***
I opened my eyes to find Orrean sitting on a log under the stars next to… my breath hitched and I ran over to him… to my Colt.
“Colt,” I croaked out, but he didn’t turn to look at me. I tried speaking again, “Colt,” but he still didn’t look. He just kept looking at Orrean expectantly. I reached out a tentative hand to touch Colt’s cheek, but my hand went right through him, making me gasp and sob. When I saw him, I knew it was too good to be true, but I’d still hoped I’d get to hold him.
I looked between the two of them, confused and hurt, but I knew this was a memory. Just not my memory. I had somehow tapped into one of Orrean’s memories again.
I sat back on my haunches, not able to move away from my beautiful Colt, but wanting to hear what they had to say. Tears ran down my cheeks as I watched him, as I sat so close to him without being able to touch him.
Colt spoke up first. “Please, Orrean. You have to promise me.”
Orrean looked at Colt with those sad eyes. “Colton… please. I can’t. He’ll never forgive me.”
“He will,” Colt insisted. “I know he will.”
“Colt,” Orrean choked, looking like he was fighting back tears.
“Listen to me,” Colt said. “He will forgive you, you know he will. He’s your other half, Orrean.” Orrean’s eyes went wide as he stared at my boyfriend, but Colt smirked at him. “Yeah, I know. My Taoree friend explained it to me, though I hadn’t believed him at the time. It took me a few days to understand… to come to terms with it, but I do know. You two were meant to be together… and you will be.” Orrean opened his mouth, looking like he wanted to argue, but Colt held up his hand, stopping him, and continued, “I know he loves me and I love him, but your souls are connected. You and I both know it’s true, and we both know that I don’t have much longer.”
“I’m so sorry,” Orrean whispered.
“I know you are. I am, too. All I ask…” Colt trailed off and looked away, rubbing a hand through his hair before looking back at Orrean. “All I ask is to let me be with him until I’m gone.”
“I would never hurt either of you.”
Colt smiled sadly at him. “I know that. And believe me, you have more control than I could ever have. If the roles were reversed, I don’t think I could step back the way you have. You are a good man.”
“So are you, Colt… I wish I could save you,” Orrean whispered softly.
Colt laughed humorlessly and mumbled, “Just goes to show what a better man you are than me.”
“Colt—” Orrean sounded like he was about to argue, but Colt cut him off again.
“No, I didn’t mean it like that.” He looked away again. “You two are Balu. Part of me wishes it wasn’t true, but now that I know I won’t be here much longer, I’m glad he’ll have you.” He shifted on the log and started fidgeting with a button on his coat. “I just… I just wish I could stay, you know? I wish I didn’t have to leave him.”
Orrean had a few tears dripping out of his eyes. “There’s nothing I can do. I’ve been trying to stop the Qiren, but they’re too strong for me to do it alone. I can try to use more energy, but I’ll never be able to hold them off until we get there, Colt. I just…”
Colt shot him a sad smile. “I know.” He whispered, “Please don’t use all your energy on me. I know my time is close. I need you to reserve your energy and keep my family safe.”
“You know I will.” Orrean wiped his cheeks angrily. “I would never let anything happen to them.”
“I know,” Colt whispered, then looked into the distance for a few minutes.
Orrean looked like he was falling apart. Like he was about to lose it, to burst into even more tears, or maybe scream.
“I’m at peace with it. With dying… and with you and him,” Colt eventually said. “But promise me you’ll take care of him. That you’ll protect him and love him… forever.”
“I promise with all of my heart,” Orrean said forcefully.
“Promise you’ll protect the rest of my family, Orrean. You’re their best shot at getting to the Independent camp. You have to get them there, no matter what else happens.”
“I will.” Orrean sniffed, but sounded determined.
After another minute, Colt whispered, “I know you already love him.” Orrean looked like he might interject, but Colt stopped him. “It’s okay, I get it… obviously.” Colt smiled easily. “He’ll come around eventually, you know.”
