‘You did not have to agree,’ Nikolaos bit out. ‘You are an Imperial princess. Whichever Emperor was on the throne, you should have waited until you received his final confirmation.’
Theodora lowered her eyes. ‘I was wrong. I know I should have waited.’
‘Yes, Princess, you should have,’ the Emperor said. His voice was frighteningly quiet. ‘An Imperial princess does not get married in the dark. Choosing the date of your marriage to Prince Peter was the responsibility of the Emperor—it was not Prince Peter’s, it was not yours. In politics, timing can be all; you overstepped the mark and you know it.’
‘Your Majesty—’
‘Silence! I have not finished. You were betrothed to Prince Peter for years. You must have known the agreement would be ratified at the best moment for the Empire. For the Empire, my lady, not to fulfil your whim or that of Prince Peter’s.’
‘Your Majesty, I can only apologise. I should not have married Prince Peter so soon. I—’
‘This is no trivial transgression, my lady. A matter of state such as this cannot pass unpunished.’ Thoughtfully Emperor Alexios stroked his beard.
Theodora found the softness in the Emperor’s tone more alarming than overt fury. She stared at his purple riding boots and wondered what her punishment would be. Imprisonment? Exile? Or worse...
‘A moment, I beg you, Your Majesty,’ Nikolaos said. ‘Theodora, you were a child when you were sent off to Rascia, were you not?’
‘Yes.’
‘It must have become home to you. It is no surprise you grew fond of Prince Peter.’
Theodora found herself staring at her husband in astonishment. He understands, Nikolaos understands why I married Peter!
‘What I cannot fathom—’ the Emperor cut in ‘—is why you did not seek an audience with me the moment you returned to the City? And as for your child—when are you going to tell me if it is a girl or a boy?’
‘She’s a girl, Your Majesty, her name is Martina.’
‘A girl—I see.’ The Emperor gave her a look that made her want to curl up with shame. ‘Your daughter is the legitimate Princess of Rascia. By concealing your marriage, by allowing the world to believe she is illegitimate, you deny Princess Martina her birthright. Why?’
Wildly, Theodora wondered whether this was the moment to prostrate herself before the Emperor. She was conscious of Nikolaos standing with his arms folded across his chest.
She twisted her fingers together. Neither the Emperor nor her husband would accept her reasons for continuing to conceal her marriage to Peter once Martina was born. They would dismiss them out of hand. They would condemn her, quite rightly, for putting personal desires before the interests of the State. When I was shipped out to Rascia, I felt like a piece of merchandise. I don’t want that for Martina. Far better for her to lose her birthright than be traded like so much silk. Martina is not a commodity, she is my daughter! I will not give her up, I will not allow her to be sacrificed to the interests of the State.
‘Your Majesty, when Prince Peter and Brother Leo were killed, I...I am afraid I panicked. The two people who knew of my marriage were gone.’ She looked earnestly at the Emperor, willing him to accept her explanation, praying that Nikolaos would find it in his heart to forgive her for deceiving him. ‘I have explained why Peter and I kept our early marriage a secret. We knew we were courting Imperial displeasure, but we loved each other. And then, after Peter and Brother Leo were killed, Prince Djuradj’s troops started massing on the borders. I believed that my unborn child would be safer if no one knew of the marriage.’ She looked directly at Nikolaos. ‘I am deeply sorry for misleading you.’
‘You can no longer conceal your daughter’s status,’ the Emperor said. ‘A public announcement will have to be made.’
Theodora’s heart sank like a stone. No! ‘But, Your Majesty—’
‘This is politics, your daughter is the legitimate Princess of Rascia. A public announcement will give your daughter the protection of the Empire.’
‘Your Majesty, I cannot agree. Župan Djuradj—’
‘Your Majesty,’ Nikolaos broke in, uncrossing his arms. ‘With your permission, I should like time with my wife before we debate this further.’
The Emperor and his Commander-in-Chief exchanged glances, glances which revealed how close they were. If Theodora had not been so transfixed by her fears, she might have noticed this sooner. One of them might wear the Imperial crown, but they were warriors, comrades in arms. Alexios Komnenos and Nikolaos of Larissa would have had many a meeting over strategy and tactics; they would have discussed politics. And there was more to be read from that swift exchange of glances—these men liked and respected each other; they trusted each other. They were friends as well as allies.
