by M. L. Young
“Please, please don’t go and leave him,” he said, tears starting to form in his eyes.
“He made his choices, and now I have to live with mine,” I said, and the doors closed.
I broke down, my back hitting the wall before I slid down and sat on the floor. I never should’ve gone to that concert that day. I never should’ve given him a second chance. I could’ve been content at home, and I never would’ve gotten hurt the way I had been now. It was all ruined.
•••
“Who is it?” I asked, after I heard a knock on my door an hour later.
“This is Jim, the tour manager,” the man said.
I opened the door to see a thin older man with a gray mustache and parted hair. “I’ve gone ahead and found a flight for you, but it doesn’t leave until the morning. The airport doesn’t fly or depart this late in the evening,” he said.
“So I’d have to stay tonight?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer.
“Yes, if that’s okay. Would you like me to go ahead and finalize the booking?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said. “When does it leave?”
“Around noon. I know it’s not perfect, but it’s what we can get on such short notice,” he said.
“Okay, thank you, I’ll take it,” I said.
“Have a good night,” he said before walking away.
I picked up my phone, texting Regan, asking her if I could call and talk to her. It was the middle of the day back home, and now I was wide awake given what had happened. My phone soon rang, Regan’s name coming up on the screen.
“Hi,” I said.
“How’s it going?” she asked.
“I’m coming back home in the morning. Well, I leave here tomorrow morning,” I said.
“Why, what happened?” she asked.
“Well, I found out why Kai has been acting so shitty and weird lately,” I said.
“Why?”
“He’s been using cocaine again, and drinking. I caught him in some dump house getting blown by a hooker while he was passed out and high,” I said, starting to cry the further along I got in the sentence.
“Oh my god, Bianca, I’m so sorry. He didn’t say anything?” she asked.
“He just said part of my name. He wasn’t even lucid, just completely out of it, like he was overdosing,” I said.
“What are you going to do? Have you spoken with him?” she asked.
“No, why would I do that? It’s over, he cheated on me,” I said.
“Yeah, but maybe not, if you really think about it,” she said.
“How can you even say that?” I asked, appalled.
“Just hear me out, okay? He did technically cheat, yes, but it isn’t him. He relapsed and started using drugs and alcohol again, and the man that you saw tonight isn’t him at all. All you ever talk about is how sweet he is, how cute and affectionate, and that guy is begging to come back,” she said.
“I don’t even know what to say,” I said.
“I think you need to see him, where is he?” she asked.
“I called an ambulance before leaving,” I said.
“See, that shows you care,” she said.
“Yeah, well, I was falling in love with the guy, I couldn’t just leave him to die,” I said.
“So he’s in the hospital then. Go see him and if you still want to leave him, then at least get that closure. If you just leave without telling him what he did and why you’re leaving, that’s going to leave a wound for both of you,” she said.
“I don’t care if he has a wound at this point,” I said, sniffling.
“I know you don’t, but you should care about not leaving one for yourself. You’ll thank me later,” she said.
“Fine, I’ll see him before my flight. But I can’t tonight, it’s too hard,” I said.
“I understand, and I agree. Get some sleep, eat, and then go right before the airport. That way you have an excuse to leave and not have to stick around and see him. But just remember what I said. That man you saw tonight wasn’t him. You said he looked like he was overdosing, and he wasn’t even lucid or in any state of mind to understand what was going on,” she said.
“I hear you. I’m going to get in bed and try to sleep this off for right now,” I said, looking down at my feet kicking around on the floor.
“Let me know when you’re getting on the plane. Love you,” she said.
“I love you too,” I replied before we hung up.
I locked the locks on the door, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and lay down to try to numb away this pain. I stayed up instead, staring at the ceiling, trying to think about what this meant for me and for my life. Things were going to change, and in a way I didn’t want them to.
I just wished I hadn’t come to Paris. Maybe then my life would still be good.
Chapter Eighteen
Bianca
I took a deep breath as I entered the hospital door. Doctors and nurses were scurrying around, and all I had to guide me was a small piece of paper the concierge gave me with the room number. I had my luggage with me, gliding it around the hallways behind me as I walked. I felt more nervous with every step I took.
I got to his floor, the third floor, and walked towards his room. There was a man who looked like a security guard posted outside, who nodded me inside, somehow knowing who I was without me saying a word. Kai was lying there, his eyes closed, and nobody else was in the room with him. I heard the beeps of the machines he was hooked up to, an IV going into his arm. I didn’t know how to feel. He looked like absolute shit, his skin pale, his hair greasy, and his body weak.
Was I mad? Was I flaming? Was I scared, or maybe even devastated? I felt rather numb for the most part, wanting to kiss him because I loved him and to slap him and tell him to leave my life forever. I felt like I was given this curse, and there was no real guidebook for how to feel in this situation. I just had to feel something.
I set my suitcase to the side, and I heard my name. “Bianca,” Kai said in a frail voice.
I turned, tears starting to well in my eyes, before making eye contact with him. “Hey,” I said, walking towards him but still keeping some distance.