Orrean started shaking his head and looking away. “I don’t know if that’s true.”
“He’s stubborn as hell, but he will come around… sooner or later.”
Orrean snorted and agreed, “He is that.”
Colt looked at him again, smiling sadly. “You’ll be good for him, you know. I know you think he doesn’t feel the connection, but he does. I can see it in his eyes. He doesn’t understand it, but he does feel it.”
They were both silent for a long time, but Orrean finally spoke. “Thank you for that, Colton.”
Colt shrugged. “So will you do it? Please?”
Orrean breathed out a long sigh. “I don’t know if I can.”
“Listen, I know it’s not fair of me to ask, but there’s no one else. I can’t ask any of the others. They’re all my family and I just couldn’t do that to them. But I don’t want to live like that, either. I don’t want to hurt anyone.” Colt turned his body so he was facing Orrean full-on. “Please. When my mind is no longer my own, I need you to kill me. I’m sorry, but it has to be you. Please.”
“Okay,” Orrean said after a long-suffering pause.
“Thank you, Orrean.” Colt reached out and squeezed his shoulder.
“Colt,” I heard my own voice call out from a few feet away.
Colt smiled sadly at Orrean, who wiped a tear off his cheek. Then Colt looked toward where I called out from. “Coming, Sweetheart. I just had to piss.” He got up, patted Orrean’s shoulder again as he passed him and walked over to me.
I watched as Colt opened up the sleeping bag we had shared and climbed in, taking me in his arms and kissing my forehead. When Colt pulled the sleeping bag over our heads and I could no longer see either of us, I turned to look back at Orrean, who had more tears falling down his cheeks.
I woke up, or rather came out of the memory, with wet cheeks. I sat up and reminded myself that we were at the Independent base already and that we were safe, even though no one else was near me.
Then I started crying, sobbing into a pillow at the memory. How had I not known that Colt knew what was going on with Orrean and me? How had he known? How horrible had I made him feel with that knowledge? I did love him. I loved Colt. I knew I did, but did he know how much I loved him?
And then there was Orrean, who was clearly suffering through watching me with Colt, and yet he was a big enough man to let me be with him while I could. He looked so sad, so defeated. I knew I had never made it easy on him. More often than not, I’d been taking my anger out on him, even though he’d been nothing but patient and kind to me this entire time.
I felt like a hand was squeezing around my heart, making my chest hurt worse than ever before. The sobs racked my whole body and I couldn’t breathe.
I heard the door to my room open, but my eyes were so filled with tears that I couldn’t even see who had come in. I didn’t have to, though, because I knew who it was, even before I felt the dip of the bed as he sat down next to me. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me into a chest that was hard and somehow always smelled of my favorite scent.
I let Orrean pull me to him and I went willingly as he cooed, “Shh. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”
“I miss him,” I cried out, “I miss him so damn much.”
“I know.” His voice was shaky. “I miss him too.”
I just cried into his chest. I couldn’t even explain myself. I couldn’t tell him what a terrible person I’d been to him and even knowing that, I was still taking comfort from him as he held me. That even thou
gh I’d hardly offered him any comfort over the months, I was still taking it from him. And even though I’d pushed him away, he still always came to me when I needed him the most. I couldn’t tell him that even though I’d been a jerk and was always mean and rude and stubborn, I still cared for him so fucking much that it hurt.
I had no idea how long Orrean let me cry on him, but it felt like a long time. When I finally calmed down some, I felt completely drained and exhausted. I finally got myself under control and almost immediately I felt Orrean start to pull away from me.
He let go of me, getting out of my bed and saying in a quiet, disheartened tone, “I’m sorry, Jeremy. I could feel your distress and I had to come to you. I’m sorry I invaded your space, I’ll leave you be now.” His sorrow was breaking my heart.
As he stood up, I reached out and grabbed his forearm, stopping him from moving away. “Please don’t go.”
Orrean turned his purple eyes to me with confusion clear on his face. “I thought you didn’t want me with you.” Fuck, my heart was squeezing in my chest again and it was all my fault. Why had I been such a dick to this beautiful man?
