Ser. Doctor Rosy, sir
Just. Show him up. [Exit SERVANT.]
Lau. Then you own, mamma, it was a marching regiment?
Mrs. Bri. You’re an obstinate fool, I tell you; for if that had been the case ——
Just. You won’t go?
Mrs. Bri. We are going, Mr. Surly. — If that had been the case, I say, how could ——
Lau. Nay, mamma, one proof ——
Mrs. Bri. How could Major ——
Lau. And a full proof ——
[JUSTICE CREDULOUS drives them off.]
Just. There they go, ding dong in for the day. Good lack! a fluent tongue is the only thing a mother don’t like her daughter to resemble her in.
Enter DOCTOR ROSY.
Well, doctor, where’s the lad — where’s Trusty?
Rosy. At hand; he’ll be here in a minute, I’ll answer for’t. He’s such a one as you an’t met with, — brave as a lion, gentle as a saline draught.
Just. Ah, he comes in the place of a rogue, a dog that was corrupted by the lieutenant. But this is a sturdy fellow, is he, doctor?
Rosy. As Hercules; and the best back-sword in the country. Egad, he’ll make the red coats keep their distance.
Just. O the villains; this is St. Patrick’s day, and the rascals have been parading my house all the morning. I know they have a design upon me; but I have taken all precautions: I have magazines of arms, and if this fellow does but prove faithful, I shall be more at ease.
Rosy. Doubtless he’ll be a comfort to you.
Re-enter SERVANT.
Ser. There is a man below, inquires for Doctor Rosy.
Rosy. Show him up.
Just. Hold! a little caution — how does he look?
Ser. A country-looking fellow, your worship.
Just. Oh, well, well, for Doctor Rosy; these rascals try all ways to get in here.
Ser. Yes, please your worship; there was one here this morning wanted to speak to you; he said his name was Corporal Breakbones.
Just. Corporal Breakbones!
Ser. And Drummer Crackskull came again.
Just. Ay, did you ever hear of such a damned confounded crew? Well, show the lad in here! [Exit SERVANT.]
Rosy. Ay, he’ll be your porter; he’ll give the rogues an answer.
Enter LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR, disguised.
Just. So, a tall — Efacks! what! has lost an eye?
Rosy. Only a bruise he got in taking seven or eight highwaymen.
Just. He has a damned wicked leer somehow with the other.
Rosy. Oh, no, he’s bashful — a sheepish look ——
Just. Well, my lad, what’s your name?
O’Con. Humphrey Hum.
Just. Hum — I don’t like Hum!
O’Con. But I be mostly called honest Humphrey ——
Rosy. There, I told you so, of noted honesty.
Just. Well, honest Humphrey, the doctor has told you my terms, and you are willing to serve, hey?
O’Con. And please your worship I shall be well content.
Just. Well, then, hark’ye, honest Humphrey, — you are sure now, you will never be a rogue — never take a bribe hey, honest Humphrey?
O’Con. A bribe! what’s that?
Just. A very ignorant fellow indeed!
Rosy. His worship hopes you will not part with your honesty for money.
O’Con. Noa, noa.
Just. Well said, Humphrey — my chief business with you is to watch the motions of a rake-helly fellow here, one Lieutenant O’Connor.
Rosy. Ay, you don’t value the soldiers, do you, Humphrey?
O’Con. Not I; they are but zwaggerers, and you’ll see they’ll be as much afraid of me as they would of their captain.
Just. And i’faith, Humphrey, you have a pretty cudgel there!
O’Con. Ay, the zwitch is better than nothing, but I should be glad of a stouter: ha’ you got such a thing in the house as an old coach-pole, or a spare bed-post?
Just. Oons, what a dragon it is! — Well, Humphrey, come with me. — I’ll just show him to Bridget, doctor, and we’ll agree. — Come along, honest Humphrey. [Exit.]
O’Con. My dear doctor, now remember to bring the justice presently to the walk: I have a scheme to get into his confidence at once.
Rosy. I will, I will. [They shake hands.]
Re-enter JUSTICE CREDULOUS.
Just. Why, honest Humphrey, hey! what the devil are you at?
Rosy. I was just giving him a little advice. — Well I must go for the present. — Good-morning to your worship — you need not fear the lieutenant while he is in your house.
