CHARLES. Pshaw! He is too moral by half — and so apprehensive of his good Name, as he calls it, that I suppose He would as soon let a Priest in his House as a Girl —
SIR PETER. No — no — come come, — you wrong him. No, no, Joseph is no Rake but he is no such Saint in that respect either. I have a great mind to tell him — we should have such a Laugh!
CHARLES. Oh, hang him? He’s a very Anchorite — a young Hermit!
SIR PETER. Harkee — you must not abuse him, he may chance to hear of it again I promise you.
CHARLES. Why you won’t tell him?
SIR PETER. No — but — this way. Egad, I’ll tell him — Harkee, have you a mind to have a good laugh against Joseph?
CHARLES. I should like it of all things —
SIR PETER. Then, E’faith, we will — I’ll be quit with him for discovering me. — He had a girl with him when I called. [Whispers.]
CHARLES. What[!] Joseph[!] you jest —
SIR PETER. Hush! — a little French Milliner — and the best of the jest is — she’s in the room now.
CHARLES. The devil she is —
SIR PETER. Hush! I tell you. [Points.]
CHARLES. Behind the screen! Odds Life, let’s unveil her!
SIR PETER. No — no! He’s coming — you shan’t indeed!
CHARLES. Oh, egad, we’ll have a peep at the little milliner!
SIR PETER. Not for the world — Joseph will never forgive me.
CHARLES. I’ll stand by you ——
SIR PETER. Odds Life! Here He’s coming —
[SURFACE enters just as CHARLES throws down the Screen.]
Re-enter JOSEPH SURFACE
CHARLES. Lady Teazle! by all that’s wonderful!
SIR PETER. Lady Teazle! by all that’s Horrible!
CHARLES. Sir Peter — This is one of the smartest French Milliners I ever saw! — Egad, you seem all to have been diverting yourselves here at Hide and Seek — and I don’t see who is out of the Secret! — Shall I beg your Ladyship to inform me! — Not a word! — Brother! — will you please to explain this matter? What! is Honesty Dumb too? — Sir Peter, though I found you in the Dark — perhaps you are not so now — all mute! Well tho’ I can make nothing of the Affair, I make no doubt but you perfectly understand one another — so I’ll leave you to yourselves. — [Going.] Brother I’m sorry to find you have given that worthy man grounds for so much uneasiness! — Sir Peter — there’s nothing in the world so noble as a man of Sentiment! —
[Stand for some time looking at one another. Exit CHARLES.]
SURFACE. Sir Peter — notwithstanding I confess that appearances are against me. If you will afford me your Patience I make no doubt but I shall explain everything to your satisfaction. —
SIR PETER. If you please — Sir —
SURFACE. The Fact is Sir — that Lady Teazle knowing my Pretensions to your ward Maria — I say Sir Lady Teazle — being apprehensive of the Jealousy of your Temper — and knowing my Friendship to the Family. S he Sir — I say call’d here — in order that I might explain those Pretensions — but on your coming being apprehensive — as I said of your Jealousy — she withdrew — and this, you may depend on’t is the whole truth of the Matter.
SIR PETER. A very clear account upon the [my] word and I dare swear the Lady will vouch for every article of it.
LADY TEAZLE. For not one word of it Sir Peter —
SIR PETER. How[!] don’t you think it worthwhile to agree in the lie.
LADY TEAZLE. There is not one Syllable of Truth in what that Gentleman has told you.
SIR PETER. I believe you upon my soul Ma’am —
SURFACE. ‘Sdeath, madam, will you betray me! [Aside.]
LADY TEAZLE. Good Mr. Hypocrite by your leave I will speak for myself —
SIR PETER. Aye let her alone Sir — you’ll find she’ll make out a better story than you without Prompting.
LADY TEAZLE. Hear me Sir Peter — I came hither on no matter relating to your ward and even ignorant of this Gentleman’s pretensions to her — but I came — seduced by his insidious arguments — and pretended Passion[ — ]at least to listen to his dishonourable Love if not to sacrifice your Honour to his Baseness.
SIR PETER. Now, I believe, the Truth is coming indeed[.]
