by Sandi Ward
While she is not dark and beautiful like Mother, there is something kind of adorable about Charlotte.
When my siblings walk in, Charlotte straightens up. Finn sits between her and Father on the floor.
Charlotte compliments Mary on her hair. Mary beams in response. They tell Father about their supper. Suddenly realizing what time it is, Father apologizes for not offering Charlotte any food.
“We have sliced ham,” Jimmy offers, sincerely. “I could make you a sandwich.”
When Charlotte declines, Father asks Jimmy if he could take Finn upstairs for a while. Jimmy gives Father a look while lifting Finn out of his arms.
Jimmy has seen the card on the floor with the heart on it.
If they were alone, I think Jimmy would make a joke about this situation. But since Charlotte is right there, he bites his tongue and just says, “Have a nice night,” as he carries the baby upstairs.
Charlotte floats into the kitchen and pours a glass of lemonade. When she comes back to the living room, she clicks off the light switch, so the only light in the room pours in the window from the outside front door light.
Father has totally forgotten to make a fire, but it doesn’t matter. The room seems plenty warm. He has turned up the heat for once.
They share the lemonade, drinking in turns from the same glass.
Once the glass is safely on the coffee table, Charlotte turns back to Father and throws herself on him with such enthusiasm that I scamper a few feet away. Father leans back to lie down on the floor, and he pulls her so she is lying on top of him, right on the baby blanket, his hand on her rump. Charlotte kisses him while moving her hands over every part of him she was only able to look at before: his arms, his shoulders, his hair. Her fingers trace a vein in his neck and touch his ear. Every inch of him interests her. They lie there for a while, and I start to drift off.
Suddenly, Charlotte lifts herself up. She says she forgot about Father’s injuries and she’s afraid she is putting pressure on his ribs and hurting him. He protests that he is fine, that his ribs are bruised but not broken. Father tells her he finally decided to take some medicine to help with the pain.
Straddling him, she won’t lean back down to kiss him, no matter how he vouches for his lack of pain. Father relaxes and studies her.
Charlotte pushes his shirt up to his armpits and looks at his left side, purple and yellow from healing bruises. She frowns at his injuries. She pulls his shirt back down, smoothing it gently with her fingers.
Charlotte puts her head down carefully on his chest, away from his bruises and just over his heart. Father closes his eyes and plays with her hair, running a hand through the soft waves. They are very quiet.
They are still lying there when I hear footsteps on the stairs, and I know from the heavy thumps it is Jimmy. His hand squeaks against the banister as he stops himself short in the middle of the stairs. Perhaps when he noticed the living room light was off he decided he’d better speak first before coming down.
“Dad?”
Father picks his head up a bit. “Yeah?”
“I just got a weird call from Ma,” Jimmy says, not moving from his spot on the stairs. I feel my ears instinctively twitch when I hear her name.
Now Charlotte lifts her head.
“What about?” Father asks.
“She wants to know if we can come visit this weekend. Stay overnight. And bring Finn too.”
Father looks at Charlotte.
There is a long pause. I’m sure the idea makes him very nervous. I know the idea makes me very nervous.
Mother hasn’t spent a lot of time with Finn. Will she be able to meet his needs? He is still small and vulnerable. I wonder if she might feed him the wrong foods, or put him down to sleep at the wrong times.
Even worse, she might ignore his cries. It is a terrible thing to say, but it did happen once before. Or if he does something naughty, she might get agitated and frustrated.
I have to assume that with Robert, Jimmy, and Mary nearby, however, these situations would turn out okay. Jimmy can take care of that baby just fine, if needed.
I think it is more likely that it will all come back to Mother, a mothering instinct that is stronger than any distractions. But what then?
What if she cuddles Finn and realizes she cannot let him go?
Or what if she takes him out and does not come back?
I suppose these risks flash through Father’s mind as he lies on the floor. But just as there are risks, there are benefits.
If the three children go to visit Mother, then Father could have the house all to himself. He has no privacy when his children are here.
