by Lacey Black
When I arrive back to the apartment a few minutes later, I jump in the elevator for the excruciatingly long ride up four flights. It’s like the elevator knows my anguish and what is waiting for me inside of the apartment so it crawls upward at a snail’s pace.
I fling the door to the apartment open and immediately know something is wrong. Everything is still there, yet the place feels empty. Void. Lifeless.
“Josselyn?” I holler from the door. “Joss?” I yell, again, as I head towards our bedroom. The bed is made and the place is tidy. But her clothes, her stuff on top of the dresser, everything that IS Josselyn is gone. Gone.
I run into the bathroom searching for any sign of her, but I sadly don’t find any. It’s like she’s completely vanished.
I head back into the kitchen in a daze and something shinny catches my eye on the table. A key. Not just any key, but the apartment key. The new one I had made for Josselyn when she moved in here with me. Underneath the key is a note. I recognize her large strokes instantly as I grab the note off the table.
Dear Travis,
I hate to do this in a letter, but honestly, it’s the only way I’ve been able to communicate with you lately. You’ve been gone for a while now, and I’m not just talking about your physical being. You’ve been mentally absent for a few weeks now, and I just can’t take it any longer. I’m tired of being lonely. I’m tired of being sad. And I’m tired of wondering what I’ve done wrong to push you away. You’re a great man, Travis, with a huge heart, and I know you are going to be a wonderful father to our son, if you so choose to still be. I will leave that completely up to you. I won’t blame you or speak ill of you if you choose to not participate in his life. I’m not sure where I’m going right now, but I have a temporary plan. I need time to process everything that’s going through my mind so I’d appreciate it if you’d wait to contact me until I contact you first. This way, you have time to think as well. You will always have a place in my heart. I don’t regret any of the time I spent with you, and I thank you for allowing me to be a part of your dream even for a little while.
Josselyn
My heart beats wildly in my chest as I read and then re-read her words. The pain I feel in my chest as my heart cracks wide open and bleeds out is excruciating. Pain I’ve never experienced before as I slowly die inside. I close my eyes and pray for the words to change. I pray that when I look back down, the words are different. But when I open my eyes, they are still the same. I can’t believe she’s gone. She can’t be gone.
A noise behind me has me turning towards the door where my dad stands. “She’s gone,” I tell him as the first tear slides unchecked down my face.
“I know.” That’s all he says as he walks inside the apartment, shuts the door, and pulls me into his arms. I don’t bawl as my dad hugs me, but I’m not too big of a man to admit I cried a little. The woman I love left me, and it hurts like hell.
“How did you know she left?” I finally ask, clearing my throat of emotion.
“She called your mother this morning. Apparently she left yesterday, Travis.”
Yesterday? How can I not know she left me yesterday? What kind of douche bag doesn’t know his girlfriend has left him thirty-six hours after she left? I hang my head in shame as I take in his words and try to find my own.
“She wanted your mom to know that she was not staying here anymore and that she appreciated everything we’ve done for her. She said she would call us when the baby arrives so we can all be there if we want.”
I shake my head in understanding, but really, I don’t understand any of this. I stare back down at the crumbled note clenched tightly in my hand and walk slowly into the living room. My dad follows me, but doesn’t sit down.
“Do you need anything, Travis?”
“No, I’m good. Thanks for coming over and checking on me, but right now, I just want to be alone,” I tell my dad as I sink deep in the couch. Her scent is everywhere. I can smell her on the cushions and on the throw pillows.
“Okay, I’ll leave you alone, but know that you can call me anytime you want to talk.”
“I know. Thanks, Dad,” I tell him before he turns and heads out the door.
I’m sitting in the living room, surrounded by silence. I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life. Is this how Josselyn felt, trapped within these walls all by herself? While I was pushing myself harder and harder to finish the house so we both had our dream, a place to raise our son, was I alienating her and pushing her away?
I don’t know.
I do know that this emptiness I feel in my chest, this horrible ache I feel isn’t going away anytime soon. No. Without Josselyn I feel empty and alone.
I know that tonight is going to be the longest and probably the worst night of my life.
*****
I’ve tried calling her cell phone multiple times a day for the past three days. It’s Saturday and her phone keeps going to voicemail. I’ve left several messages until yesterday when her voicemail told me it was full.
Today when I dial her number, I hear it actually ringing. My heart skips a beat as I wait with bated breath for Josselyn to answer.
“Hello?” I hear in a higher-pitched male voice filled with hostility and fire. Matty.
“Hey, Matty. It’s Travis. Is Josselyn there?”
“No.”
“No? She’s not there or I can’t talk to her?”
“You can’t talk to her.”
“Matty, please don’t be difficult. I appreciate you trying to protect her -” I say but am cut off.
“Protect her? YOU should have been the one to protect her, Travis. Not hurt her. Do you remember what I said I’d do if you ever hurt her?”
How could I possibly forget? “Of course I remember, Matty.”
“Well, then you’ll understand why I’m going to kick your ass the next time I see you,” he says so matter-of-factly that I can’t help but laugh.