Just. Well, get in, Humphrey. Good-morning to you, doctor. — [Exit DOCTOR ROSY.] Come along, Humphrey. — Now I think I am a match for the lieutenant and all his gang. [Exeunt.]
ACT II.
SCENE I.
A Street.
Enter SERJEANT TROUNCE, DRUMMER and SOLDIERS.
Trounce. Come, silence your drum — there is no valour stirring to-day. I thought St. Patrick would have given us a recruit or two to- day.
Sol. Mark, serjeant!
Enter two COUNTRYMEN.
Trounce. Oh! these are the lads I was looking for; they have the look of gentlemen. — An’t you single, my lads?
1 Coun. Yes, an please you, I be quite single: my relations be all dead, thank heavens, more or less. I have but one poor mother left in the world, and she’s an helpless woman.
Trounce. Indeed! a very extraordinary case — quite your own master then — the fitter to serve his Majesty. — Can you read?
1 Coun. Noa, I was always too lively to take to learning; but John here is main clever at it.
Trounce. So, what you’re a scholar, friend?
2 Coun. I was born so, measter. Feyther kept grammar-school.
Trounce. Lucky man — in a campaign or two put yourself down chaplain to the regiment. And I warrant you have read of warriors and heroes?
2 Coun. Yes, that I have: I have read of Jack the Giant Killer, and the Dragon of Wantly, and the — Noa, I believe that’s all in the hero way, except once about a comet.
Trounce. Wonderful knowledge! — Well, my heroes, I’ll write word to the king of your good intentions, and meet me half an hour hence at the Two Magpies.
Coun. We will, your honour, we will.
Trounce. But stay; for fear I shouldn’t see you again in the crowd, clap these little bits of ribbon into your hats.
1 Coun. Our hats are none of the best.
Trounce. Well, meet me at the Magpies, and I’ll give you money to buy new ones.
Coun. Bless your honour, thank your honour. [Exeunt.]
Trounce. [Winking at SOLDIERS.] Jack! [Exeunt SOLDIERS.]
Enter LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.
So, here comes one would make a grenadier — Stop, friend, will you list?
O’Con. Who shall I serve under?
Trounce. Under me, to be sure.
O’Con. Isn’t Lieutenant O’Connor your officer?
Trounce. He is, and I am commander over him.
O’Con. What! be your serjeants greater than your captains?
Trounce. To be sure we are; ’tis our business to keep them in order. For instance, now, the general writes to me, dear Serjeant, or dear Trounce, or dear Serjeant Trounce, according to his hurry, if your lieutenant does not demean himself accordingly, let me know. — Yours, General Deluge.
O’Con. And do you complain of him often?
Trounce. No, hang him, the lad is good-natured at the bottom, so I pass over small things. But hark’ee, between ourselves, he is most confoundedly given to wenching.
Enter CORPORAL FLINT.
Flint. Please your honour, the doctor is coming this way with his worship — We are all ready, and have our cues. [Exit.]
O’Con. Then, my dear Trounce, or my dear Sergeant, or my dear Serjeant Trounce, take yourself away.
Trounce. Zounds! the lieutenant — I smell of the black hole already. [Exit.]
Enter JUSTICE CREDULOUS and DOCTOR ROSY.
Just. I thought I saw some of the cut-throats.
Rosy. I fancy not; there’s no one but honest Humphrey. Ha! Odds life, here comes some of them — we’ll stay by these trees, and let them pass.
Just. Oh, the bloody-looking dogs!
[Walks aside with DOCTOR ROSY.] Re-enter CORPORAL FLINT and two SOLDIERS.
Flint. Halloa, friend! do you serve Justice Credulous?
O’Con. I do.
Flint. Are you rich?
O’Con. Noa.
Flint. Nor ever will be with that old stingy booby. Look here — take it. [Gives him a purse.]
O’Con. What must I do for this?
Flint. Mark me, our lieutenant is in love with the old rogue’s daughter: help us to break his worship’s bones, and carry off the girl, and you are a made man.
O’Con. I’ll see you hanged first, you pack of skurry villains! [Throws away the purse.]
Flint. What, sirrah, do you mutiny? Lay hold of him.
O’Con. Nay, then, I’ll try your armour for you. [Beats them.]
All. Oh! oh! — quarter! quarter!
[Exeunt CORPORAL FLINT and SOLDIERS.]
