“What the hell are you talking about?”
Jack snorted. “You don’t need to pretend. He’s an eligible bachelor. A military man. I know you’re physically and romantically interested in him, you two spent the night together.”
“This is none of your business.” I rose behind the desk.
He put out his palms to placate me, but it didn’t do much to quash the anger in my gut. How dare he come in here to talk to me about personal shit like this? And he’d winked at me too. My mind was all over the place thanks to this conversation.
“I’m not trying to pry. Ryan was my – he was my best friend,” he said, and for a second a hint of sincerity crept into his tone.
I lowered myself into the squeaky, uncomfortable receptionist’s chair again. I didn’t know much about Ryan and I did want to know more, despite his weird and ever-changing attitude. Baker reminded me of that Katy Perry Hot n’ Cold song.
“He’s not your best friend anymore?” I asked.
“Not really. Well, we’re friends, right, but we’re soldiers first. I guess, he’s just not the man I used to know.”
“Why?” I couldn’t help myself. I was in a desert, thirsty for information, and Jack had control over the oasis.
“He was normal before he was deployed,” Jack said. “A regular soldier. I wasn’t happy we were separated but what could I do, right? And then he came back from Iraq and it wasn’t the same anymore. He was a broken man.”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to think of what he might’ve seen out there. My father had served and been in action, but he never came home ‘broken’ per say. He had PTSD, he got help, and he suffered, but he survived.
Ryan must’ve experienced something terrible to be ‘broken.’ Was it right for me to ask what that was? I shifted. “Perhaps, it’s better if we don’t –”
“You see, Ryan was in charge of men out there. He was a commander,” Jack continued, and ignored the look of horror twisting my features. It wasn’t right to talk about this. “But he made a bad decision and he ended up getting them killed.”
“No.” I pushed my chair back.
“Yeah. He was the only survivor. He hasn’t recovered from it since,” Jack said. “To make matters worse, there was an investigation into his behavior, whether he compromised the troops willfully or not. Naturally, he didn’t, but the review took it out of him.”
Silence fell and I shifted my gaze away from Jack. I didn’t want this conversation to continue. This was private information. He could keep his oasis, the lake, the camels and whatever else he had.
“He can’t be in a relationship,” Whitmore said. “He’s not ready. I know he’s slept with you, and I thought you ought to know that he doesn’t get feelings. He won’t ever be capable of loving you. He’s fucked in the head.”
“Get out,” I said, and glared at him. “Get out of my office, right now.”
“Don’t take it like that,” Jack said. “He’s using you. That’s all I wanted you to know, okay?”
Here I’d thought Whitmore had a spine. That he actually wanted to help his ‘friend.’ “Leave now, before I call –”
“Relax, I’m going. I didn’t expect you to take it this way.” He got up and sauntered to the exit, oozing swagger which made me gag. God, had Paula actually slept with this creature? I had to phone her and warn her about him. “I just wanted you to be prepared for the heart break. I thought it would be fair on you.”
I didn’t answer.
“After all, there are plenty of men on this base who would treat you right.” He gave me another wink, then left my office.
The door stayed open after his departure and I didn’t have the constitution to get up and close it. I trembled, a mixture of fury and sorrow.
It made sense that Ryan would be distant, now. I didn’t want to believe Jack, since he clearly had an agenda, but it added up. Ryan didn’t want to get emotionally involved, but he sure enjoyed the physical aspect of our ‘relationship.’
But was he using me?
“Stop it,” I whispered. “Don’t listen to that asshole.” I focused on my portfolio, but the swatches of fabric blurred together. I couldn’t pick out colors let alone patterns with this crap on my mind.
I didn’t come out here to obsess over a man! I came out here to find liberation from Meek Springs and my own uncertainty.
Two sharp knocks on my door and I sat bolt upright again. Shit, was he back?
Ryan leaned against the jamb and gave me an easy smile. “Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” I replied, “friend.”