“Sorry,” I mumble as I try to get my laughter under control.
“She’s sleeping right now, anyway. And I’m pretty sure that note she left you said she’d call you when she was ready. So, I suggest you just sit back and wait.”
“I can’t, Matty.”
“You don’t have a choice, Travis. She’s hurt and scared and seeing you right now is the last thing she needs. She should be resting and not stressing. Not worrying over you and your relationship. Just let her be before you cause more harm than good,” Matty says.
Before I can ask him what he means by that, he says, “Just leave her alone, Travis,” and then hangs up the phone.
I stare at the phone in my hand and drop it back in my lap like it bit me. I run my hands through my hair and down my face. I can’t stay in this apartment. I need out of this place. Now.
I jump in my truck and start driving. I find myself pulling into Avery’s place and parking behind her Jeep without giving it another thought. I feel like my feet are stuck in wet concrete as I mosey up the walkway and up her front steps. She’s standing there with the door already open when I reach the top step.
“You look like shit,” she says as she signals for me to step inside.
“I feel like shit,” I confirm.
“Good. You deserve to feel like shit.”
When I step inside, I glance in the living room and almost smile at my brother-in-law. If I wasn’t dying a thousand deaths on the inside, I would even laugh and throw a few smart ass comments his way. But, today? Today I just don’t have it in me.
“Come on. Say it. I know you want to,” Maddox says as he walks into the dining room wearing a very sparkly tiara, butterfly wings, and enough pink make-up on his face to make a drag queen look like she just left Sunday church.
“I want to, really, but I just don’t have the energy,” I tell him with the slightest raise of the corner of my mouth.
“You’ll understand very soon, Travis. When your child wants something, there is nothing you won’t do. No mountain you won’t move. No river you
won’t cross. You just do it without even a thought of how crazy it is or how silly you may look. That’s unconditional love, right there. So, go ahead and make fun of me, but it won’t bother me a bit. I’ll do it again tomorrow,” Maddox says.
“I hope I’m half the father you are,” I tell him as I hold his gaze.
“You will be,” he says as he slaps my shoulder.
“So, what brings you here?” Avery asks.
“I’m frickin’ miserable. I can’t stay at the apartment because the walls feel like they’re closing in on me. I can’t go to the house because it feels like I chose it over her.”
“In a way, you did,” she adds.
“Maybe subconsciously, but that wasn’t my intention. I just wanted to build our house, our dream, and have it ready in time for the baby.”
“Travis, if you would have included her more in the building of that house or remembered that there was someone waiting for you at home, you wouldn’t be in this predicament,” Avery says.
“Too little, too late, though right? I know that’s what you’re thinking.”
“You have no idea what I’m thinking, big brother. As much as you messed up, this may still be fixable,” she tells me as she sits down across the dining room table from me.
“How? Tell me how,” I beg as I grab a hold of that tiny sliver of hope.
“First off, you need to realize some things about Josselyn. Do you realize that you missed a doctor’s appointment last Monday?”
The surprise is evident on my face, I’m sure. I suck in a big breath as I rack my brain trying to remember the appointment. “I couldn’t have. Her appointments are on Fridays.”
“That brings me to my next point, Travis. You don’t listen. Dr. Freeman was gone the week before so her appointment was on Monday. She sent you a text message because you have been a ghost lately. You not only didn’t respond to the text, but you didn’t show up to the appointment,” she says with a pointed, firm look. She reminds me of my mother right now which I’m sure she would hate, and since she’s already pissed off at me, I won’t bring it up.
“Do you know what she found out at that appointment, Travis? Do you know what it felt like for her to sit there by herself, alone, when the doctor told her she has preeclampsia? Do you know she had no one to lean on and no one to help her as she learned more about the condition she was just diagnosed with? A condition that is very serious and could be harmful to her and the baby?”
I close my eyes and hang my head in shame as I absorb the words my sister is saying.
“Do you know you didn’t come home for two nights after she learned that information, Travis? That she had no one to hold her hand and dry her tears. You checked out on her, so she went to the one person she could rely on.”
“What does that preclamps-whatever mean, Avery?” I ask without making eye contact.
“If you want to know, you’re going to have to do some research, Travis. I’m going to make you work for this. This is going to be the hardest work you’ve ever done, getting Josselyn to talk to you, let alone trust you again. But, I can tell by the look in your eyes that you’re willing to do it. So, go and learn. You also missed your first Lamaze class last night,” she says and it feels like I was punched in the fucking throat. I can’t breathe and my throat becomes tight.
“She scheduled the class two weeks ago and never had the chance to tell you. Matty went with her last night. Matty is the one who sat with her on that padded floor and helped her practice her breathing. Matty helped rub her back and work through her leg cramps.”
I stand up because the more my sister talks, the more I feel like slamming my fist through a brick wall. Guilt is a bitch, and my sister is working me over good right now.
“I’m such a douche bag,” I whisper.
“Yes, yes you are. But you don’t have to be, Travis. You can make this right.”
“How?” I ask.