I couldn’t even look at him, so I looked down at my legs, whispering, “I’m sorry.” I took a deep breath. I needed to just say it, just tell him. Stop being a pussy, stop being an ass. I looked back up into those amazing eyes. “Please stay with me.”
Orrean nodded his head once. “As you wish.”
I scooted closer to the wall so he could fit more easily in the bed and he sat back down. I could tell he was uncomfortable—yet another thing I did to him—so after a short pause, I grew a pair and scooted back over to him. Then I picked up his arm and wrapped it around my shoulders. He was stiff and tense, but that didn’t stop me from leaning into him farther and pushing him until he was lying down flat on his back.
“Orrean,” I whispered, though I didn’t know what I was going to say. I just needed him. I needed him.
I rested my head on his shoulder, but none of his tension had vanished yet, so I scooted even closer to him and draped my arm over his chest. Instead of it relaxing him like I had intended, he became impossibly tenser. I wanted to cry again, feeling like the biggest asshole in the world for making him feel that way, but instead, I slid my hand farther up his chest. Then I slid it up his neck—his bare skin making me shiver—along his jaw and up to his cheek. I felt his breath hitch, but none of the tension melted away. To try to calm him and show him how sorry I truly was, I started rubbing his cheek with my thumb.
A little of his tension finally started to dissipate, but it wasn’t enough, so I whispered, “Orrean… please hold me.”
He let out a long-suffering, shuddering breath, then turned his whole body toward me, wrapped his other arm around my back and held our chests together. I leaned my head back, resting it on Orrean’s bicep so I could still look at him.
He was so beautiful, with his dark purple eyes that were always filled with such emotion, his angular nose, and sculpted cheekbones. I couldn’t help but brush my fingertips over his cheeks, nose, forehead, and even his pointed ears. I was lost in the depths of his eyes for a long time, but the tension was still there and that scared me.
I finally whispered, “Don’t leave me.”
Without missing a beat and with such conviction I knew it was true, he whispered back, “Never.”
I felt us both sigh in relief and finally, finally start to relax into one another. Even with our bodies so close and our legs and arms tangled with one another, I still needed more. So I took the arm I was laying on and sought out his hand. He must have read my intention on my face because his hand found mine. As soon as I felt his skin, I laced our fingers, pressing our palms together to feel our energies mingling, reaching out to one another.
I scooted even closer somehow and rested my head under his chin. He held me tight and for the first time since I woke up from that weird mate hibernation thing, I felt completely content, I felt safe. I started falling back asleep as I felt his body relax and his breathing even out. But I needed to explain.
“Orrean?” I whispered.
“What’s wrong, Jeremy?” His voice was so soft, so caring.
“I…” I trailed off, scared and unsure of what I should say. But Orrean was as patient as always, giving me the time I needed to gather my thoughts. When I was finally ready, I took a deep breath and said, “I’m sorry… I didn’t… I was afraid that accepting you would mean…” Tears gathered in my eyes again and I had to stop or I’d sob.
Orrean leaned back and cupped my cheek. “No one can take what you had with Colton away from you.”
I shook my head. “But if you’re my…” I angrily wiped a tear and when Orr started to pull his hand away, I grabbed his wrist and closed my eyes to lean into his palm. “Does it mean that what I had with Colt wasn’t… significant, wasn’t meaningful?”
Orrean tilted my face up so I’d look into his eyes. He smiled gently at me. “The love you and Colt shared was… a beautiful thing, Jeremy. It was meaningful. I know it was, and so do you. Nothing can change that.”
I searched his eyes and I couldn’t help but tell him, “I loved Colt.”
His thumb brushed my cheek. “I know you did.” He pulled me in and I hugged him, burying my face in his neck. “He loved you, too, and nothing will ever change that, I promise.”
