“I’ve missed you.” Brynn kissed a spot on his neck, right under his ear. Her finger trailed up the arch of his bicep. “You’re so incredibly sexy.”
“We always seem to end up together,” he said in resignation. “You and I are uncomplicated. We have a good time, and then we go our separate ways. No expectations.”
She looked at him and smiled. “I know you, probably better than you know yourself. Other women want too much from you. That’s why I’ve never minded when you went off exploring. You’re not made for a long-term relationship.”
Was she right? When Julie needed his love and support, he’d let his own hurt come before her needs.
“What are you doing later?” Brynn asked. “How about you come back to my place for a nightcap?”
Reagan’s buzz quickly turned into a headache. Too many conflicting emotions clattered around, fighting with the voice in his head. The loudest yelled to walk away. Going with Brynn would only lead to regret.
He looked into Brynn’s beautiful eyes. Would kissing her push away all his doubts? Tipping his chin, he locked his lips onto hers and drank her in. She eagerly responded, tightening her hold around his shoulders. He wanted to fill his head with Brynn, and forget about the auburn-haired spirit who haunted his mind.
Nothing about their kiss was right. She tasted too bitter, she didn’t smell like roses but something unpleasant and spicy, her body felt sharp and bony, not comfortable and soft as she pressed against him. He stepped out of her embrace and began walking off the dance floor.
“Reagan,” she called out after him. “Where are you going?”
“Time for me to go. Alone.” He returned to his table. “I’ve had a long day, guys. I’m heading out.”
“See you around, man.” Jason gave him a pat on the back. “Don’t be a stranger.”
He walked out the front door of the club. A cool, refreshing breeze hit his face. He gave his valet ticket to the attendant and stood on the sidewalk, waiting for his car. His head pounded as a result of the loud music seeping out of the club.
The kiss he shared with Brynn had proven he could never kiss another woman without comparing her to Julie. A week ago, he’d been ready to start a new chapter and finally settle down. But after putting everything on the line, he still played second string. He could never go back to his old life. His one and only decision was this—how far was he willing to go to keep Julie in his life?
****
Days passed, and the silence continued. Julie still hadn’t heard from Reagan. Every one of her calls had gone to voicemail. Sometimes, she’d call and listen to his voicemail greeting, just to hear his voice. By Christmas Eve, she stopped hoping for a phone call or a knock on the door. She and Aiden had gone to Christmas Eve service, and then to Mom’s for dinner. They’d opened a few gifts, before Julie took Aiden home to put him to bed.
Now, she lay on the sofa, her dark family room only lit by the glow of her Christmas tree. The stillness around her stood in sharp contrast to the storm raging in her heart. Reagan had left five days ago to travel to LA, and she assumed he was now in Indiana to spend Christmas with his family. The holiday they’d planned to spend together had been called off, and Aiden cried himself to sleep that night, not understanding why Reagan had walked out of their lives.
She could forgive Reagan for not wanting to be with her. She’d hurt him and couldn’t deny John was still front and center in her heart. The disappointment they’d both caused Aiden was a tougher pill to swallow. Her conflicted feelings were not fair to either Reagan or Aiden. A decision had to be made, and over the past few days, she realized what she needed to do. She wasn’t ready to start a new relationship. Maybe she never would be.
As she snuggled deeper under the soft purple blanket, she wished John would walk through her front door and make everything okay. But that would never happen. She was left to face her future alone.
A sharp knock on the door startled her. Still wrapped in her blanket, she shuffled over and opened the door to see Reagan standing on the other side. The sight of him instantly comforted her aching chest. A reviving hum pulsed through her body.
For several seconds, they stood staring at each other in silence, until Reagan cleared his throat. “I wanted to bring Aiden’s bike.” He motioned to the red bike with the huge bow sitting on her front walkway.
“Come in.” She stepped aside to let him push the bike past her and into the house. His peppermint-infused scent once again filled her home. He leaned the bike against the wall. Bags now hung under his formerly bright, blue eyes. His skin was pale. The expression on his face was troubled and worn, like a man fighting a war.
