by M. L. Young
“What? You want me to be with him?” I asked.
“Well, yeah, who wouldn’t? You guys were great together, and you can’t tell me you weren’t the happiest you’ve ever been when you were dating,” she said.
“He used again, and he cheated on me,” I said.
“Not him, though, remember? Yeah, he did, but he was a coked-up mess. You even said when you found him he was like one step away from death or whatever. You know he loves you, and he never would dream of hurting you,” she said.
“Even if I did like him again, or love him, it’s over. I dumped him, and I don’t even know where he is,” I said.
“It’s never over, not with love. Text him now,” she said.
“I can’t do that!” I said.
“Just say hi, ask how he’s doing. It’s reaching out and being friendly, not asking to be lovers again,” she said.
Regan spent the next fifteen minutes convincing me it was a good idea and that I would be happier after doing it, and I finally gave in. I pulled out my phone, going back to our text thread, seeing his messages to me when I ignored him and wanted him to fall off the face of the Earth. “Hey, how are you feeling?” I typed.
“How are you feeling?” she asked, a weird look on her face after I sent it.
“Yeah, it’s a good text,” I said.
“Maybe to your great aunt Mimi,” she said, rolling her eyes. “It’s amazing you even found a man, to be honest.”
We sat around, talking, as I periodically checked my phone, even though I had my sound and notifications on. I don’t know what I expected, maybe I thought it had slipped through and I didn’t get notified, but nothing was ever there. I double-checked, making sure I’d actually hit send and that it said it was delivered, and I felt a bit discouraged. Here I was, after a date with a great guy, but with no sparks, texting my ex who wouldn’t even reply to me. It was a double whammy.
“Maybe he’s just busy, or even sleeping. He’ll reply, I know it,” she said.
“I’m not sure. I’m not hopeful,” I said, getting up and telling Regan goodnight.
I took a shower, washing off all of my makeup and feeling clean again, before wrestling into my clean sheets and curling my comforter around my body. I just knew I needed to talk to him again.
Chapter Twenty-One
Kai
Going without electronics was starting to feel like torture instead of help. I was without news, without social media, and without attempting to talk to Bianca. Percy was coming later today for a visit, mainly business, but also personal.
I took a group hot yoga session, feeling the toxins melt out of my body onto the mat under me. It felt good, my body starting to morph into the body I was so proud of before, my skin looking healthy again and my mind clearing. I felt like a new man, and all I wanted to do was bust out of the doors and rush to Bianca’s apartment, even if she didn’t want to see me.
“How have you been doing?” Percy asked, later on, before hugging me.
It felt so good to see a familiar face, as if it had been months or even years since I saw him. “I’m doing so well,” I said with a smile.
“Well, I’m glad. You look like you’ve had a good time here,” he said.
“How’s business? The media pick up on this story?” I asked.
“Yeah, they did. Not sure how they found out, but I think an employee here leaked it anonymously. People are being mostly supportive. They like an underdog,” he said, his fist clenched with a smile on his face.
“I guess that’s good,” I said, unsure.
“Things with the band are going well. They all wanted me to tell you they miss you and love you and that they can’t wait to get back into the studio and goof around and play. Things haven’t been the same without you,” he said.
“I can’t wait to pick up a guitar again, don’t you worry. I think about it daily,” I said.
“How much longer do you have here?” he asked.
“I think I’m staying for about two more weeks,” I said.
“Isn’t it only a month? Wait, aren’t you on week three now?” he asked.
“I’ve decided to stay a little extra, another week, actually. I want to be at my peak when I get out of here, and I think that’s just enough time without being too overwhelming,” I said.
“That’s great that you’re being proactive and taking that extra time. It shows your commitment and that you’re not just here because you have to be or whatever,” he said.
“What’s going on with the label?” I asked.
“They’re just waiting for you to get out. Probably wait a week or two before heading back out, assuming you’re up for it,” he said.
“I will be, I know it. I don’t even want to touch that shit again,” I said, disgusted.
“I’m very happy to hear that. We’ll all be there every step of the way. I’m very proud of you,” Percy said with a soft smile.
Percy was always great, even if he had his downfalls and flaws. He’d probably been a better father figure to me than my own father ever was. He genuinely cared about me, about all of us, and that was a trait that drew us to him and made us keep him as our manager, even if others had more training or expertise. You just couldn’t buy this kind of care.
We continued talking, keeping a hawk-like eye on the clock as our one-hour visit was quickly coming to a close. “Well, I best get going. I don’t want to get you in trouble,” he said.
“Thank you for coming. Tell the guys I miss them and I’ll see them in two weeks,” I said, giving Percy a bear hug.
“I will, don’t you worry,” he said, turning around.
“Percy,” I said, stopping him in his tracks.
“Yeah?” he asked.
“Can you do me a favor?” I asked.
“Anything,” he said.
“Contact Bianca. Text her, maybe. Just tell her I’m okay, and where I’m at. Maybe she’ll care, maybe she won’t, but I’d just feel better knowing that I reached out and let her know,” I said.