SURFACE. The Woman’s mad —
LADY TEAZLE. No Sir — she has recovered her Senses. Your own Arts have furnished her with the means. Sir Peter — I do not expect you to credit me — but the Tenderness you express’d for me, when I am sure you could not think I was a witness to it, has penetrated so to my Heart that had I left the Place without the Shame of this discovery — my future life should have spoken the sincerity of my Gratitude — as for that smooth-tongued Hypocrite — who would have seduced the wife of his too credulous Friend while he pretended honourable addresses to his ward — I behold him now in a light so truly despicable that I shall never again Respect myself for having Listened to him.
[Exit.]
SURFACE. Notwithstanding all this Sir Peter — Heaven knows ——
SIR PETER. That you are a Villain! — and so I leave you to your conscience —
SURFACE. You are too Rash Sir Peter — you SHALL hear me — The man who shuts out conviction by refusing to ——
[Exeunt, SURFACE following and speaking.]
END OF THE FOURTH
ACT V
SCENE I.
The Library
Enter SURFACE and SERVANT
SURFACE. Mr. Stanley! and why should you think I would see him? — you must know he came to ask something!
SERVANT. Sir — I shouldn’t have let him in but that Mr. Rowley came to the Door with him.
SURFACE. Pshaw! — Blockhead to suppose that I should now be in a Temper to receive visits from poor Relations! — well why don’t you show the Fellow up?
SERVANT. I will — Sir — Why, Sir — it was not my Fault that Sir Peter discover’d my Lady ——
SURFACE. Go, fool! —
[Exit SERVANT.]
Sure Fortune never play’d a man of my policy such a Trick before — my character with Sir Peter! — my Hopes with Maria! — destroy’d in a moment! — I’m in a rare Humour to listen to other People’s Distresses! — I shan’t be able to bestow even a benevolent sentiment on Stanley — So! here — He comes and Rowley with him — I MUST try to recover myself, and put a little Charity into my Face however. ——
[Exit.]
Enter SIR OLIVER and ROWLEY
SIR OLIVER. What! does He avoid us? that was He — was it not?
ROWLEY. It was Sir — but I doubt you are come a little too abruptly — his Nerves are so weak that the sight of a poor Relation may be too much for him — I should have gone first to break you to him.
SIR OLIVER. A Plague of his Nerves — yet this is He whom Sir Peter extolls as a Man of the most Benevolent way of thinking! —
ROWLEY. As to his way of thinking — I can’t pretend to decide[,] for, to do him justice He appears to have as much speculative Benevolence as any private Gentleman in the Kingdom — though he is seldom so sensual as to indulge himself in the exercise of it ——
SIR OLIVER. Yet [he] has a string of charitable Sentiments I suppose at his Fingers’ ends! —
ROWLEY. Or, rather at his Tongue’s end Sir Oliver; for I believe there is no sentiment he has more faith in than that ‘Charity begins at Home.’
SIR OLIVER. And his I presume is of that domestic sort which never stirs abroad at all.
ROWLEY. I doubt you’ll find it so — but He’s coming — I mustn’t seem to interrupt you — and you know immediately — as you leave him — I come in to announce — your arrival in your real Character.
SIR OLIVER. True — and afterwards you’ll meet me at Sir Peter’s ——
ROWLEY. Without losing a moment.
[Exit.]
SIR OLIVER. So — I see he has premeditated a Denial by the Complaisance of his Features.
Enter SURFACE
SURFACE. Sir �
� I beg you ten thousand Pardons for keeping — you a moment waiting — Mr. Stanley — I presume ——
SIR OLIVER. At your Service.
SURFACE. Sir — I beg you will do me the honour to sit down — I entreat you Sir.
SIR OLIVER. Dear Sir there’s no occasion — too civil by half!
SURFACE. I have not the Pleasure of knowing you, Mr. Stanley — but I am extremely happy to see you look so well — you were nearly related to my mother — I think Mr. Stanley ——
SIR OLIVER. I was Sir — so nearly that my present Poverty I fear may do discredit to her Wealthy Children — else I should not have presumed to trouble you. —
SURFACE. Dear Sir — there needs no apology — He that is in Distress tho’ a stranger has a right to claim kindred with the wealthy — I am sure I wish I was of that class, and had it in my power to offer you even a small relief.
SIR OLIVER. If your Unkle, Sir Oliver were here — I should have a Friend ——
SURFACE. I wish He was Sir, with all my Heart — you should not want an advocate with him — believe me Sir.
SIR OLIVER. I should not need one — my Distresses would recommend me. — but I imagined — his Bounty had enabled you to become the agent of his Charity.