Just. [Coming forward.] Trim them, trounce them, break their bones, honest Humphrey — What a spirit he has!
Rosy. Aquafortis. O’Con. Betray your master!
Rosy. What a miracle of fidelity!
Just. Ay, and it shall not go unrewarded — I’ll give him sixpence on the spot. Here, honest Humphrey, there’s for yourself: as for this bribe, [takes up the purse,] such trash is best in the hands of justice. Now, then, doctor, I think I may trust him to guard the women: while he is with them I may go out with safety.
Rosy. Doubtless you may — I’ll answer for the lieutenant’s behaviour whilst honest Humphrey is with your daughter.
Just. Ay, ay, she shall go nowhere without him. Come along, honest Humphrey. How rare it is to meet with such a servant! [Exeunt.]
SCENE II.
A Garden.
LAURETTA discovered. Enter JUSTICE CREDULOUS and
LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.
Just. Why, you little truant, how durst you wander so far from the house without my leave? Do you want to invite that scoundrel lieutenant to scale the walls and carry you off?
Lau. Lud, papa, you are so apprehensive for nothing.
Just. Why, hussy ——
Lau. Well, then, I can’t bear to be shut up all day so like a nun. I am sure it is enough to make one wish to be run away with — and I wish I was run away with — I do — and I wish the lieutenant knew it.
Just. You do, do you, hussy? Well, I think I’ll take pretty good care of you. Here, Humphrey, I leave this lady in your care. Now you may walk about the garden, Miss Pert; but Humphrey shall go with you wherever you go. So mind, honest Humphrey, I am obliged to go abroad for a little while; let no one but yourself come near her; don’t be shame-faced, you booby, but keep close to her. And now, miss, let your lieutenant or any of his crew come near you if they can. [Exit.]
Lau. How this booby stares after him! [Sits down and sings.]
O’Con. Lauretta!
Lau. Not so free, fellow! [Sings.]
O’Con. Lauretta! look on me.
Lau. Not so free, fellow!
O’Con. No recollection!
Lau. Honest Humphrey, be quiet.
O’Con. Have you forgot your faithful soldier?
Lau. Ah! Oh preserve me!
O’Con. ’Tis, my soul! your truest slave, passing on your father in this disguise.
Lau. Well now, I declare this is charming — you are so disguised, my dear lieutenant, and you look so delightfully ugly. I am sure no one will find you out, ha! ha! ha! — You know I am under your protection; papa charged you to keep close to me.
O’Con. True, my angel, and thus let me fulfil ——
Lau. O pray now, dear Humphrey ——
O’Con. Nay, ’tis but what old Mittimus commanded. [Offers to kiss her.]
Re-enter JUSTICE CREDULOUS.
Just. Laury, my — hey! what the devil’s here?
Lau. Well now, one kiss, and be quiet.
Just. Your very humble servant, honest Humphrey! Don’t let me — pray don’t let me interrupt you!
Lau. Lud, papa! Now that’s so good-natured — indeed there’s no harm. You did not mean any rudeness, did you, Humphrey?
O’Con. No, indeed, miss; his worship knows it is not in me.
Just. I know that you are a lying, canting, hypocritical scoundrel; and if you don’t take yourself out of my sight ——
Lau. Indeed, papa, now I’ll tell you how it was. I was sometime taken with a sudden giddiness, and Humphrey seeing me beginning to totter, ran to my assistance, quite frightened, poor fellow, and took me in his arms.
Just. Oh! was that all — nothing but a little giddiness, hey!
O’Con. That’s all, indeed, your worship; for seeing miss change colour, I ran up instantly.
Just. Oh, ’twas very kind in you!
O’Con. And luckily recovered her.
Just. And who made you a doctor, you impudent rascal, hey? Get out of my sight, I say, this instant, or by all the statutes —
Lau. Oh now, papa, you frighten me, and I am giddy again! — Oh, help!
O’Con. O dear lady, she’ll fall! [Takes her into his arms.]
Just. Zounds! what before my face — why then, thou miracle of impudence! — [Lays hold of him and discovers him.] — Mercy on me, who have we here? — Murder! Robbery! Fire! Rape! Gunpowder! Soldiers! John! Susan! Bridget!
O’Con. Good sir, don’t be alarmed; I mean you no harm.
Just. Thieves! Robbers! Soldiers!
O’Con. You know my love for your daughter —
Just. Fire! Cut-throats!
