by Amy Andrews
‘I guess it’s always there, is it? At the back of your mind?’
He nodded. ‘The sad fact is that most heart-transplant patients require more than one heart in their lifetime, particularly paediatric patients. Mirry and I were always going to have to face re-transplantation at some stage.’
Fran felt a roll of nausea spread through her. She hadn’t known that. She felt her own heart, the one that David’s love had helped glue back together, break all over again. Fran figured it was now totally beyond repair. ‘So even if this is only a chest infection, Miranda will at some stage be looking at another transplant? Could possibly die while waiting for one?’
He nodded again, looking totally miserable, and she swore she saw the shine of tears glisten in his blue eyes.
Fran put her forehead against her bent knees, hugging them with her arms. ‘I know you don’t need this, David. But I can’t do it. We already know I suck at supporting the men in my life. For God’s sake, I pushed Jeremy into the arms of another woman because I failed to support him.’
Fran hadn’t noticed that the stillness of the night was broken only by the constant hum of crickets and the occasional low purr of a car passing by until the silence from David stretched on and on. She watched without comment as he stood and paced back and forth in front of her.
He stopped in front of her and held out his hand. He pulled her up gently and dragged her into his arms, hugging her tight. They hugged for an eternity. Fran cried silent tears that soaked into David’s shirt.
She pulled her head off his chest and looked up into his face. ‘I hope you understand why this is too hard for me to stay and watch.’
Her face was tear-streaked again and even in the muted light he could see it was red and blotchy. ‘I do,’ he said quietly, ‘I do understand. I just don’t want you to go. I’m sorry, I know that’s not fair but I need you so much.’
‘If this is rejection, I can’t watch her die, David. It would be like Daisy all over again. I just can’t. The first time around nearly killed me.’
Fran felt David stiffen a little in her arms and he pulled out of the embrace, letting his arms fall to his sides and taking a step back.
‘It’s not Daisy up there in that hospital bed, fighting for her life, Fran. It’s Miranda. My child. Mine,’ he said, pointing to his chest. ‘And she needs you. I know this is hard for you but it’s much, much worse for me. Daisy is dead and gone and there’s nothing that you or I can do about that. But you can be there for Mirry. If you can’t do it for me, at least do it for her.’
Fran felt a surge of emotion. Why had she ever let herself get involved? She should have known her happiness had been too good to be true. Now she was back in the awful emotional squall that had engulfed her two years ago. She’d put her heart on the line and it had been broken all over again.
She cleared her throat and waited for the emotion to clear because otherwise she knew she was going to battle to sound coherent. ‘When I think about Miranda getting sick, and maybe dying, it gets me here.’ She pounded her fist into her chest. ‘I wish it didn’t.’ She sniffled and wiped the tears from her face. ‘I’m just human, David, and all this is just too much for me to deal with.’
‘There aren’t any guarantees in life, Fran. Any of us could meet our maker at any time. Yes, Mirry has an increased risk but if you love her then the risk is worth it. Funny, I didn’t peg you as a quitter,’ he said quietly. ‘Or someone who would turn their back on a sick girl.’
Fran felt like he was shooting bullets at her. ‘It’s not so black and white, David,’ she said, her voice breaking.
‘I love you, Fran. That’s black and white. I want us to be together. That’s black and white. The rest is up to you. I have to get back to Mirry. Are you coming with me?’
David held out his hand and held in his breath. He had been tough, taken a gamble. Would it pay off?
Tears cascaded down her face as she shook her head at him and her shoulders shook with sobs as he handed her his car keys.
She pulled out the book from her bag that she thrown in earlier. ‘Give this to Mirry for me. It was Daisy’s favourite. Maybe you could read it to her.’
‘Why don’t you?’ he said as he took the book.
Fran shook her head, tears shining in her eyes, before she turned on her heel and walked away.
‘Drive carefully,’ he whispered as he watched the woman he loved leave.
