I was allowed to be in love with a woman, even if she was an independent contractor for the base. After all, it wasn’t some weird form of nepotism that had gotten her the job, rather, it was her talents.
“Baker. Are you with me?” Jameson elbowed me out of my fugue.
“Yeah, I’m with you, sorry.” I looked at her again, finally seeing her for the first time since Chanel had left the mess hall. “Jameson, what is it?”
“Man, this is not really any of my business, but you need to go after that girl.”
“What?”
“Go after her and do what you have to do,” she said. “How long have you been doing this, Baker? What are you going to do one day when it’s time to retire and all you’ve got is a uniform and nothing else?”
I didn’t know what to say to that.
“You admired Commander Scott, right?” Jameson asked, her voice low and urgent. “We all did. And he had a wife and family as well as a career. Why can’t you?”
I opened my mouth to argue but nothing came out. She was right. Of course, she was right. Why couldn’t I have everything? I’d held back for so long, I’d forced myself into duty to make up for what happened in the past and where had it gotten me? Here. Demoted because I couldn’t keep focus.
Bottling everything up hadn’t worked. Loving Chanel had opened me to emotion again and now, I’d be hard pressed to shut off that part of my life.
“Baker, I’m not your buddy, I’m your colleague, but I’ve got to step in here and tell you to get your head out of your ass before you lose a woman who truly loves you,” Jameson said. “You dig?”
I nodded once, twice, then scraped my chair back.
The room quieted again. A couple people cleared their throats, but they all stared me down.
“Any of you got something to say to, Baker?” Jameson asked, loudly, and glared around at the men and women in uniform.
One of the men in the back nodded. “Yeah,” he said, and gave me a thumbs up. “Go get her.” A smattering of applause broke out at that, and I tried not to show my surprise.
Damn, if anything I’d expected hisses. Whitmore had made out like the soldiers on this base hated me. I nodded to the man who’d spoken, then marched for the exit, buoyed up by their encouragement.
I hit the empty hall and anxiety clouded in. What if it was too late? What if I reached Chanel and she was fed up with my inability to act when it was crucial? I might’ve missed out on the opportunity to be with the woman I loved because of my own hardheadedness.
And because I’d doubted her. I should never have insinuated that she wasn’t strong enough to handle a life with a partner in the military. That had to have pissed her off.
I walked the empty halls and searched for her, just in case she’d taken a detour. Nothing, empty. She had to be in her room or her office. I headed for her room first.
At last, I was in front of her door, fighting the nerves that tangled with my emotions. I raised a fist and knocked three times. Short raps. Come on. Be in there.
“Who is it?” Chanel’s voice shook.
“It’s me,” I said. “Ryan.”
A beat passed, then the doorknob turned, and there she was. Flawless as she’d been in the mess hall, except her cheeks were streaked with tears, mascara smudged beneath her eyes.
“I’m sorry it took me so long to come.”
“It’s fine,” she said, “I expected that this would happen.”
“What?”
“That you’d come here to reprimand me for making a fool of you in front of the other officers. I shouldn’t have done that, but, you know what? No. I should have done that. I wanted to get it off my chest and I did.”
“Chanel –”
“I know what you’re going to say, Ryan. That it can’t be, that you don’t want to jeopardize my life and your duty and blah, blah, blah, but I’m glad I spoke out. My father would be proud.” She was fiery.
I stepped over the threshold and she backed up a couple steps, giving way only enough to allow me into the room and no more.
“I won’t take any of it back, and I won’t back down again.”
“Chanel –”
“I don’t want to hear it. If you’re here to let me down gently, save your damn breath. I’ve already heard it all from you.”
“Would you just let me –?”
“And if you think that I’m going to let you –”
I grasped the back of her head, pulled her into my arms, and planted a kiss on her lips. It was the only way I could get her to shut up long enough to hear what I had to say.
She melted beneath me, stiffened first, then melted into our kiss. She smelled sweet, like she’d just come out of the shower, and she tasted clear as crisp water.
