‘Okay. I’ll see you later.’
I hung up and sighed in relief. She’d been a pig-headed swine about spending a few extra hours under a doctor’s care, but at least she was okay.
I checked behind the shower curtain, just to be safe, then headed downstairs, pausing halfway as I saw a figure framed in the doorway.
‘What are you doing here?’ said Detective Martins, his words squeezing past his clenched teeth.
‘I know it may appear like I’m trespassing, Detective, but I’m actually not. Honest.’
‘Where is Detective Myers?’
‘Not sure, but she’s okay.’
‘How do you know that?’
‘I just spoke to her on the phone. She’s being stubborn about the hospital stay, but she sounds fine.’
Martins seemed to sag a little. Was that relief?
‘I’m sure she’ll be touched to know you care, Detective Martins.’
He stepped towards me, jabbing a finger in my direction. ‘She might be annoying, but she’s a good copper, and she’s my partner. We might not see eye-to-eye ninety percent of the time, but that doesn’t alter the facts.’
I nodded, finding myself slightly warming to this total shit. ‘She does engender trust and loyalty for someone so stand-offish, doesn’t she?’
‘Yeah. And she’s too good for this place. I’ll never understand why she asked for a transfer up here.’
I thought about correcting Detective Martins. Telling him that Myers had been forcibly moved up here after the murder of her partner by an Uncanny monster caused her to have a bit of a breakdown. But Martins didn’t strike me as the sort of person who enjoyed being corrected.
In any case, night was creeping in, and I had a date to keep with Eva.
16
I parked the Uncanny Wagon a few hundred metres before the turn that funnelled drivers into Combe.
‘I told you,’ said Eva, after I’d finished filling her in about Maya absconding from the hospital, ‘they need to offer a decent selection of alcoholic drinks.’
‘I’ll bring it up when I put in for a new mop.’
Keeping low, we skirted a tall hedgerow, crouching as the first building hoved into view.
‘What’s the plan of attack here, exactly?’ I asked.
‘I’m not really a plan in advance sort of woman.’
‘This is shocking news. Behold my face of shockedness.’
I winced as Eva’s finger jabbed me in the ribs.
‘I was thinking we’d wander around, maybe break into a house or two, poke around a bit, and see if we can find some clues that tell us what’s going on with this place, and why the twats have been dropping in on isolated farms and talking out the inhabitants.’
We shuffled forward, reaching the edge of Combe’s village green. There was no street lighting, and none of the houses had light glowing from behind closed curtains, everyone long since in bed. Combe was slumbering, and the dark was all that there was to greet us.
‘Okay, which house should we try?’
Eva licked her finger and held it in the air, then spun and pointed at Paul Travers’ home. ‘Might as well start there.’
We began hustling across the green toward the house.
‘What happens if we’re caught?’ I asked. ‘This may come as a surprise, but I have little, and by little I mean no, experience of breaking and entering a person’s home while they sleep upstairs.’
‘Don’t worry, I’ve done this a million times.’
‘Bit worrying, but keep going.’
‘We’ll be in and out like ghosts,’ said Eva. ‘No one will even realise we’ve been here. Trust me, love, I’ve got this.’
And that’s when the lights in every house turned on and we froze like escaped prisoners bathed in a spotlight.
‘Bugger,’ said Eva.
The front door to each house opened, and the occupants stepped out in unison.
‘I’ll take your bugger and raise you a bollocks,’ I said.
Eva straightened up, somehow regaining her nonchalant composure as I spun in little, panicked circles, attempting to keep all the residents of Combe in view at the same time.
‘Hey, freaky, possessed people of Combe,’ said Eva, giving them all a hearty wave. ‘Me and this lanky twat have rumbled you.’
The residents said nothing, their faces hidden by the bright glow from their homes backlighting them. Which was more than a little unnerving.
‘The silent treatment’s wasted on us,’ said Eva, pulling out her tobacco tin and retrieving a pre-rolled smoke from inside. She lit it with a click of her fingers and popped it between her lips. ‘I’m Eva Familiar, and that’s Janto the warlock, maybe you’ve heard of us. Or whoever’s in control of you has.’