And the children have been missing Mother in a terribly intense way. They have been waiting a very long time for an opportunity like this one.
Father catches my eye. I wink in agreement, giving him my blessing. They will go. They will be safe. Then they will come back. Right?
Father tells Jimmy that if he and Mary agree they want to go, then they can go. He puts his head back down on the floor and squeezes Charlotte tight against him.
Father and Charlotte should enjoy it now, because this is the easy part.
I know that in the cold light of day, tomorrow and the tomorrow after that, this may not all look so easy.
21
New Flannel Sheets
There is a sweet smell of salt in the air.
Fog rolls past our windows, floating in from the shore. The snow is melting, and things are finally thawing out.
When I sit on the windowsill, I can look up and see that in the steady afternoon sun, the icicles hanging from the gutters are dripping and receding. Jasper is starting to shed his winter fur, and it’s all over the house, brown hairs sticking to the couch and gathering in corners.
In the hallway by the front door, Father holds Finn tight, up against his shoulder. He won’t hand the baby over to Jimmy until they’ve gone over several things.
“I don’t want him ever left alone in a room,” Father says.
Jimmy nods.
“If you leave the room, even just to go to the bathroom, remind your ma that she has to watch him,” Father continues. “I don’t want her taking him anywhere in the car without Robert. Robert has to go too, if they take him out.”
Jimmy assures Father that he has babysat Finn many times and he knows what to do. He promises Father that he will call or text if there are any problems.
But Father won’t drop it: “You know what to look for, right? You’re old enough to know. If things aren’t right. I wouldn’t let you go if you weren’t old enough to—”
“Pops. It’s fine. I’ll know if Ma isn’t feeling well. She’s not going to drop him on his head. She never dropped me on my head.” He pauses, biting his lip. “Unless there’s something you’re not telling me.”
Father sighs and gives Jimmy a small smile. He still hesitates.
As they stand there, I notice Jimmy’s hand sliding up to rest on his opposite arm, right over the scar that is hidden by the sleeve of his shirt. “Pops,” he says, almost in a whisper. “If something is off, I’ll know. Trust me, I’ll know.”
“Nothing can happen to him,” Father repeats, almost to himself. “If she’s not acting quite right—”
“I know.”
Father nods and hands Finn over to Jimmy. They all go out to the car, with two small bags and Finn’s baby bag.
Father is back, alone, half an hour later.
After Father returns, he sits in the living room armchair. He just sits, not turning on the television and not reading a book. For a long while, he stares down at the old, faded rug. I can see the worry in the lines of his face. I jump up to sit in his lap. He pats my head while lost in thought, his eyes glazed over.
It will be fine, I try to communicate to him, a deep purr erupting from my chest. Jimmy and Mary know how to take care of Finn. They do it all the time. They carry that baby around everywhere. Finn is always getting a ride to the different rooms of the hous
e, squealing and chattering, perfectly content. Eventually I feel Father’s muscles relax in his legs and hand.
Charlotte arrives with a big smile soon after my siblings leave, very happy to be here at week’s end. I think she looks pretty in her pink T-shirt. Spring is coming, and this is the first time I have ever seen Charlotte wear a short-sleeve shirt. The skin on her arms is pale and lightly freckled. Father’s mood instantly brightens. She and Father go out for several hours. I take a nice noontime nap on the couch and then slink upstairs to take an early afternoon nap up on the bed. The house is silent and serene.
The minute I jump up on the bed, a new scent tickles my nose. I remember that there are new sheets under Mother’s old comforter.
Last night, Father and Sean went out. When they came back, they had new flannel sheets for Father’s bed. He and Sean took everything out of the packaging and had a drink while waiting for the sheets to wash and dry.
Father has finally figured out how to use the washing machine without creating way too many suds.
I don’t think Father had laundered the old sheets for many, many weeks. Possibly months.
Then Sean helped him put the new sheets on properly. Sean only had one working arm. The other was in a sling. But he did his best.
