by Susie Tate
‘Get off,’ she huffed. When he didn’t move she finally glared at him and said, ‘You’re hurting me.’ He wasn’t, but she needed to work out what the hell was happening, and she couldn’t do that with his body pressed against hers. He moved off her immediately, as if he had been given an electric shock, his face awash with concern. Needing more space between them and also feeling at a disadvantage lying in bed with him, she flung her feet over the side of the bed and stood on shaky legs.
‘Why are you doing this?’ she whispered and he frowned at her.
‘Doing what?’
‘This,’ she said gesturing between the two of them. ‘All of it: staying here, looking after me, moving in, moving your mother in, kissing me, treating me like I’m actually important to you. Why are you doing it?’
She’d been thinking over the last week. Thinking about why he was suddenly showing her the kind of interest she had craved from him for so long. As the fug of pain and weakness had cleared, her brain had finally shifted into gear, and she had come to the only possible conclusion.
Guilt.
Guilt was the driving force behind everything he was doing for her. He knew he had a hand in ruining her career, he had acted like a complete bastard and now he was feeling bad. He’d seen her get hurt and wanted to do the right thing.
‘You’ve always been important to me Lou,’ he said, sitting up in bed so that the duvet fell to his waist and the glorious planes of his broad chest came into view, momentarily distracting her. He must have noticed her eyes flicking down from his to check him out and gave her a smug grin. It was a mistake. You should not grin like that at a woman as close to the edge as Lou was in that moment. Lou focused again on his face, losing her temper.
‘Oh yes,’ she snarled, her voice low and thick with emotion, ‘so important to you that you shagged every – what did your mother call them? Ah, yes…sltwen…in sight at Uni, right under my nose. That you even used me as some sort of wing-woman in your sick games to accumulate yet more women to shag.
‘That you copied my notes, let me nurse you through your hangovers, defend you to the professors whose lectures you couldn’t bother to turn up for, drag you through the coursework you were too lazy to complete on your own, ring you every morning in our clinical years to remind you to get your sorry arse out of bed and into the hospital for ward rounds. Never saying thank you, never really thinking about why…’ she broke off and looked down at her shaking hands, her pride preventing her from voicing anything to boost his already colossal ego. ‘I went toe to toe with my whole department and yours to save your bacon, and all I got in return was ugly words hurled at me in front of everyone.’ Her voice then dropped to a whisper. ‘You know about my family and you used that against me. I trusted you and you went out of your way to hurt me. So don’t you fucking tell me that I’ve always been important to you.’
‘Lou I – ‘ Dylan’s face was the palest she’d ever seen it, desperation and what looked almost like fear written across it.
‘Get out.’
Chapter 29
It never even began
He walked towards her and Lou hardened herself to the anguish in his eyes. Cupping her face in his big hands, he leaned his forehead down against hers.
‘Please,’ he pleaded, pain lacing his voice. ‘Please let me show you what you mean to me. I’ll prove it. I’ll spend the rest of my life proving it to you if you’ll just let me.’ She put both her hands against his chest and pushed him away, stepping back from him.
‘Why now?’ she asked. ‘Why all this interest in me now? I’ve spent the last twelve years watching you chase, sleep with, charm, pay attention to every woman you met other than me, so why now?’
‘Look, babes,’ he gritted out, his jaw clenching in frustration. ‘Can we just forget about the other women. It’s not as if you’ve lived like a nun for the last twelve years yourself.’
Lou let out a hollow laugh and Dylan’s brow furrowed in confusion. ‘Do you know how many men I’ve slept with in the last twelve years Dylan?’
Dylan shook his head. ‘No, no I really don’t Lou. You see it doesn’t matter to me. I’m not judging you on stuff like that.’
Lou laughed again, and the sound was so heartbreakingly sad that Dylan actually winced. ‘You think you have all the answers don’t you Dildo? You probably think I slept with half your ridiculous friends on the rugby team. Am I right?’
‘Let’s not rehash the past Lou it’s not – ‘
‘Am I right?’ Lou shouted, close to losing it.
Dylan held up his hands. ‘It doesn’t matter now,’ he said in a voice that was meant to be placating, but only seemed to fire Lou up more.