“I’m sorry for leaving. I was hurt, and I let my pride win over my heart. I still love you, and maybe you still love me. Can we work this out?”
She saw a tear threaten to break free from the corner of his eye, which weakened her conviction. How could she cause him more pain?
He swiftly wiped it away. Standing before him, she tightened her hold onto the blanket wrapped around her like a protective cocoon. “I do love you, Reagan, but to keep dragging you along while I figure out things is not fair. Half of my life was intertwined with John’s. I can’t remove him without ripping out a part of myself in the process.” Inside her chest, she felt a stabbing pain, like a knife slicing through her heart. Her gaze fell on the wedding picture placed up on a bookshelf. Their wedding day had been perfect. Their life together had been a rollercoaster ride. Now, she was left finding her way without John. Be brave, and do what you need to do.
“I need you, Julie. I don’t want to go back to a life without you.” He wrapped her up in his strong arms.
She melted into his embrace, resting her head on his chest.
“I promise to be patient. You and Aiden mean so much to me.”
“We both know this isn’t just about you and me. Aiden was devastated when I told him you wouldn’t be with us for Christmas. I can’t let him get caught in the middle while we work out things.” Reluctantly, she stepped away.
He released his hold. Reagan’s gaze lowered to the blue stone bird she held in her hand. His shoulders dropped. “I’ve loved you since the first night I met you. Just know you have my heart, if you ever decide you’re ready to move on.” Taking her face in his hands, he kissed her.
A kiss that weakened her resolve and shook her to her core. She could no longer restrain the tears, which now flowed freely down her face, falling like raindrops onto the floor. “You are a good and honorable man, Reagan. And I’m better off having had you in my life.” She brushed the scruff on his face with the palm of her hand. A sensation that was both familiar and comforting. “You’ll find love again, and she’ll be a lucky woman.”
Reagan opened the door but then hesitated. “Tell Aiden I love him. I never told him.”
Something inside her shattered. She used every ounce of willpower to stop herself from running back into his arms. “He knows.”
After looking back one last time, he stepped outside and closed the door behind him.
Chapter Eighteen
Spring came to Timber Lake with a sudden outbreak of green. Residents, who had been starved by a long winter indoors, devoured the warm weather with abandon. The piles of snow became a distant memory, replaced with lush grass and green leaves. Along with the change in seasons came rebirth and renewal.
For Julie, spring meant a second chance. “Mom, are you sure it’s not too early to plant flowers?” She yanked up a brown, dry weed, scrunched up her nose, and threw the clump to the side before pulling another.
“The threat of frost is past, and these geraniums are hardy. Now is as good a time as any to get them in the ground.”
After throwing another weed on the growing pile, Julie continued to work on the neglected flower bed. Dead plants and leaves littered the dirt. She hoped once the flowers were planted, the color in her backyard would lift her spirits. Her mind drifted to Reagan, and her heart filled with the persistent regret over
how she’d ended their relationship. She knew that as much as she missed him, she’d done the right thing by setting him free. He deserved to be the center of someone’s world, not an addition to an already broken heart.
She often wondered what Reagan’s life was like now. Did he have someone new to love? Was he happy? Did he miss her as much as she missed him?
Mary handed her a small trowel. “Did you have fun last night at the concert?”
“Yeah. The lead singer was really good. I’m glad I decided to go.” Julie took a geranium and placed it in the freshly dug hole. Then she moved the displaced dirt to fill in around the flower, patting the ground with a few gentle taps. With Aiden visiting John’s parents this week, she’d kept busy. Between work and going out with her new friends, she had little time to sit around and sulk.
“Do you have any other plans while Aiden’s gone? Maybe we could go to a movie.” Mary brushed dirt off her red pants before walking to the gate and grabbing another flat of flowers.
