I heard that voice and figured you probably hadn’t told him I’d moved in down the hall.” Noah didn’t have to ask why Paul was whispering.

  “Thank you,” Noah said as he pulled the door shut and kept his hand on the knob, prepared to hamper any plan that Aiden had to conveniently come out in the hallway and discover that Paul had not been banished to Siberia after all. “We’re just working on some… stuff.” Noah didn’t feel like sharing that he was still doing the drag shows that had supplied him with money after his brush with the criminal justice system. It was a touchy subject, or at least it had been, between Paul and Noah. Paul didn’t understand the need for Noah to use costumes when he performed. “Why can’t you sing dressed as a man?” Paul asked all the time. Noah had tried to explain that it was simply more fun to do it dressed up as someone else.

  It wasn’t that Noah’s costumes were flamboyantly drag but that there was makeup and an exaggerated feminine persona that went along with the show. Paul had never been to any of Noah’s shows, and for that, Noah had always been very grateful. It had been hard enough to get Paul to stay the night sometimes, let alone get him to enter a club that was primarily known for its gay clientele. Those had been another couple of touchy subjects for the two men. At first, Noah had found it endearing that Paul didn’t want to chance parents or students seeing him exiting Noah’s apartment building, which just happened to be less than two miles from the high school. But after several months of it, Noah had grown quite unhinged about the whole practice of Paul skulking out under the cover of dark after the sex had led to cuddling and caressing and spooning. Of course, as usual, Noah had chalked it up to progress. He’s cuddling and spooning now; eventually, he’ll want to stay the night.

  “I was just coming to ask if you’d changed your mind about dinner, but now that I know you’re busy, maybe we can do it some other time.” Paul was still whispering.

  “I’m sorry, Paul, but I said no and I meant it.” Noah stopped talking and put his ear to the door. Satisfied that Aiden was not on the other side, he turned back to face Paul, intent on putting everything into perspective. “Listen, I’m sorry that you’re going through these problems with Cherie, but we can’t go back to being friends, Paul.”

  “Why not?”

  Noah tried not to look too stunned by the question. “Seriously?” He noticed Paul’s nod and continued. “Because you sleep with me, lead me on, tell me you need time, which I give you over and over, and then you report me to the police… on the word of Skyler.”

  “Jesus, Noah—”

  “You didn’t even have the balls to come and tell me first… warn me… nothing.” Noah heard himself and lowered his voice. “And then, while I’m being escorted out of the school in handcuffs, that bitch is telling everyone about your engagement.” Noah was torn between feeling satisfied by the look on Paul’s face and guilty about it. “When did you propose to her, exactly? Was it that day? Or was it sometime before that day, after you’d fucked me and slithered out of the apartment to go to her?”

  Paul stood, his face a mix of confusion and—Noah hoped—guilt. Neither of them said anything for a few seconds, a noise finally snapping Noah out of feeling rarified for having been able to say these things to Paul’s face. But the victory left a bitter taste in his mouth. Despite what had happened all those years ago, Noah still saw that scared and confused man who’d allowed himself to be manipulated by Cherie.

  “Look, Paul, I’m sorry. Maybe if I’d had the chance to say those things all those years ago we could have parted as friends, but now? I’m sorry, but I don’t trust you anymore.” Noah turned the doorknob, stopping for only a few moments to look back at Paul. “I know you don’t understand why, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust you again or even give you the chance to prove me wrong. Good-bye, Paul.”

  Noah walked through the door and closed it right away, leaning against it when he was on the other side, suddenly even more exhausted. He listened to Paul’s footsteps, and hearing the door close, he returned to the sofa and lay down, hearing Aiden’s attempts at vocalizing coming from the spare bedroom. He was even too tired to make up some reason why he wanted Aiden to leave. Noah just wanted to take a couple of sleeping pills and go to sleep for a week.

  After a few minutes of working up the courage to tell Aiden they’d have to postpone yet again so that he could get some sleep, Noah heard his friend coming down the hall.

