by Robert Lopez
KANSAS FROM THE AIR
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BLIND BETTY DRINKS WHITE WINE BETWEEN PANIC ATTACKS AND SCOTCH DURING THEM. If they knew Blind Betty was drinking scotch and white wine they’d probably send me back home so I hope maybe they might find out someday. I ain’t seen my TV or refrigerator since they sent me here to walk blindsters around obstacles and land mines. The TV it squeals like a wounded bird and the refrigerator light never turns off. I took out all the racks once and squeezed myself in to make sure. Blind Betty knows about the TV and refrigerator because I told her once. The blindsters always remember what it is you tell them. Must be because they’re blind and don’t have to remember what anything looks like. First time I seen Blind Betty drinking scotch was when she was lying in bed from having her head cracked open. Blind Betty cracked her head open on Pity Jimmy’s roller skate which he probably shouldn’t have had anyway because he’s as blind as the day he was born. Now Pity Jimmy and me have to go visit her in bed and bring her food to eat and I think Pity Jimmy likes it when Blind Betty has to rely on him for food to eat. And also Pity Jimmy is the one who brings her the scotch and wine. I think Pity Jimmy likes to get Blind Betty drunk too. Pity Jimmy won’t say where he gets the scotch and wine from and I don’t care neither. My job is to walk these blindsters so they don’t bump into things and crack their heads open and that’s it. I wasn’t walking Blind Betty around when she cracked her head open because she like most blindsters don’t like it when I walk them. Most of them know they’re not supposed to walk around without me to walk them, Blind Betty especially. This is why they pay me for though they ain’t paid me once yet. I don’t say nothing about not getting paid because I don’t think they want me to. I think what it is I do here I do for free. I said this to Blind Betty once and what she said back was curse words. Sometimes I have to bring these blindsters food if they trip on skates and crack their heads open. Every morning they tell me what it is I have to do for the day. Thing about Blind Betty is she wakes up sometimes and starts crying and shaking and hyperventilating. First time she did this I thought it might be normal for blindsters to wake up crying and shaking and hyperventilating sometimes. I figured if I was a blindster I might wake up like this every morning. I ain’t never seen a regular person do this so that’s what I thought. I thought maybe she went to sleep and forgot she was blind and when she woke up god knows what. Then I hear tell one of them blindsters call it a panic attack and it happens to you when you’re out of your mind crazy. The blindsters say you should suffocate her with a paper bag when it happens but I don’t think that’s right neither. That’s not what they pay me for when they do finally pay me. When she is shaking and crying this is when she drinks the scotch otherwise it’s the white wine she drinks. Pity Jimmy is good at calming her down. He talks baby talk to her and spoon-feeds her scotch. Time was all Pity Jimmy would say about people is how and when they were born. Then he said something to me about protein and since then he talks like everyone else does. I heard one of them blindsters say it’s a miracle Pity Jimmy can talk now but Blind Betty doesn’t think so. She says it’s a natural recurring phenomena but doesn’t say what that means. Blind Betty has fingered all the Braille books on health and anatomy so she knows about these things she says. I can’t understand this baby talk between the two of them and I think it might be something blindsters do like sign language. Me I tell her she is making a spectacle of herself. Then Pity Jimmy pours the scotch into a cup and puts it into Blind Betty’s hands and she cradles it like a cup of soup. When we’re alone and I’m walking Pity Jimmy back to his room I ask him why he nurses Blind Betty like a nurse and he says it’s like vaudeville. I don’t know what he means by that but it’s not my job to know neither. Then he asks me if it looks as good as it sounds. I tell him it does but I think I’m lying when I say that. I think Pity Jimmy knows I’m lying too. I think Pity Jimmy knows everything so it almost doesn’t matter when you lie to him. When we’re still with Blind Betty he tells her how Kansas doesn’t look like you’d think it would flying over it and that you can’t tell where it starts and stops. That Kansas from the air looks better than Kansas on the ground like a painting. I don’t know why it is Pity Jimmy tells this story or why Blind Betty likes it because neither has been on a plane and couldn’t look out the window besides. When he’s done with the story Blind Betty asks for the white wine and drinks it right up. By this time she’s almost calmed down. She’s not crying or shaking or hyperventilating no more so I can walk Pity Jimmy back to his room. All the other blindsters are in their own rooms at this time so it’s just me and Pity Jimmy walking around. I ask him why he has me in Kansas from the air with Blind Betty but he doesn’t answer. All he does is rock back and forth and snap his blind fingers that smell like scotch. If he says anything he says how and when I was born in the middle of monkey in the middle which is what he says all the time regardless. Thing is I think Pity Jimmy knows the answer because he’s blind but doesn’t tell me because I’m not.
