Tilb. [To CONFIDANT.] The cue, ma’am, if you please.
“Con. It is not meet that he should find you thus.
Tilb. Thou counsel’st right; but ’tis no easy task For barefaced grief to wear a mask of joy.
Enter. GOVERNOR..
Gov. How’s this! — in tears? — O Tilburina, shame! Is this a time for maudling tenderness, And Cupid’s baby woes? — Hast thou not heard That haughty Spain’s pope-consecrated fleet Advances to our shores, while England’s fate, Like a clipp’d guinea, trembles in the scale?
Tilb. Then is the crisis of my fate at hand! I see the fleets approach — I see—”
Puff. Now, pray, gentlemen, mind. This is one of the most useful figures we tragedy writers have, by which a hero or heroine, in consideration of their being often obliged to overlook things that are on the stage, is allowed to hear and see a number of things that are not.
Sneer. Yes; a kind of poetical second-sight!
Puff. Yes. — Now then, madam.
“Tilb. I see their decks Are clear’d! — I see the signal made! The line is form’d! — a cable’s length asunder! I see the frigates station’d in the rear; And now, I hear the thunder of the guns! I hear the victor’s shouts — I also hear The vanquish’d groan! — and now ’tis smoke-and now I see the loose sails shiver in the wind! I see — I see — what soon you’ll see —
Gov. Hold, daughter! peace! this love hath turn’d thy brain The Spanish fleet thou canst not see — because — It is not yet in sight!”
Dang. Egad, though, the governor seems to make no allowance for this poetical figure you talk of.
Puff. No, a plain matter-of-fact man; — that’s his character.
“Tilb. But will you then refuse his offer?
Gov. I must — I will — I can — I ought — I do.
Tilb. Think what a noble price.
Gov. No more — you urge in vain.
Tilb. His liberty is all he asks.”
Sneer. All who asks, Mr. Puff? Who is —
Puff. Egad, sir, I can’t tell! Here has been such cutting and slashing, I don’t know where they have got to myself.
Tilb. Indeed, sir, you will find it will connect very well. “ — And your reward secure.”
Puff. Oh, if they hadn’t been so devilish free with their cutting here, you would have found that Don Whiskerandos has been tampering for his liberty, and has persuaded Tilburina to make this proposal to her father. And now, pray observe the conciseness with which the argument is conducted. Egad, the
pro and con goes as smart as hits in a fencing match. It is indeed a sort of small-sword-logic, which we have borrowed from the French.
“Tilb. A retreat in Spain!
Gov. Outlawry here!
Tilb. Your daughter’s prayer!
Gov. Your father’s oath!
Tilb. My lover!
Gov. My country!
Tilb. Tilburina!
Gov. England!
Tilb. A title!
Gov. Honour!
Tilb. A pension!
Gov. Conscience!
Tilb. A thousand pounds!
Gov. Ha! thou hast touch’d me nearly!”
Puff. There you see-she threw in Tilburina. Quick, parry Carte with England! Ha! thrust in tierce a title! — parried by honour. Ha! a pension over the arm! — put by by conscience. Then flankonade with a thousand pounds — and a palpable hit, egad!
“Tilb. Canst thou — Reject the suppliant, and the daughter too?
Gov. No more; I would not hear thee plead in vain: The father softens — but the governor Is fix’d! [Exit.]”
Dang. Ay, that antithesis of persons is a most established figure.
“Tilb. ’Tis well, — hence then, fond hopes, — fond passion hence; Duty, behold I am all over thine —
Whisk. [Without.] Where is my love — my —
Tilb. Ha!
Enter DON FEROLO WHISKERANDOS.
Whisk. My beauteous enemy!—”
Puff. O dear, ma’am, you must start a great deal more than that! Consider, you had just determined in favour of duty — when, in a moment, the sound of his voice revives your passion — overthrows your resolution — destroys your obedience. If you don’t express all that in your start, you do nothing at all.
Tilb. Well, we’ll try again.
Dang. Speaking from within has always a fine effect.
Sneer. Very.
