Where I Found You

by Heidi R. Kling

  Deni nodded without irony, because why would it be ironic for him? “Yes. She is a very good singer.” Deni pointed at a light-skinned Indonesian girl wearing tons of purple eye shadow and cherry red lipstick. Wearing tight blue jeans and an even tighter shirt, she swung her hips to the tune. I mean, I was being totally daring wearing a short-sleeved shirt tonight, and the girl on the show was dressed like, well, girls on American Idol back home.

  “Have you seen this before?” I asked Deni. “There’s no TV at the pesantren, right?”

  “No, there’s not. I only watch when I’m out.”

  Out? So he went out often? I wrinkled my nose, then realized how silly I was being.

  Of course he did. Why would I think this time with me would be his first?

  “Why isn’t she wearing a hijab?” I asked.

  He shrugged. “On television some girls do not.”

  “That’s okay?”

  “Yes. But on public television here they will never show a kiss. It would be vulgar. They show kisses on American television.”

  And then some. I blushed. “Yeah, they do.”

  Dinner was fluffy coconut rice, nasi uduk, and gudeg, which Deni explained was jackfruit cooked for a long time so it looked like meat.

  “You like the meal?” Deni asked. “It is mixed with kuda. You remember, horse.” He cracked up at my openmouthed expression. “I am making a joke,” he said. “It is only jackfruit, do not worry.”

  Deni scooped up his food like there was no tomorrow. The jackfruit was cooked in palm sugar, sweet, almost too sweet, and dark brown.

  We ate quietly for a while, new contestants appearing on Indonesian Idol. He stared at me for a beat before asking, “Why did you come to the pesantren, Sienna? Do you not have studies?”

  “It’s summer vacation, so no school.”

  “Did you want to travel to Indonesia?”

  I licked palm sugar off my fingers. “At first I didn’t, but then I changed my mind.”

  “I am glad you came,” he said softly.

  “So am I. How are things going in the group with my dad? Is he helping you?” I asked, digging into a partially melted scoop of green ice cream.

  Deni nodded. “I have a terrible nightmare night after night about my ibu.”

  “You do? What happens in yours? I mean, if you don’t mind sharing.” Maybe hearing about his would help me with my own. And maybe I could help him, too.

  His face clouded over. “I will tell you. In my bad dream my ibu is dressed in black for mourning. It is the day the sea came. She rises out of the ocean and reaches her arms out to me, trying to pull me under the sea with her to my death.” He shook his head as if trying to remove the image from his brain. “It is horrible.”

  I set down my spoon. “That is horrible.”

  It dawned on me I hadn’t had the recurring nightmare about my mom since I’d arrived.

  Dreams are a porthole into the subconscious, Sienna.

  Was my subconscious getting better? Awake me sure was. That, I felt.

  “I wake up cold, wet, yelling,” Deni said. “My friends, they wake me up. Your father is teaching me ways to get away from the dream.”

  “Is it working?” I asked.

  He shrugged. “A little. It’s hard to change such a thing.”

  “I know.”

  He cocked his head. “You know?”

  “I have a horrible dream, too…night after night…about my mother.”

  “Your ibu?”

  I nodded. “And the ocean. Do you really want to hear this?”

  “Yes. It is another day.” He held my eyes. “But if you do not want to, do not tell me.”

  I wiped my hands on my skirt. “No, it’s okay. It was a long time ago. I don’t talk about it very much, that’s all.”

  “She drowned?”

  “Well, her plane disappeared. Over the ocean. They never found the plane.”

  He sat silently, his eyes sad, waiting for me to tell him more.

  I took a deep breath. I never told this story. Ever.

  “I was twelve years old. Mom and Dad weren’t far from here. In Thailand. They were working at an island camp where the people had been relocated after a typhoon. They were passing out malaria pills and stuff like that. Anyway, Dad was busy with his patients, and Mom heard that kids were stuck after a school collapsed. It was raining. A bad storm. He warned her not to go, it was too dangerous, but she left anyway in a single-engine plane. Something happened—they don’t know what—pilot error or engine failure. All we know is that she…well, she never came back—and she never showed up at the village. The kids were waiting for her. They were still waiting, and she never came back.”