Baker’s smiled turned upside down. “Yeah, about that –”
“There’s nothing you have to tell me. No excuses you have to make,” I said. “I don’t want to hear them, anyway. I know why I’m here and it’s not for… you know.” I couldn’t verbalize it properly, but he had to grasp my meaning.
I paged through my portfolio, absently.
“How’s work going?” he asked. Great segue, Ryan, real great.
“It’s interesting.”
“How so?”
“Just a lot of different color schemes to choose from.” I sighed and kneaded my forehead. I couldn’t rub my eyes without messing up the makeup I’d painstakingly applied in front of the tiny mirror in the bathroom this morning.
“You look like you could use a break. Why don’t we go grab a bite? It’s just about lunch time,” he said. “I hear we’re having Mac n’ Cheese today.”
“You had me at ‘Mac.’ I could eat a horse,” I said.
He laughed. He actually laughed. God, had Baker decided to lighten up? I grabbed my jacket off the back of the chair, slipped it on, then walked over to him.
Ryan placed his hand in the small of my back, a light touch to guide me from the room, and every cell in my body practically burst into flame. I couldn’t afford to become emotionally involved – whoops, too late – and I certainly couldn’t risk touching him again if I planned on preserving my sanity here.
I stepped out of his reach, ignoring the swell of desire. “Let’s go.”
Chapter 14
Ryan
“So about that friend thing,” I said, and stuck a fork in my Mac n’ Cheese.
“I said we don’t have to talk about it. I’ve got all the interior decorating stuff to worry about,” she said, and gobbled down some food.
The officer’s mess hall was quiet. Not many folks came down for lunch. They’d either skip or eat something at their desk while they worked. We had the room to ourselves, for now, and the wide windows looked out on the base and the gathering clouds.
It was a pretty miserable day - no outdoor exercises or tests to speak of.
We ate in silence for a bit, and I enjoyed the smooth creamy cheese. The base was shades of gray, but the food definitely didn’t match the atmosphere. Marcel, our chef, worked wonders with the army rations he was given.
I don’t think of you as just a friend,” I said. Fuck, it was difficult for me to open up. “I don’t know what I think of you as.”
She kept eating and looked out of the window.
“It’s more than just -”
“You’ve been hurt in the past and I’m an easy target. I get it,” she said. “I get that you just want physical stuff. That’s fine.”
“What?”
“It’s fine,” she said, and gestured with her fork. A bit of macaroni plopped off and landed back in her bowl. “I like the physical stuff too. I don’t know what you think of me. Like, you know how I feel about Meek Springs and I don’t want you thinking I see you as some weird, pseudo-way out of this place. That’s not it at all.”
“You’re making a whole lot of assumptions. I’m struggling to keep up,” I said.
“I’m just not interested in drama, I guess. I get enough of that at home.” She ate more of her lunch, then grabbed her water and glugged that back. “I have to make this project a success.”
“I know. I’m not going to get in the way of that.”
She shrugged.
Was that what she thought? That I’d ruin this opportunity for her? I wasn’t that guy. I wasn’t any kind of guy at the moment. Just one who’d gone too far with a woman who threatened my entire sense of self. Oh fucking well, right?
“I’m going to need to get more stuff from town,” she said. “Shit, I feel really bad about it. I know we went in the other day but I didn’t think.”
“It’s no problem. Jack’s going to have to do a supply run tomorrow, anyway. I ‘ll go along and get what you need. What is it?”
“Just some stuff from the store. I left a few of my portfolios there and I know there’s a few fabric swatches in there that might suit what I have planned for this place. I’m thinking teals and greens, perhaps. Cream too.”
“Interesting.”
“Anything but gray, right.”
“Anything but gray,” I confirmed. Anything to make my soldier’s lives easier, happier, more efficient. “Well, I’ll head in tomorrow. Just give me a list of the things you need from the store and I’ll collect it for you.”
“Ugh, my mom has the key.”
“I’ll collect that too,” I said.