The kiss warmed me from the inside out. And for the first time since we’d gotten together in that hotel room, I let myself enjoy it fully without even a hint of guilt. I stroked her hair, rolled my hands down her back and circled her waist.
Finally, we broke apart.
“W-what was that?” She asked, and touched two fingers to her lips, red from the pressure.
“A kiss,” I said. “I thought you’d know that by now. Didn’t I do it right? I could try again, maybe slip you a little tongue this time.”
She snorted a laugh. It was so damn good to hear her laugh again. “No, Ryan, I mean why? I thought – you didn’t want to get involved.”
“You didn’t let me say a word before you went on that rampage,” I replied. Oh fuck, this was it. “I didn’t say I don’t want to get involved, Chanel.”
“You – then – what do you want to do? I mean, I don’t know what you want. Like, I’ve tried to talk to you about it but I’m – uh?” She babbled on and it had to be the cutest thing I’d ever witnessed.
“I love you,” I said. “Let’s start with that. I said I was falling for you and that I regretted it, but I don’t. I regret saying that.”
“You regret regretting it?” Chanel asked, and raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah,” I said. “I should never have said that to you. I was a coward. I was afraid of loving you, but I’m not anymore.” Man, it was a buildup of everything. It’d taken her bravery, walking into a room full of soldiers and putting herself out there, for me to see that I had to rise to her level and stop being a little bitch.
“You’re not afraid,” she said. “To be in love? What does this mean?”
“It means that I want to be with you,” I replied. “It means that I’ll have to leave here tomorrow, but I want you to come to Hawaii with me when you’re done here.”
“Just like that?” she asked, and folded her arms across those perfect breasts. “Just like that you want me to follow you to Hawaii?”
“You want that, don’t you?” Shit, had I missed my shot with her after all? Had I officially fucked this up for good? “Don’t you?”
“I do,” she said.
I exhaled.
“But I still don’t believe that you’re serious about this. I – I’m sorry, I know this will sound mean, but you’ve given me plenty of reasons to believe that you’ll leave me behind for good. I – what if you change your mind again?”
Fuck, she was right. I had given her plenty of reasons to doubt me, to believe that I’d leave her for duty and career. That had to end. And I’d already figured the perfect way to prove my love to her.
I stepped up close again and took both her hands. “I would’ve been floating along without you, Chanel. I would’ve been nothing but a shell of the man I wanted to be. Hollow on the inside. You made me whole.”
She gulped, squeezed my hands. “You don’t have to say that.”
“I’m not just saying that.” I kissed her forehead, then focused on her again. “I love you with everything I have. You’ve changed me, even though I was too damn stubborn to admit it, even to myself. If I can’t have you, I don’t want to have anything at all.”
Tears welled in the corners of her eyes. One spilled onto h
er cheek and I leaned in and kissed it with my lips, tasting her salty release.
“I want to be the man that makes you happy,” I said. “And I want you to be able to trust that I’m not going to change my mind.”
“Okay,” she whispered.
“Chanel.” My heart thudded in my chest. I lowered myself to one knee in front of her. “Will you be my wife?”
She shuddered a gasp and swayed on the spot. “Are you serious?”
“Yes,” I said. “I know I don’t have a ring, right now, but once I’ve moved I’ll buy one, and the minute you’re in Hawaii I’ll put it on your finger. I can’t picture another minute without you in my life. The past two weeks have been Hell for me. I want nothing more than to be with you. To be your man. Will you marry me?”
“Yes,” she whimpered. “Yes, I will.” She dragged me up from the carpet and threw her arms around my neck, peppering my face with kisses. “Yes. Forever. Yes!”
Elation bubbled through me and dissolved the fear, chipping away at the already cracked wall inside my soul.
I lifted her in my arms and kissed her, another soul-searing embrace, then walked her over to the bed. “My fiancé,” I said.
“I love you,” she replied.