I nodded against him and squeezed him tight as I let my emotions overtake me. He rubbed my back and hair and just held me tight. Once I calmed and started to drift off to sleep, I was suddenly nervous about what he might want or do, so I pulled back to look at him again and asked, “Will you be here when I wake up?”
“If you would like,” he said quietly.
“Please… please stay.” I took a deep breath to gain courage, then finally said what I’d wanted but had been too afraid to admit, “Stay now… stay always.”
He stared at me, his eyes flickering back and forth between mine, obviously looking for something, then he pulled me into his chest almost desperately. His voice was shaky and filled with emotion as he said, “Always, my Balu. Always.”
I squeezed his hand and with my other hand, I rubbed the back of his neck, then I nuzzled my face into his throat and gently placed a chaste kiss there, making us both shiver. Then holding him tight, I whispered, “Goodnight, Orrean… my Balu.”
A huge shudder racked his body when I called him mine for the first time. I hoped he knew that I meant it, that I was finally willing to accept my fate, accept him and what he was to me.
I kissed his throat softly, trying to tell him without words that I wasn’t going to fight this anymore.
Orrean’s deep, sensual voice was shaky when he replied, “Goodnight, Jeremy.”
I burrowed farther into him as we held onto one another, both feeling overwhelmed with our connection. For once since we’d arrived in this crazy place, this crazy world of Independents, I fell asleep understanding exactly where I was supposed to be. Right here, with Orrean.
Chapter Thirteen
When I woke up, I was still on Orrean’s chest, but he had somehow curled around me, almost cocooning me in his embrace. I felt safe and protected. Even though I knew I didn’t need him to protect me, I still enjoyed the feeling of his body around mine.
I felt him stir, and I knew the moment he fully woke because he froze, as if he was afraid of what I’d do. I couldn’t blame him for his reaction after everything I’d put him through, and it made me feel a little guilty—okay, a lot guilty.
“You stayed,” I whispered against him.
“You asked me to.” He sounded unsure, like he thought I was about to make him leave.
I leaned back and reached up to cup his cheek and tilt his head so he’d look at me. Then I smiled at him and lightly traced my fingers over his forehead, down the bridge of his nose to his cheek, then I took my thumb and brushed it over his bottom lip.
Staring into his eyes made me feel like I was falling. Falling into an endlessly beautiful and cha
otic sea. There was so much depth to them, so much pain and sorrow, so many memories. All I wanted to do was make that pain go away. I wanted to see happiness, I wanted to see joy. I wanted him to know how I felt about him.
But after all this time, I was at a loss for words. I didn’t know how to tell him how sorry I was. I didn’t know how to tell him how much I cared about him. I didn’t know how to tell him what an amazing man he was. Or that I’d meant what I’d said last night, that I wanted him to stay, that I wanted always and forever with him, that I was finally fucking ready to open myself to him, to let go of all my hurt and guilt and just dive in with both feet. I didn’t know how to tell him how much I just wanted to be with him.
But maybe I could show him.
I scooted myself up, keeping my thumb on his lip. I slipped my other hand up and ran it over his head to the base of his braid and wrapped my fingers around it as I slammed my lips against his and pulled my thumb down, opening him up for more access. He moaned before running his hands up and down my back while devouring my mouth.
When our tongues met, it was like sparks were shooting from my mouth throughout my body. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. Every brush of his tongue sent another spark flying… and I could practically see purple sparks hovering around us.
I felt his braid start to move and slowly wrap around my wrist. The texture was strange and foreign, but not unpleasant. It felt soft, but had rough ridges. The movement freaked me out at first, but when I realized how good it felt against my skin, I moaned in pleasure and held his braid tighter. Somehow, his braid was sending little spikes of desire through me.
He cupped the back of my head with one hand while the other slipped under my shirt and pressed flat against my lower back. I could feel his light trying to connect with mine, and I let it go. Not like I’d done before, where I’d been reserved and held back. No, I let my light fly. I let my light finally, finally find its way to his light, to where it’d wanted to be since before I’d even met him.
Independents: Taoree Trilogy #2 Page 21