‘I’ve slept with two people in my life Dylan.’ Dylan’s mouth dropped open, his face openly shocked.
‘But I – ‘
‘Yes, yes I know the rumours. To be honest I never cared that much about what stupid boys wanted to make up when it came to my love life. It started with Terry Aldershot and just spiralled from there.’
‘I don’t get it.’
‘Have you heard from Terry since Uni Dylan?’
‘Yes, I saw him at the old boys’ match a couple of months ago but what’s that got to do with any – ‘
‘Anything about Terry surprise you in the last few years?’
‘Well aside from coming out after we left Uni there’s not much…’ Dylan trailed off and stared at Lou.
‘You didn’t sleep with him,’ he said. ‘But why would you…?’
‘He asked me to do him a favour. All you lot were racking up the notches on the bedposts, and he never got any action unless it was down at the Vauxhall Tavern. He was my partner in our physiology project in the first year. We spent a lot of time together. One day I told him about Jimbo and how he couldn’t tell our parents he was gay, and after I’d finished Terry burst into tears. He said there was no way he could come out and still live the life he wanted, still be a part of the rugby club.’
‘Of course he could have – ‘
‘Really?’ Lou raised her eyebrows. ‘It wouldn’t have been a problem? You showered together for goodness sake. You even shared that insanely huge bath together at the club. Are you saying that no one would have had a problem with Terry?’
Dylan shifted uncomfortably in front of her and said nothing. He knew as well as Lou did that there were a lot of pricks in the Rugby club.
‘He reminded me of Jimbo; so lost, so scared. I told him I’d buy him some time until he was ready to come out, and I told everyone else we had a wild night together and that he was insatiable. It had to last him a while in the lad stakes, so I had to make the details pretty impressive.
‘Little did I know that just that one story would make everyone think I was some king of nyphmo. The other boys jumped on the bandwagon and made up their own “Sands wild night of freaky sex stories”. Some of them I may have snogged then turned down, but most I’d never even touched. I didn’t care enough to correct them. It wasn’t as though I was a virgin or anything; I lost my virginity to my boyfriend at school before he left for Uni, sort of as a goodbye.
‘So, the ridiculous thing is that I have this huge reputation for being wild in bed, and I’ve only had one night of awkward fumbling when I was seventeen with a boy who never breathed a word to anyone, and the other guy I’ve slept with doesn’t even bloody remember it, let alone spread rumours about it.’
Dylan frowned and rubbed his forehead, before his head snapped up and his eyes locked with hers. ‘Jesus Christ,’ he breathed taking a step towards her. Lou took a step back but came up against the door. Dylan kept coming until he was caging her in with his hands either side of her face. ‘I dream of you. I’ve been dreaming of you for eighteen months. But they’re not dreams are they? They’re memories. Memories of something that really happened.’ He groaned and leaned into her even more; his eyes filled with so much pain she almost flinched. ‘Shit, I dream we’re lost in each other. I dream about you telling me tha
t you – ‘
‘Shut up,’ she hissed. ‘Whatever you think you remember it’s bullshit. We might have slept together but I was just as trashed as you. Just because I don’t have convenient morning-after memory loss, doesn’t mean I wasn’t drunk enough to say and do things I didn’t mean.’ She tried to keep her voice from shaking as she saw the cogs turning in Dylan’s head, and something working behind his eyes.
‘You care about me Lou. Don’t deny it. Don’t make it sound like that night didn’t mean anything.’
‘I’m not the one that couldn’t even remember it.’ Dylan flinched like she’d struck him but that wasn’t going to stop her. ‘I’m not the one who thanked God that it didn’t even happen. Who said what a mistake it would have been to even go there. So don’t you dare tell me it meant something.’
‘Lou please,’ the desperation was back in Dylan’s voice and in his expression, as he continued to crowd her against the door. ‘I’m an idiot, a selfish, self-centred piece of shit, but I’m yours. I’ve been yours for years but I was just too stupid to realize it.’
Lou snorted. ‘You’ve never been mine Dildo, and neither would I have wanted you to be you loser.’
‘Babes, you and I both know that’s a lie,’ he said softly.
