Scene III
King’s-Mead-Fields. [Enter Sir LUCIUS O’TRIGGER and ACRES, with pistols.]
ACRES By my valour! then, Sir Lucius, forty yards is a good distance. Odds levels and aims! — I say it is a good distance.
Sir LUCIUS Is it for muskets or small field-pieces? Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, you must leave those things to me. — Stay now — I’ll show you. — [Measures paces along the stage.] There now, that is a very pretty distance — a pretty gentleman’s distance.
ACRES Zounds! we might as well fight in a sentry-box! I tell you, Sir Lucius, the farther he is off, the cooler I shall take my aim.
Sir LUCIUS Faith! then I suppose you would aim at him best of all if he was out of sight!
ACRES
No, Sir Lucius; but I should think forty or eight-and-thirty yards ——
Sir LUCIUS Pho! pho! nonsense! three or four feet between the mouths of your pistols is as good as a mile.
ACRES Odds bullets, no! — by my valour! there is no merit in killing him so near; do, my dear Sir Lucius, let me bring him down at a long shot: — a long shot, Sir Lucius, if you love me!
Sir LUCIUS
Well, the gentleman’s friend and I must settle that. — But tell me now,
Mr. Acres, in case of an accident, is there any little will or
commission I could execute for you?
ACRES
I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius — but I don’t understand ——
Sir LUCIUS Why, you may think there’s no being shot at without a little risk — and if an unlucky bullet should carry a quietus with it — I say it will be no time then to be bothering you about family matters.
ACRES
A quietus!
Sir LUCIUS For instance, now — if that should be the case — would you choose to be pickled and sent home? — or would it be the same to you to lie here in the Abbey? I’m told there is very snug lying in the Abbey.
ACRES Pickled! — Snug lying in the Abbey! — Odds tremors! Sir Lucius, don’t talk so!
Sir LUCIUS I suppose, Mr. Acres, you never were engaged in an affair of this kind before?
ACRES
No, Sir Lucius, never before.
Sir LUCIUS Ah! that’s a pity! — there’s nothing like being used to a thing. — Pray now, how would you receive the gentleman’s shot?
ACRES Odds files! — I’ve practised that — there, Sir Lucius — there. [Puts himself in an attitude.] A side-front, hey? Odd! I’ll make myself small enough: I’ll stand edgeways.
Sir LUCIUS
Now — you’re quite out — for if you stand so when I take my aim ——
[Levelling at him.]
ACRES
Zounds! Sir Lucius — are you sure it is not cocked?
Sir LUCIUS
Never fear.
ACRES
But — but — you don’t know — it may go off of its own head!
Sir LUCIUS Pho! be easy. — Well, now if I hit you in the body, my bullet has a double chance — for if it misses a vital part of your right side, ‘twill be very hard if it don’t succeed on the left!
ACRES
A vital part!
Sir LUCIUS But, there — fix yourself so — [Placing him] — let him see the broad-side of your full front — there — now a ball or two may pass clean through your body, and never do any harm at all.
ACRES
Clean through me! — a ball or two clean through me!
Sir LUCIUS
Ay — may they — and it is much the genteelest attitude into the bargain.
ACRES Look’ee! Sir Lucius — I’d just as lieve be shot in an awkward posture as a genteel one; so, by my valour! I will stand edgeways.
Sir LUCIUS [Looking at his watch.] Sure they don’t mean to disappoint us — Hah! — no, faith — I think I see them coming.
ACRES
Hey! — what! — coming! ——
Sir LUCIUS
Ay. — Who are those yonder getting over the stile?
ACRES
There are two of them indeed! — well — let them come — hey, Sir
Lucius! — we — we — we — we — won’t run.
Sir LUCIUS
Run!
ACRES
No — I say — we won’t run, by my valour!
Sir LUCIUS
What the devil’s the matter with you?
ACRES Nothing — nothing — my dear friend — my dear Sir Lucius — but I — I — I don’t feel quite so bold, somehow, as I did.
Sir LUCIUS
O fy! — consider your honour.
ACRES Ay — true — my honour. Do, Sir Lucius, edge in a word or two every now and then about my honour.
Sir LUCIUS
[Looking.] Well, here they’re coming.