‘Niko, of course.’ Emperor Alexios gripped Niko by the shoulder. ‘I have to meet an envoy from Apulia, in any case. We shall speak later.’
‘Your Majesty, before you go, I must make my position clear on one point. My wife has been living under a cloud for some time, it is my belief she has been punished enough.’
The Emperor’s eyes narrowed. ‘You are bold this morning, old friend. Your wife has put her interests first once—how do we know she will not do so again?’
‘I will vouch for her, Your Majesty.’ Nikolaos smiled crookedly at the Emperor and his gaze dropped pointedly to the neck of the Emperor’s tunic where the top of his hair shirt was just visible. ‘Alexios, few are perfect. Many of us have sins for which we need to seek forgiveness.’
A stunned silence followed his words. No one moved, no one breathed. For one sickening moment Theodora thought that Nikolaos had brought the Emperor’s anger down on his head, too. There were those in the City who called Alexios Komnenos a usurper for seizing the throne, but it was surely sheer folly to remind him of that?
The Emperor broke the silence with a bark of laughter. ‘That’s good, Niko, very good.’ He clapped Nikolaos on the shoulder and lowered his voice. ‘Only you would dare, my friend. Only you.’
‘Alexios, I dare because I know you,’ Nikolaos said, simply. ‘The Empire needed you and you answered the call. I merely point out that here on earth there is no such thing as perfection. You know you have my wholehearted support.’
The Emperor shook his head and, for the first time, he smiled at Theodora. ‘Do you have friends like this, my lady?’
‘Your Majesty?’
‘Old friends who tell hard truths?’
‘Yes, Your Majesty, I do.’
‘Then you are as blessed as I.’ Chuckling to himself, Alexios Komnenos made to leave.
Theodora sank into a deep curtsy. The doors clanged behind the Emperor; the golden eagle on the Imperial standard shifted in the sudden draught. Someone barked a command and the Varangians’ footsteps retreated down the corridor.
‘So. You were a widow when you married me,’ Nikolaos said. He was rubbing his forehead. ‘When were you going to tell me? Were you ever going to tell me? I did not marry an Imperial princess, I married the widow of the Prince of Rascia.’
‘My lord—’
‘His Majesty is, fortunately for you, not merely my Emperor, he is like a brother to me.’ He fixed his gaze on the letter lying on the purple cushion. ‘You must have had this planned for some time. I expect you thought you had me on a string. Well, Princess, let me tell you how wrong you are—you don’t have me on a string.’ He swung back, mouth a thin line. ‘You didn’t reckon on my cousin’s letter, did you?’
‘My lord, I was going to explain...this morning when you woke—’
He cut her off with an exasperated wave of his hand. ‘No more lies, I have had my fill of them.’ He took her shoulders, his grip was like iron. ‘I was beginning to believe that you were different. I was beginning to hope that with you...’ He stared in a puzzled way at her mouth. ‘I was beginning to hope...’
Crushing her to him, he covered her mouth with his. For a moment the kiss was calculated. Angry. Theodora held her gro
und, neither accepting nor rejecting it. Oddly, her spirits lightened.
Nikolaos is angry. Which means he is hurt. Which means he has feelings for me, feelings he does not wish to acknowledge. There is hope, there has to be.
She slid her arms round his waist and waited.
He gave an inarticulate murmur and his mouth gentled. His tongue ran over her lips, moistening them, seeking a response. When she relaxed her jaw and opened her mouth, his tongue slid against hers. Her breasts tightened with longing, she ached to feel his hands on them, his mouth. She ached to have his love.
He is angry, but the passion between us has not died, there is hope.
He drew back, breathing hard. ‘Holy hell, I should have known better than to touch you.’ He shoved his hand through his hair, dark eyes watchful. ‘You befuddle me, Theodora. From the moment we met I have had no peace.’ He laughed—it was a bitter sound. ‘I thought you nervous and shy. I thought you innocent. And after our marriage, when I learned that you were not innocent, Lord, you befuddled me even more. I accepted your lack of innocence—’
‘You are a generous man, Nikolaos, a kind and generous man.’
