Shayna turns to you. “If your parents allow you to see Ben, you have to respect their rules. This is their home, and you’re their daughter. And lying is nonnegotiable.”
You nod.
“He’s very nice,” your mom says. “I just don’t want you to get hurt, and you got hurt with Alex—you ended up in the hospital. We had to put you on medication! And with Ben—with Ben, you started cutting, and look, you ended up in the hospital too.”
“Mom, Dad, you have to know something,” you say.
“What is it?” your mom asks.
“Ben is the one who sent in the anonymous tip to school about the cutting,” you say.
“Now I really hate him,” Todd says.
“No, you idiot!” you snap. “He was trying to help me and he thought that was the best thing to do!”
Shayna interrupts. “Ben did what he thought was right. It’s pretty obvious he wants what’s best for her. He’s nothing like Alex and he’s not going to intentionally hurt her.”
Your mom reaches for your hand again. She’s got tears puddling in her eyes so you take her hand in yours. Her emotions are aggravating you, but she is your mom so you can’t blame her for being the way she is.
“I guess it’s okay for her to see Ben,” your mom says.
Your dad nods in agreement.
“Okay,” Shayna says. “So we all understand that there’s to be no more lying or sneaking out, and the kids must respect your rules.”
You and your parents nod. Your mom says, “We pulled her out of the hospital so fast she never got that prescription from Winthrop. We need to get her back on Zoloft too.”
“Okay,” Shayna says. “Schedule an appointment with her primary doctor for this week so he can write the prescription.”
“I’ll do that,” your mom says.
“And we’ll continue at Healthy Foundations next Monday with one-on-one and group therapy. Take this afternoon and evening off. I’d also like to suggest some family therapy as well. The five of us, Todd, including you, we can meet maybe every other week? How do you feel about that?” Shayna specifically looks at Todd when she asks this. When he doesn’t say anything, she nudges him.
“Todd? Are you okay with some family sessions?”
“Whatever,” he says, and shrugs. “If it’ll help.”
“It will,” Shayna says.
“Okay,” Todd agrees.
“I think it’s a good idea,” your mom says. “There’s been a disconnect in this family for a long time. Maybe therapy will help all of us?”
“Yes,” your dad says.
“Therapy’s tough on everyone. It takes a lot out of the patient, and it’s work,” Shayna tells your family. “She’s trying really hard, is open to exploring new foods, and wants to get better. She really does. Right there is half the battle. I’m so proud of her.”
“We are too,” your mom says.
“Hold up, I’m still concerned about the cutting,” your dad says.
Shayna looks to you for the answer.
“No more, Dad. That was just some crazy stuff. I can’t explain it. But I don’t want to do it anymore. I promise.”
Then Todd speaks. “How is Ben?”
“You broke his nose and gave him stitches in his lip.”
“Ow,” he says.
“Yeah, not good.”
“You need to get over there and apologize to him and his parents,” your dad says to Todd.
“I was only looking out for my sister,” Todd says. “Because I love you,” he adds, and scrunches up his face in a weird way like it pains him to say it.
It’s the first time in practically forever those words have come from his mouth directed at you and you almost fall off the couch. You feel a smile spread across your face.
“You’re still a jerk,” you say back, but you grin stupidly at Todd. You feel like you hate him just a tiny bit less for that small gesture of love, even though you do think he’s a complete asshole for beating up your boyfriend.
“By the way, Todd,” your mother adds, “you’ll be paying for that hospital bill.”
Now your smile grows wider.
“So,” Shayna says, “we’re all good with the plan?”
“Yes,” your mom says. “I’m so happy!” She actually sighs next to you. You can feel her tension melt. You realize now that this has been hard on your parents too.
You exhale and feel something inside you churn. It’s not the monster, because the monster doesn’t exist. He never existed. It’s a feeling of exhilaration, of being settled, of knowing that you’re heading in the right direction.
The direction of recovery.
62
“Come on, I’ll drive you to school.”
Shayna has gone, and you, Todd, and your parents are in the living room.
“What?” you ask.
“Let’s go,” Todd says. “I have to get to school. I missed this morning’s practice and if I don’t show up this afternoon, Coach won’t let me play Friday night.”
“All right,” you say.
You weren’t sure if you were ready to go back to school today but no sense in putting off the inevitable. You’ll have to face everyone and any rumors that are swirling around eventually. Might as well be today.
You tell Todd you need a minute and you run upstairs to brush your hair and grab your backpack. When you get downstairs, your mom hands you a paper bag that she’s put together.
“Lunch,” she says.
“Thanks,” you say.
In the car, Todd is quiet and so are you. You don’t know what to say to him. You think he might be annoyed that he’s being forced to go to family therapy.
