by Regan Ure
"You'd better hope your friend passes or Connor will be paying you a visit."
"That's not funny," I remarked with a playful glare. Matthew put up his hands in mock surrender.
"I warned you," he added with a mischievous glint in his eye.
I leaned back against the counter and smiled. It was the first time since my soul had been darkened with the memories of my childhood. He had a way of lightening the mood. It reminded me of what I was going to miss when he left.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Matthew asked, catching me staring at him.
"I'm really going to miss you."
His eyes softened. "Same here."
It sucked. I understood why he had to go, but I didn't have to like it.
I looked down at my phone. It was time to organize my life. Searching through my contacts, I found Levi's number. I couldn't think of anyone else I would rather have around than him.
I dialed his number and pressed my phone to my ear as it rang.
"Hey, you," Levi greeted.
"Hey," I replied. "I have something to ask you."
"Sure. What?"
"My roommate is moving out and I wondered if you'd like to move in with me?" I asked, holding my breath as I waited for his answer.
"How much is the rent?" he asked.
"Nothing."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Taylor's brother rented it out for the year and Taylor moved out. Matthew is moving out this weekend. So I'll be on my own."
He considered it for a few moments.
"Are you sure?" he asked. "I might be one of those guys who doesn't put the toilet seat down or leave my dirty clothes lying all over the place."
"Are you trying to talk me out of this?" I asked as I paced.
"No, not at all. I'd love to. I can't think of a nicer person to room with," he said, and I felt relieved. I'd never had a problem being on my own but since I was feeling more vulnerable I was glad I wouldn't have to stay in the apartment by myself. "But I have to warn you up front, I'm messy."
"I'm sure I can handle that." I had picked up after my mom for years while she had daydreamed about the next love of her life. Being responsible had been inbuilt in me. It wasn't something I had chosen.
"I'll have to give notice where I am but I'm happy to move in right away."
"That's great," I said, clutching my phone tighter, feeling like I had accomplished something.
Matthew watched me while I wrapped up the call.
"I could probably move in on Friday," he told me, and I felt relieved.
"That would be awesome." At least that was taken care of. And I was sure he would pass Connor's check.
"Thanks, girl," he said.
"You're welcome."
And it was done. I ended the call.
"I'm glad you're going to have someone else around," Matthew said.
"Me too," I said, walking over to the kitchen table and sitting down across from him. Putting my phone down, I cradled my face in my hands as I looked to Matthew.
"You hungry?"
"You know just what to say," I said while I nodded my head.
"You'd better take advantage of it while I'm here," he said, standing up.
I watched him as he started to open the cupboards, feeling sad he was going.
While he got supper ready, I slipped out of the kitchen to take my medication. I didn't want to run the risk of it wearing off. Remembering how awful I'd felt, I knew I didn't want a repeat.
The bottle was still half full so I would have at least two weeks' supply. Not that I planned to take that much, but it was nice to have the safety net just in case.
That night, despite the medication and feeling numb, I managed to smile as Matthew joked and talked. I tried not to think of Slater or concentrate on the fact that I hadn't heard from him.
Had I expected him to call or message me? My heart's answer was clear, but my mind knew he wouldn't.
Chapter Fifteen
That Friday Matthew moved out. Taylor and Sin came by to help and to see him off. It felt like the end of something and I felt a need to mourn it.
"I promise to call," he said as he hugged me and then Taylor. He shook Sin's hand.
"You need anything," he said to me, "you call me."
I nodded, fighting back the sting of tears. He gave me one last dimpled smile before he left.
"I'm going to miss him," Taylor said beside me.
"Me too."
I put my arm around her and hugged her. She had also developed a close connection with the bodyguard who had been employed to protect her.
"When is your new roommate moving in?" Sin asked, distracting us from our focus on Matthew.
"In a couple of hours," I replied. I released Taylor and got my phone out of the back pocket of my jeans and checked my messages to make sure Levi hadn't sent me any new messages.
"Who is the guy?" he asked.
I shook my head at him. "He has already passed Connor's background check," I assured him.
Taylor giggled, and I poked her with my elbow.
"It's nice to share my crazy brother with someone else," she said, and I gave her a playful glare.
"It's a good thing you're a really good friend or I'd have to let you go for that," I returned in a teasing tone, and she laughed.
They stayed for another couple of hours to visit and catch up.
"Why don't we go out tomorrow night?" Taylor suggested.
I was surprised and my eyes met Sin's. The hesitation on his part made me reach for Taylor's hand. "Are you sure?"
"Yes," she said, but my eyes went to Sin.
"That sounds great," Sin said. Taylor turned to smile at him.
She seemed excited about it but I wondered if she was ready. It had been a while since her abduction and she was still dealing with the trauma of it. Sin would be there to watch over her and keep her safe. He would probably bring Jeff to keep an extra eye on her.
It was only after they left that I realized Slater might join us. My stomach felt weird and knotted as I imagined seeing him again after my emotional scene and his reaction to the name Shannon. I wasn't sure if I could face him again. The fact that he hadn't contacted me made his choice clear.