SURFACE. My dear Sir — you are strangely misinformed — Sir Oliver is a worthy Man, a worthy man — a very worthy sort of Man — but avarice Mr. Stanley is the vice of age — I will tell you my good Sir in confidence: — what he has done for me has been a mere — nothing[;] tho’ People I know have thought otherwise and for my Part I never chose to contradict the Report.
SIR OLIVER. What! — has he never transmitted — you — Bullion — Rupees — Pagodas!
SURFACE. O Dear Sir — Nothing of the kind — no — no — a few Presents now and then — china, shawls, congo Tea, Avadavats — and indian Crackers — little more, believe me.
SIR OLIVER. Here’s Gratitude for twelve thousand pounds! — Avadavats and indian Crackers.
SURFACE. Then my dear — Sir — you have heard, I doubt not, of the extravagance of my Brother — Sir — there are very few would credit what I have done for that unfortunate young man.
SIR OLIVER. Not I for one!
SURFACE. The sums I have lent him! indeed — I have been exceedingly to blame — it was an amiable weakness! however I don’t pretend to defend it — and now I feel it doubly culpable — since it has deprived me of the power of serving YOU Mr. Stanley as my Heart directs ——
SIR OLIVER. Dissembler! Then Sir — you cannot assist me?
SURFACE. At Present it grieves me to say I cannot — but whenever I have the ability, you may depend upon hearing from me.
SIR OLIVER. I am extremely sorry ——
SURFACE. Not more than I am believe me — to pity without the Power to relieve is still more painful than to ask and be denied ——
SIR OLIVER. Kind Sir — your most obedient humble servant.
SURFACE. You leave me deeply affected Mr. Stanley — William — be ready to open the door ——
SIR OLIVER. O, Dear Sir, no ceremony ——
SURFACE. Your very obedient ——
SIR OLIVER. Your most obsequious ——
SURFACE. You may depend on hearing from me whenever I can be of service ——
SIR OLIVER. Sweet Sir — you are too good ——
SURFACE. In the mean time I wish you Health and Spirits ——
SIR OLIVER. Your ever grateful and perpetual humble Servant ——
SURFACE. Sir — yours as sincerely ——
SIR OLIVER. Charles! — you are my Heir.
[Exit.]
SURFACE, solus Soh! — This is one bad effect of a good Character — it invites applications from the unfortunate and there needs no small degree of address to gain the reputation of Benevolence without incurring the expence. — The silver ore of pure Charity is an expensive article in the catalogue of a man’s good Qualities — whereas the sentimental French Plate I use instead of it makes just as good a shew — and pays no tax.
Enter ROWLEY
ROWLEY. Mr. Surface — your Servant: I was apprehensive of interrupting you, tho’ my Business demands immediate attention — as this Note will inform you ——
SURFACE. Always Happy to see Mr. Rowley — how — Oliver — Surface! — My Unkle arrived!
ROWLEY. He is indeed — we have just parted — quite well — after a speedy voyage — and impatient to embrace his worthy Nephew.
SURFACE. I am astonished! — William[!] stop Mr. Stanley, if He’s not gone ——
ROWLEY. O — He’s out of reach — I believe.
SURFACE. Why didn’t you let me know this when you came in together. —
ROWLEY. I thought you had particular — Business — but must be gone to inform your Brother, and appoint him here to meet his Uncle. He will be with you in a quarter of an hour ——
SURFACE. So he says. Well — I am strangely overjoy’d at his coming — never to be sure was anything so damn’d unlucky!
ROWLEY. You will be delighted to see how well He looks.
SURFACE. O — I’m rejoiced to hear it — just at this time ——
ROWLEY. I’ll tell him how impatiently you expect him ——
SURFACE. Do — do — pray — give my best duty and affection — indeed, I cannot express the sensations I feel at the thought of seeing him! — certainly his coming just at this Time is the cruellest piece of ill Fortune ——
[Exeunt.]
SCENE II.
At SIR PETER’S House
Enter MRS. CANDOUR and SERVANT
SERVANT. Indeed Ma’am, my Lady will see nobody at Present.
MRS. CANDOUR. Did you tell her it was her Friend Mrs. Candour ——
SERVANT. Yes Ma’am but she begs you will excuse her ——
MRS. CANDOUR. Do go again — I shall be glad to see her if it be only for a moment — for I am sure she must be in great Distress
[exit MAID]
— Dear Heart — how provoking! — I’m not mistress of half the circumstances! — We shall have the whole affair in the newspapers with the Names of the Parties at length before I have dropt the story at a dozen houses.