  “Oh. My. God.” Aiden rushed over to him, his cell phone in his hand. “I just got a text from Clarence. You will not believe what just happened.”

  Noah sat up, trying not to look impatient, and stared at Aiden. “I’m not guessing, so just tell me.”

  “Well,” Aiden said as he looked around for his clogs and backpack. “It would seem that Frank and Tim just had a huge set-to in the club. And it looks like I’m going to get my chance at Frank.” Aiden’s brow furrowed for a moment. “How long should I wait until I ask him out? What does Emily Post say about that?”

  “If she were still alive, she would probably tell you to wait for a month or two—”

  “And let someone else snatch him up? I do not think so.”

  “Aiden, how many times have they broken up and then gotten back together for the sake of the puppies?” Noah didn’t wait for an answer. “Just this year alone, that has to be their third break-up.”

  “Second,” Aiden corrected and headed for the door. “But I’m optimistic. I want to be prepared. It may be a false alarm, but what if it isn’t?” Aiden winked at him and headed out the door.

  Noah fell back on the sofa for a moment, then rose to go lock the door. When the door was secure, he stopped in the kitchen long enough to take a sleeping pill and head for a nice hot shower before he crawled into bed. As he passed the living room, he heard his grandmother’s antique clock chime seven. With any luck, he’d be showered, in bed and soundly into a REM cycle by half-past.

  He showered and then settled himself in bed, glanced at the clock, felt his eyelids growing heavy, and pulled the covers up under his chin. As sleep came to claim him, he again dismissed the feelings of guilt that he’d been too hard on Paul. …

  “Hey.”

  Noah looked over at the door and saw Paul standing there with a big smile on his face. As he approached, Noah finished cleaning the whiteboards, then turned to see what had Paul so happy. “You win the lottery or something?”

  “No,” Paul said as he plunked himself down onto one of the desks. “Just had my first evaluation by Thomas.” Noah nodded, hoping that Thomas had actually shown up for more than five minutes and paid attention. Thomas Midbo was the principal of the school and one of the most ineffectual administrators that Noah had ever worked with. Not only was he hardly ever at the school, but his preferred method of discipline was to yell at the students and then send them back to the classroom that they’d been ejected from.

  “And?”

  “He had a lot of nice things to say,” Paul explained. “There are a couple of areas he told me to focus on, but overall he said that he was quite impressed with my ability to engage students in history class.”

  “Well, congratulations.”

  “Feel like celebrating?”

  “Sure,” Noah said, happy that Paul was feeling so pleased. “I’ll just get my things.”

  “I was thinking about ordering pizza and beer.” Paul stood up and suddenly clasped his hands together, a look of uncertainty on his face. “Unless you want to go out somewhere.”

  “Your choice,” Noah said as he stuffed his briefcase with papers and a few make-up math tests to correct. “You pick, I’ll pay.”

  “Okay, pizza and beer at my place.”

  Noah pulled up to a rather plain and unpretentious apartment building just a few blocks from his own building and parked on the street behind Paul’s blue pickup. He exited his own vehicle, doing some mental calculations to figure out how long he could stay and still make it home with enough time to finish all of his mark
ing. He finally figured he’d have to leave by nine and made his way to wait by the front door of the building. “How long have you lived here?”

  “Just moved in a couple of months ago, at the start of the summer.” Paul pulled out his key and let them both in.

  After walking up three flights of stairs, Noah soon found himself inside a small one-bedroom apartment that was sparsely furnished with outdated and rather inexpensive pieces. The furnishings were probably hand-me-downs from parents or grandparents, Noah assumed, but still serviceable and well maintained. Noah wondered if the little desk beside the green velour sofa had been with Paul since his childhood. He thought of his own first apartment and the furniture he’d had, some of the pieces having been in his childhood home. It had taken him many years, but he’d finally managed to replace everything except the few pieces that held unshakeable sentimental value for him.

  “I only live a few blocks from here,” Noah said, not really sure Paul would care.

  “Really?” Paul pulled a laminated card off of the refrigerator and walked over to where Noah stood in the living room, handing him the card. “Your place is probably a lot nicer than mine. This is all I could really afford.”