We fell onto the bed together, giggling, and her half-weeping from the joy of it all. Tomorrow I’d leave, but next month, next year, forever? Chanel and I would be one. And that was all that mattered to me.
Epilogue
We didn’t get to spend too much time on Hawaii’s white sand beaches together, but today was the exception. Today was our day, and Paula’s too, though she was only interested in sunbathing at the moment, with the soft lap of waves on the shore for company.
I didn’t blame her. She got less holiday than Ryan did, and I loved it that my friend had come out to spend time with me the minute she got the chance.
“You’re smiling,” Ryan said, and squeezed my hand.
I dug my bare toes into the warm sand. “I’ve been smiling ever since I moved here,” I said. “I get to be with you, Ryan. Why wouldn’t I smile?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” he said. “I’ve heard so many rumors about women freaking out during this process.” He looked out over the ocean blue, and smiled himself.
A soft breeze tangled my hair and I rested my head against his shoulder. “What process? The moving is done. Living on post is pretty much a blast,” I said. Though, some of the other wives could be a little nosy at times.
I’d already been commissioned to spruce up the insides of quite a few of the homes. The women on Oahu loved my style and pictures of my portfolio had pretty much gone viral – if it could be called that – on the Hawaii Military Wives Facebook page.
I had business coming out of my ears if I wanted it, and more from the Navy itself. Everything had gone well so far, but my insides clenched with nerves. Not cold feet. No, this was something else entirely.
“Ryan?” I tugged on his arm and he turned back to me again.
He kissed my forehead, then raised my left hand in his and tapped the engagement ring on my finger. “This process. Preparing for the wedding.”
“Oh, that? No, I’m fine with that. I didn’t want anything huge, anyway,” I said. “And I’ve got my little helper to put to work when the time is right.” I nodded to Paula, who’d taken up residence on a beach chair under a floral umbrella.
“If you can drag her away,” Ryan replied, laughing.
“Hmm, that might be a challenge. But she’s so excited for the wedding,” I said. “Are you sure it’s not too soon? I don’t want to make you feel pressured.”
“Make me feel pressured?” Ryan laughed. “Chanel, I was the one who asked you, remember? The sooner we get married, the happier I’ll be. Trust me, this can’t come quickly enough.” He lowered his voice and drew me close, gaze hot, now. “I can’t wait to make love to you once you’re Mrs. Baker. Officially my wife. Mine for the rest of our lives.”
“I can’t wait either,” I breathed, and brushed my lips over his.
He pulled me tight to his chest and deepened the kiss. His fingers tangled in my hair, and his heart beat against mine. God, every minute with him was precious. Every second. He hadn’t been deployed yet, but that day would eventually come and I would have to get used to it.
We broke apart and I ran my hands up his torso, bringing them to rest on his broad shoulders. “Only two weeks. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe I’ll be Mrs. Baker.” I sighed. “I feel like it’s impossible that I’m this happy.”
“It’s not. I’m this happy too,” Ryan replied, and grinned at me. Every day we spent together saw him lose his inhibitions. At first, it’d started with stories about his time out in the sands, then progressed to him telling jokes, laughing, letting go of all the formal ticks he had back in Meek Springs.
The glimpses of the man I’d seen underneath the façade, the one I’d fallen for, had come into full view. Vistas of Ryan Baker, and now with me included.
Finally, he could relax and I could talk to him about everything we’d held back from each other. The connection we had had only strengthened over time.
“I have a question,” Ryan said, and tucked my hair behind my ear.
“Shoot.”
“You’ve been acting differently the last few days. Is there any particular reason for that? Cold feet?”
“What?!” I blinked at him. “Of course not. I want to marry you more than I want anything.”
“Okay,’ he said, but the uncertainty remained. “You’ve just seemed a little distant. And you’ve been spending a lot of time in the bathroom.”
