“Because I did,” I whisper, unable to speak.
Mark doesn’t prod me, and I don’t offer more information. We sit in silence for the rest of our lunch. After seeing Aiden, I need time to process, so that suits me just fine.
* * *
Later that night, I fall asleep on the couch, only to wake up when Mark comes tumbling through the front door. He makes so much noise that the sound of him banging pots in the kitchen gives me an instant migraine. The more he does to annoy me, the more I want to end this relationship. Maybe it’s time.
With shaky hands, I stumble into the kitchen to find Mark fixing himself soup and a sandwich.
“Would you be careful?” I say, watching him almost burn his hand on the stove.
He spins around to meet my gaze and rolls his eyes at me. “Yes, Mom.”
“You know, Mark, I have had about all I can take of this shit.” I inch closer to him and get a whiff of beer and perfume. The scent drives me crazy. “Were you out with a woman?”
“I went to a strip club with Tom and Carter.”
He turns around to work on his sandwich, most of which he drops on the floor. I want to punch him in the back of the head for being such an asshole. I was working when we weren’t together, not off screwing someone else.
“Let me get this straight.” I come up to his side and take the turkey sandwich from his hand. He reaches for it, and I throw it into the trashcan, just to piss him off. “You can afford to shove dollars into a strippers G-string, but you can’t pay for your lunch?”
He smirks. “I did more than give them a tip.”
“Fuck you! I fucking hate you.” I smack him in the arm and don’t stop hitting him until he grabs both of my wrists and pushes me against the kitchen table.
“Stop being such a cunt, and leave me the fuck alone, Scarlett.” He breathes beer in my face, leaving some spit on my cheek. “You haven’t cared about me for months, so don’t act like you do now.”
“I was working, Mark. That’s more than I can say about what you have been doing behind my back. You smell like a cheap hooker. Did you touch any of the women?”
He releases his grip on me and walks away. “You’re not allowed to touch the girls.” With his back turned to me, he continues, “But I did anyway.”
“You make me sick,” I spit back, my body trembling from the anger that rushes through me.
“This one stripper had dime-sized nipples, the perfect shade of pink, just like yours.” He slurs his words. “You don’t let me play with yours anymore, so I played with hers instead. She didn’t taste like you, though.”
“I don’t want to hear another fucking word, you stupid fuck. I’ve had enough of you.”
“Is this what it takes for you to pay attention to me, Scarlett? I have to cheat on you with a goddamn stripper. That’s fucking pathetic.”
“No, you’re the one who is pathetic, Mark. You could never handle that I have a better job than you, or that I’m more educated than you.”
“Well, you never let me forget it, now did you? I had to hear about your treatment program and the clinic every day.” He moves toward me and stops only inches from me. “You know why I liked you when we first met?”
“Do I even want to know the answer?”
“It was because you were smart and confident. You knew what you wanted. But I had no idea that you would make our entire lives about you. All you ever cared about is your career. I supported you for a long time, but you never gave me anything in return. So, excuse me if I wanted to have a good time and try to remember what it was like to touch a woman. It’s been so fucking long since we had sex I can’t even remember how it feels to be inside you anymore.”
With my ass still pressed against the table, I have nowhere to run when he slides between my legs, pinning my hands down with both of his. I do my best to wiggle free from his grasp and fail. He only fights me, his fingers digging into my skin.
“Mark, stop it.”
“I know you like it rough, baby,” he whispers against the shell of my ear. “Let me fuck you one last time.”
“No,” I whimper, struggling to get out from under him. “We are done, Mark. This relationship is over. I can’t do this with you anymore.”
He laughs. “I knew it.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Knew what?”
Mark lets go of me and takes a step back, his eyes traveling over my bare thighs in my pink pajama shorts. “I’ve been waiting for you to say it for a while now.”
“Well, you haven’t left me much choice. You don’t even talk to me anymore, and now you went out and cheated on me with a stripper.”
He shakes his head and opens the refrigerator, his back to me as he looks through the contents. “I only said those things to force the words out of you.”
I inch toward him, afraid to get too close. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“I went to a strip club, but I didn’t touch any of the girls. I didn’t even get a lap dance. I just wanted to see how you would react. I meant what I said about fucking you because I do miss being with you.”
“Then, why have you been so distant the past few months? Why did you stop caring?”
“I never stopped caring. I just gave up.”
I peek up at him and sigh. “You know we are not good together, right?”
He’s gorgeous in the kind of way that he doesn’t even have to try. I had a good man in my life and let him slip away, all because of my work. But we never made sense together. We never fit the way I do with Aiden.
Mark slides his hand through his hair and grips a chunk of it, frustrated. “Yeah, I know, but that doesn’t mean I want to lose you.”
“You only like the idea of me, Mark. When it comes down to it, you were never really that interested me, and I was never that invested in you.”
“What about the apartment?” He looks down at the floor before his hazel eyes find mine once more.
“We can live here until we find something better.”
“I’d like to stay here. The rent is decent for the area.”
I nod. “I can get another place, maybe one that’s closer to my office. But I have to stay here until I find something else.”