‘There’s someone in control?’ I said.
‘There’s always someone in control. An original piece of shit who enslaved this backwards lot. Am I right? Stay ominously silent and still if I am.’
The residents of Combe stayed ominously silent and still.
‘Told you.’
‘That could be a coincidence,’ I said.
‘We represent the Cumbrian Coven,’ said Eva. ‘We don’t like what you’ve got going here, and if you don’t bugger off, me and him are going to fuck you the fuck up, understand?’ No reply, no movement. She turned to me. ‘Okay, I’m done with the silent treatment.’
To be fair, I preferred it infinitely to what happened next.
As one, the villagers spoke: ‘When Mr Many Mouths comes to town, the town becomes Mr Many Mouths.’
‘Fuck’s that supposed to mean?’ inquired Eva.
‘I think it means we should maybe consider a hasty retreat,’ I suggested.
‘Eva Familiar doesn’t run, unless the shop’s about to shut and I’ve drank the last of the lager.’
‘The town becomes Mr Many Mouths,’ the residents of Combe repeated, and then they began to scream and thrash as their heads bulged and quivered and cracked.
‘That is not pretty,’ said Eva, flicking the ash off the end of her smoke.
The residents fell silent again and straightened up, stepping away from their homes, down their garden paths, and out of their gates towards us. Each of them, like Paul Travers when he’d visited my flat, sported heads covered in multiple, jabbering mouths.
‘Jesus, imagine the amount of lipstick the women get through,’ said Eva, taking another drag on her cigarette.
We backed away as the people of Combe stalked across the green towards us. Eva raised her hand and a ball of fire appeared, ready to be unleashed.
‘No!’ I said.
‘You’re right, let’s just sit here and wait for them to kiss us to death.’
‘They’re not monsters.’
‘Well, they sure as fuck aren’t beauty queens.’
‘You said someone is controlling them, so this is against their will. If you kill them, you’re not killing monsters, you’re killing people who need our help.’
Eva raised an eyebrow, then turned to look at the nightmare folk that were approaching us with no doubt ill intentions.
‘Shit, you’re right,’ said Eva. ‘Second time today. That really pisses me off.’
We stood, back to back, watching as the residents of Combe slowly moved towards us. Truth be told, I didn’t see a way out of this that didn’t involve Eva at least physically assaulting several of them.
‘You two, over here!’ said a voice, yelling out from the side. I recognised the voice;
it was Detective Maya Myers.
Yes, that was quite an unexpected appearance.
‘That is quite an unexpected appearance,’ said Eva.
See, told you.
Myers was stood by the open door to the church, waving frantically.
‘Come on.’ I grabbed Eva by the wrist and yanked her away, towards the only gap in the constricting circle, directly towards the entrance of the small church where Myers waved us in. We dashed inside; I laid my back again
st the door and it slammed shut, the noise reverberating around the nave.
I peered into the gloom of the church and pulled the building’s magic into me and my hand ignited.
We stepped deeper into the church, our feet scraping across the stone floor.
I thought about the last time I’d been in a place like this. The appearing disappearing cathedral where I’d had a nice chat with a skeleton and the Red Woman. She’d said something was happening, something was coming, and it would cause me to finally fulfil my stupid destiny. And now here I was, in another house of the holy, quite possibly about to meet some sort of Uncanny monster with the power to enslave people. Coincidence?
Christ, I really hoped so.
As we crept forward I was happy to discover that the stained glass windows of this place pictured more standard religious fare than the Dark Lakes cathedral. No skeleton, either. Always a bonus in any building.
‘So, detective,’ said Eva, ‘wanna fill us in on what you’re doing here?’
‘Joe told me what you two were up to.’
‘Yes,’ I said, ‘but Joe also said to go home, rest up, and wait for us.’
‘This is my case, I’m not being shoved behind a desk. So to speak.’
‘You really are a reckless, stubborn sod,’ said Eva. ‘And I mean that as a compliment.’
A heavy bang on the church doors made us all jump and turn.
‘Sounds like the natives are getting restless,’ said Eva.
‘Those things outside, that’s what you described attacking you, right?’ asked Myers.