“I like long bubble baths,” I said, but I couldn’t hide the blush that crept up my throat. A patchwork which exposed my lie. I’d wanted to wait longer than this before telling him the truth. I’d figured it could wait until after the wedding or… gawd, I didn’t have any real plan here.
“Okay, now I know something’s up.” He took a step back and tilted his head to the side, a frown wrinkling his brow. “What’s going on?”
“I – I didn’t want it to come out like this,” I said, and looked around.
The white sandy beach was backed by a row of palm trees behind us, and the ocean in front. It was peaceful, though a cabana in the distance brought a little energy to the setting. Music drifted across, even now, an hour before noon.
“Chanel, talk to me. We’re going to be married. Keeping secrets from each other is dangerous.”
That was true – I’d almost lost him because he’d never understood that I could handle the naval stuff, that I could understand his respect for duty. If I’d told him about my father sooner, perhaps things would’ve been different or gone smoother.
“Chanel?”
“Okay, you’re right. I shouldn’t have kept it from you. I didn’t want to put more pressure on you than I already have, and I was afraid it would throw you off at work.” I struggled to bring the words up.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “I think I might know what’s bothering you.”
“What?” My heart skipped at least twenty beats. Good God, why was this so nerve-wrecking? He was my fiancé. I could tell him anything. “You know?”
“I found the letter,” he said. “And I spoke to her on the phone.”
“Huh?”
“Chanel, relax. I know your mother is coming to the wedding,” he said. “I was sure you’d think I wouldn’t approve, but I do. I’m glad that you two are giving each other the chance to straighten things out.”
My mind slued to catch up. That was what he thought I wanted to discuss? God, that made this even more uncomfortable.
“I understand that your mother made life pretty miserable for you, but she won’t have a chance to do that anymore, and it’s a good idea to try reconcile,” he said. “Trust me, I lost my mother and it’s a terrible feeling. I wouldn’t wish that on you and that guilt that would come after if you two didn’t at least try to make things right.”
My jaw drop
ped and I worked to get moisture back into my mouth. “Yeah,” I said, lamely.
“So, you can relax. I don’t hate your mother, and, well, I guess I can’t say she doesn’t hate me yet. We’ll see when she gets here,” he said. “When is she arriving, by the way?”
“A few days before the wedding,” I replied. In fact, I’d been so stressed out about the real issue on my mind I’d totally forgotten to tell him about it. It was sweet that he thought this was my issue, and even sweeter that he wanted to be supportive even though my mom had been super rude to him.
“It’s not like you invited an ex to our wedding,” Ryan said, then sniffed. “Wait a second, you didn’t, right?”
“Of course not!”
Ryan laughed and hugged me again. “Relax, I’m kidding. You’re wound up so damn tight.” He massaged a line up my back and down it to the base of my spine.
I had a choice. I could tell him about the issue or leave it until after the wedding, but chances were he wouldn’t keep quiet if he sensed something was off with me. I couldn’t buy myself two weeks with long bubble baths. And I didn’t want to have to avoid answering questions until then.
It was now or never.
I pulled out of the hug and he held me at arm’s length. “That’s not what’s wrong, is it?” he said.
I shook my head. It was like the Sahara Desert had transported into my mouth.
“Lay it on me,” he said, and folded his arms. “Whatever it is, we’ll deal with it together.”
I swallowed, then forced a smile, then lost it again. “I’m pregnant.”
Ryan’s eyes went round as dinner plate. “You’re what?”
“Pregnant. I found out at the beginning of the week. I – yeah.”
“Are you serious?” Ryan let out a fantastic whoop.
Paula jerked upright in her beach chair and whacked her head against the umbrella. “What the hell? You trying to give me a heart attack?”
“Is it okay?” I asked. “I mean, are you happy?”
“Happy?! Happy! Are you kidding me? This is the best news. Chanel, I can’t think of anything that would make me happier than marrying you and having a baby with you,” he said, and dragged me into another hug. He positively vibrated with joy. “You’re my soul mate, I swear to God.”
Lieutenant Commander Stud Page 22