O’Con. And that alone —
Just. Treason! Gunpowder!
Enter a SERVANT with a blunderbuss.
Now, scoundrel! let her go this instant.
Lau. O papa, you’ll kill me!
Just. Honest Humphrey, be advised. Ay, miss, this way, if you please.
O’Con. Nay, sir, but hear me ——
Just. I’ll shoot.
O’Con. And you’ll be convinced ——
Just. I’ll shoot.
O’Con. How injurious ——
Just. I’ll shoot — and so your very humble servant, honest Humphrey Hum. [Exeunt separately.]
SCENE III.
A Walk.
Enter DOCTOR ROSY.
Rosy. Well, I think my friend is now in a fair way of succeeding. Ah! I warrant he is full of hope and fear, doubt and anxiety; truly he has the fever of love strong upon him: faint, peevish, languishing all day, with burning, restless nights. Ah! just my case when I pined for my poor dear Dolly! when she used to have her daily colics, and her little doctor be sent for. Then would I interpret the language of her pulse — declare my own sufferings in my receipt for her — send her a pearl necklace in a pill-box, or a cordial draught with an acrostic on the label. Well, those days are over: no happiness lasting: all is vanity — now sunshine, now cloudy — we are, as it were, king and beggar — then what avails ——
Enter LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.
O’Con. O doctor! ruined and undone.
Rosy. The pride of beauty ——
O’Con. I am discovered, and ——
Rosy. The gaudy palace ——
O’Con. The justice is ——
Rosy. The pompous wig ——
O’Con. Is more enraged than ever.
Rosy. The gilded cane ——
O’Con. Why, doctor! [Slapping him on the shoulder.]
Rosy. Hey!
O’Con. Confound your morals! I tell you I am discovered, discomfited, disappointed.
Rosy. Indeed! Good lack, good lack, to think of the instability of human affairs! Nothing certain in this world — most deceived when most confident — fools of fortune all.
O’Con. My dear doctor, I want at present a
little practical wisdom. I am resolved this instant to try the scheme we were going to put into execution last week. I have the letter ready, and only want your assistance to recover my ground.
Rosy. With all my heart — I’ll warrant you I’ll bear a part in it: but how the deuce were you discovered?
O’Con. I’ll tell you as we go; there’s not a moment to be lost.
Rosy. Heaven send we succeed better! — but there’s no knowing.
O’Con. Very true.
Rosy. We may and we may not.
O’Con. Right.
Rosy. Time must show.
O’Con. Certainly.
Rosy. We are but blind guessers.
O’Con. Nothing more.
Rosy. Thick-sighted mortals.
O’Con. Remarkably.
Rosy. Wandering in error.
O’Con. Even so.
Rosy. Futurity is dark.
O’Con. As a cellar.
Rosy. Men are moles.
[Exeunt LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR forcing out ROSY.]
SCENE IV.
A Room in JUSTICE CREDULOUS’ House.
Enter JUSTICE CREDULOUS and MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.
Just. Odds life, Bridget, you are enough to make one mad! I tell you he would have deceived a chief justice; the dog seemed as ignorant as my clerk, and talked of honesty as if he had been a churchwarden.
Mrs. Bri. Pho! nonsense, honesty! — what had you to do, pray, with honesty? A fine business you have made of it with your Humphrey Hum: and miss, too, she must have been privy to it. Lauretta! ay, you would have her called so; but for my part I never knew any good come of giving girls these heathen Christian names: if you had called her Deborrah, or Tabitha, or Ruth, or Rebecca, or Joan, nothing of this had ever happened; but I always knew Lauretta was a runaway name.
Just. Psha, you’re a fool!
Mrs. Bri. No, Mr. Credulous, it is you who are a fool, and no one but such a simpleton would be so imposed on.
Just. Why zounds, madam, how durst you talk so? If you have no respect for your husband, I should think unus quorum might command a little deference.
Mrs. Bri. Don’t tell me! — Unus fiddlestick! you ought to be ashamed to show your face at the sessions: you’ll be a laughing-stock to the whole bench, and a byword with all the pig-tailed lawyers and bag-wigged attorneys about town.
Just. Is this language for his majesty’s representative? By the statutes, it’s high treason and petty treason, both at once!
Delphi Complete Works of Richard Brinsley Sheridan Page 12