“Whisk. My conquering Tilburina! How! is’t thus We meet? why are thy looks averse? what means That falling tear — that frown of boding woe? Ha! now indeed I am a prisoner! Yes, now I feel the galling weight of these Disgraceful chains — which, cruel
Tilburina! Thy doting captive gloried in before. — But thou art false, and Whiskerandos is undone!
Tilb. O no! how little dost thou know thy Tilburina!
Whisk. Art thou then true? — Begone cares, doubts, and fears, I make you all a present to the winds; And if the winds reject you — try the waves.”
Puff. The wind, you know, is the established receiver of all stolen sighs, and cast-off griefs and apprehensions.
“Tilb. Yet must we part! — stern duty seals our doom Though here I call yon conscious clouds to witness, Could I pursue the bias of my soul, All friends, all right of parents, I’d disclaim,
And thou, my Whiskerandos, shouldst be father And mother, brother, cousin, uncle, aunt, And friend to me!
Whisk. Oh, matchless excellence! and must we part? Well, if — we must — we must — and in that case The less is said the better.”
Puff. Heyday! here’s a cut! — What, are all the mutual protestations out?
Tilb. Now, pray, sir, don’t interrupt us just here: you ruin our feelings.
Puff. Your feelings! — but, zounds, my feelings, ma’am!
Sneer. No, pray don’t interrupt them.
“Whisk. One last embrace.
Tilb. Now, — farewell, for ever.
Whisk. For ever!
Tilb. Ay, for ever! [Going.]”
Puff. ‘Sdeath and fury! — Gad’s life! — sir! madam! if you go out without the parting look, you might as well dance out.
Here, here!
Con. But pray, sir, how am I to get off here?
Puff. You! pshaw! what the devil signifies how you get off! edge away at the top, or where you will — [Pushes the
CONFIDANT off.] Now, ma’am, you see —
Tilb. We understand you, sir.
“Ay, for ever.
Both. Oh! [Turning back, and exeunt. — Scene closes.]”
Dang. Oh, charming!
Puff. Hey!— ’tis pretty well, I believe: you see I don’t attempt to strike out anything new — but I take it I improve on the established modes.
Sneer. You do, indeed! But pray is not Queen Elizabeth to appear?
Puff. No, not once — but she is to be talked of for ever; so that, egad, you’ll think a hundred times that she is on the point of coming in.
Sneer. Hang it, I think it’s a pity to keep her in the green-room all the night.
Puff. O no, that always has a fine effect — it keeps up expectation.
Dang. But are we not to have a battle?
Puff. Yes, yes, you will have a battle at last: but, egad, it’s not to be by land, but by sea — and that is the only quite new thing in the piece.
Dang. What, Drake at the Armada, hey?
Puff. Yes, i’faith — fire-ships and all; then we shall end with the procession. Hey, that will do, I think?,
Sneer. No doubt on’t.
Puff. Come, we must not lose time; so now for the under-plot.
Sneer. What the plague, have you another plot?
Puff. O Lord, yes; ever while you live have two plots to your tragedy. The grand point in managing them is only to let your under-plot have as little connection with your main-plot as possible. — I flatter myself nothing can be more distinct than mine; for as in my chief plot the characters are all great people, I have laid my under-plot in low life, and as the former is to end in deep distr
ess, I make the other end as happy as a farce. — Now, Mr. Hopkins, as soon as you please.
Enter UNDER PROMPTER.
Under Promp. Sir, the carpenter says it is impossible you can go to the park scene yet.
Puff. The park scene! no! I mean the description scene here, in the wood.
Under Promp. Sir, the performers have cut it out.
Puff. Cut it out!
Under Promp. Yes, sir.
Puff. What! the whole account of Queen Elizabeth?
Under Promp. Yes, sir.
Puff. And the description of her horse and side-saddle?
Under Promp. Yes, sir.
Puff. So, so; this is very fine indeed! — Mr. Hopkins, how the plague could you suffer this?
Mr. Hop. [Within.] Sir, indeed the pruning-knife —
Puff. The pruning-knife — zounds! — the axe! Why, here has been such lopping and topping, I shan’t have the bare trunk of my play left presently! — Very well, sir — the performers must do as they please; but, upon my soul, I’ll print it every word.
Sneer. That I would, indeed.