The first time they tried to put on the bottom sheet, it didn’t fit. Sean asked Father if they bought the right size, and he swore they did. Then they realized they just had it stretched out the wrong way.
Neither one is a genius with bedding.
These new sheets are blue and cozy. So now it doesn’t smell so much like Mother anymore. But the soft comforter is still here. I bury my nose in that for a while.
Father and Charlotte come back before supper, and I hear them downstairs taking off boots and coats and shaking off the cold. It would not be an exaggeration to say that Father has Charlotte up in our bedroom within ten minutes of their entering the house. The crutches do not slow him down on the stairs on this particular afternoon.
Charlotte climbs onto the bed with me, and Father stands at the foot of the bed, placing his crutches on the floor. He pulls his shirt off, over his head, and throws it on the floor. If his bruises hurt him, he is not showing it now.
Charlotte smiles and claps, like a child who is about to get a treat.
I told you she is a little silly.
Father looks at her blankly for a moment, not knowing what he has done to earn her applause. A smile widens across his face as he sees she is just very excited. Then he laughs.
He now carefully considers Charlotte on the bed, still for a moment. He is thinking about the best approach, like a cat stalking his prey. Finally, he crawls across the bed to her, eyes alert and muscles tense.
I assume he feels he must amaze her now with his mating abilities.
Charlotte beams at him. She is so, so delighted and cannot wait.
Regardless of his prowess, keep in mind that Father must impress Charlotte while wearing a bright green cast on one leg from the knee down. No disrespect to Father, but I find it a little bit amusing.
She shivers involuntarily when he gets very close. When his mouth is almost to hers, he pauses. Just to tease her, I think. To make her wait.
“Lay down with me,” he whispers to her.
I jump off the bed, trying to avoid getting shoved accidentally onto the floor. I know the drill.
I lie on the floor by the window where I can’t really see them. I hope Charlotte is satisfied with his performance.
Judging from what I hear, she is pleased. She says his name many times, as if she is calling him to her, but he is already right there with her. No man could be immune to that sort of flattery.
They are in bed the rest of the afternoon and evening. At one point Jasper comes scampering up the stairs, his claws scratching against the wood floor. Father gets dressed and takes him outside for a minute. Charlotte comes downstairs, and they have a small bite to eat. They watch the television for a short while. I meow, and this time Charlotte feeds me, for the first time. She knows where the cat food is kept now, on a low pantry shelf.
This must be love, if he is sharing with her where he keeps my cat food.
In the morning, Father sits up suddenly as he wakes, naked and disoriented. He looks around the room as if he is quite confused. I lie by his feet. Charlotte sees his reaction and puts a hand on his shoulder. He collapses back down by her side, throwing his arm and a leg over her. He gathers her in and holds her gently, his face up against her ear. He whispers things to her. She closes her eyes and listens.
At breakfast, they both seem tired out. I slink under their legs and rub against their ankles.
Today my siblings are coming back, which probably makes Father a little anxious. He is not as relaxed as the day before.
I wonder what Charlotte thinks of all this.
I imagine Charlotte isn’t sure if this is okay, this whole situation. She must wonder if she can truly love him. Father is strong and dependable, and she is attracted to him, but is that enough? He is burdened with many children, like a lion who already has a pride, and maybe she’d rather start new with a pride of her own. He has a difficult job, with strange hours, where he can get injured, as we all have been reminded. He could invite Charlotte to live in this big house with him, but it isn’t clean and it isn’t new, and I don’t know what else he can offer her. Certainly not his sparkling conversation. Charlotte wears clothes that are silkier and finer than anything Mother ever wore. Perhaps they don’t even like to do the same things outside of working with Finn.
These are unanswered questions that I imagine go through her mind.
Father goes out to pick up the children, and Charlotte waits here with me and Not a Cat. She showers and gets dressed and flits from room to room, looking over the whole house. She is thinking, thinking, thinking. Father is gone for quite a while.