‘Ugh! You conceited, arrogant pig. One drunken mistake on my part and you assumed that I’m some pathetic – ‘
‘Stop saying it was a mistake,’ Dylan gritted out, shaking her gently by her shoulders. ‘Look I know I’ve messed up Lou, but I’m not the only one who’s been at fault. Why the bloody hell didn’t you tell me how you felt about me years ago?’
‘What are you talking about?’ Lou voice had lost some of its strength in her shock.
‘I know you never had a thing for Wet-Pant Ewan. I know who your poisonous mother was talking about that night at the pub.’
‘You’re delusional.’
Dylan took a deep breath. He was slowly losing control of his temper. Yes he had behaved badly, but if he’d had even the slightest inkling of how Lou felt about him maybe he wouldn’t have wasted years searching elsewhere for something that was right under his nose the whole time. He was done with arguing this particular point with her. It was time for the truth. Unfortunately as he pushed away from the door he was too angry to see the vulnerability in Lou’s eyes. Maybe if he had he wouldn’t have done what he did.
He strode across the room to her walk-in wardrobe. Lou started following him, but froze when she saw what he was pulling down from the top shelf. Backing up again she eyed the shoebox like it was an unexploded bomb, fists clench by her sides, and watched in horror as he emptied the contents onto the bed. Photographs of, and stupid little notes from Dylan were strewn over her duvet, but Dylan pushed all that aside and picked up a pink and white shell from underneath. He moved around the bed to stand directly in front of Lou and brought one of her fists up in front of her. Once he’d uncurled her fingers he placed the shell inside and held her hand with both of his.
‘Don’t tell me it meant nothing. Don’t dismiss what happened between us. I know it meant something. I know I mean something to you.’
Lou ripped her hand away from his and took a few jerky steps back. Dylan started to follow, her but froze when he saw the look in her eyes. Humiliation and resentment washed over Lou. For him to know the extent of her obsession was almost unbearable.
‘You bastard,’ she forced out, her throat closing as tears welled in her eyes. ‘How do you think it makes me feel that you know this about me? That you know how pathetic and stupid I’ve been?’
Dylan, having realized that anything he might have wanted to achieve with revealing the box was backfiring on him big time, started looking a little panicked. ‘Babes I – ‘
‘Just shut up! Shut up!’ she shouted, feeling on the edge of hysteria. ‘How dare you ask me why I didn’t tell you I was in love with you?’ Dylan’s body tensed at her words and his eyes went wide, but she was beyond paying any attention now. ‘From the moment we met you were obsessed with my best friend. You never showed even the slightest bit of interest in me. Do you think I have so little pride that I would beg you to choose me and not Frankie? I thought at first there was no way you two wouldn’t be a couple once you got past her barriers. I thought you were so bloody wonderful that I couldn’t even comprehend someone turning you down, and I loved Frankie enough to want that for her. But of course Frankie is Frankie; unpredictable as ever she had her sights set elsewhere. She didn’t even notice how you watched her, how you went out of your way for her, how protective you were of her. But believe me I noticed. I noticed and it broke my heart over and over again.’ Lou was crying in earnest now, but when Dylan took a step towards her she held up her hand again to ward him off. ‘Even after you gave up on her you still would never have touched me with a bargepole.’
‘Lou that’s not true, I – ‘
‘I heard you in the library Dildo. What was it you said to the boys? “High maintenance ball-breaking bitch” I think that was it. What? You think I’m so low maintenance now you’re willing to give me a go?’
‘No,’ Dylan said warily. ‘I don’t think you’re low maintenance.’
‘Well then! What’s the point of all this bullshit? Don’t piss on my Louboutins and tell me it’s raining. I’m not buying any more of this crap. Guilt trip is over, okay? All is forgiven. You can stop this ridiculous charade now.’
She threw the shell at him and he caught it in midair.
‘This isn’t about guilt Lou,’ Dylan said, tucking the shell carefully in his pocket and then running his hands through his hair in frustration.
‘Then why?’ Lou asked, her voice now small, having lost its previous fire. ‘After all these years why now?’
‘Cause I’m twp* okay? Because I thought I knew what I wanted but I was wrong. The only time I’ve been even halfway on the right course is when I gave you that shell. Do you remember what we promised?’