MARES EAT OATS AND DOES EAT OATS AND JACKKNIFED TRACTOR-TRAILERS
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PARTY OF MY JOB HERE IS TO TAKE PITY JIMMY AND BLIND BETTY TO THE CAFETERIA AND FEED THEM THEIR LUNCH. Time was I only had to feed Pity Jimmy lunch but now it’s Blind Betty I have to feed too. I didn’t have to feed Blind Betty before she cracked her head open on Pity Jimmy’s roller skate which I don’t know why he was allowed to have them in the first place. They gave me what-for when that happened. Blind Betty knew she shouldn’t go walking without me there to walk her but that didn’t matter I guess. This is not what we pay you for is what they said to me. I think I shook my head yes because what else was I supposed to do. Maybe if I said something like when are you going to pay me they would stick me out in the woodshed and leave me there. I think they like to give me what-for and say this is not what we pay you for and meanwhile never pay me even once. They also like to tell me what to do all the time. This is probably why they said Blind Betty is my responsibility now and why I have to take her to the cafeteria and feed her lunch. So every day I take Blind Betty to the cafeteria and sit her down next to Pity Jimmy. This is when I take their trays up to the counter to fill them. How these blindsters know which is chicken and which is potatoes and vegetables is I always have to put the chicken and potatoes and vegetables in the same spot every time. They have it memorized is another way of saying what I’m saying. This is one of the first things they taught me how to do when I first came here. The chicken goes in the slot they call six o’clock and the vegetables and potatoes go at ten and two. After I fill their trays full of food I bring them back to the table and set the trays down right in front of them. Then I go back to the counter and get a carton of milk to set down on the right hand side of the tray. The problem is these trays only have slots for chicken and potatoes and vegetables so this is what you have to do with the milk. The first time I brought Blind Betty her tray full of food I made the mistake of telling her what food was in what slot. What she said back to me was curse words because Blind Betty doesn’t like to be told what she already knows. Blind Betty fingers all the Braille books so she thinks she knows everything. This is why I try not to talk to Blind Betty much. Right after she finished cursing Pity Jimmy said mares eat oats and does eat oats and jackknifed tractor-trailers. Thing about Pity Jimmy is you don’t know what he means when he talks. Time was all he said about people were how and when they were born. Then one day he said something about protein and now he talks like a regular person except for you can’t understand him most of the time. Some of them say it was a miracle and maybe it was. I don’t know about miracles. I think the greatest miracle of all would be them paying me like the said they would. Regardless, my job here has nothing to do with understanding these blindsters when they talk. I’m supposed to walk them around the land mines and obstacles and take them to the cafeteria to feed them lunch. This is what they’ll pay me for when they do finally pay me if that sort of miracle is even possible here.