ACRES Sir Lucius — if I wa’n’t with you, I should almost think I was afraid. — If my valour should leave me! — Valour will come and go.
Sir LUCIUS
Then pray keep it fast, while you have it.
ACRES Sir Lucius — I doubt it is going — yes — my valour is certainly going! — it is sneaking off! — I feel it oozing out as it were at the palms of my hands!
Sir LUCIUS
Your honour — your honour. — Here they are.
ACRES O mercy! — now — that I was safe at Clod-Hall! or could be shot before I was aware!
[Enter FAULKLAND and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]
Sir LUCIUS Gentlemen, your most obedient. — Hah! — what, Captain Absolute! — So, I suppose, sir, you are come here, just like myself — to do a kind office, first for your friend — then to proceed to business on your own account.
ACRES
What, Jack! — my dear Jack! — my dear friend!
ABSOLUTE
Hark’ee, Bob, Beverley’s at hand.
Sir LUCIUS Well, Mr. Acres — I don’t blame your saluting the gentleman civilly. — [To FAULKLAND.] So, Mr. Beverley, if you’ll choose your weapons, the captain and I will measure the ground.
FAULKLAND
My weapons, sir!
ACRES Odds life! Sir Lucius, I’m not going to fight Mr. Faulkland; these are my particular friends.
Sir LUCIUS
What, sir, did you not come here to fight Mr. Acres?
FAULKLAND
Not I, upon my word, sir.
Sir LUCIUS Well, now, that’s mighty provoking! But I hope, Mr. Faulkland, as there are three of us come on purpose for the game, you won’t be so cantanckerous as to spoil the party by sitting out.
ABSOLUTE
O pray, Faulkland, fight to oblige Sir Lucius.
FAULKLAND
Nay, if Mr. Acres is so bent on the matter ——
ACRES
No, no, Mr. Faulkland; — I’ll bear my disappointment like a
Christian. — Look’ee, Sir Lucius, there’s no occasion at all for me to
fight; and if it is the same to you, I’d as lieve let it alone.
Sir LUCIUS Observe me, Mr. Acres — I must not be trifled with. You have certainly challenged somebody — and you came here to fight him. Now, if that gentleman is willing to represent him — I can’t see, for my soul, why it isn’t just the same thing.
ACRES Why no — Sir Lucius — I tell you, ’tis one Beverley I’ve challenged — a fellow, you see, that dare not show his face! — if he were here, I’d make him give up his pretensions directly!
ABSOLUTE Hold, Bob — let me set you right — there is no such man as Beverley in the case. — The person who assumed that name is before you; and as his pretensions are the same in both characters, he is ready to support them in whatever way you please.
Sir LUCIUS
Well, this is lucky. — Now you have an opportunity ——
ACRES
What, quarrel with my dear friend Jack Absolute? — not if he were fifty
Beverleys! Zounds! Sir Lucius, you would not have me so unnatural.
Sir LUCIUS Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, your valour has oozed away with a vengeance!
ACRES Not in the least! Odds backs and abettors! I’ll be your second with all my heart — and if you should get a quietus, you may command me entirely. I’ll get you snug lying in the Abbey here; or pickle you, and send you over to Blunderbuss-hall, or anything of the kind, with the greatest pleasure.
Sir LUCIUS
Pho! pho! you are little better than a coward.
ACRES Mind, gentlemen, he calls me a coward; coward was the word, by my valour!
Sir LUCIUS
Well, sir?
ACRES Look’ee, Sir Lucius, ’tisn’t that I mind the word coward — coward may be said in joke — But if you had called me a poltroon, odds daggers and balls ——
Sir LUCIUS
Well, sir?
ACRES
I should have thought you a very ill-bred man.
Sir LUCIUS
Pho! you are beneath my notice.
ABSOLUTE
Nay, Sir Lucius, you can’t have a better second than my friend
Acres — He is a most determined dog — called in the country, Fighting
Bob. — He generally kills a man a week — don’t you Bob?
ACRES
Ay — at home!
Sir LUCIUS Well, then, captain, ’tis we must begin — so come out, my little counsellor — [Draws his sword] — and ask the gentleman, whether he will resign the lady, without forcing you to proceed against him?