“I’ll do it first thing outside before I leave,” he said.
I smiled and nodded before turning around and walking towards the window. I felt calm during the stormy sea of life.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Bianca
Regan had stayed calm and optimistic about my failed reaching out to Kai, even though I’d lost hope. It had been a while, a week or two, and he never even replied. I was shocked to say the least after never getting a reply the next morning or during the subsequent days, but maybe that was meant to be. Maybe it was over, even if I did still care.
Ned took my break-off gracefully, after I told him that I liked him but didn’t really feel that spark with him. I felt horrible, like a bitch, honestly, but he said not to worry about it. He said he had come off of a breakup as well, and he was just grateful to have gone out and had his mind taken off it. I understood completely.
As I sat in class, in the back, my notebook starting to look like scribbles from a mad genius, my phone lit up in my hoodie pocket. I peeked at it. It was Percy. Cell phones were forbidden during the lectures, but my professor was busy up front and I turned down the screen brightness to the lowest it could go so I wouldn’t bring attention to myself.
“Hi Bianca, this is Percy, if you remember me. Kai asked me to reach out to you and speak on his behalf. He’s doing well, and he’s been in rehab for about three weeks or so now. He’s made amazing progress, and he’s truly back to his old self, and even better I might add. He misses you and thinks about you all of the time, and he just wants you to know he’s okay,” he typed.
I tried not to choke up. The line on the reply just blinked back and forth as I tried my hardest not to cry. He wasn’t ignoring me, he was in rehab. Not only that, but he was making progress and he wasn’t like he was in Paris or even London anymore. That was why he never replied to me; his phone was probably off if he was having Percy contact me.
I tried to think of what to say, my fingers shak
ing a little as I mistyped, having to constantly correct myself, before I figured out something reasonable. “Thank you for contacting me. It means a lot. I tried contacting him the other week, but didn’t hear back, and thought he hated me or something. Do you happen to know when he gets out?” I asked.
“He’s staying for two more weeks. He wanted to stay a week past the minimum time because he’s doing so well and wants to make sure he’s fully healthy. He doesn’t have access to electronics in there. I’m happy to hear you want to know these things. He’d be elated if he knew,” he said.
“I’d like to see him, if possible,” I said.
“I know that’s not possible now, and it’s probably best to wait until he’s out of there. You don’t want to see him in a place like that, trust me, no matter how nice it is. What if we arrange something for after he gets out? We were going to throw a party, the label and the band,” he said.
“I would like to come, yes, that would be fantastic. Thank you for asking,” I said, trying to hide my smile and not give away what I was doing.
Percy said he’d let me know the details, and he said he wanted to surprise Kai with me, which I agreed to. It was all happening so fast, going from thinking he hated me to setting up a surprise for him like some kind of viral YouTube homecoming video. I started to get butterflies, the nervous kind, my foot tapping the floor as I tried to calm myself down.
I knew he wanted to see me, Percy said so, and I did want to see him and talk to him. Was this too much, though? We had a lot to go over, and even though I loved him, I wasn’t just going to easily take him back. I needed to know for sure he was okay now. I could forgive this, even though I could never forget, but if it were to ever happen again I would be devastated. As if this first time wasn’t bad enough. I was vulnerable, and I couldn’t let myself be hurt again.
I sat on a bench outside by myself after class ended, watching people walk by. I texted Percy quickly, telling him I’d partially changed my mind and didn’t want to surprise Kai in some big fashion, and just saying I wanted to see him and talk to him first because of what happened. He agreed, saying he understood and it was a good idea, and I felt a sense of calm cover me.
At least I knew now that Percy was on my side, and that I wouldn’t just walk out and surprise him in front of a crowd of people, which probably wouldn’t happen to begin with, but when you’re afraid you get pretty irrational.
I took the bus home, putting in my ear buds and listening to a radio app on my phone. Staring out the window, I numbed myself out, not really paying attention to what was happening around me. It was going to work out, I knew it.
•••
“Anything you say in this room will be confidential, just know that,” the woman said.
Dr. Linden, a therapist Regan had recommended to me, sat in front of me in her chair as I twiddled my thumbs. I was nervous to speak with her, to speak aloud about my issues, but I knew I had to do it.
I’d grown so much in the past week since talking to Percy, reflecting a lot since everything happened, but I still felt a small amount of resentment towards Kai, even if I’d come to forgive him. The pain of not only being cheated on, but seeing him cheating on me with my own eyes had caused me to pull back a bit into my shell, where I thought I was safe.
“Tell me a little about your childhood, if you wouldn’t mind,” she asked.
“What would you like to know?” I asked.
“How about we start with your parents,” she said.
“Well, I wouldn’t say I had a bad childhood, but maybe that’s a lie I tell myself to make it seem more normal. My parents were your average people, I guess, working blue-collar jobs and not really making much income. My dad worked in a factory, and my mother worked as a receptionist,” I said.