Puff. Very well, sir; then we must go on. — Zounds! I would not have parted with the description of the horse! — Well, sir, go on. — Sir, it was one of the finest and most laboured things. —
Very well, sir; let them go on. — There you had him and his accoutrements, from the bit to the crupper. — Very well, sir; we must go to the park scene.
Under Promp. Sir, there is the point: the carpenters say, that unless there is some business put in here before the drop, they sha’n’t have time to clear away the fort, or sink Gravesend and the river.
Puff. So! this is a pretty dilemma, truly! — Gentlemen, you must excuse me — these fellows will never be ready, unless I go and look after them myself.
Sneer. O dear, sir, these little things will happen.
Puff. To cut out this scene! — but I’ll print it — egad,
I’ll print it every word! [Exeunt.]
ACT III.
SCENE I.
The Theatre, before the curtain.
Enter PUFF, SNEER, and DANGLE.
Puff. Well, we are ready; now then for the justices.
[Curtain rises.]
“JUSTICES, CONSTABLES, &c., discovered.”
Sneer. This, I suppose, is a sort of senate scene.
Puff. To be sure; there has not been one yet.
Dang. It is the under-plot, isn’t it?
Puff. Yes. — What, gentlemen, do you mean to go at once to the discovery scene?
Just. If you please, sir.
Puff. Oh, very well! — Hark’ee, I don’t choose to say anything more; but, i’faith they have mangled my play in a most shocking manner.
Dang. It’s a great pity!
Puff. Now, then, Mr. justice, if you please.
“Just. Are all the volunteers without?
Const. They are. Some ten in fetters, and some twenty drunk.
Just. Attends the youth, whose most opprobrious fame And clear convicted crimes have stamp’d him soldier?
Const. He waits your pleasure; eager to repay The best reprieve that sends him to the fields Of glory, there to raise his branded hand In honour’s cause.
Just. ’Tis well— ’tis justice arms him! Oh! may he now defend his country’s laws With half the spirit he has broke them all! If ’tis your worship’s pleasure, bid him enter.
Const. I fly, the herald of your will. [Exit.]”
Puff. Quick, sir.
Sneer. But, Mr. Puff, I think not only the justice, but the clown seems to talk in as high a style as the first hero among them.
Puff. Heaven forbid they should not in a free country! —
Sir, I am not for making slavish distinctions, and giving all the fine language to the upper sort of people.
Dang. That’s very noble in you, indeed.
“Enter JUSTICE’S LADY.”
Puff. Now, pray mark this scene.
“Lady Forgive this interruption, good my love; But as I just now pass’d a prisoner youth, Whom rude hands hither lead, strange bodings seized My fluttering heart, and to myself I said,
An’ if our Tom had lived, he’d surely been This stripling’s height!
Just. Ha! sure some powerful sympathy directs Us both —
Enter CONSTABLE with Son.
What is thy name?
Son. My name is Tom Jenkins — alias have I none —
Though orphan’d, and without a friend!
Just. Thy parents?
Son. My father dwelt in Rochester — and was, As I have heard — a fishmonger — no more.”
Puff. What, sir, do you leave out the account of your birth, parentage, and education?
Son They have settled it so, sir, here.
Puff. Oh! oh!
“Lady. How loudly nature whispers to my heart Had he no other name?
Son. I’ve seen a bill Of his sign’d Tomkins, creditor.
Just. This does indeed confirm each circumstance The gipsy told! — Prepare!
Son. I do.
Just. No orphan, nor without a friend art thou — I am thy father; here’s thy mother; there Thy uncle — this thy first cousin, and those Are all your near relations!
Lady. O ecstasy of bliss!
Son. O most unlook’d for happiness!
Just. O wonderful event! [They faint alternately in each other’s arms.]”
Puff. There, you see, relationship, like murder, will out.
“Just. Now let’s revive — else were this joy too much! But come — and we’ll unfold the rest within; And thou, my boy, must needs want rest and food. Hence may each orphan hope, as chance directs, To find a father — where he least expects!
[Exeunt.]”
Puff. What do you think of that?
Dang. One of the finest discovery-scenes I ever saw! —
Why, this under-plot would have made a tragedy itself.