“Hey, I’m sorry,” he finally says.
You swallow hard and are not sure how to respond, but his words make you emotional.
“I know I haven’t been the best brother, and what I did to Ben was really shitty. So I’m sorry.” He pats you on the thigh, a gesture only a big brother could pull off.
You don’t want to cry, but it means so much coming from him, to hear him say those words. You blink back tears, glance at him really quickly, and say, “Thanks.”
You look out the window the rest of the way, feeling all sorts of relief.
* * *
Although you weren’t out of school for long, people gossip, and you’re sure there are rumors about a suicide attempt. Some kids stare at you in the hallway, whisper when you walk by. You hear someone say something about an eating disorder but you ignore the talk. The kids who start those rumors don’t matter to you. There are a few kids who are sympathetic and they ask how you’re doing.
You feel good about yourself and the path you’re on. You have Shayna to help you, your parents are being great, your brother actually apologized to you, and you’ve got Jae and Ben to support you. At school, your goal is to get through your classes and avoid drama. Between last year and recent events, you’ve had enough drama for a lifetime.
But there’s one last thing you have to do to put this all behind you.
In English class, the six-word memoirs hang on the wall. Because it was in this class that things fell apart, you need to make it right.
You ask the girl who sits next to you—the one who noticed you bleeding that day—if you can borrow a sheet of paper. She smiles at you and hands you one that she pulls from a spiral notebook.
“You doing okay?” she asks.
“So much better, thanks,” you answer.
On the sheet of paper, you scrawl six quick words and before Mr. Owens starts class you go to his desk and ask if you may borrow some tape because you’d like to add your new six-word memoir to the wall.
“Sure,” he says, and hands you a roll of tape. “We’re glad you’re back.”
“Me too,” you say.
You pass Alex and make serious eye contact with him and give him a smile. It’s a genuine smile, one that conveys something like I’m over it, let’s be over it. You’re not sure if you’ll want to talk to hi
m someday, but smiling at him feels like the closing of a chapter that you needed to end a long time ago.
You take your new memoir and go to the wall where the others are hanging. There are some interesting ones, one about being a basketball player, another about dancing through life, even one about reaching for the stars.
You tape your memoir on the wall. Maybe it will help another girl realize that it can be true for her. Maybe it’ll help someone who doesn’t know how hard things can get. Maybe it will give another girl the strength she’ll need to get through her own battle. Because you’re sure there are others than just you who need help. You hope someone who needs it will read your words and believe them as fiercely as you do.
My eating disorder doesn’t control me.
* * *
Ben picks you up that afternoon and you suggest a drive to Lone Dog Mountain. You’re not in the mood to hang out at home, and you’re pretty sure Ben’s not up for seeing Todd.
At Lone Dog, Ben parks the car in the lot but neither of you moves to get out. You tell him about that morning’s meeting with Shayna and your parents, and how Todd apologized to you, and how he wants to apologize to him as well. You tell him about plans for family therapy and that things feel better between you and your parents, and they’re okay with the two of you being together. You tell him you feel the best you’ve felt in a very long while.
Ben smiles at your news and moves closer to you.
He puts his hands on your cheeks and says your name.
“I love you,” he says.
“I love you back,” you say.
You remember the first day you saw him, that day on the river. That day that you thought was a partially good day, that turned out to be an amazing day. The day you floated on the river with the perfect boy who, just by holding your hand, made you feel all sorts of incredible, way down to the bottom of your toes.
Ben still makes you feel this way.
You want more of those days where you’re filled with warmth, laughter, and love. You know you’ll experience them, because you’re getting well, and you’ve surrounded yourself with people who care about you.
He kisses you, and just like that …
… you’re floating …
… under sun-drenched skies and white clouds …
… back on a river …
… free of the monster …
… that never existed.
acknowledgments
I thought writing the ending was hard, but this, so much more.
Thank you to Adriann Ranta at Foundry Literary + Media, who unslushed and loved this book. Thank you also to all the great people at Wolf Literary. Thank you, Margaret Ferguson, Susan Dobinick, and the incredible team at FSG, for bringing Sad Perfect to life.
To Trish, who has saved me more often than she knows in times of writing despair. You are a friend and writer extraordinaire and will always be my BBFF, forever and ever. I love you, Swishy!
To my best author friends, who have encouraged me through early drafts and rough rejections: Jess Riley, Eileen Cook, Liz Fenton, Lisa Steinke, Amy Sprenger, Jenna McCarthy, and Tracey Garvis Graves. To Amy Hatvany, who told me once, “Remember it only takes the right pair of eyes.” Thank you to my good friend and book supporter Crystal Patriarche, and everyone at BookSparks.