“Take as long as you need.”
“I understand if you hook up with other girls before I move out, but please don’t bring them home while I am still living here. Just because we are no longer together doesn’t mean I will stop caring about you.”
He brings his hand up to my cheek, and I lean into his touch. “You take the bedroom, and I’ll sleep on the couch.”
“We have another bedroom,” I point out.
He removes his hand from my face and shrugs. “I like the couch.”
“Good because I like sleeping in bed.”
“Another reason we’re not compatible,” he deadpans with a smile on his face.
We never had much in common, other than I needed help pumping gas two years ago, and he was there to come to my rescue. Somehow, we made it work this long, though I have often wondered how. I would talk about current events over breakfast. Mark would go into detail about the baseball game the night before. That was our relationship. We were like two ships sailing in the same water, trying to avoid crashing into each other.
“I’ll try to find a new place within the month.”
He flashes a closed-mouth smile and then turns around to make another sandwich, acting as if nothing happened. His actions only reaffirm my decision. We were never good together. Our relationship was more about convenience than love.
Aiden
When I stroll into the office, my body trembles from the hunger that rushes through my veins. My addiction is in full swing. I wipe the sweat dripping from my forehead with the back of my hand and loosen the top button of my oxford. I can only hope that my patients don’t notice that I am in worse shape than them.
“You are an hour late,” Erica says, giving me a look of death. “What happened to your promise to show up on ti
me?”
I glance up at the clock on the wall above her desk and sigh. “Is the patient still here?”
Erica gets up from her chair and storms toward me with her nostrils flared and jaw clenched in anger. “No, she couldn’t wait any longer. You just missed her. I’m getting sick of covering for you, Aiden.”
“Dr. Shaw,” I growl.
“Oh, okay. Now, that you’re in a pissy mood we’re back to pretending we have a professional relationship.”
“We do,” I growl. “I am the doctor, and you are my employee. Maybe I should bend you over my desk and spank you for your insubordination.”
While I am serious, Erica takes my comment as a joke and laughs. She always thinks I’m kidding around. But I never joke about sex. Scarlett also fucked up my sex date yesterday, and I have been a maniac ever since. Seeing her again made my condition worse.
Erica elbows me in the arm and laughs. “I love it when you talk dirty to me, Dr. Shaw.”
“I wasn’t joking.” I set my hand on Erica’s shoulder, holding her in place. “If you were a good employee, you would go into my office and take off your clothes.”
She gives me a shit-eating grin just to taunt me. Erica knows all about my proclivities, and somehow, she still chooses to work here.
Her eyes travel along the length of my arm and back up to my face. “You’re shaking, Dr. Shaw. I wonder if there’s a way to fix that.”
The condensation in her voice sets my skin on fire. I swear she’s just as bad as Scarlett with her motherly advice and desire to fix me. Well, I am not a broken toy that can be put back together and made anew. No one can repair the damage.
“You could let me taste you,” I breathe against her lips, doing my best to still my shaking hands. “That would be a good start.”
“What happens after you get what you want?”
“At some point, I’ll need more.”
“Because you’re an addict,” she hisses. “Why don’t you get some help, Dr. Shaw?”
Frustrated with this conversation, I take a step back from Erica and walk into my office. By the time I sit behind my desk, Erica is on the opposite side with her hands on her narrow hips, distracting me. I lick my lips, as I make my way up her body, which earns me an even nastier look by the time I reach her face.
“Pig,” she sneers.
“You love it. Stop acting like you don’t enjoy our little games.”
“If you don’t get help, I will quit.”
“Not you, too.” I cross my arms over my chest and stare out the window, seething mad. “I’m sick of the women in my life telling me I need help.”
“Who else told you to get help?”
I turn my head to meet Erica’s gaze and narrow my eyes at her. “You know who.”
Her mouth widens in shock. “You saw Scarlett.”
I nod. “And not at one of my finer moments.”
Erica covers her mouth with her hand and chuckles. “What were you doing?”
“You know what,” I growl.
She laughs even harder. “Oh my God. That’s awesome.”
“Far from awesome. Scarlett is the reason my lunch date went to shit. Fucking cock blocker, like usual.”
“You care about her.” It’s a statement, not a question.
I sink into my chair and lean back, propping my foot on my knee. “Do you have a point?”
Erica presses her palms on my desk, giving me a nice view of her rack, and leans forward. “You care what she thinks of you.”
“Dr. O’Brien is a respected psychologist and a colleague.”
“No, she’s more than a colleague to you. You love her.”
“I’ve never been in love. Try again.” I dismiss her with the wave of my hand.
“She specializes in addiction. Maybe you should go see her.”
“No.” My tone is firm, but I still haven’t decided if I want to take Scarlett up on her offer. We had something back in college, a chance to be more than just friends. And I blew it, all because I couldn’t admit that I have a problem when I damn well know that I do.
“Go see her once. It will make me happy if you do.”