When they get back, my siblings are happy to see that Charlotte is here. This has been a big weekend for all of us, in many ways.
Finn is wearing a new child-sized hat with a B on it, probably a gift from Mother or Robert. He looks very cute, a few white-blond, silky strands of hair sticking out from under the sides of the hat. I have to say he looks no worse for wear after being gone one night.
Jimmy and Mary take Finn upstairs. It’s hard for Father to carry the baby anywhere with those crutches, although I’ve seen him tuck Finn under one arm and walk with just one crutch under his other arm. You do what you’ve got to do.
Father and Charlotte stand just under the stairs, Father holding Charlotte in his arms, and they talk quietly. She wants to know why he was gone so long.
He tells her he just wanted to hear all about how the weekend went. He needed to see where the baby slept and make sure everything had been good and safe.
I am not sure Charlotte fully understands why Father would be nervous about the children visiting Mother. She may not know how Mother treated Jimmy sometimes. She may not know about all of the things Mother did that made Father anxious.
And I believe Charlotte is afraid that he still loves Mother. I have to tell you that in my opinion, yes, he does still love Mother. He will always love her. She was the love of his life. And she is the mother of his children.
But I don’t think he is in love with her anymore.
I can see from the way he studies Charlotte that Mother isn’t on his mind right now. Father smiles at Charlotte. He tells her he had a great weekend and kisses her cheek and then her neck, burying his face there.
He is marking his new territory, putting his scent on her so other men will know she is off limits. I give him some privacy.
I scamper upstairs to see how Jimmy is doing. It was a peaceful weekend, yet I missed my siblings terribly. So did Jasper, who is so excited that he runs up the stairs and leaps onto Jimmy’s bed, where he usually never goes. He now is yipping his head off because he can’t get down from the bed.
“Shut up, for the love of Christ!” Jimmy barks back at him. He lif
ts Jasper and places him on the floor. “God, Jasper, you are so small. Where does all of that hellish noise come from?” Jasper runs out to find Mary.
Jimmy closes his door and phones Aruna. “Hey, sweetie,” he says to her. He sits on the bed next to me and runs one hand down my back. He pets me too hard, but I let him get away with it. Just because I missed him.
“Yeah.” He sighs. “It was fine. I had a good time. It was surprisingly normal.” It seems that Aruna has forgiven him for his mistakes. “Yeah, I missed you too.” He listens. “Mary? I think she had a good time. But yeah, she seems a little down. It’s like, maybe if the winter would just get over with already we’d all feel better. I need some sun. I need the beach. We’re going to have a great time this summer. I can’t wait.”
Aruna must be making a suggestion, because Jimmy cocks his head while listening.
“Hmmmm . . . that sounds like a good idea. A really good idea. I like it!”
Jimmy absentmindedly fluffs up the fur on my big stomach while pausing for a moment. There is a sparkle in his eye, which lets me know he likes whatever it is Aruna is saying to him.
“You see,” he replies, “that’s why I love you.” He closes his eyes, and I hear Aruna squeal something in the background. A big grin spreads across his face. “Yeah, I love you. What did you think?” His eyes pop open as he listens. “It was the chocolate that tipped you off, wasn’t it?” She says something, and he laughs.
“Yeah, let’s have a big date next weekend,” he continues. “Make up for lost time. I can’t wait. So, speaking of dates, Charlotte is here. Oh my God. Can you believe that? My crazy dad?” Jimmy looks at me and ruffles the fur on my head. He winks at me. “I know. I know. It’s, like, so crazy. So guess who is right here with me?” He pauses as she takes a guess. “That’s right! Big Fat Crookshanks! Aruna says hello to you, Boo.”
Huh? I still don’t get why that’s funny.
“Okay, sweetie, I’ll see you on Tuesday. I gotta go with my dad to Finn’s appointment tomorrow. Yeah, Boston Children’s Hospital. Okay. Good-bye. Bye-bye. No, I can’t. Okay, bye. Sweetie, no. Bye, sweetie.”