“First off, you have some homework. Next, get that house done. You don’t need any more distractions. Plus, if you do get her back, you need a place for her and the baby.” Avery stands up and stands right in front of me. She places her small hands against my cheeks. “You can do this, Travis. Don’t give up on her, okay? She’s going to make this hard as hell on you. She doesn’t want your help or your apologies, but she needs them. She needs actions because how you handle this situation will speak louder than anything you say. Do it. Get your girl back,” she adds with a smile.
I smile for the first time in days as I hug my little sister. Who knew she was so wise?
“I gotta go,” I say as I turn to leave their dining room. Maddox walks back in from the living room with Bean who’s wearing much of the same as Maddox.
“Uncle Twavis! Where’s Jo Jo?” she asks.
“She’s not here right now, Bean, but I’m going to get her,” I tell my niece as I bend down and give her a big hug.
“Tell her that you wove her, okay? That always makes my mommy smile,” she says with all of the innocence of a four year old.
“That’s going to be the first thing I tell her, Bean. I love you, squirt,” I say as I head out the door and towards my truck.
I have only two months left until my son arrives. That’s two months to get the house done, my head on straight, win back the woman I’m madly in love with, and ride off into the damn sunset.
It’ll happen. It has to happen. Because the alternative is unthinkable.
*****
It’s been two weeks since I spoke with my sister about Josselyn. After I left, I went to the new house and got busy. I have a new deadline and a new plan. After work on Monday, I stopped at the public library and Erin hooked me up with a bunch of baby books though she made me work for it, too. Frickin’ women and their sticking together. I’ve read three of the books cover to cover since that day including as many as I could find on preeclampsia.
I know that it can be very serious and very dangerous to both mother and child. I learned that stress can be a huge factor which is part of the reason why I’ve stayed away. I haven’t called her since I talked to Matty that Saturday two weeks ago. I do, however, send her a text message every day. I don’t know if she’s getting them or reading them. But, I still send them. I will send them every day until she finally agrees to speak with me.
Today’s text is short and sweet.
I miss your beautiful smile
That’s all I say. Yesterday I told her I missed her laugh. Tomorrow, I’ll tell her I miss something else about her. And I do - I miss her terribly.
The house is getting so close to completion. This weekend, I’m painting. Hell, all week, I’ve been painting. I should have hired someone, but it’s too late for that now. I just need it done.
As I get all of the paint cans out of the bed of my truck from my recent trip to the hardware store uptown, I hear another vehicle pulling up the drive. When I turn, I see Mom’s car driving up the lane and park next to my truck.
Mom, Avery, Erin, and Holly all climb out of the car. “What are you guys doing here?” I ask.
“A little birdy told us you were painting this weekend, so here we are. Ready to paint,” my mom says with a smile.
“You guys are here to help finish with the painting?”
“If it’ll get you one step closer to finishing this house, then yes. We are here to paint,” Avery adds.
The girls all grab paint cans, brushes, and rollers and head up the newly paved walkway, up the newly constructed steps, and into the newly installed front door.
“Just tell us where you want us to start,” Erin says with a smile.
After everyone decides on the best course of action, we get the painting party underway. Mom and Erin are painting the guest bedroom downstairs and Avery and Holly are painting the kitchen while I take the nursery. It’s the one room I want to do myself. I chose a light shade of blue for the walls that I thought would go well with the sand colored carpet that Josselyn picked out all those weeks ago during our trip to St.
Charles.
“This must be the baby’s room,” I hear from the doorway. I turn to see my mom standing in the open doorway.
“Yeah. This is it,” I tell her. She takes in the bright lighting and the open space.
“It’s a great room,” she adds.
“I just hope it’s not too late to have him here, sleeping every night,” I say solemnly as I gaze down from the ladder at my mom.
“It’s never too late, Travis. The important thing is that you realize it and make strides to prove it.”
“I’m trying, Mom.”
“I know you are. Travis, just remember that love is work. Hard work. You have to work at it every day, and the important thing to remember is that life and love are never cut and dry, black and white. When you expect love to go one way, it goes the other. So, just keep doing what you’re doing and proving yourself, your love, to Josselyn. Even if you don’t realize it, she’s watching. She’ll notice.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I look up at the mostly blue walls in the room. “I just wish I knew where she was right now.”
“Well, that’s easy, Travis. She’s moving into Avery’s old house,” my mom says with a straight, serious face.
“What? She’s in Rivers Edge?”
“Now, don’t go telling anyone I told you this, but your brothers are actually helping her move in right now. Avery and Erin offered their services to get her back here, closer to you. And I’m pretty sure that was her plan. She wanted to be here, in Rivers Edge, so that she and your son are close to you.”
I absorb the information that Josselyn is back in town. And she’s not that far from me. I know that house all too well since Avery lived there for two years before moving in with Maddox.
“Just don’t go over there with barrels blazing, Travis. Let her get settled in her new place. Your sister and sister-in-law talk to her almost daily and have shared that she’s doing fairly well. Let her come to you, remember? You don’t want to upset her right now,” Mom says with a small smile on her ageless face.