CHAPTER TEN
BEING BACK in the tunnel again was much worse than Fran had remembered. Even her short time in the light had dulled the unpleasant memories. The ache. The void. The ever-present sensation of claustrophobia. Not being able to breathe properly. Food stayed untouched in the fridge, washing piled up, brushing her teeth was a chore and washing her hair neglected.
She didn’t go to work. Hell, she didn’t even go out. She confined herself to the four walls and drew the wooden shutters. The only sunlight she saw was the occasional stray finger that managed to poke through the slats and even that hurt her eyes.
Fonzie followed her around the house with big worried eyes, only leaving her side to do his business. He snuggled into her wherever she prowled and often whimpered as he looked at her quizzically. Fran could see he was trying to be supportive but was going slowly stir crazy inside the house. Still, it wasn’t enough impetus to spur her into the sunshine. Going out when she felt dead inside wasn’t an option.
‘Poor boy,’ she whispered to him one day when he’d plonked his head in her lap. Fran was sitting curled up on the lounge chair, feigning interest in midday television. She scratched him in his sweet spot, just behind his ears. ‘You miss your friends at the home, don’t you? And Miranda.’
Fonzie lifted his head at her name and wagged his tail a couple of times. ‘She’s OK. She’ll be home soon,’ Fran told him, and Fonzie gave her face an enthusiastic lick.
David had called every day, usually twice. Fran had let the machine pick it up. The fact that it hadn’t been rejection was an enormous relief, as was Mirry’s fast response to the antibiotics. David was hoping to be back at the weekend and every message ended the same. ‘Mirry is asking for you.’
Fran’s relief that her worst fears hadn’t been realised had been short-lived. Mirry had escaped anything more serious this time. But there was always going to be a next time with Miranda. As David had said, sooner or later she was going to need another transplant and the thought that she could die while waiting was too painful for Fran to bear.
Glenda had rung every day, too. Fran had contacted her and organised some leave after she’d got back from Brisbane. Glenda had been surprised but hadn’t pried and had been good enough to accommodate Fran’s wishes. But Fran knew that she couldn’t shirk her responsibilities for ever.
The question was, should she stay or should she go? Every part of her railed against moving again. She loved her little cliffside cottage and her job. She’d found happiness in this little community. But so much of it was linked to David and Miranda. Could she live next door and stay aloof? Separate from them? Out of their lives?
Miranda would be the hardest one to convince. Trying to keep a safe distance from her would be impossible. And as wrenching as it would be to remove herself from Miranda’s orbit, staying and witnessing her inevitable declining health just wasn’t something she could do.
Watching one girl she’d loved die had been the most gut-wrenching thing she had ever done. She knew she wasn’t strong enough to go through the ups and downs of another.
By the end of the week Fran knew she had no choice. She couldn’t stay. She rang the real-estate agent and they came straight away. Fran squinted as the harsh glare invaded the dark house when a youngish woman in a power suit came to the door. She came in and spoke contracts and the housing slump and about buyer’s markets.
Fran didn’t care. She didn’t care if she sold at a loss. Money had never been an issue. All that mattered was that she moved on.
Where, she didn’t know. Going back
home for a start. Her parents, even Jeremy’s mother, had worried endlessly about her in her six-month absence. It would be nice to see them again, and funnily enough the thought of returning didn’t panic her as she’d thought it would. She’d done her running away and though she could never see herself living back in Canberra, going home for a while seemed the right thing to do.
Fran sat on the window-seat and watched with a heavy heart as the smart young woman hammered in a ‘For Sale’ sign on her footpath. Where was she going to find another such gem? A place by the beach where the waves provided the perfect white noise to lull her to sleep and the view from the window was all ocean and sand?
She wished she knew. But there was one thing she knew for sure—she was going to research the neighbours better next time. No children, no good-looking fathers and no transplant recipients. Surely that wasn’t too much to ask?
The first thing David noticed when he pulled into his drive was the ‘For Sale’ sign.
‘Why is Fran’s house for sale, Daddy?’
Good question. ‘I’m not sure, honey.’
Miranda started to cry. ‘But I love Fran, Daddy. I thought you did, too. I want her to stay. I want you to marry her.’