Our arrangement was over and it was time to move on. Just as well. My attachment to him had allowed him closer than any other guy. It had led to him being able to open up the demons I had been hiding from for years.
I couldn't allow him any closer for fear of the pain he could inflict on me. I had spent years keeping myself closed off from getting too involved and for a moment I had lapsed with Slater. But I could fix this. I could stop my growing closeness to him. It would be made easier by his distance.
Everything would work out.
Alone, I wandered around the apartment and came to a stop outside Matthew's vacated room. I exhaled deeply before I turned away and walked to the sofa, dropping on it. I flicked through some channels before selecting a cooking channel. The background noise helped me not feel so alone.
Seeing them had made me think of Slater but I dared not ask about him. I got my phone and glanced down at the screen. Still no call or messages from him. There had been a few times I'd been tempted to call him but I couldn't figure out what to say. I didn't think there was a standard response for soothing over an emotional meltdown and his issues over the girl he had mentioned in his sleep.
Without the emotions, I knew this was for the best. It was easier to follow through with because of the medication. He had issues with getting close to people and I had issues from a past I was trying to bury.
Despite my agreement to enter into an arrangement that was only based on physical gratification, I had felt something for him, more than I had ever felt for a guy.
Did Slater feel something more for me? Did it matter? The answer was no. It would be safer for my emotional wellbeing to push aside any growing feelings I had for him and move on.
He was still on my mind when there was a knock at the do
or.
"Hi," I greeted Levi as I opened the door. He walked in with a box.
"Hey," he said, looking around the apartment. "This is amazing."
Connor had good taste. I showed him to the room next to mine and he put the box down on the bed.
"Thanks for not making me stay here alone," I said to him.
"Really? If I'd been in your shoes I wouldn't have shared," he said with a smile.
"Where's the rest of your stuff?" I asked as we left the room.
"Downstairs in the car," he said.
I followed him down and got some stuff. It didn't take us too much longer to carry it all back up to the apartment. By the time he was unpacked, I was tired as I slumped down on the sofa. Levi sat down next to me.
"Thanks for helping," he said.
"You're welcome." I felt like my life was back in balance with the arrival of my new roommate.
"I don't suppose you can cook?" I asked, and he chuckled.
"Not if you don't want the kitchen burnt down," he answered.
"You can't be that bad," I said, giving him a skeptical look.
"Trust me, you don't want me anywhere near a kitchen," he assured me. "I set the kitchen on fire twice at home."
"Okay, then it's time for pizza," I responded.
I called for takeout. It was the second time I found myself missing Matthew. If he were here he would be hard at work in the kitchen, cooking up a storm.
"How are your skills in the kitchen?" he asked.
"I can boil an egg," I replied, and he grinned.
"At least we won't starve."
After we ate our pizza that arrived half an hour later, I said goodnight to Levi and went to bed.
But instead of sleeping, I lay awake, studying my ceiling as I thought about Slater and the girl he'd mentioned in his sleep. Could Shannon really be his sister?
I turned on my side and hugged my pillow. I had the urge to call Connor and ask him to find out what happened to the sister Slater had never mentioned he had. My intuition and his reaction when I mentioned the name Shannon told me she was the reason he was so emotionally scarred.
Does it matter? I asked myself. It shouldn't. For my own preservation I had to make myself forget about him.
Slater's face was above mine. My body intertwined with his. The sight of the sadness in his eyes tugged at my heart. I reached out and touched his cheek with my hand, wanting to be able to take some of the sadness from the depths of his eyes.
"What happened?" I asked, searching his eyes for the answers.
He pulled away and rolled off me. I sat up, holding the sheet to my chest. I wanted to push him for answers but I knew if I pushed him too far he would walk away.
"I can't," he whispered. The hoarseness in his voice made me reach out and touch his back.
"You have to tell someone," I urged him.
His back stiffened slightly before he looked back over his shoulder. His face was somber as he faced me.
"Tell me what happened?" he asked, turning the tables on me.
I retracted my hand like he'd burned my fingertips and gripped the sheet tighter to my chest. The swirl of emotions suffocated me from inside. Betrayal, anger, and humiliation constricted my lungs as his eyes held mine.
"You have to tell someone," he said. I shook my head, refusing to even consider the option.
I had never told anyone what had happened to me and I wasn't going to talk now. Revealing it would not ease the burden I carried. It wouldn't erase what happened to me.
I woke up feeling distressed and uneasy. The point of my dream wasn't lost on me. If I wanted him to open up about his issues, I had to be prepared to do the same. And I wasn't.
* * *
"You feel like going out tonight?" I asked Levi the next day.
It would be easier to face Slater if I had someone I could use as a buffer.
"Where?" he asked while he watched sports on TV.
"I'm going out with a couple of friends—Sin and Taylor." There was a good chance Slater would be there as well. "Sin mentioned some college party."
"Sure," he said. I felt relieved. My medication was still keeping my emotions from making me unable to cope with day-to-day tasks, but I feared it wouldn't be enough to help me through tonight.