‘Yep. Look like it’s the whole place is affected, not just Paul Travers. Something very, very weird is happening in Combe.’
‘What exactly?’ asked Myers. ‘What’s happening?’
‘I am happening,’ came a booming voice from behind us. I turned to see a hulking figure just about visible in the shadows.
‘Have you been hiding back there listening in this whole time?’ asked Eva. ‘Not cool, fuck-face.’
‘All will be me,’ said the thing, and oh, it was most definitely a thing, not a person. Even though it was still mostly shrouded by gloom, the creature talking to us twitched and quivered and didn’t have the shape of a person, not at all.
‘So what are you?’ asked Eva. ‘Another turned resident? Or are we talking with the boss man at last?’
The church doors burst open and the monstrous residents stepped inside, tongues flicking in and out of their multiple, gummy mouths.
‘Right, enough of this drama,’ said Eva. She raised both hands, clicking her fingers to ignite the many candles that were dotted around the place.
To be honest, I really wish she hadn’t, because what she revealed was, at best, a puke-inducing nightmare of epic proportions.
‘Jesus,’ said Eva. ‘You are one ugly mother fucker.’
And no one would argue with her.
‘I am Mr Many Mouths,’ said the thing from one of the numerous mouths that covered not only the giant lump of pummelled, grey flesh that passed for its head, but the entire extent of its jittering, damp, slug-like body. Tongues darted from each mouth, lapping at the moisture oozing from its own flesh.
‘You look like something that Jabba the Hutt shat out,’ said Eva.
Again, who could argue?
‘Your words mean nothing, Familiar,’ replied Mr Many Mouths.
‘What’s your deal then?’ asked Eva. ‘You’re from the Dark Lakes, aren’t you?’
I glanced a little uneasily at Eva as she mentioned that place, but her eyes were fixed on the creature. Was this connected to the Red Woman? Was this the thing she mentioned that would push me towards the throne after all? Because right now it was doing nothing to sell me on the idea.
‘You might as well fill us in,’ said Eva, leaning against a pew and rolling a fresh smoke. ‘I mean, I assume you’re going to kill us, or turn us, so now’s the time for a little gloating.’
The creature laughed, a laugh multiplied by its many mouths, and then the transformed residents crowded within the church entrance joined in too. The noise echoed horribly around the church’s stone interior. It fair put the willies up me, I don’t mind telling you.
‘I am Mr Many Mouths. When I come to town, the whole town becomes Mr Many Mouths.’
‘Yeah, yeah, heard it. But this can’t be it, right? Not this little, shitty nothing of a place.’
‘All will become Mr Many Mouths. All. I will remove the people. I will remove the birds. The dogs, too. Then the cats. The ants. The fish. The germs. It will take time, but I don't mind putting in the hours. I will work. And I will work. And eventually there will only be me. Me and me and me and silence and nothing and then I will stop and look upon the very fine thing that I have done and I will smile with every mouth I have.’
‘Shit,’ said Eva. ‘It’s good to have a goal, keeps a person motivated… trouble is, we’re here now, and we’re going to kick your arse. Assuming you have an arse, that is. Maybe you’re all arse, you definitely look it, I’m not an expert of monster biology.’
‘Wait,’ I said, ‘there’s something I don’t understand.’
‘Well I for one cannot believe this unexpected news,’ said Eva.
‘Why kill the animals? You say all will become you, but those animals didn’t, that man and his kids didn’t, why kill them?’
‘Actually, yeah, good point, love. Well? Answer the twat. Why’d you kill ‘em?’
‘I have killed no one,’ said Mr Many Mouths.
‘Come again?’ replied Eva.
‘I do not kill, I replace. I become.’
I looked to Eva, who was looking back at me and, for once, seemingly caught off guard. If Mr Many Mouths hadn’t been behind the deaths, then who?
There was unfortunately no time for further interrogation or contemplation, as without a word being spoken, without a command relayed, the residents suddenly surged forward and took hold of us.
‘One of you two, do something!’ said Myers.
‘Can I set them all on fire now, idiot?’ asked Eva.
‘Can’t you do some other trick?’