‘Mirry…’ said David, looking at his devastated child. Poor Miranda had fretted for Fran and Fonzie all week and she’d chatted merrily all the way home in the car about heading straight for Fran’s door the minute they got home. David hadn’t known what their welcome was going to be like but he certainly hadn’t expected this!
‘Don’t you love her, Daddy?’ Miranda asked as she blew her runny nose on the tissue David gave her and dried her tears.
David looked at her earnest little face and realised this was going to be harder for her, for both of them, than he’d thought. All he could do was try and soften the blow and make Miranda see that Fran was complicated.
‘Yes, darling, I do, but Fran has a lot on her plate. You know about her daughter. I think being at the hospital with you brought back a lot of painful memories for her.’
‘But we’ve made her happy, Daddy, haven’t we?’
‘Yes, sweetie, we have.’ David smiled. But sometimes that just wasn’t enough.
‘Can I go and visit her, Daddy?’
David thought for a moment. He needed to talk to Fran first. ‘Maybe tomorrow. You’ve had a tiring day and Dr Anne wants you to rest.’
‘I’ve sat in a car for two hours, Daddy,’ she groaned.
‘Exactly—tiring stuff.’ He winked. ‘I want you to have a lie down.’
Miranda groaned louder. ‘I’ve been lying down for a week!’
‘You don’t have to sleep.’ He laughed. ‘Just rest, OK? And tomorrow we’ll go for a walk on the beach in the morning and go and visit Fran afterwards.’
Miranda weighed up the options. ‘OK,’ she grumbled good-naturedly.
David fussed over Miranda, settling her on the couch in front of the television. Despite her protestations that she wasn’t tired, she promptly fell asleep. It was a good reminder of how sick she had been. Kids recovered fast and Mirry hadn’t been any different, but the illness had taken its toll and her body was trying to tell her to rest even if her head totally rejected such a silly idea.
David took the opportunity to pop next door and see Fran. He had no idea if she’d let him in but he’d talk to her on the doorstep if he had to. He locked the door behind him, knowing that Mirry would be out of it for a good couple of hours and he didn’t plan on staying too long next door.
The house looked totally shut up as he pushed open her gate, and he knew from Glenda that Fran hadn’t been to work and no one had seen her around town. She’d gone all reclusive again. His heart pounded in his chest. He’d rehearsed a thousand different things to say and he was no closer to deciding what to tell her.
He just wanted to see her. Look at her. He’d missed her like crazy all week despite her fleeing from his side. He knew he’d pushed her too far and he understood her reasons for leaving, he really did. But he needed to hold her again, very badly. Unfortunately the ‘For Sale’ sign told him he might not be welcome.
David took a deep breath and knocked on the door. He refused to believe that it was all over. He knew that a lot was riding on what he said when she opened the door.
Fonzie perked up his ears and barked excitedly at the knock. A visitor! He gave Fran an our-one-on-one-time’s-been-great-but look and leapt off the bed where she’d been huddled all day.
She knew it was David. Could sense it. She almost didn’t bother getting up but she knew she couldn’t leave things the way they’d been in Brisbane and that she owed him at least a personal explanation as to why she was leaving.
She didn’t stop and check her face in the mirror. Her hair hadn’t been washed in days, and she didn’t bother to get out of her oversized T-shirt to answer the door. Her appearance had ranked fairly low on the important scale recently and it might help to soften the blow if she looked like something he wouldn’t want to touch with a ten-foot bargepole!
David’s eyes devoured her as she opened the door and winced and blinked at the bright light. Her bedroom was quite dark with the shutters closed and the tunnel-like gloom within the house suited her mood perfectly.
‘Come in,’ she said, eager to shut the door and bar the light.
David followed her inside, noticing the weight she’d lost despite the shapeless T-shirt and the defeated set to her shoulders.
‘Coffee?’ she asked, flicking on the jug in the kitchen.
He shook his head. ‘No. I can’t stay. Mirry is sleeping. I don’t want her to wake up and wonder where I am.’