“The girls from work asked if I wanted to go out for drinks tomorrow night. And I have a long run planned with my running group on Wednesday morning. Maybe we could go on Thursday night. Would that work?” Julie took the flat from her mother’s hands and set it on the grass.
“Sounds good.” Mary smiled and nodded her head. “Let’s check and see what movies are playing when we go back in the house.”
Julie’s knees ached, so she stood to stretch out her legs. The white trellis standing beside her garage was now bare, and she remembered last August when it was full of fragrant blooms. She had taken a picture of Aiden and Reagan in that very spot, and both were wearing their Warriors jerseys. The photo was now framed and placed on Aiden’s dresser, next to the picture of his dad.
Aiden’s anger over the break-up had gradually faded, but his pain over losing his friend and father figure had left his heart tender. If only I’d done a better job of protecting my son, who had already suffered so much tragedy.
That was why, for the past few months, she had pushed herself forward. The heavy weight of her emotional struggle eased with the passing of time. She’d made the decision to start living again. She owed Aiden a stable and happy future. Finally, for the first time since John’s death, she’d given herself permission to heal.
After an afternoon of yard work, Julie only had the energy to warm up leftover chicken casserole for dinner. She watched TV while she ate, and after an hour of flipping through channels, she hit the off button on the remote. Yawning, she took her plate into the kitchen sink. The pile of John’s letters sat on the counter, going unread for several months. She walked past the letters, brushing her hand over their smooth surface, and went upstairs to get ready for bed. A sense of calm and peace filled her.
Tucked under the covers, she tossed and turned for several minutes before slowly drifting off into a deep sleep. Suddenly, she found herself running down a tree-lined path. A soft summer breeze moved through the green leaves.
Up ahead, John motioned for her to come follow him.
“Wait!” she called out, elated to see him again after so long.
He ran ahead and quickly disappeared into the dense forest.
Julie sprinted forward, but her legs moved heavy and slow. Glimpses of John would appear, and then he’d vanish. “John, stop. I can’t keep up.” No one was there to hear her plea. She continued running through twists and turns, finally spying a man dressed in Army desert fatigues. His broad back filled the space between the tree branches.
She reached him and wrapped her arms around his waist. An earthy smell washed over her. The same one John always carried after returning home from deployment, reminding her of their coming together after long separations.
“My sweet Julie, I’ve missed you.” He stood at the entrance of Cottonwood Field and caressed her cheek with the palm of his hand.
Eyes burning, she clung to him, crying into his shirt. “Why did you leave me?”
“It was my time. You always knew I might never come home.”
“But, I need you.” The words rasped from her throat. “Aiden needs you.” He’d come back to her, and she was never letting him go. She tightened her hold.
“You’re both strong.” John took her hand and led her into the field filled with flowers of every color. Birds flew above them in a cloudless cobalt sky. “Remember when I promised you’d be mine forever?”
“Yes.” Blinking fast, she memorized his ruggedly handsome face. “You were leaving for boot camp. I was a wreck, and you brought me here, reassuring me that everything would be okay.”
He smiled. “That’s right, and you’ll always be mine. But you need to let me go. I want you to live a wonderful and full life, one without regrets.”
“You are my life.” She sobbed and buried her face in his coat. How could he talk of leaving her again? “I miss you so much.”
He soothed her with a soft caress. “Remember me when you look at our son. He’s the best parts of us both. Let the love you feel for me flow into him.” John held her face in his hands. His gentle kiss contained a thousand goodbyes. “Let me go, my love, and be free to find the life you deserve.”
With those words he was gone, vanishing out her grasp. “John!” she shouted over and over. The only reply was the echo of her tormented voice, and the cry of a distant blue jay. The breeze stirred the tall grass and all was quiet. Nature was in mourning. She was left standing alone, the field suddenly dark and still. A full moon shone overhead. Paralyzing fear washed over her.