“They told me what happened, what I did. I failed you,” he said, a tone of shame in his voice, even if it were faint.
“Yeah, you did. I’m about to head back to Los Angeles, but thought I would see you before I left,” I said.
“Can you forgive me?” he asked.
I paused, my mind taking me back to last night, even to this morning, when I sat and just pondered everything for hours after waking up so early. What was I going to say to him? The truth, I guess. The truth isn’t always easy to say, though. I knew what I had to do for myself, for us, and most importantly, for him. I was no good to him, obviously, and I needed to find somebody who I could trust.
“I will eventually forgive what you’ve done, Kai, but I can’t forget what happened. You lied to me, you said everything was fine, but secretly you were getting high what, every night? Not only that, but you were cheating on me when I found you, and I’m not sure if that was the first time or if it was something you’ve been doing all along. I love you, Kai, I do, so much, but I can’t be with you. I can’t subject myself to this kind of pain again. I’m sorry,” I said, our eyes locked as tears streamed down my face. He just looked frozen.
“Please,” he begged.
“I can’t,” I said, moving my hands downwards in a defeated manner.
“I’ll get clean for you, I promise. Just please don’t leave me. I love you. I need you,” he said.
“And I love you, I always will, and I care about you and your health deeply, but we just weren’t meant to be. I hope you do get clean one day, but for yourself and your own well being. I should get going before I miss my flight,” I said, turning around.
“Bianca, please. Don’t do this, don’t give up on us,” he said, the pain in his voice obvious.
“Goodbye, Kai,” I said, turning my ba
ck to him before I grabbed the handle of my suitcase and rushed out the door.
I flew past the security guard, tears streaming down my face, before I bolted out of the hospital and got into the car waiting outside that had driven me here. “Airport,” I said.
I put the side of my head against the glass, seeing a shattered reflection of myself, before my vision became so blurred from my tears that I could no longer see straight.
•••
“Come here,” Regan said, grabbing me and hugging me as I walked through the door.
I was exhausted. The plane ride wasn’t easy to stomach after what had happened, but I was happy to finally be home. I took a deep breath, Regan’s grip becoming tighter around me, before I buried my head in her shoulder and just started to break down.
“It’ll be okay, I promise. Time will heal all wounds,” she said.
“He was begging me to give him a chance, to let him get clean, and I just rejected him,” I said.
“You did what you thought you needed to do for yourself, B. There’s nothing wrong with that,” she said.
“He was so weak, barely able to move. He needed me more than ever, and I abandoned him,” I said.
“Hey, look at me,” she said, moving backwards and looking me in the eyes. “You didn’t leave him or abandon him, not at all. You have to also think about yourself and your own mental and physical well being in these situations, Bianca. What he has is an addiction, a sickness, and you can’t hurt yourself just to help him. He needs to find that strength and solace within himself first,” she said.
“I know I’ll never find a guy like him. Well, the old him, I guess,” I said.
“And maybe you two will reunite one day, you never know, but for now you need to focus on yourself. Maybe a date with another guy?” she asked.
“I don’t think I’m ready for a date at this point. I’m not in the right emotional state to be with somebody else. One day, but not now,” I said.
“Good call. I’ll be there for when you need to find someone. We can go out and scope out some hot guys for you,” she said with a smile.
“You’d be my wing woman?” I asked, smiling.
“I won’t rest until I find you some dick,” she laughed.
“You’re so stupid,” I said, giggling, laughing for the first time in what felt like years.
Regan had bought pizza and ice cream from the market earlier, saying she knew I’d need it tonight, and we cuddled under the blankets and watched trashy television. It was the best night I could’ve had. I don’t know what I did to deserve such a great roommate and best friend, but I was damn glad it ended up being her.
•••
A week had passed since I came home from Paris and things were starting to go back to their usual monotony. I’d made up all of my work and readings and had buried myself in my thesis, finishing the first draft and feeling a clear sense of relief.
Kai had tried contacting me twice, telling me how sorry he was just yesterday, but I didn’t reply. I knew I shouldn’t, and couldn’t, and that it would only cause more heartache and problems. I didn’t block his number, just in case, but I definitely wasn’t up for chatting.
I stood for an extra shift at work, getting roped into doing it and unable to conjure up enough of an excuse to avoid it. I guess my social life was dead now, so that meant I could at least try to make a few extra bucks to cover my new stock in chocolate and two-dollar wine. I was joking, but kind of not at the same time.
Regan had insisted on going out tonight, to get me out of the apartment and try to make me happy again, but I was hesitant. I didn’t necessarily want to meet anybody, even though she said that wasn’t why we were going out. It was girls’ night, and she wanted to make sure I wasn’t rotting away in my room like some kind of old trash.
“I’m not getting all that ready tonight,” I said, eyeing my row of makeup on the bathroom counter in front of me.
“Oh, come on, you have to look decent,” she said, walking into the doorway.
“But it’s so much. I don’t want to look amazing,” I said.
“I’ll do it for you, then,” she said. “Sit down.”