  “That’ll change soon enough. Each year you teach, you’ll move up on the salary scale, and when you’ve been teaching as long as I have, you’ll be making more than enough money.” Noah took the card and studied the pizza choices from the same place he usually ordered from. “Well, as long as you’re not extravagant, that is.”

  Paul opened his arms and turned from right to left. “I think you can already tell that I’m not terribly fussy in my tastes.” Paul offered a quick, embarrassed laugh and then headed back to the kitchen. “Although I will admit that I’m quite partial to imported beer. I hope you like Heineken.”

  “Sure, that’ll be great.” Noah stood and perused the menu, wondering if he would have to sit on his own or if Paul would extend the invitation.

  “Please,” Paul said as he returned with two bottles of beer, “make yourself comfortable and let me know when you’ve decided, then I’ll call in the order.”

  “I should probably call since I don’t have much cash. I’ll have to use my credit card.” Noah sat at one end of the velour sofa as Paul took sat down in the mismatched blue recliner.

  “Why don’t I get this one, then, and you can get the next one?”

  “Nothing doing, Mr. Great Evaluation. This is supposed to be my treat.”

  “But I’m the one who invited you, so technically—”

  “You’re not paying,” Noah announced, pointing a finger at his new friend. “And that’s final.”

  “Okay, okay,” Paul said as he raised one hand in surrender and brought the beer bottle to his lips. After he took a healthy swig, he teased, “I should know by now there’s no beating Mr. Discipline. I’ve heard plenty of stories from the kids about how you should have been a lawyer… always trapping kids in lies and never letting them get away with any garbage.”

  Noah wasn’t really sure if that observation was meant as a compliment or not, but he decided to ignore it completely. “What’s your favorite?” Noah asked as he held up the menu.

  “My mother used to call me the human garbage can. I’ll eat anything, so it’s up to you to choose what you like.”

  “Okay,” Noah said, returning his attention to the menu card. “How about a vegetarian for me and a meat-lovers’ for you?”

  “How did you know that was my favorite?”

  “I didn’t… until now, but I just figured you’d probably be like most of the other jocks I’ve known.”

  “Do most jocks like lots of meat on their pizzas?” Paul’s lips curved into a sly grin as he raised his bottle back toward his mouth.

  “Most jocks are human garbage cans. In my experience, anyway.”

  “Uh-oh,” Paul said, the grin growing a little bit more pronounced. “Don’t tell me. You were the nerdy type who got picked on by the jocks.”

  It wasn’t really a question, and Noah thought about denying it for a moment but then decided not to say anything.

  When he didn’t get an answer, Paul spoke again. “Or were you one of those kids in the drama club who sang and danced and got teased for being a fag?”

  “And if I was?” Noah had never done anything with drama or dancing when he’d been in school, but he’d certainly been called a few choice names by many of the jocks who figured he was gay.

  “Wouldn’t bother me. At all.” Paul put his bottle on the coffee table and rose out of his chair. He walked slowly to where Noah was sitting and extended a hand. Noah put the menu in the large hand, noticing for the first time the veins and soft hairs. “I would be a hypocrite if it did.”

  Noah understood the message, what Paul was trying to say, almost immediately. He felt his heart race as the heated skin of Paul’s fingers made contact with his skin, heard the breath rush in and out of his dry mouth. He was at a complete loss for words when Paul put the menu on the coffee table and then reached back for his hand, lifting him off of the sofa and wrapping him in his arms in one smooth movement. He thought of protesting, but he couldn’t focus on anything other than the feel of the warm skin of Paul’s arms, the gentle caresses of those strong hands up and down his back. He couldn’t find the words to explain that he didn’t think this was such a good idea. He wanted Paul more than anything, wanted this to happen, wanted to know what it would feel like to be pressed firmly together, bare skin to bare skin.

  “It’s taken me so long to work up the courage to do this,” Paul explained as he brought his face closer to Noah’s. “Please tell me this is okay.”