Fran nodded and turned back to make herself one and to remove him from her line of vision. She hadn’t seen him for a week and the fact that she loved him hadn’t changed. No amount of reasoning about the wise thing to do mattered when confronted by the man she loved. Seeing him again after a week’s absence was torture and she just wanted to go throw herself at him and feel his arms around her. She felt like she was barely keeping it all together.
‘Thank you for keeping me updated on Miranda’s condition,’ she said stiffly.
‘You didn’t return my calls.’ David sat at the breakfast bar and watched her.
Fran stirred her coffee, not missing the gentle tone of accusation in his voice. She tapped the teaspoon on the side of the mug and placed it in the sink. ‘I’m leaving, David. What would have been the point? Better to make a clean break.’
‘So you’re running away.’
‘Yes,’ she admitted quietly.
‘Why? I know you love me, Fran. Love us. It doesn’t make any sense.’
Her eyes welled with tears and she felt a sob rise in her throat. ‘Because if I love you this much now, how bad is going to be in a year, or two or five?’ She knew her voice was rising and that soon she wouldn’t be able to speak as her voice would be completely broken with pent up emotions. ‘How much harder is it going to be to watch Mirry go through another transplant? What if I can’t do it then? If it’s too confronting? What if I’m useless to you?’ She sat at the breakfast bar with him and put a hand on his arm. ‘It’s better to get out now while I still have a chance to recover.’
‘It doesn’t matter where you run, Fran, It’s too late. We’re in your heart, in your soul. You can run but we’ll always be with you.’
‘It won’t be the same as being right here. Living next door. Having you both as a constant reminder.’
‘Where will you go?’
‘Home…for a while. Then I don’t know. Start over somewhere else.’
‘So that’s how it’s going to be, then, is it? The minute an emotional entanglement comes along, you’re just going to skip town and start somewhere new? Just never get involved ever? Ever?’
Fran felt a tear roll down her cheek at the lonely picture he painted. She shrugged. ‘It can be done. I shouldn’t have let you two in. I was doing OK.’
‘No, Fran. You weren’t. You were exi
sting but that was about it.’ David’s voice was gentle to soften the harsh reality and he watched her as she got up and walked back over to the sink.
‘You’re wrong,’ she said, staring out at the sea view. ‘Compared to the previous two years I was practically fully functioning. I’d already made a decision about reclaiming my life. You guys just hastened the process. I would have got there…eventually. I’ll be OK by myself. In fact, I think I prefer it.’
Fran swallowed the lie and felt dead inside. Before coming to Ashworth Bay, having another relationship, falling in love again hadn’t been on her agenda. But now that it had happened, the thought of going back to the deep despair of isolation was heart-breaking.
‘I don’t believe you,’ he said, and reached down and patted a forlorn-looking Fonzie who had plonked himself at David’s feet. ‘You may have thought you wanted to be alone, but what about Fonzie? Why did you get him? Because you were lonely and needed company. You’re human, Fran, we all need that.’
Fran gripped the sink at the accuracy of David’s words. How had he got to know her in such a short period of time? ‘Fonzie was part of me reclaiming my life,’ she said, and turned back to face him. Her heart squeezed painfully in her chest. She loved him so much and if he didn’t go soon she’d do something really stupid, like ask him to hold her.
‘Look, I’m leaving on Monday. There’s nothing you can say that will change my mind. I’m sorry things got messy and that Mirry got caught up in it. Just go, OK?’
David looked down at Fonzie who seemed to be pleading with him to make Fran see sense. Don’t look at me, buddy, I’m all out of ideas. Except for maybe one. ‘Can I bring Miranda over tomorrow to say goodbye?’
Fran felt the impact of the idea slam into her. No! ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea,’ she said.
‘She saw the ‘For Sale’ sign. She’s heart-broken, Fran. You can’t just walk away without saying goodbye.’
Fran bit her tongue to stop the rush of tears. She knew he was right. She had to try and soften the blow for Mirry as much as she could. ‘OK…sure.’