“Was your childhood happy?” she asked.
“There were happy times, sure, but overall I wouldn’t say it was necessarily happy. My father wasn’t really the best, and my mother didn’t help things, either,” I said.
“What was wrong with them?” she asked.
“He drank some, mostly hard liquor, and it drove my mom crazy. She would yell at him, they’d get into arguments, screaming matches, and I would run away,” I said.
“You’d run away from home? It was that bad?” she asked.
“Well, not run away from home, just from that situation. There was a place I liked to go to, and I’d go there and just be alone, hoping that when I got back home they’d be back to normal and we would be okay. I always thought it was going to be the last time. It never was,” I said.
“That’s quite common for younger children in homes such as yours. They want to believe that things will become normal, that the parents will fall back in love and stop fighting. Where did you always run off to? Was it the same spot, or just some random place?”
“Same spot, up on a hill under a water tower. I liked going at night, you could see a lot of the town and the lights from the streets and homes,” I said.
“How are your parents today?” she asked.
“Divorced. It happened when I was either thirteen or fourteen. I never really kept track of it,” I said.
“Do you feel that them divorcing was the best thing to happen, or do you wish they would’ve worked it out?” she asked.
“No, definitely not on the working it out. There was nothing to work out, as far as I’m concerned. I’m happy they separated, but not with how they were afterwards. They just weren’t good parents, at least not with one another. On their own they were fine, but I think each one wanted to one-up the other person, maybe to gain more of my affection,” I said.
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“Nope, just me, which probably made it harder. At least I could’ve had somebody to go through this with if they would’ve given me a sibling,” I said.
“Now, you said to me before that you recently broke up with your boyfriend. Mind talking about that?” she asked.
“Yeah, I was dating a guy for a little while, and I fell in love with him, but it just didn’t work out. He fell back to drinking and drugs, and I left,” I said.
“How long had you two been together?”
“Not too long, a few months, and I didn’t know him when he wasn’t sober. His father passed and he took it pretty hard. He’s getting clean, though,” I said.
“And are you going to get back together with him?” she asked.
“I think I want to,” I said.
“You think, or you know?”
“Think, no wait, know, I don’t know! I love him, I still love him, but I’m scared,” I said.
“Scared he’ll hurt you again.”
“Yeah, very much so. He’s having a welcome home party next week, and his friends invited me as sort of a surprise. He’s been missing me a lot, and trying to get me back. I guess he talks about me to them when he sees them,” I said.
“You seem to want to get back with him, with the way you’re talking about him and how you just smiled,” she said.
“I do, but I need some kind of reassurance from him, though he told me before he was never going back to that stuff. I guess I want some kind of promise, even if it turns out being empty later, that he won’t do this again. He’s the love of my life, and I can say that now, but I can’t end up in a situation like my mother was in,” I said.
“It seems to circle back to your parents, then. You see your father in him a little bit, and maybe yourself as your mother. You love him, you want to stay with him, but you don’t want to or can’t allow yourself to turn out like your mother did,” she said.
“Yeah,” I said, finally realizing it. I couldn’t let myself end up like her, in some horrible shitty marriage that threatened my very sanity. Falling in love with an addict, or former addict, was an impossibly difficult thing. I wasn’t sure I could deal with it if he relapsed again.
“You can’t always place the blame on him, though, at least as if he is your father. While your father might hav
e failed, he might not. Are you ready to go back with him even if you know there’s a high chance he could use again?” she asked.
“I…think so,” I said, my palms clammy as I rubbed them together.
“So it seems like you’ve made up your mind on what you want to do. So why the trepidation?” she asked.
Those words burnt into my mind as I left her, riding the bus home and trying to make sense of it all. She was right, I did want to get back together with Kai, to be his again, but I still had a lingering sense of apprehension that tried to stop me even though I knew what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to end up like my mother.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Kai
I woke up this morning knowing it was time to leave this place. I’d been here for five long weeks, five weeks of self-reflection, self-loathing, and self-healing. I’d spent countless sessions in group therapy, private counseling, and healing sessions meant to cleanse my mind and body of the toxic waste I’d been putting into it. I felt better than I ever had before, but there was still a chunk of me missing here.
I knew I needed to contact Bianca again, maybe tonight, or maybe even tomorrow. I didn’t know what happened after Percy talked to her. He never told me, though he seemed to hint that it went well. Maybe she was going to talk to me again? I doubted I’d get that second chance so soon, but you never know. Crazier things had happened, right?
I packed up some of my belongings that I’d brought with me, my iPod gaining countless hours of use, before putting on my normal street clothes that Percy had brought for me last time. I asked them to throw away the clothes I came in wearing. It was like a phoenix being reborn.
“You look so good,” Percy said as I walked out of the doors and stood in the lobby.
“It feels so good to be out,” I said, giving him a hug.
“You’ll just need to sign these release forms, please, and then you’re officially discharged,” the woman behind the counter said.