Sneer. Ay! or a comedy either.
Puff. And keeps quite clear you see of the other.
“Enter SCENEMEN, taking away the seats.”
Puff. The scene remains, does it?
Sceneman. Yes, sir.
Puff. You are to leave one chair, you know. — But it is always awkward in a tragedy, to have your fellows coming in in your play-house liveries to remove things. — I wish that could be managed better. — So now for my mysterious yeoman.
“Enter BEEFEATER.
Beef. Perdition catch my soul, but I do love thee.”
Sneer. Haven’t I heard that line before?
Puff. No, I fancy not. — Where, pray?
Dang. Yes, I think there is something like it in Othello.
Puff. Gad! now you put me in mind on’t, I believe there is — but that’s of no consequence; all that can be said is, that two people happened to hit upon the same thought — and Shakspeare made use of it first, that’s all.
Sneer. Very true.
Puff. Now, sir, your soliloquy — but speak more to the pit, if you please — the soliloquy always to the pit, that’s a rule.
“Beef. Though hopeless love finds comfort in despair, It never can endure a rival’s bliss! But soft — I am observed.
[Exit.]”
Dang. That’s a very short soliloquy.
Puff. Yes — but it would have been a great deal longer if he had not been observed.
Sneer. A most sentimental Beefeater that, Mr. Puff!
Puff. Hark’ee — I would not have you be too sure that he is a Beefeater.
Sneer. What, a hero in disguise?
Puff. No matter — I only give you a hint. But now for my principal character. Here he comes — Lord Burleigh in person!
Pray, gentlemen, step this way — softly — I only hope the Lord High
Treasurer is perfect — if he is but perfect!
“Enter LORD BURLEIGH, goes slowly to a chair, and sits.”
Sneer. Mr. Puff!
Puff. Hush! — Vastly well, sir! vastly well! a most interesting gravity.
> Dang. What, isn’t he to speak at all?
Puff. Egad, I thought you’d ask me that! — Yes, it is a very likely thing — that a minister in his situation, with the whole affairs of the nation on his head, should have time to talk! — But hush! or you’ll put him out.
Sneer. Put him out; how the plague can that be, if he’s not going to say anything?
Puff. There’s the reason! why, his part is to think; and how the plague do you imagine he can think if you keep talking?
Dang. That’s very true, upon my word!
“LORD BURLEIGH comes forward, shakes his head, and exit.”
Sneer. He is very perfect indeed! Now, pray what did he mean by that?
Puff. You don’t take it?
Sneer. No, I don’t, upon my soul.
Puff. Why, by that shake of the head, he gave you to understand that even though they had more justice in their cause, and wisdom in their measures — yet, if there was not a greater spirit shown on the part of the people, the country would at last fall a sacrifice to the hostile ambition of the Spanish monarchy.
Sneer. The devil! did he mean all that by shaking his head?
Puff. Every word of it — if he shook his head as I taught him.
Dang. Ah! there certainly is a vast deal to be done on the stage by dumb show and expressions of face; and a judicious author knows how much he may trust to it.
Sneer. Oh, here are some of our old acquaintance.
“Enter SIR CHRISTOPHER HATTON and SIR WALTER
RALEIGH.
Sir Christ. My niece and your niece too! By Heaven! there’s witchcraft in’t. — He could not else Have gain’d their hearts. — But see where they approach Some horrid purpose lowering on their brows!
Sir Walt. Let us withdraw and mark them. [They withdraw.]”
Sneer. What is all this?
Puff. Ah! here has been more pruning! — but the fact is, these two young ladies are also in love with Don Whiskerandos. —
Now, gentlemen, this scene goes entirely for what we call situation and stage effect, by which the greatest applause may be obtained, without the assistance of language, sentiment, or character: pray mark!
“Enter the two NIECES.
1st Niece. Ellena here! She is his scorn as much as I — that is Some comfort still !”
Puff. O dear, madam, you are not to say that to her face!
— Aside, ma’am, aside. — The whole scene is to be aside.
“1st Niece. She is his scorn as much as I — that is Some comfort still. [Aside.]
Delphi Complete Works of Richard Brinsley Sheridan Page 42