  Tears stung my eyes. I didn’t want to cry. “They looked and looked. At first they thought the plane might have crashed in the jungle, but there was no wreckage anywhere, so they just assumed it went down in the sea. That’s the reason I don’t surf or body board anymore. I have nightmares about her…me…drowning in the ocean.”

  Deni reached across the table and wrapped his fingers around mine. Right there in the restaurant. Right out in the open.

  “And to you now the ocean is an unhappy place,” he said, his eyes warm. “And so you dream of it that way.”

  I nodded, biting my lip. “Not that it compares to anything that happened to you—I mean, I can’t imagine what you went through. I don’t know how you do it, how you stay so sure of yourself. And having nightmares on top of it.”

  He looked deeply into my eyes. “We do not choose what happens to us. We can only choose what we do after. What we do now. We can only choose to keep going.”

  Frustrated tears sprung in my eyes, my voice choking with emotion, remembering. Confessing. Finally ready to share the part of story I never talked about, ever.

  “Well, your family didn’t have a choice. The wave came. You all ran. But my mother had a choice. She didn’t have to go up in that plane in a storm, so why did she go? If she hadn’t left, she would be here now.” I looked at our hands like they might have the answers. Mine looked so safe wrapped in his. “Dad won’t talk to me about it. I used to ask all the time for more and more details, so I could find out what happened, so I could go find her, you know? But he just said, ‘She’s gone.’”

  “Your mother must have wanted to help. That was a choice you made, too, to come here. You chose to come here to help. Even though you might think it is dangerous.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know if that’s the same thing. I mean, there was a storm and—”

  Deni tightened his grip on my hand, stopping me. “Maybe hers was not the choice you would have made. But you cannot go back and save her.”

  I swiped away the tears streaking down my cheek with the back of my other hand.

  Deni set some paper money on the table. “We will go,” he said, gently rubbing my thumb.

  I sniffled and frowned. “Wait, where’d you get the money?”

  “I sold something.”

  “You sold something to buy my meal?”

  “Yes. Do not look at me like that. I wanted to. I am happy to do it.”

  “No. Deni.” I shook my head. “You shouldn’t have done that. You should’ve bought something for yourself…or kept whatever it was you sold…”

  “Sienna.” His determined look stopped me. “I wanted to.”

  But did he want me?

  Whoa. Where did that thought come from?

  His eyes darkened like he knew what I was thinking, that I wanted to get the hell out of there, and fast, because he stood and reached for my arm.

  Somehow, he got me out of the restaurant and back onto the busy street, which glistened with oil streaks and rain. When had it started to rain?

  He put his arm around me, pulling me close. We walked for a bit in the hot downpour. Deni’s eyes darted around, and I started to worry. Were we being followed? Did we need to find somewhere to hide?

  Or maybe he was looking for somewhere we could be alone… />
  We ducked into a dirty alley filled with empty chicken cages, and pressed our backs against a wall. Rain pinged on the tin overhang that barely shielded us from the storm.

  Deni moved in front of me and wrapped his arms around my waist, blocking as much of the rain as he could, but water still dripped from his hair in fat droplets. The tension between us was so thick, I could’ve touched it. I squirmed under his intense gaze, wondering what would happen next.

  I didn’t have to wait long.

  He peeled the wet hair off my cheek, tucked it behind my ear, and gently kissed the skin where the wet strands had hung. I gasped, then shivered. Huh. I didn’t know you could get chills in the heat. I snuggled deeper into his arms, but the chills only intensified.

  Oh. So, not cold, then.

  His mouth brushed against mine. Soft at first, testing, until I thought I’d fall over from the gentleness of it. How was that even possible?

  “Is this okay?” he asked against my lips.

  Heck yes. I pressed as close to him as I could get. “Very okay.”

  That must’ve been all he was waiting for, because he groaned and just…went for it, no hesitation at all when he nibbled my bottom lip, then nudged open my mouth and kissed me like he might die if he didn’t. I felt the same way.