‘I don’t do tricks, I’m not David fucking Copperfield, pretending to walk through the Great Wall of China or some shit. I’m the real deal.’
‘Could you walk through the Great Wall of China, though?’ I asked.
Eva grimaced but didn’t answer.
‘I am Mr Many Mouths,’ said the creature.
‘He really likes saying his own name, doesn’t he?’ said Myers.
‘When Mr Many Mouths comes to town—’
‘—the town becomes Mr Many Mouths?’ I suggested. ‘Yep, got it.’
The creature opened its mouths wide, screaming, tongues bursting for us. Such a sight causes an involuntary reaction; specifically, we each opened our mouths in surprise.
This proved to be a bad thing.
Because as our mouths popped open, the creature’s tongues found their entrances, and forced their way past our lips, our teeth, and wormed their way down our throats.
I thrashed, disgusted, terrified, trying to clench my teeth, to bite down on the tongue that had invaded my body, but it was no good. It was like trying to chew through a tractor tyre. I could bite all I liked, but it wasn’t going to make a difference.
I was consumed with panic, a mindless horror, as a foreign body did what it wanted with me and I couldn’t even scream in pain or fury or fear. Instead, I gagged and choked and wondered when I would pass out. Wondered if I’d actually wake up again when I did.
It was turning me into one of them. I could feel myself becoming part of it. I could start to sense the whole gestalt being, the numerous voices, but all the same voice at the same time.
Many Mouths.
Many Mouths.
We all become Mr Many Mouths.
I was about to be submerged at any moment, and there was nothing I could do about it. I struggled to try and draw the magic towards me, but I couldn’t think, couldn�
��t focus. The black was edging in on me, the voices becoming louder, sharper, all-consuming.
I was done.
It was over.
The village would become Mr Many Mouths.
The world would become Mr Many Mouths.
I felt a hand slip into mine. My head twitched to the left and I saw Myers looking at me, but her eyes, they were strange. Wrong. They weren’t hers. I saw no panic or fear in her eyes. I saw only a cold, calm certainty.
And then something washed over me. Myers clenched my hand harder, and all the fear, the panic, was gone, like ingrained dirt blasted away under a pressure washer.
I was still stood in the same place. Still restrained by unyielding hands. Still had a disgusting, snake-like tongue shoved down my throat, trying to claim me.
But that was okay.
Because I wasn’t just daft old Joseph anymore.
I was a warlock.
I was Janto the warlock of the Cumbrian Coven, and I had power over the magic that this world swam in. These things shouldn’t be attacking me, they should be cowering in fear, because I am fear.
I closed my eyes and demanded the magic did as I asked.
There was a noise like a sonic boom, and then I had no hands restraining me, no tongue down my throat, no creature trying to claim my consciousness as its own.
I heard myself scream and I pulled my hand free of Myers’ as I fell to my knees on the cold, stone floor of the church. I coughed and spat and tried to stop my body from trembling.
‘Well, shit on my face,’ said Eva, ‘you must’ve been paying more attention to the training than I thought.’
I opened my eyes to see her looking down at me. She didn’t seem happy though exactly, more curious. More like she couldn’t quite believe what I’d done.
And what exactly had I done? I looked behind me to see the inhabitants of Combe now back to their normal appearance, all laid out on the floor, none of them moving. ‘Shit, no, are they dead?’
Eva crouched by one prone figure who I recognised from earlier, Arthur, and checked his pulse. ‘No. You just knocked the fuckers out.’
I pushed myself shakily back up onto my feet, trying to ignore the disgusting taste in my mouth.
‘Here,’ said Eva, passing me a bottle from her pocket. I gratefully unscrewed the cap and drank, the vodka burning away the foul taste, or at least replacing it with a new one. I turned to pass it on to Myers, but she wasn’t paying the rest of us any attention. She was stepping slowly towards the creature, towards Mr Many Mouths. Like the people of Combe that it had been controlling, the thing seemed to have been knocked unconscious by whatever power had exploded out of me.
Uncanny Kingdom: An Eleven Book Urban Fantasy Collection (Uncanny Kingdom Omnibus 1) Page 119