“Are you sure? She’s a piece of work.”
“I’m sure I’ve encountered worse,” I replied. It would take more than an overbearing parent to scare me off. All that scared me were the inappropriate questions and stares from the woman, and that was more mild discomfort than actual fear.
We finished our meal in silence, and I took hers through to the tray drop off, then returned to the table. “There’s choc pudding.”
“Nah, I’m pretty full. I have to get back to the office.” She rose and I followed her out of the mess hall and down the corridor.
This time the quiet was awkward. I was a puppy dog following behind her. Man, when had I become this pathetic? I was a Lieutenant Commander with people beneath me, but I couldn’t get this nineteen year old out of my head.
We halted in front of her door, and she cleared her throat, checking her watch.
“So, remember to email me that list. Or heck, write it down and give it to me,” I said.
“Yeah, I will do.”
“I - uh, yeah.” I stuck my hands in my pockets and looked both ways up and down the hall. Fuck, why was this so weird?
“You didn’t have to walk me back,” she said, and licked her lips. “I’m not completely hopeless, you know.”
“Wouldn’t want you to get lost. I know what it’s like, first time on a big base, lots of corridors and not that many signs.”
“Yeah, well, the mess hall is right around the corner.” She unlocked her office door and entered. “I think I would’ve found it on my own.”
“Sue me. I wanted to spend a little time with you.” And now, I’d become the master of cheese. I didn’t know how to handle this situation. It was either be gruff and detached, or be too much and obsequious. I didn’t like either.
I couldn’t find a way to be myself again.
“Just stop, Ryan. It’s okay.”
I moved quickly. Grasped the back of her head. Pulled her into a kiss and parted her lips. Tasted her mouth.
She collapsed against me, put her hands to my chest and pushed back. “I don’t want to be confused anymore,” she said, her lips glistening. “If it’s just physical, say so.”
She wanted me to say it was physical and only that. Maybe, she needed a way out too. I’d given her plenty of mixed messages because I couldn’t handle my shit around her. It was time to give her some clarity.
“It’s just physical,” I lied. “Let’s keep it that way.”
“Good,” she replied, and the tension seeped from her. She was relieved it was just physical.
I kicked the office door shut, reached back and locked it. We stared at each other, heat building between us, swirling, threatening to break me. Just that long, hot stare and I’d already cultivated a boner.
Chanel looked down at my pants, a tiny smirk torturing me. She undid my belt, then unzipped my pants, reached inside and brought out my dick.
“If it’s just physical…” She dropped to her knees in front of me.
“No - wait. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t -”
She closed her mouth around the head of my dick and my eyes rolled back. Fuck, that was amazing. How could I say ‘no’ to this? If it was what she really wanted, then why should I?
Chanel flicked her tongue across that sweet, sensitive spot beneath my tip, and made an appreciative slurping noise. She moaned, then sat back. “Good?”
I brushed my fingers through her hair. “Unbelievable.”
She grinned at me, then spat into her hand and wrapped it around my shaft. She took me into the warmth of her mouth again, and worked my dick.
I pumped with her movements, and clutched a handful of her hair.
She gagged, then giggled around my cock, and continued slurping, licking, building my pleasure.
I’d lose control if this continued, pound into her mouth and release everything I had. Maybe she wanted that too. “Fuck,” I said.
She pulled back. “Good idea.” Chanel lay back on the carpet and hiked up her skirt, exposing her wet, swollen lips to me. “I forgot to pack underwear,” she said, and laughed. “Guess, that comes in handy now.”
“Good God, you’re beautiful,” I said, and tracked my gaze over her body. Partially clothed and she had me begging for more. I sank to my knees in front of her, my dick bounced, hungry for more of her, dripping now with pre-cum rather than her spit.
She reached between her legs, collected her own juices and moved them over her clit. “Oh yeah,” she hissed, and circled it. She bucked upward and squeezed her eyes shut.