  When I couldn’t hold my breath any longer, I pulled back and gasped. All those years wondering what it would be like, my first real kiss, and I was lucky enough to get this? To get Deni?

  “Sienna,” he breathed, cupping my face in his hands. Raindrops rolled down his cheeks, down the bridge of his nose, and streaked across his lips.

  “Deni,” I whispered back.

  He smiled and pressed his lips to mine, gentle again. Patient.

  Screw patience. I grabbed onto his shirt to keep myself steady and kissed those raindrops away, showing him exactly how badly I’d wanted this kiss. This night. This everything.

  Hot, pounding rain threatened to swallow us whole, but I didn’t care. We clung to each other like we were drowning because in a way, we were.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Five Years Ago

  I kissed Spider once, but it didn’t count. Not really.

  We were playing truth or dare on Spider’s rooftop outside his second-story window.

  Bev was the one who dared us.

  “Truth or dare?” she said.

  “Dare,” I said. Why’d she even bother to ask? I always chose dare.

  Her eyes darkened, and a huge grin spread across her face. “I dare you to kiss Spider.”

  I shook my head quickly. “No way. Changed my mind. Truth!”

  She threw her hands in the air. “You said dare, you have to do it.”

  “No, I don’t.”

  Bev pointed at me, shaking her finger. “No take backs, Sea.”

  Spider scratched his sandy hair. He looked nervous. “Bev, come on. Dare her to jump into the ocean without a wet suit or something,” he said.

  It was dark and foggy out. I would freeze for sure.

  But freezing or kissing?

  I’d take my chances.

  “That’s fine,” I said agreeing with Spider’s idea. “Let’s go.”

  Bev shook her head smugly. “Nope. A kiss. That’s your dare.”

  I remembered looking at him. Brick red freckles sprinkled across his nose and cheeks. His blond bangs hung over his eyes.

  “Okay, fine.” I leaned over and kissed Spider, quick on the cheek like he was Dad sitting in his easy chair.

  Bev wasn’t pleased. “Kiss means on the lips. Try again.”

  “Bev, come on,” I hissed in her ear. “Don’t make me kiss your brother.”

  I glanced over at Spider, who was turning all shades of lobster in the street light shadow.

  She rubbed her hands together. “Sorry. A dare’s a dare. What are you, Sea, a chicken?”

  My eyes burned in the moonlight. “You’re so mean sometimes.”

  Bev shrugged. She knew how awful this was. She hadn’t kissed a boy yet, either.

  I wouldn’t do this to her.

  “Leave her alone, Bev. This is lame anyway,” Spider said, picking at the roof tiles.

  Off the hook. Then why did I feel so disappointed?

  “It’s okay.” I shrugged, suddenly changing my mind. “I have to, Spider. A dare’s a dare. Just…just keep your eyes closed.”

  “If you insist,” he said with a lopsided grin, and closed his eyes.

  I scooted forward, skidding my butt over the slanted rooftop, careful so I didn’t slip off and fall into the yard.

  When I was close enough to feel his breath on my face, I sat on my knees and leaned in.

  I’d never kissed anyone on the lips except Mom and Dad, and that was when I was a little kid. I took a deep breath and puckered up like a girl in a lip gloss ad.

  His eyes, the same color as mine, opened, even though I’d asked him not to. His lips tasted like cherry Popsicle and salty sea. Was this kissing?

  “Spider! Beverly!” The twins’ mom’s voice suddenly filled the rooftop. My eyes flew open, and I spun around. She was staring at me, her head poked out through the window.

  “Sorry, we were just…playing a game,” I said apologizing.

  “Truth or dare.” Spider leaned back a little, still flushed. I smiled at him, and he smiled back. It was like getting forced awake from a perfect dream.

  But Mrs. Adams didn’t look mad. She looked like she’d seen a ghost. “Sienna—sweetheart,” she said slowly.

  Her usual smiling face was sad, her lips quivering.

  It was just a kiss. Was it that big of a deal? “I’m sorry,” I said. “Bev dared me! We won’t ever do it again. Pinky swear.”