Lou, who had every moment of that night on the beach burned into her brain and had been holding onto the thin hope it gave her for years, rolled her eyes. ‘Of course I remember dipshit. Why do you think I’ve kept it like an obsessive stalker for eight years.’
They had been on their elective together in South Africa. Frankie and Mike had long since gone to bed, but Lou and Dylan were lying out under the stars. The beach was covered in tiny pink and white shells. They’d just finished talking about one of Dylan’s recent conquests that went pear shaped, and how Dylan didn’t think she was ‘The One’ anyway. Lou had teased that he had a snowball’s chance in hell of finding ‘The One’, and the way he was going he’d end up old and alone until some money-grabbing niece or nephew (his sister might not settle down, but the way she was going she was unlikely to avoid an unplanned pregnancy or two) shoved him into a home. They made a pact to marry if they were still both single when they got to forty, and Dylan had picked up one of the shells and tried to shove it on Lou’s ring finger as a pre-engagement ring.
‘Right, well. There you go. I think that was my subconscious trying to break free or something, trying to get me what I actually wanted.’
Lou stared at him for a minute. She wanted to believe him, but after years of his indifference it was too hard. After she slept with him she knew for a fact that the old saying ‘Better to have loved and lost than to never love at all’ was bullshit. The pain of actually having Dylan then losing him a few short hours later had been unbearable. She was tired of not being worthy of people’s love. She was tired of giving and never getting anything in return.
All those years wasted trying to please a mother who would always hate her, all the years since trying to catch a man’s attention who would never notice her. She deserved to meet someone and for them to instantly know, just like she knew with Dylan, that she was the one for them. She was tired of coming in second place.
‘I’m sorry but I can’t do this,’ she said. ‘I want you to leave.’
‘No Lou, just listen I – ‘
‘No you listen. I’m tired. I’m in pain. I don’t have any more strength to fight with you and I want you to leave.’ Lou knew it was an underhand tactic to use her pain as an excuse, but she also knew that it was about the only thing that would get him out at this point. If he thought he was causing her pain there was no way he’d stay. She breathed a sigh of relief as she saw him backing off, his hands raised in a gesture of surrender.
‘This isn’t over,’ he said softly as she heard him open the door.
Once he was out in the living area she could hear the rumble of low voices and realized that his mother was still there. She knew that Bronwen was trying to be discreet, but she was not by nature a discreet woman, or a quiet one. There were a few loud thwacks, which Lou was pretty sure were caused by Bronwen hitting Dylan upside his head, and a lot of whisper-shouted insults, most of which referred to him being a ‘twp bugger’. Then there was what sounded like a scuffle, but thankfully Dylan must have convinced her to leave.
‘It never even began,’ Lou whispered into her tear soaked pillow as she heard her front door close firmly behind them.
Chapter 30
I just do
Lou took a deep breath and leaned heavily against the kitchen counter. It was the first time in a very long week that she’d seen Dylan. And even though they had had what seemed like hundreds of people separating them in Tom and Frankie’s living room, the way he had been watching her made the others melt away.
She’d had to escape to the blessed peace of the kitchen just to be able to breathe again. The phone calls and texts had finally dried up two days ago, and although listening to and reading them had been painful, it didn’t compare to the pain of their complete absence. She told herself it was for the best; at least she knew how easily he would give up on her. Typical Dylan; things got tough and he…buggered off.
Mary Longley’s commanding voice was vibrating through the walls. It seemed that as far as the christening of the long-awaited first Longley granddaughter Mary was very much in charge of the proceedings. Hence this planning evening, getting all the family and godparents up to speed with christening etiquette. At first Frankie had threatened to call off the whole thing in the wake of the attack. She was adamant that if Lou couldn’t stand up as a godmother for Lucy that the whole thing could be cancelled, and the Longleys, along with everything else, were finding that nowadays when Frankie wasn’t having something, that it simply was not to be had. Her quota of backbone seemed to have increased exponentially in the last month. Lou knew that Frankie had been the one of the strongest at the hospital after it all happened. She’d told Lou that as far as she was concerned it was her turn to be the tough one, her turn to be the strong friend that Lou could lean on.