I was mesmerized by her. The soft gasps, hip movements, her breasts heaving, and that moist center, desperate for my touch. I could give her what she needed. What she needed was me.
“Please,” she whimpered.
“I love it when you say that.”
“Please,” she repeated. “I need to feel you. Give me what I want, Ryan.”
I shifted her hand of the way and crawled up her body, pausing to nuzzle her breasts. She didn’t have a bra on either and I sucked her nipples through the silk of her blouse. The taste of fabric and the hardness of that nub in my mouth took me to fucking nirvana.
Chanel took me by the chin and tugged. “Up here.”
I followed her order - doing that was what I did best - and met her gaze. Desire rolled from her tight, little body. I angled myself so that my dick pressed against her slick entrance.
“I’m going to make the front of your pants wet,” she whispered.
“Good.” I kissed her then, and massaged her tongue with mine. She tasted like heaven, and I groaned into her mouth.
Chanel wrapped her legs around my waist and slapped her hands onto my ass. She applied pressure. “Give it to me,” she demanded, petulant, breathing against my lips. “Now.”
I entered her in one sharp thrust, all the way in, stretching her tightness, spearing myself into her body. I trembled and barely kept from crying out.
Chanel bit her lip hard. We couldn’t make too much noise with everyone indoors within hearing range.
I stroked her hair from her face, kissed her forehead, then the tip of her nose, her eyes. I moved inside her, slow and steady now, deep pumps that made us both crazy.
Chanel placed her hands on my shoulders, then nudged me. I rolled onto my back with her on top, and she sat down hard on my dick, and let out a tiny moan.
“Shh,” I whispered.
A sneaky smile and she circled her hips. She rode me fast, her hands on her breasts and her tongue sticking out the corner of her mouth. “Oh my God,” she whispered.
I placed my hands on her hips and lifted her up, then down again. Up and down, working her on my dick and bringing myself closer to climax.
She played with her clit, stealing our fluids and lubricating herself. “Gonna come,” she mut
tered. “You’re so fucking thick.”
I plunged into her, rammed her down on my dick. “Fuck yes.”
Chanel closed around me, tightening up, a sudden moment of relaxation and then her pulsing orgasm began. She massaged my dick, and that familiar heat built in my core. I held her in place and came inside her, gripping the flesh on her hips, unable to speak. My mouth dropped open and I moaned again.
Chanel’s orgasm finally ended and she lay down on my chest, breathing hard. “Thank you,” she said.
“Thank you.” I wrapped my arms around her, but she sat up, and then stood. The moment had passed, apparently. She was determined to keep things as strictly physical as I’d said they were.
She tugged down her skirt. “I’m going to have to go back to my quarters and clean up.”
“Me too,” I said, and tucked myself away, zipping up. Not that I could move much at this point.
Chanel smiled at me, but folded her arms. “And then I have to work.”
“Yeah. I’ll - uh, I’ll catch up with you later.” I pushed myself into a sitting position. I wanted to say something more, but what was there to say? Telling her I felt something would defeat the purpose of this.
I couldn’t rid myself of the disappointment that she hadn’t wanted to hug or kiss after. Since when had I become this soft? I smiled at her, straightened my shirt, then headed out.
Chapter 15
Chanel
I sat on my bed and took the nail file out of my overnight bag. It’d already been several nights and I didn’t have enough of what I needed to stay here in a relative state of comfort. The confrontation with my mother had cut short any hopes of packing at the house, and now, Ryan would probably meet up with Henrietta Scott and have a similar encounter.
It embarrassed me to the core. It didn’t help that I couldn’t get him out of my thoughts. Today’s session didn’t help me keep things strictly physical for the state of my sanity.
If anything, I wanted more of him. I needed to know him.
“Ugh,” I muttered. I pushed off from the bed and walked to the door, then nudged it shut. I had to talk to somebody about all of this, and I hadn’t caught up with Paula since I’d come to the base. She’d probably chew me out for it.
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