THE STORY OF WIL
LIE NELSON'S GUITAR
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PITY JIMMY WANTS TO HEAR THE ONE ABOUT WILLIE NELSON'S GUITAR. Time was Pity Jimmy didn’t say anything except how and when people were born but now he talks like a regular person. Something happened and he said something about protein which was the beginning of him talking like a regular person but everyone still calls him Pity Jimmy regardless. Some people call this a miracle but I don’t. Today Pity Jimmy wants Blind Betty to tell the story of Willie Nelson’s guitar because he heard me talking about it with one of them other blindsters in the cafeteria. I said to Pity Jimmy one time in the cafeteria that what it is I do here I do for free and what he said back was I can buy and sell you naked as the day a jaybird was born. Sometimes I don’t know what Pity Jimmy means when he talks and sometimes I like him better the other way. Blind Betty says to Pity Jimmy that the story of Willie Nelson’s guitar is inappropriate for one such as yourself and when she finishes Pity Jimmy starts shaking his head back and forth so much I think it might come clean off his shoulders. This is when I tell Blind Betty she should tell the story to Pity Jimmy anyway and that it might not be inappropriate though I don’t know what she means when she says that. Blind Betty says she’s fingered all the Braille books on what’s appropriate and what isn’t and that I should keep quiet about these things until I do likewise. By this time Pity Jimmy is beating himself up and I have to put him in a headlock to stop him. Part of my job is to keep Pity Jimmy from hurting himself and getting me in trouble for it. Blind Betty says under no circumstances will I regale Pity Jimmy with the story of Willie Nelson’s guitar regardless of how impossible he might become. She says it will upset him and she’ll get in trouble for it. Almost everyone here worries about Pity Jimmy getting them in trouble. This is why most of the people here don’t like Pity Jimmy. I decide to tell Blind Betty that I will turn her in for illegal drinking if she doesn’t tell Pity Jimmy the story of Willie Nelson’s guitar and what she says back to me is curse words. Thing about Blind Betty is she drinks white wine between panic attacks and scotch during them but she curses all the time so I’m used to it by now. Pity Jimmy is the one who brings her the scotch and wine. Pity Jimmy won’t say where he gets the scotch and wine from and I don’t ask neither. Why Blind Betty drinks like this is because sometimes she wakes up crying and shaking and hyperventilating. This proves she is out of her mind crazy. I tell her once and for all not to make me turn her in and she starts with the story of Willie Nelson’s guitar. I release Pity Jimmy from the headlock when she begins and we both sit down to listen. The story goes on for five minutes and Blind Betty uses lots of curse words and turns out it’s true what Blind Betty said before. The story does upset Pity Jimmy and it takes twenty minutes and a tight headlock for me to calm him down again.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HOME AND HERE
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SOMETIMES I WONDER HOW MUCH THEY'LL PAY ME WHEN THEY DO FINALLY PAY ME. I’m not sure how much money I’ll need to make it back home because I don’t know how far I’m away from home here. Home is where the TV and refrigerator are and here is where all these blindsters are including Blind Betty and Pity Jimmy. The TV it squeals like a wounded bird and the refrigerator light never turns off and the blindsters I have to walk around land mines and obstacles so they don’t trip over something and crack their heads open. That’s the difference between the two and how you tell them apart. There are no blindsters at home and while there is a refrigerator here there is no TV. When I was first brought here I wondered why there was no TV and then I realized even if there was one who would watch it. Blindsters can’t watch TV any more than they can walk themselves around without tripping over something and cracking their heads open. I know I would watch TV but since they never seem to pay me there’s no way they would ever buy me a TV to watch. This is something you know without having to ask. If they ever did pay me I could buy myself a TV but it’s more likely if they did pay me I’d use that money to find my way home. I will probably have to take a bus home because they put me on a bus to get here. I didn’t notice what kind of bus it was or what direction the bus was driving is the problem. I think I was on the bus a long time so I think I might be a long way from home here. This is why they can give me what-for whenever they want and get away with it. They know it and I know it and even the blindsters know it. This is what I call my tragedy but Blind Betty says I don’t know nothing about tragedy. She says she’s read all the Braille books on tragedy and if I’m comparing myself to Oedipus then I have another thing coming. I don’t know who Oedipus is or what his tragedy is and I don’t bother asking Blind Betty because why bother anymore. I don’t know how much they’ll pay me when they do finally pay me but I reckon it should be somewhere between one hundred and one million dollars. Meantime I imagine what it’d be like if they did have a TV for me to watch set up in the cafeteria. I would be watching the TV with my feet up on the table and the blindsters would be all over the cafeteria with nothing on their trays doing god knows what to each other and they’d come in and say this is not what we pay you for and then I’d say which is my point exactly.