Enter SIR BENJAMIN
Sir Benjamin you have heard, I suppose ——
SIR BENJAMIN. Of Lady Teazle and Mr. Surface ——
MRS. CANDOUR. And Sir Peter’s Discovery ——
SIR BENJAMIN. O the strangest Piece of Business to be sure ——
MRS. CANDOUR. Well I never was so surprised in my life! — I am so sorry for all Parties — indeed,
SIR BENJAMIN. Now I don’t Pity Sir Peter at all — he was so extravagant — partial to Mr. Surface ——
MRS. CANDOUR. Mr. Surface! — why ’twas with Charles Lady Teazle was detected.
SIR BENJAMIN. No such thing Mr. Surface is the gallant.
MRS. CANDOUR. No — no — Charles is the man— ’twas Mr. Surface brought Sir Peter on purpose to discover them ——
SIR BENJAMIN. I tell you I have it from one ——
MRS. CANDOUR. And I have it from one ——
SIR BENJAMIN. Who had it from one who had it ——
MRS. CANDOUR. From one immediately — but here comes Lady Sneerwell — perhaps she knows the whole affair.
Enter LADY SNEERWELL
LADY SNEERWELL. So — my dear Mrs. Candour Here’s a sad affair of our Friend Teazle ——
MRS. CANDOUR. Aye my dear Friend, who could have thought it.
LADY SNEERWELL. Well there is no trusting to appearances[;] tho’ — indeed she was always too lively for me.
MRS. CANDOUR. To be sure, her manners were a little too — free — but she was very young ——
LADY SNEERWELL. And had indeed some good Qualities.
MRS. CANDOUR. So she had indeed — but have you heard the Particulars?
LADY SNEERWELL. No — but everybody says that Mr. Surface ——
SIR BENJAMIN. Aye there I told you — Mr. Surface was the Man.
&
nbsp; MRS. CANDOUR. No — no — indeed the assignation was with Charles ——
LADY SNEERWELL. With Charles! — You alarm me Mrs. Candour!
MRS. CANDOUR. Yes — yes He was the Lover — Mr. Surface — do him justice — was only the Informer.
SIR BENJAMIN. Well I’ll not dispute with you Mrs. Candour — but be it which it may — I hope that Sir Peter’s wound will not ——
MRS. CANDOUR. Sir Peter’s wound! O mercy! I didn’t hear a word of their Fighting ——
LADY SNEERWELL. Nor I a syllable!
SIR BENJAMIN. No — what no mention of the Duel ——
MRS. CANDOUR. Not a word —
SIR BENJAMIN. O, Lord — yes — yes — they fought before they left the Room.
LADY SNEERWELL. Pray let us hear.
MRS. CANDOUR. Aye — do oblige — us with the Duel ——
SIR BENJAMIN. ‘Sir’ — says Sir Peter — immediately after the Discovery, ‘you are a most ungrateful Fellow.’
MRS. CANDOUR. Aye to Charles ——
SIR BENJAMIN. No, no — to Mr. Surface— ‘a most ungrateful Fellow; and old as I am, Sir,’ says He, ‘I insist on immediate satisfaction.’
MRS. CANDOUR. Aye that must have been to Charles for ’tis very unlikely Mr. Surface should go to fight in his own House.
SIR BENJAMIN. Gad’s Life, Ma’am, not at all — giving me immediate satisfaction — on this, Madam — Lady Teazle seeing Sir Peter in such Danger — ran out of the Room in strong Hysterics — and Charles after her calling out for Hartshorn and Water! Then Madam — they began to fight with Swords ——
Enter CRABTREE
CRABTREE. With Pistols — Nephew — I have it from undoubted authority.
MRS. CANDOUR. Oh, Mr. Crabtree then it is all true ——
CRABTREE. Too true indeed Ma’am, and Sir Peter Dangerously wounded ——
SIR BENJAMIN. By a thrust in second — quite thro’ his left side
CRABTREE. By a Bullet lodged in the Thorax ——
MRS. CANDOUR. Mercy — on me[!] Poor Sir Peter ——
CRABTREE. Yes, ma’am tho’ Charles would have avoided the matter if he could ——
Delphi Complete Works of Richard Brinsley Sheridan Page 33