‘And then there was Martina. I accepted her, too.’
Theodora smiled, her heart must be in her eyes and she did not mind. She had married this man because she needed him, love had been quick to follow. ‘As I said, you are beyond generous. I love you, Niko.’
He scowled.
‘Truly. I do love you.’
‘You love Peter. You are using me and you have been from the beginning.’
Swiftly, she shook her head. ‘Nikolaos, that’s not true.’ She gripped his sleeve. ‘When we met, I admit I planned to use you. I was afraid what Djuradj might do if he realised Martina was Peter’s child. I was afraid he might kill her. As it turns out, I was right to fear that.’ She took a deep breath. ‘And whilst your character was unknown to me, I thought if you learned I had a child, you would reject her. Is it so terrible a thing to want to keep one’s child?’
His lips twisted. ‘Not just any child—your daughter is Princess of Rascia, and you are an Imperial princess.’
Anger filled her. She snatched her hand from his sleeve. ‘Is an Imperial princess not also a mother? Is a princess of Rascia not also a daughter? All my life I have put duty to the Empire before my own desires. And what was my reward? The Empire stripped me of everything I knew and loved.’
He drew his head back. ‘Everything?’
‘My home was here! I was uprooted and sent to Rascia. I never saw my parents again.’
‘Privilege comes with a price, you know that. It was scarcely the fault of the Empire that your parents drowned.’
She clenched her fists. ‘Is it not? They were coming to visit me. They would not have been on that ship if I had not been sent away. The Empire traded me in much the same way as they would trade a bolt of silk from the Imperial workshops. Peter understood how I felt. Peter was kind to me. Peter—’
‘Yes, yes.’ Nikolaos looked weary. ‘The saintly Peter, how you loved him.’
‘It’s true I loved him. Peter made me welcome in Rascia, he loved me. And—’ Theodora was appalled to hear a break in her voice ‘—he gave me Martina. I shan’t give her up, Nikolaos, I shan’t. You may say what you like to the Emperor, but I will not have Martina treated as I was. Martina is not a bolt of silk to be traded because the Empire needs a new alliance.’
He blinked. ‘That’s it? That’s it? You were prepared to deceive the whole Court, to risk lying to your Emperor, to me, simply because you didn’t want Martina sent away.’
She gritted her teeth. ‘How many apologies do you need? My lord, I am deeply sorry.’
‘So you should be.’ Nikolaos was looking at her as though utterly bemused. ‘You, an Imperial princess, put your desires as a mother over those of a princess. You put love before duty.’
‘Martina is the world to me.’
‘And you would do anything to keep her, including making a fool of me before my Emperor. I would have preferred hearing I had married a widow from you, rather than His Majesty. You might have warned me.’
‘Please believe me, I was going to tell you. If you had woken a little earlier, I would have done.’
‘That’s easy to say.’ Nikolaos stood in front of the gilded throne, dark eyes boring into her. ‘Theodora, I have given you the benefit of the doubt a number of times, but I am afraid it stops here. To gain your ends, you were prepared to lie.’
‘I did not actually lie.’
‘Don’t be disingenuous. You let me believe you were unmarried; you let me believe you were childless. Lies of omission, Princess, lies of omission. And there seems to be no end to them. Lord, you were even prepared to mislead the Emperor. I cannot trust you.’ His chest heaved. ‘I think it best you retire to Larissa.’
She blinked. ‘Larissa?’
‘Lady Verina will accompany you. You should enjoy each other’s company.’ His lip curled. ‘It would seem that deceit comes as naturally to you as it does to my mother.’
Theodora gasped.
Nikolaos frowned down at her, mouth a thin line. ‘My insolence offends you, my lady?’
‘You forget my status.’
‘Your status...and what exactly is that? Oh, forgive me, you are an Imperial princess, one who has so forgotten herself that she is prepared to ignore protocol and marry on a whim—’
‘I did not marry on a whim!’