My relationship with Erica is somewhat strange. She’s young and beautiful, so full of life and yet to be jaded by her experiences. I’ve tried to corrupt her on a daily basis, but she laughs off my advances and pretends that my words have no meaning to her. She could never be submissive. Just like Scarlett.
I guess I’ve kept Erica around because she reminds me of Scarlett and her constant need to fight me. Scarlett’s tenacity was always the reason I’d liked her so much. And I miss her. For the last five years, I have missed Scarlett like crazy and have regretted my decision ever since she walked away from me.
I take Scarlett’s business card out of my pocket and hand it to Erica. She smiles with delight. “Would you like me to make you an appointment, Dr. Shaw?”
I suck in a deep breath and let out a puff of air. “I suppose.”
“What day works best for you?”
“You manage my calendar,” I tell her, still annoyed that she talked me into seeing Scarlett.
“Right,” she says under her breath. Then, she spins around and heads toward the exit. Before Erica opens the door, she glances over her shoulder at me. “You’ll thank me for this later.”
While I doubt I will, I nod in agreement, hoping I don’t regret this decision.
Scarlett
Nervous energy shoots through my body, sending shockwaves down my spine. I haven’t been able to sit still all day, not with Aiden on my mind. Seeing Aiden again only complicated things. I need to either break out the emergency cigarette from the bottom of my desk drawer or find a way to wipe Aiden from my thoughts. He looked worse than before, the sex-crazed hunger on display for me to see. For me to study.
He could have been my most successful case. I could have fixed him. We could have been more. The feelings I had for Aiden years ago are slowly resurfacing, and I am annoyed with myself because of it.
Aiden has me so off my game that my head is spinning. My patient sits across from me on the couch, fiddling with the tension ball in his hands. He’s driving me fucking crazy. Watching him makes me more anxious than I was before our session. I want to rip the ball from his hand.
Sitting in a leather chair across from Colin, I doodle on my notepad, trying not to think about my patient from hell. Every week he shows up ten minutes early and demands to see me before our time slot. He wears down my secretary and irritates me to the point I give in so that I can get rid of him.
Colin is on his last leg, about to get the boot from this office for good if he doesn’t stop with his bullshit. He likes to play games with me, even more so than what Aiden had ever tried on me.
Like Aiden, Colin has a sex addiction. But his addiction is to porn, which is a whole other story. In some ways, Colin’s issue is even harder to treat because he has become obsessed with women on a screen, making it impossible for him to form connections with women in real life.
“Colin,” I say, my voice firm. “Have you listened to a single thing I have told you in our sessions?”
He stops yapping about his latest Internet porn searches and quits playing with the ball in his hands. Our eyes lock for a second. We both know he has a problem. He’s so much like Aiden in many ways that it almost sickens me. But I want to help him even more because I couldn’t get through to Aiden. Ever since I walked out of his life, every patient has been Aiden in my eyes. They are all helpless men who need me to break them of their habits.
“Colin, you’ve been coming here for months, yet you haven’t taken any of my advice. You need to find someone who you can experiment with.”
He gives me a blank stare. “Like an actual girl? You know I can’t…” His voice trails off as he goes back to squeezing the ball between his fingers.
“Yes, like an actual girl—a living, breathing human. Your problem with intimacy is your lack of intimacy. If you spent more time around women, y
ou would be less nervous about approaching them. I can’t help you get the courage to hit on women in bars, but you could give online dating a try.”
“I created a profile last month.” He bites the inside of his cheek, mulling it over as he stares out the windows that overlook the city.
“Did you meet any women? Did you engage with any of them? Maybe send them a message or say hello?”
Every week we have the same conversation. I am getting sick of the repetition with some of my patients. They do not want help. All they want is someone to listen to their complaints. Because their health insurance covers these dreadful appointments, they still show up like clockwork. As a doctor, I want to see them change. I only succeed if my patient completes treatment.
“Well…no.” He shrugs. “I tried it.”
“No, you didn’t.” My anger with Colin radiates off me in waves, even though it’s Aiden that has me so mad. “Making a page is not enough. You have to follow through, post a picture, tell women about yourself, and then send them a message. We have gone over this, Colin. You have to take this seriously.”
“That’s easy for you to say. Look at you.” He points his index finger in my direction. “I’m sure you have no problem getting a date, yet you’re not married. So, who are you to dish it out when you don’t even practice what you preach?”
My teeth clench along with my fists. I have had all I can take of Colin and his nonsense. “I am unmarried by choice, and I have no problem getting a date. Worry about yourself and your problems. We’re not here to discuss my love life. We are here to discuss your lack thereof.”
“No, let’s talk about you, Dr. O’Brien.” He kicks his feet up on the coffee table to get comfortable, staring me down with a devious look.
“We’re not having a discussion about my life when you are here to talk about yourself and why you can’t have sex with a woman unless she’s on a screen.” I come to a standing, walk over to my desk, and drop my notepad next to the keyboard. “I think it’s about time you see another doctor. I have a few therapists I can refer you to in the city. We are not a good fit. You don’t take my advice, and the treatment is not working because of your lack of intent.”
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