THE COMPRESSOR
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IN THE HALLWAY THEN THIS DANNY BOY COMES IN LOOKS AROUND AND WALKS OUT LIKE THAT. We call Blind Betty because Blind Betty knows this Danny. None of them other blindsters knows this Danny and I don’t neither. Blind Betty is in bed from having her head cracked open again when we call her and meanwhile the compressor’s broken. They all of them gave me what-for when Blind Betty cracked her head open again. Thing about Blind Betty cracking her head open again is this time it wasn’t even my fault. What happened was she got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and cracked her head open on the sink but I don’t bother telling them this because why bother. Pity Jimmy is standing next to me in the hallway when this Danny boy comes in and walks out the way he does. Thing is this Danny came in to work on the compressor but walked out without a word without so much as even looking at the compressor which is in disrepair. Betty supposedly is friends with Danny’s girlfriend is how we got Danny’s name in the first place. We only know him as the guy who’d come in and fix the compressor cheap. He was going to come in fix the compressor maybe an hour we’d throw him a twenty and feed him. This morning they gave me a twenty dollar bill to give to this Danny after he was to fix the compressor. I thought about asking when they were going to pay me but I decided against it. They were still sore about Blind Betty cracking her head open again so it wasn’t a good time to ask I don’t think. Then they said it was my responsibility to make sure the compressor got fixed. This is when Blind Betty told them about Danny and they told me to call him up on the telephone. I dialed the number Blind Betty gave me but then she took the phone from my hand before it rang once. Next thing we’re in the hallway when this guy Danny that none of us but Blind Betty knows comes in looks around and walks out without a word. How we knew that Danny was Danny is because Betty said Danny had a crew-cut and a goatee and an earring and no one else that comes in here ever looks like that. I don’t know how Blind Betty knew this about Danny because she’s been blind for years now. Time was Blind Betty could see but that was before she caught the disease in her eyes. I ask her if she can remember what anything looks like and she says she can still picture a dandelion and a Victrola and her brother’s retarded face. Time was she used to would say all she could remember were apples and dandelions so you don’t know what to believe. Blind Betty has told us many stories about her mother and her retarded baby brother so it feels like we know them sometimes. So now I have to walk over to Blind Betty’s room meanwhile the compressor’s broken. I have to take Pity Jimmy with me because if I don’t he’s liable to crack his head open on something and he’s been sick lately and Blind Betty thinks he’ll die soon. I have to give him pills each morning so he won’t have convulsions swallow his tongue and die. I ask Pity Jimmy about this Danny boy but what he says back is he was born a cold brick in an ugly shithouse eighteen years ago. This is all Pity Jimmy ev
er used to say about people be they blindsters or regular until the miracle happened and he said something about protein. This is why it’s no good to talk to Pity Jimmy because sometimes he still talks the way he used to. I take out the twenty from my pocket and hold it under my nose. I like the way money smells sometimes when it’s dry and crisp like this bill is. I put it under Pity Jimmy’s nose but he jerks his head away before he can smell it. I don’t know about this Danny boy. Maybe he’ll come back and this time come in and fix the compressor. Maybe he remembered something he had to do and had to go do it and’ll be right back. It’s not my job to know this Danny boy but I’m sure they’ll give me what-for regardless. They’ll say the compressor’s broken and that it is my responsibility and then I’ll say that Blind Betty said she knew someone who’d come in and fix it. Someone named Danny.