I could have canceled, and I had toyed with the idea, but the fact that Taylor wanted to go out was something I had to support. It hadn't been an easy road to recovery for her but with every little step she was getting better.
It helped that the crazy who had been responsible for her ordeal was locked up.
"What time do you need me to be ready?" he asked as he focused back on the TV in front of him.
"About eight," I said. "We'll go to their place first."
"I'll be ready."
I left him to go get ready, mulling over my possible outfits for the night ahead. The chance that Slater would be there made me determined to look good. I knew that thought didn't tie in with my decision to let him go and move on.
I rubbed my temple slightly, trying to make sense of my feelings and my logical thoughts.
After a quick shower I surveyed the three outfits I had narrowed it down to, deciding to go with the more casual outfit. It was like I was making the statement that I didn't care he was going to be there. My outfit could lie but my heart couldn't.
I looked at the bottle of tablets that had helped me over the last couple of days. Checking my watch, I calculated I wouldn't be able to take another until after we had to leave. To make sure I didn't forget, I slipped the bottle into my bag.
It wasn't ideal. But having an emotional episode was less attractive.
After getting ready, I surveyed myself in the mirror. I was happy with the outfit and the soft touch of makeup. I soothed my hair before I picked up my bag and walked out of the room.
"Look at you, handsome," I said to Levi as I saw him leaning against the back of the couch. He was dressed in jeans and a smart dark blue shirt that emphasized his eyes.
He smiled. "I'm glad you approve." His eyes glided over my outfit. "You don't look too bad yourself."
I put my hand on my hip and pouted playfully.
"I take it back. You look stunning," he quipped. "I'll have the most beautiful girl on my arm tonight."
"Suck-up," I said with a cough, and he chuckled.
"Nope, it's the truth. Any guy who had you would be lucky," he said in a more serious tone.
The guy who could have me didn't want me. The thought hurt. I glanced down at my watch to calculate when I could take my next tablet to numb the pain.
"All guys are assholes," I said, trying to smile even though I didn't feel like it.
If I could I would have blown off the evening and spent the night in the safety of my room, trying to work through my issues and my feelings for Slater.
"That bad?" Levi asked, walking up to me.
"Yeah," I said softly, and then swallowed.
"Then I'll make sure you have a great night," he promised. The sparkle in his eyes gave me hope that, despite my fears, tonight would go better than I expected.
"I'm going to hold you to that. Let's go," I told him, leading the way.
He drove us to Sin and Taylor's place. The numbness of inner turmoil was wearing off and I could feel the flutter of nervousness in the pit of my stomach.
"You okay?" Levi asked, giving me a side-glance.
"Yeah, why?" I asked. If he could tell something was up so would everyone else. I would be an open book for everyone to see.
"You just look like you've got a lot on your mind."
He didn't know the half of it.
"No, I'm fine," I said, brushing off his concern. I didn't want to give a glimpse into the pain I had been struggling with as well as the hurt I felt from being abandoned, even knowing it was for the best.
It reinforced the idea that guys only brought heartbreak and pain.
I should have kept to the type of guy who wouldn't have managed to pierce the protective armor
I had built up around my heart. I had felt it the moment my eyes had connected with him—an awareness and attraction I couldn't fight. I had played with fire and gotten burned. Now it was time to retreat and allow my wounds to heal.
When we pulled up in front of Sin's condo, my eyes went to the condo a few doors down. I wondered if he was at home or if he was already at Sin and Taylor's.
Levi got out of the car and I got out of the passenger side. He offered his arm and I took it, plastering a smile on my lips.
"Relax," Levi whispered in my ear, and I nodded, trying to obey. But with every step closer to the door, I could feel the nervous knots inside me tighten.
I knocked and waited, feeling more nervous with every second that passed.
"Hey," Sin said when he opened the door. His eyes narrowed on Levi but he recovered and stepped back, inviting us in.
I probably should have told Taylor beforehand that I was bringing someone else. I shrugged the thought off. It was too late now.
"Sin, this is Levi," I said, introducing them just before Taylor joined us. Sin shook hands with Levi.
"The new roommate?" he asked, and I nodded.
Taylor was also taken by the sight of Levi.
"Hi," she greeted him, her usual friendly self. I couldn't say the same for Sin. He was watching him with a reserved look.
"Taylor, this is Levi," I told her.
"It's nice to meet you," she said. Levi gave her a smile.
"Come in," she said. Just as he passed her, she gave me a questioning look. The moment she got a chance she was going to be asking why I had brought him.
I had expected to see Slater, but nothing prepared me for the sight of him sitting on the sofa with another girl. It hit me straight in the chest and I faltered for a moment. And then I had my defenses up.
Breathe, I told myself. One breath in and then exhale.
At my momentary lapse, Sin introduced Levi to Slater and the girl who was sitting beside him. I caught her name as Sin introduced me to her. Cathy. She was beautiful, with long dark hair and the longest natural eyelashes I had ever seen bringing out her hazel eyes.