ABSOLUTE Come on then, sir — [Draws]; since you won’t let it be an amicable suit, here’s my reply.
[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE, DAVID, Mrs. MALAPROP, LYDIA, and JULIA.]
DAVID Knock ’em all down, sweet Sir Anthony; knock down my master in particular; and bind his hands over to their good behaviour!
Sir ANTHONY Put up, Jack, put up, or I shall be in a frenzy — how came you in a duel, sir?
ABSOLUTE Faith, sir, that gentleman can tell you better than I; ’twas he called on me, and you know, sir, I serve his majesty.
Sir ANTHONY Here’s a pretty fellow; I catch him going to cut a man’s throat, and he tells me, he serves his majesty! — Zounds! sirrah, then how durst you draw the king’s sword against one of his subjects?
ABSOLUTE Sir! I tell you, that gentleman called me out, without explaining his reasons.
Sir ANTHONY Gad! sir, how came you to call my son out, without explaining your reasons!
Sir LUCIUS
Your son, sir, insulted me in a manner which my honour could not brook.
Sir ANTHONY Zounds! Jack, how durst you insult the gentleman in a manner which his honour could not brook?
Mrs. MALAPROP Come, come, let’s have no honour before ladies — Captain Absolute, come here — How could you intimidate us so? — Here’s Lydia has been terrified to death for you.
ABSOLUTE
For fear I should be killed, or escape, ma’am?
Mrs. MALAPROP
Nay, no delusions to the past — Lydia is convinced; speak, child.
Sir LUCIUS With your leave, ma’am, I must put in a word here: I believe I could interpret the young lady’s silence. Now mark ——
LYDIA
What is it you mean, sir?
Sir LUCIUS Come, come, Delia, we must be serious now — this is no time for trifling.
LYDIA ’Tis true, sir; and your reproof bids me offer this gentleman my hand, and solicit the return of his affections.
ABSOLUTE O! my little angel, say you so? — Sir Lucius — I perceive there must be some mistake here, with regard to the affront which you affirm I have given you. I can only say, that it could not have been intentional. And as you must be convinced, that I should not fear to support a real injury — you shall now see that I am not ashamed to atone for an inadvertency — I ask your pardon. — But for this lady, while honoured with her approbation, I will support my claim against any man whatever.
Sir ANTHONY
Well said, Jack, and I’ll stand by you, my boy.
ACRES Mind, I give up all my claim — I make no pretensions to any thing in the world; and if I can’t get a wife without fighting for her, by my valour! I’ll live a bachelor.
Sir LUCIUS Captain, give me your hand: an affront handsomely acknowledged becomes an obligation; and as for the lady, if she chooses to deny her own hand-writing, here —— [Takes out letters.]
Mrs. MALAPROP O, he will dissolve my mystery! — Sir Lucius, perhaps there’s some mistake — perhaps I can illuminate ——
Sir LUCIUS Pray, old gentlewoman, don’t interfere where you have no business. — Miss Languish, are you my Delia, or not?
LYDIA
Indeed, Sir Lucius, I am not. [Walks aside with CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]
Mrs. MALAPROP Sir Lucius O’Trigger — ungrateful as you are — I own the soft impeachment — pardon my blushes, I am Delia.
Sir LUCIUS
You Delia — pho! pho! be easy.
Mrs. MALAPROP Why, thou barbarous Vandyke — those letters are mine — When you are more sensible of my benignity — perhaps I may be brought to encourage your addresses.
Sir LUCIUS Mrs. Malaprop, I am extremely sensible of your condescension; and whether you or Lucy have put this trick on me, I am equally beholden to you. — And, to show you I am not ungrateful, Captain Absolute, since you have taken that lady from me, I’ll give you my Delia into the bargain.
ABSOLUTE
I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius; but here’s my friend, Fighting
Bob, unprovided for.
Sir LUCIUS
Hah! little Valour — here, will you make your fortune?
ACRES
Odds wrinkles! No. — But give me your hand, Sir Lucius, forget and
forgive; but if ever I give you a chance of pickling me again, say Bob
Acres is a dunce, that’s all.
Sir ANTHONY
Come, Mrs. Malaprop, don’t be cast down — you are in your bloom yet.