My Chicago author girls: I miss you all more than you know. Thank you for your long-distance love and friendship. I wish more than anything I could hang with you all, talk about our love of books and writing, and do lunch—with wine! You know who you are—much love!
To the members of The Sweet Sixteens—thank you for your mentoring and support, especially to Shannon M. Parker, Marisa Reichardt, Kathleen Glasgow, and Julie Buxbaum. To the amazing Swanky Seventeen admins and crew, and especially to Sara Biren—there’s no way I could have gotten through the final book stages without you all. Your friendship, support, and jokes sustained me.
Thank you to my dear friends Cathy Braner, Robyn O’Halloran, Lauren Byrd, Tara McCarver, and author J. Nathan for reading an early draft and offering insightful feedback.
Thank you to all the teens and readers who have read Sad Perfect. If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, especially ARFID, please know you can get better. Social anxiety, depression, and eating disorders are such debilitating issues that affect the whole family, and my heart goes out to those of you who struggle.
For their writing inspiration: Judy Blume—my first ever author crush—for introducing me to the world of reading with Blubber in fifth grade. Because of you, I never stopped reading and writing. To Rainbow Rowell, who writes perfect books. I was a goner with Attachments. And to Emily Giffin—there are no words to express my sincere gratitude to you—for your books, your friendship, your kindness.
To Colleen and Tom Stein, my beloved mom and dad, for letting me be a nerdy bookworm when I was a kid. For always buying me books, for getting me that robin’s-egg blue Smith Corona typewriter for my fourteenth birthday, and then buying me an electric typewriter for college. Also, Dad, thanks for always saying, “What are you doing, writing a book?” whenever I asked you a question. Because now I can say, “Yeah, I did!”
To my siblings, Stacy, Scott, and Seth. Because you are my sibs and I’d never hear the end of it if your names weren’t included. I love you all. Please read my book. Or tell your friends to read my book!
The biggest thanks to everyone at Healthy Futures, especially Kim DiRé, Mia Elwood, Jeanne Phillips, and Ilene Smith. You helped my family through a very difficult time and I am forever, ever grateful for your love and care.
I have to thank the boy who held my daughter’s hand as they floated down the river together that summer day. It was you who inspired the first chapter of Sad Perfect.
To my husband, Scott—my Day One—and my dear sons, AJ and Luke; thank you for always being proud of me, and for telling people, “My wife/mom is an author.” I think you believed it before I ever did. Luke, thank you for telling me to change Dr Pepper to Sprite in chapter 7. You are my guys and I love you all.
And finally, to my daughter, my inspiration, McKaelen Flynn, who is strong and wonderful and beautiful in so many ways. You are one-third of my heart and I love you.
about the author
Stephanie Elliot is the author of Sad Perfect. She has written for a variety of websites and magazines and is a book reviewer, a parenting columnist, a mommy blogger, and an editor. She lives in Scottsdale, Arizona. Visit her online at stephanieelliot.com, or sign up for email updates here.
Thank you for buying this
Farrar, Straus and Giroux ebook.
To receive special offers, bonus content,
and info on new releases and other great reads,
sign up for our newsletters.
Or visit us online at
us.macmillan.com/newslettersignup
For email updates on the author, click here.
contents
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
&
nbsp; 51
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Copyright
Farrar Straus Giroux Books for Young Readers
An imprint of Macmillan Publishing Group, LLC
175 Fifth Avenue, New York 10010
Text copyright © 2017 by Stephanie Elliot
All rights reserved
First hardcover edition, 2017
eBook edition, February 2017
fiercereads.com
The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:
Names: Elliot, Stephanie, author.
Title: Sad perfect / Stephanie Elliot.
Description: First edition. | New York: Farrar Straus Giroux, 2017. | “Margaret Ferguson books.” | Summary: “The story of a teen girl’s struggle with Avoidant / Restrictive Food Intake Disorder and how love helps her on the road to recovery”—Provided by publisher.
Identifiers: LCCN 2016013348 (print) | LCCN 2016037176 (ebook) | ISBN 9780374303754 (hardback) | ISBN 9780374303778 (ebook)
Subjects: | CYAC: Eating disorders—Fiction. | Love—Fiction. | BISAC: JUVENILE FICTION / Social Issues / Depression & Mental Illness. | JUVENILE FICTION / Social Issues / Dating & Sex.
Classification: LCC PZ7.1.E443 Sad 2017 (print) | LCC PZ7.1.E443 (ebook) | DDC [Fic]—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016013348
Our e-Books may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at (800) 221-7945 ext. 5442 or by e-mail at [email protected].
eISBN 9780374303778
Sad Perfect Page 20