  Noah could only nod, fearful that if he spoke, his voice would only echo the jumbled and confused shrieks of happiness he heard in his own head. His eyes darted frantically back and forth between Paul’s hazel eyes, trying to recognize deception or confusion. Noah found neither. And when Paul brought their lips together for the first time, Noah’s arms latched on to the solid shoulders as his legs suddenly threatened to give out from the sheer tenderness of Paul’s kiss.

  Noah was certainly no virgin, but he’d never felt anything even remotely akin to what he was feeling now. He hadn’t been involved in any kind of committed relationship for more than two years, having decided after his last disastrous relationship that being alone was preferable to being with someone who made him miserable. He knew that he would eventually meet the one, but he’d never dared hope that it would be this good, that the man he would one day fall in love with would have everything he was looking for. Everything.

  Little by little, Paul’s kisses grew more intense. Noah continued to hold on to the taller man as he felt his head growing lighter from not breathing; he knew he should break the kiss and take a breath, but he couldn’t seem to make his muscles obey what his brain was telling them.

  Finally, Paul pulled away but remained so close to him that Noah could feel the hot breath caress his flushed cheeks. “You’re an incredible kisser, Noah.”

  Noah couldn’t smile, couldn’t respond, couldn’t do anything other than stare into those hazel eyes.

  When Paul pulled away from him, Noah felt the cool air between them and wondered if he’d done something wrong. But then Paul was taking his hand and leading him from the living room to the hall and into the bedroom.

  “I don’t think I can wait until after the pizza,” Paul whispered, his voice husky with desire, his eyes looking down as he unbuttoned Noah’s shirt. “Undress me? Wanna feel your hands all over me.”

  Noah did as he was told and began to unbutton Paul’s shirt, exposing the slightly hairy torso underneath. “Your skin is so hot,” Noah said and looked up at Paul and then back down as he pulled the shirt from the trousers. His hands were shaking a little as he felt the cool air move over his now-naked torso.

  They both reached for each other’s pants at the same time, the tangle of arms presenting little impediment to their individual efforts. Noah finished first and didn’t
wait for his pants to be tugged down or pulled off, dropping to his knees right away and taking Paul’s impressive cock into his mouth, swallowing the whole length and girth. He closed his eyes as he felt the satiny skin fill and stretch, Paul’s hands caressing his head. Neither made a sound.

  Noah let his hands travel over the taut abdomen, the solid thighs, and the flexing and straining muscles of Paul’s ass as he pushed gently in and out of Noah’s mouth. He fondled Paul’s low-hanging balls, his mouth straining to keep the growing erection contained. Noah wondered just how big Paul would get. It seemed absolutely enormous. And as he felt himself being pulled up by the strong arms, Noah wanted to know what it would feel like inside of him.

  “Sorry,” Paul said, his impressive chest heaving up and down as he breathed heavily. “I don’t want to come just yet. Want this to last for a while.”

  Noah nodded. “Yes, me too.” His hands traveled south and found the heavy dick. He stroked it gently for a few moments as their lips found each other again. His thumb moved slowly over the head, the pre-cum making the silky surface slick while Paul’s tongue moved past his lips and searched for its partner.

  “Fuck,” Paul hissed. “That feels so fucking incredible.”

  Noah felt dizzy, not really sure if it was due to Paul’s raspy, low voice or from lack of oxygen. He broke the kiss and moved to kneel in front of Paul again, his hands finally removing his own pants, boxers, and even socks. As he took Paul’s engorged cock in his mouth again, he pushed the bigger man toward the side of the bed. As Paul lay back on the bed, Noah used his hands to push the muscular thighs apart, his mouth reclaiming its prize.

  “You’re gonna make me come if you keep doing that,” Paul warned as Noah felt his hips beginning to buck. “Can you reach my nipples?”

  Noah followed this instruction as well, finding them, pinching them, and rolling them slowly between thumbs and forefingers. The sounds coming from Paul were almost primeval. Noah cupped the heavy balls with one hand while the other continued to pinch and twist first one nipple and then the other. Noah was quite sure that he could probably come just from knowing the effect he was having on Paul.