I sat down on the toilet, letting her do my makeup only because I hated the idea of doing it right now and was perfectly fine going bare-faced, even though I never went out like this. We must’ve been there for forty minutes before she said she was done. I got up, looked in the mirror, and my eyes popped open, seeing what appeared to be some kind of dark smoky-eye sex makeup that I definitely didn’t want tonight.
“Regan,” I moaned.
“Come on, you know you look hot. Go get dressed,” she said, kicking me out so she could do her own makeup.
I slid my feet across the carpet, annoyed, before picking out a black top and jeans, which represented my mood right now. I was gone ten minutes before I came back to her turning off the bathroom light. “What is that?” I asked.
“What?” she asked, confused.
“Your makeup. You barely did it!” I said.
“Oh, yeah, that was on purpose. I want you to get the attention tonight,” she said, smirking.
“But I don’t want it!” I exclaimed.
“Tough. Now let’s go before it gets too busy,” she said.
Within twenty minutes I was sitting in a Mexican dive bar, Regan ordering us margaritas and nachos as the place flooded with customers. “Look at all the guys,” she said, scoping around the room.
“Go talk to one of them,” I said. Her dating life wasn’t exactly happening.
“Hey guys!” she said, shouting to two guys at a table not too far away.
The entire restaurant looked at us. I shied my head away and acted like I was here with somebody else. The guys walked over, drinks in hand, their pink polo shirts absolutely cringe-worthy.
“Hello ladies, how are you two doing tonight?” one of them asked.
“My friend and I came out here and thought you guys looked pretty nice. Are you nice guys?” she asked.
The bartender slid our margaritas to us, and I quickly sucked a third of mine down in one gulp before turning around to be polite. “Oh, we’re the nicest guys here, for sure,” he said.
“What about you, do you think my friend is cute?” she asked the other guy.
“She’s absolutely beautiful. Tough to think a girl like you is single,” he said.
“You want to go out with her tomorrow night?” she asked.
“I can’t tomorrow, but I could on Friday night, if you’re down,” he said.
“She’d love to go! But you better make it somewhere decent. She’s a take-home-to-Mom kind of girl,” she said.
I was in both awe and shock, a little annoyed, but somehow not surprised. Regan only wanted to go out to try to cure my break-up sickness, not to have a girls’ night, and I couldn’t believe I fell for it. Still, the guy was a little cute, even if he wasn’t totally my type. Maybe going out for one drink with him wouldn’t be the worst. I definitely didn’t want to date him, or anybody for that matter, but I couldn’t just sit in my room all day and night, either.
“Well then, it sounds like a date,” he said.
“Give him your number,” she said, looking at me.
The guy took out his phone and handed it to me, and I typed in my real number and name. “What’s your name?” I asked, talking for the first time.
“I’m Ned,” he said, his name not causing my ovaries to explode any time soon.
“How about you and I?” the other guy asked, looking at Regan.
“No thanks, have a good night,” she said, turning around.
I tried to hide a smirk, Ned doing the same, before they walked away and Regan began chugging her drink. “That wasn’t nice!” I said, slapping her on the shoulder.
“Hey, I’m here to get you someone, not me. As if that frat boy could even handle all of this anyway,” she said, moving her hands up and down her body.
“I can’t believe we’re best friends sometimes
,” I said, shaking my head.
“Hey, your stupid ass chose me. Now you’re stuck with me,” she said, smiling and nudging me.
We got a little tipsy, laughing and talking the entire night with nachos and tacos, everything cheesy and gooey. It felt nice, getting away from my problems, even if just for a couple hours. Not only that, but I had a date now, which I wasn’t sure was the best thing, but it was my reality. I just hoped he was normal.
Chapter Nineteen
Kai
“And you agree to surrender all items electronic, aside from those which have been approved by the management?” a woman asked.
I was sitting in a private room with Percy and Shandra, the head nurse at a rehab facility on the shores of Malibu. I had agreed to come here to get myself better and to take the break that I felt, and the label felt, was best for me.
Even though I knew I had to be here, I felt like an asshole for even stepping foot inside. I’d ruined our tour, since it was postponed until I got better, and the fans in those cities and countries definitely weren’t happy about it. Some understood, others wanted refunds, and many of them let themselves be heard on social media. I felt like I was letting them, and the guys, down.
They all said for me to come here, to get better, and that they loved me and wanted to see me doing well, but I knew there had to be some resentment. Their schedules were screwed up now, and they were all sitting back home instead of playing our gigs and getting paid. It just wasn’t fair to anybody.
“I agree,” I said, and she handed over the forms for me to sign.
I’d tried to get in contact with Bianca a few times, but she never bit, and I still hadn’t heard from her since that morning in the hospital. I replayed that quick few-minute visit over and over in my head, replaying what I could’ve done differently or if I could’ve said or done anything to make it better. I couldn’t have. She was perfectly justified leaving me, but I was bound and determined to get her back. She was the love of my life. We’d even said “I love you” for the first time, though it was a horrible circumstance in which to say it. I knew she would be with the old me, the real me. I wasn’t an addict, I was just a man who had some problems he needed help getting through. I was a good person, wasn’t I?