‘You married in the dark, in haste. Were you already bearing his child?’
‘No!’
‘You were prepared to deny your daughter’s birthright, not for great reasons of State, but because you want to keep her. Theodora, I think you had better tell me what you are, because I have no idea. Are you a princess or a peasant?’
Chapter Fifteen
‘Are you a princess or a peasant?’
For a moment Theodora was struck dumb, there were so many words piled up inside her, so many emotions fighting for expression. ‘That’s a loathsome question,’ she managed, swallowing down a mouthful of bile. Calm, I can be calm. I can control what I am feeling, I have had years of practice. I am a princess, and I will not be sent to Larissa. Nikolaos shrugged and turned away, but not before she had seen a muscle working in his jaw. Like her, he was clenching his fists so tightly, she could see white. He was rigid with anger. An anger that surely must match hers?
He is goading me. Why?
He wants to send me away. Why?
While she struggled for calm, she watched him. Those warrior’s shoulders were filled with tension. She heard him swallow. Walking round him, Theodora put her hand on his chest, she might as well have touched a rock. He did not look at her, he did not move.
‘Nikolaos?’
He grunted. Theodora took it as a sign he was at least listening to her.
‘Nikolaos, I have no wish to go to Larissa unless you are with me, I would like us to have a real marriage. I am sorry I had to deceive you—you already know the reasons for that. I will do my best to make amends.’ She lightened her tone. ‘And as for your question, I am neither a princess nor a peasant. I am a mother. Motherhood transcends all else. Except...’ reaching up, she cupped his cheek in her palm ‘...what I feel for you. I do love you, don’t shut me out of your life.’
Theodora had misled him before, but the need for evasions was gone. It was uncomfortable admitting her vulnerability to him; love made her vulnerable, but it was a relief to be able to give him the truth. The urge to touch his heart overrode fear. My love for Nikolaos equals my love for Martina. Naturally, it was not the same kind of love, but it was equally powerful, equally irresistible.
It struck her that convincing Nikolaos she loved him might be as hard a battle as the one she was fighting to keep Martina. She would need to take this step by step, but she would win him, just as she would win the battle to keep Martina.
He looked down at her, eyes wary. Unconvinced. ‘I can’t trust you.’
; ‘Do not send me away.’ It went against the grain to beg—Theodora had never begged for anything in her life. However, she could not think how else to convince him that what she felt for him was true. ‘Give me a chance to prove you can trust me.’
The muscle twitched in his cheek and he said nothing. Theodora waited. Light was pouring through the arched windows, bright splashes fell on the mosaic walls and floor. Red tiles glittered, golds, greens... Theodora could not understand it, but in that moment the tessellated scenes on the floor and walls no longer sparkled with the rich, intricate beauty she had always admired. Today they looked vulgar and gaudy, they were crude simplifications of the subtleties of creation.
I love him.
‘Trust has to be earned,’ he said.
She drew a deep breath. ‘I accept I have to earn your trust. I shall go to Larissa with your mother. At the least I would have your promise that you will not surrender Martina to the State, or to Rascia. Let her come to Larissa with me, as my daughter.’
Dark eyes watched her, unblinking. ‘Very well, you may take our daughter with you to Larissa.’
Relief rushed through her like a tidal wave, it was so powerful she almost staggered. He would allow her to keep Martina! And by saying ‘our daughter’, he was reiterating what he had said the day before, that he accepted Martina as his. Martina was not to be bartered like so much silk.
Theodora felt like hugging him, but his expression—aloof, unapproachable—held her at bay. She was not wrong about Nikolaos, she knew it. Under that bluff, soldier’s demeanour, there was a kind and generous man. And he did love her, she was sure of it. Only there was some impediment in his mind, some reason he could not admit to love.
He is shielding himself from hurt. Someone he loves has hurt him and he thinks to protect himself from further hurt by denying he loves me.
His mother! The key to Niko’s reluctance to love her lay in his relationship with his mother... If matters could be resolved between Nikolaos and Lady Verina, there would be hope for Theodora’s future as his wife. First, however, her daughter’s place in the world must be assured.
Betrothed to the Barbarian Page 24