  Spider laughed as Bev denied my accusation.

  “You need to come inside,” Mrs. Adams said, and ducked back inside.

  “Let’s go in, you guys,” I said.

  I scratched up my knees crawling back toward the open window.

  By the time we climbed inside, Mrs. Adams had tears streaming down her face. Her hands were shaking. She was holding a red cordless phone that was beeping loudly like someone on the other end of the line hung up a while ago.

  Why hadn’t she hung up her end?

  Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

  I never forgot that sound.

  “Sweetheart,” Mrs. Adams touched my thin shoulder, “I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know how to s-say this. Your grandmother just called—there’s been an accident.”

  She hugged me like she was trying to protect me from her own words.

  “You need to go straight home,” was all she could manage to say.

  Chapter Twenty

  It was still raining when we snuck back through the white gate, but not as hard. Gentle, teasing rain drifted down, keeping us wet.

  Deni let go of my hand when we got close to the dimly lit pesantren property.

  My hand felt naked without his.

  He turned and kissed a raindrop off my cheek. The half-moon reflected off the dark, grassy field.

  “What happened to your leg, Deni?”

  His shoulders hunched. “I walk crooked now. You noticed.”

  “No. I can barely tell. I just…well…”

  What? Admit I stared at him all the time? Had been watching him since I first arrived?

  He leaned back against the gatekeeper’s post and glanced up at the moon before he started talking, like telling the sky was easier than telling me. “It happened the day the wave came. I was escaping on my motor. People were grabbing at me, trying to cling on to my back as I drove. To get a ride. But I had no more room. A group of boys jumped on, fearing the water, and the motor crashed. It landed on my leg. I looked behind me, and the water was coming close. The boys ran, and I pushed the motor off my leg and got back on. But my leg, here, see?” He lifted the bottom of his pants to show me a thick, deep blue scar, clear in the shadows. No wonder he always wore pants. “This is what happened.” He shrugged. “But I am still he
re.”

  “Did you go to a doctor? That scar looks deep. Maybe my dad could look at it? He’s a psychiatrist, but he’s also a medical doctor.”

  He waved off the thought. “There were thousands drowning. My cut was nothing. It is still nothing compared.” He scrunched his face as if trying to force the memory out of his mind forever.

  I imagined Deni, blood gushing from his leg, fleeing the tsunami.

  “It sounds stupid, but I wish I could have been there to help you. I wish I could help you now.”

  “You are helping me,” he said, emotion swelling in his eyes, his voice.

  “Deni.” I ran my fingers over the smooth skin of his forearm. “You know I’m leaving in a week, right? I…don’t want things to be weird for the rest of our stay. I mean, I want to be with you, but I don’t want us to get into trouble.” I gulped. “I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

  His eyes shut briefly like he was trying to make a decision. Then his dark lashes fluttered open, and he traced an invisible line down my cheek with his finger. “So we make sure we are not caught.”

  I grinned. “I like that answer.”

  Not yet ready to let him go, even if just for the night, I put my arms around his neck and pulled him down for one more kiss. His lips were so soft, I wished I could kiss him all night long.

  “When will I see you again?” I whispered, my face tilted up to his.

  “I will find you,” he said in my ear, and I felt it all the way down to my toes.

  “Yeah, but…I don’t want you to go.”

  “Then I will stay.” He closed the space between us, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Dawn is not for a while,” he said, kissing me gently, “and no one can see us in the dark.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I’m not on a plane. I’m standing on a beach of white sand staring out at a black sea. Except for larger-than-life gulls screeching above me, I’m alone. And then I’m not.

  A figure appears.

  Dressed in black with a veil covering her face, she floats above the waves.

  Calling out to me: Sienna.

  I try to run, but my feet won’t move. They’re cemented to the sand. I try to close my eyes, but they won’t close.

  The woman comes closer, skimming over the tops of the waves like she is flying. She stops. Hovers over the wet sand. Dead fish, cans, and bottom-of-the-ocean debris cling to her torn black robe like barnacles. She reaches her arms out to me and wind lifts the veil off her face. “Come, Sienna…come.”