Mrs. MALAPROP
O Sir Anthony — men are all barbarians.
[All retire but JULIA and FAULKLAND.]
JULIA [Aside.] He seems dejected and unhappy — not sullen; there was some foundation, however, for the tale he told me — O woman! how true should be your judgment, when your resolution is so weak!
FAULKLAND Julia! — how can I sue for what I so little deserve? I dare not presume — yet Hope is the child of Penitence.
JULIA Oh! Faulkland, you have not been more faulty in your unkind treatment of me, than I am now in wanting inclination to resent it. As my heart honestly bids me place my weakness to the account of love, I should be ungenerous not to admit the same plea for yours.
FAULKLAND
Now I shall be blest indeed!
Sir ANTHONY [Coming forward.] What’s going on here? — So you have been quarrelling too, I warrant! Come, Julia, I never interfered before; but let me have a hand in the matter at last. — All the faults I have ever seen in my friend Faulkland seemed to proceed from what he calls the delicacy and warmth of his affection for you — There, marry him directly, Julia; you’ll find he’ll mend surprisingly!
[The rest come forward.]
Sir LUCIUS Come, now, I hope there is no dissatisfied person, but what is content; for as I have been disappointed myself, it will be very hard if I have not the satisfaction of seeing other people succeed better.
ACRES You are right, Sir Lucius. — So Jack, I wish you joy — Mr. Faulkland the same. — Ladies, — come now, to show you I’m neither vexed nor angry, odds tabors and pipes! I’ll order the fiddles in half an hour to the New Rooms — and I insist on your all meeting me there.
Sir ANTHONY ‘Gad! sir, I like your spirit; and at night we single lads will drink a health to the young couples, and a husband to Mrs. Malaprop.
FAULKLAND Our partners are stolen from us, Jack — I hope to be congratulated by each other — yours for having checked in time the errors of an ill-directed imagination, which might have betrayed an innocent heart; and mine, for having, by her gentleness and candour, reformed the unhappy temper of one, w
ho by it made wretched whom he loved most, and tortured the heart he ought to have adored.
ABSOLUTE Well, Jack, we have both tasted the bitters, as well as the sweets of love; with this difference only, that you always prepared the bitter cup for yourself, while I ——
LYDIA Was always obliged to me for it, hey! Mr. Modesty? — But come, no more of that — our happiness is now as unalloyed as general.
JULIA Then let us study to preserve it so: and while Hope pictures to us a flattering scene of future bliss, let us deny its pencil those colours which are too bright to be lasting. — When hearts deserving happiness would unite their fortunes, Virtue would crown them with an unfading garland of modest hurtless flowers; but ill-judging Passion will force the gaudier rose into the wreath, whose thorn offends them when its leaves are dropped!
[Exeunt omnes.]
* * *
EPILOGUE
By the Author
Spoken by MRS. BULKLEY
Ladies, for you — I heard our poet say —
He’d try to coax some moral from his play:
“One moral’s plain,” cried I, “without more fuss;
Man’s social happiness all rests on us:
Through all the drama — whether damn’d or not —
Love gilds the scene, and women guide the plot.
From every rank obedience is our due —
D’ye doubt? — The world’s great stage shall prove it true.”
The cit, well skill’d to shun domestic strife,
Will sup abroad; but first he’ll ask his wife:
John Trot, his friend, for once will do the same,
But then — he’ll just step home to tell his dame.
The surly squire at noon resolves to rule,
And half the day — Zounds! madam is a fool!
Convinced at night, the vanquish’d victor says,
Ah, Kate! you women have such coaxing ways.
The jolly toper chides each tardy blade,
Till reeling Bacchus calls on Love for aid:
Then with each toast he sees fair bumpers swim,
And kisses Chloe on the sparkling brim!
Nay, I have heard that statesmen — great and wise —
Will sometimes counsel with a lady’s eyes!
The servile suitors watch her various face,
She smiles preferment, or she frowns disgrace,
Curtsies a pension here — there nods a place.
Nor with less awe, in scenes of humbler life,
Is view’d the mistress, or is heard the wife.
Delphi Complete Works of Richard Brinsley Sheridan Page 10