Out of the shadows emerged an outline of another figure. He stepped into the beam of moonlight and motioned for her to come. Moving quickly, she ran over to Reagan, who was waiting with open arms. She collapsed into his embrace, immediately feeling safe. That broken piece of her heart was whole again. The part she’d kept empty after John’s death now filled with love—love for Reagan. “You came for me.”
“Of course,” he said. “I’m here to take you home, but the choice is yours. Stay here, or come with me.”
Knowing the decision she had to make, she took Reagan’s hand and held it tight. “Show me the way home.”
When she awoke, the morning sun weakly illuminated her bedroom. Disoriented, she felt her damp pillow, which was stained with tears. What a shock, to wake up and realize the memory was just a dream. John’s presence had felt so real. After two years, they’d finally had a chance to say goodbye. As much as her heart ached, it felt lighter than in a long time.
John had told her to let him go, knowing she was still hanging on. He’d sent Reagan. She’d chosen to leave sorrow behind and move on with a love that was real and present.
Julie climbed out of bed, pulled on her robe, and went downstairs. The picture of John still hung on the refrigerator door. Lifting the magnet, she took off the photo and studied it for several minutes. She traced his face and body with the tip of her finger, and noticed the smoothness of the photograph was in stark contrast to the roughness of the real man. Then, with a test of will, she walked upstairs and placed John’s last picture in the top drawer of her dresser. She grabbed the blue stone bird laying on her nightstand, set it next to the picture, and then with shaking hands, gently closed the drawer.
Now, she was ready to reach out to Reagan and find out if he still carried any love for her. Maybe he’d moved on, but she needed to know if anything was left to save. She’d call him later that afternoon. With the day off of work, she was in for a long, restless day. She prayed that after all the hurt and time apart, he had not given up on her.
****
Reagan stood outside on his deck, watching the birds swoop over the water in search of their breakfast. He, on the other hand, had no appetite and nursed a cup of coffee. He’d spent the last four months running from Julie’s memory. Today, he’d have to face his feelings head on.
Walking away from Julie had been the hardest thing he’d ever done. Accepting defeat was not in his nature, but his pride had forced him to stop trying for something no
t meant to be. He often wondered if he’d made the right decision. When he’d left her house that cold December night, their relationship might have ended, but his love for her had not.
And neither had he stopped loving Aiden. He missed the kid. Reagan’s life seemed empty and dull without the energetic boy. At times, he’d been tempted to reach out to Aiden or send him a gift in the mail. But he’d always stopped himself. The last thing he wanted was to confuse an already hurt child.
Last week, he’d moved back to Timber Lake in preparation for the coming football season. Since being back, he’d dreamed about Julie every night. She haunted him persistently, and he hoped after today, he could make peace and finally move on. His doorbell sounded, and Reagan set his coffee mug on the glass patio table to go answer the door. “Hey, come on in.” Reagan motioned to the nervous-looking man standing at the front door. He had a scruffy beard and tattoos covered large sections of his exposed arms.
“Thanks for seeing me earlier than we’d planned. I wanted to speak privately before Greg arrived.” Heath Carter shook Reagan’s extended hand.
“No problem. Can I get you something to drink? I was just finishing my coffee out on the deck.”
“Water, please,” Heath replied.
After Reagan handed him a glass of ice water, he led Heath onto the deck.
“You have a beautiful house and yard,” Heath said, after taking a drink. “This view is amazing.”
“Thanks.”
After a moment of silence, Heath cleared his throat and handed Reagan a weathered envelope. “This is for you. After our phone conversations, I knew this letter was meant for you.”
Reagan accepted the blank envelope. “What is this?”
“John Ellis was my best friend.” Heath turned his gaze toward the lake. “I first met Julie after they got married, when she came to Fort Bragg as a new bride. Those two were my family, and Julie always made me feel welcome. What happened to John in Afghanistan destroyed her, and I wasn’t there for her or Aiden.” He shoved his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. “I let my own grief prevent me from doing the right thing. Time to stop hiding. That’s why I’m here.”
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