The door swung open and Joan came in. She ignored Laura and went straight to the baby.
‘Jesus, Mum, don’t wake her up.’ Laura was terrified she was going to start screaming again.
‘She’s the image of you,’ Joan said, gazing down at her sleeping granddaughter. ‘You were such a sweet baby and then –’
‘And then I turned into a nightmare. Yeah, yeah, I know the story, Mum – the perfect child who turned into the horrible teenager.’
‘Well, your wild days are behind you now. You’ve a baby to look after. Responsibilities. Duties.’
Laura’s head snapped up. ‘Hold on a minute. I didn’t want to keep this baby. The only reason she’s here is because you said you’d help bring her up. Don’t start backing out now or I swear I’ll give her up for adoption.’
Joan prayed silently for patience. She faced her daughter in the small hospital room. ‘I said I’d help you and I will, but you are the baby’s mother and you have to take responsibility for her.’
Laura flicked back her blonde curls. ‘I’ll look after her on the mornings I don’t have lectures, but don’t expect me to stay in on the weekends and mind her because I won’t. No way. Besides, you hardly ever go out at the weekends any more, so it’s no big deal for you to babysit.’
The baby started crying. Joan picked her up to soothe her. ‘I think she needs her nappy changed,’ she said, handing her to Laura.
Laura folded her arms. ‘No, Mum. I don’t know how to do it. I can’t.’
Joan set about changing the baby’s nappy. ‘Have you decided on a name? I was thinking Amanda, like your father’s mother.’
Laura shook her head. ‘No. Amanda is a brown name. I’m calling her Jody because it’s a pink name and she’s a girl.’
Joan bit her tongue. She’d never understood the way Laura and her father saw names, numbers and emotions as colours. It had been a very strong bond between father and daughter. When Laura was six, she had announced at dinner one night that her name was purple, just like the colour for funny. Harry had dropped his fork. He couldn’t believe that she saw the world in the same way he did. Their colours were different. The only colour they matched on was orange for pain. Harry saw yellow for fear, red for happy and brown for funny. But he was thrilled to have a child who understood his world. Frank, Laura’s brother, didn’t see colour, and Joan was glad. Otherwise she would have felt like the odd one out.
She clicked the Babygro back on and hugged the baby. ‘Hello, Jody, I’m Joan. I’m actually your granny and this young girl here is your mummy.’ With that, Joan handed Jody firmly to Laura and went to wash her hands.
Laura looked down. The baby stared up at her, unblinking. ‘Sorry, kid, you pulled the short straw with me as your mother. I haven’t got a clue and I’m only nineteen so you’re going to be hanging out with your granny a lot. She’s been really lonely since Dad died, so this could actually work out quite well. She can focus her attention on you and get off my back.’
Joan came back in, drying her hands. The door opened. It was Frank, holding a half-dead bunch of carnations.
‘Nice flowers. Are they for me?’ Laura smiled at her brother.
‘At least I tried.’ He dumped the flowers on the windowsill. ‘Well, there’s a sight I never thought I’d see.’ He grinned at Laura holding Jody.
‘Isn’t she beautiful?’ Joan gushed.
Frank gave the baby a cursory glance. ‘Not really.’ He sat on the edge of the bed. ‘She looks weird. Is that normal or is she ugly?’
‘Frank!’ Joan was annoyed.
‘What? She’s all red and scrunched-up.’
‘Your niece is perfect.’ Joan kissed Jody’s head. ‘Don’t listen to that nitwit. You’re gorgeous.’
‘I’m calling her Jody, by the way,’ Laura said, trying not to drop the baby. ‘It’s a pink name.’
Frank nodded. ‘Cool. The only Jody I know is a fox.’
‘Jody Kerrigan?’ Laura asked.
‘Yes.’
‘She’s so dense. She thought the chorus of “Bohemian Rhapsody” was – “I see a little silly wet man, scare him much scare him much, will you do the fand and go.”’ Laura threw her head back and laughed.
Frank shrugged. ‘Who cares about her singing when she’s got a body for sin?’
‘You’re so shallow.’
‘Have you not just had a baby by a nameless, faceless man?’
Joan thumped the side table loudly. ‘Stop it, you two. You’re behaving like –’
‘Teenagers?’ Laura smirked.
‘Immature teenagers,’ Joan retorted.
‘Sorry, Mum,’ Frank said. Then, to Laura, he added, ‘So, Danny was asking if you’d had the kid yet.’
‘He’s a lovely boy,’ Joan said.
Laura looked down. ‘Did you tell him?’
‘I called him before I drove over.’
Laura almost dropped the baby. Joan leaned over and grabbed Jody.
‘What did he say?’ Laura asked.
Frank took his chewing gum out of his mouth and stuck it on Laura’s saucer. ‘Nothing.’
‘Nothing at all?’
‘He just said he couldn’t believe you were, like, a mother now. That it was weird.’
Laura fought back tears. ‘He’ll never go near me now.’
‘You’ve only yourself to blame,’ Joan reminded her. ‘Now, hold your daughter while I go home and sort out some more clothes and vests for this gorgeous girl. It’s been a long day. I need to get something to eat. I’ll be back first thing in the morning to help you out.’
‘You’ve had a long day?’ Laura exclaimed. ‘What about me? What about my pain and suffering?’
‘Hopefully the baby will sleep now and you can get some rest.’
‘Don’t go, Mum,’ Laura begged. ‘I don’t know what to do. Don’t leave me on my own with her.’
Joan buttoned her coat. She went over and patted Laura’s hand. ‘You’ll be fine. Every new mother panics on the first day. But the only way to learn how to look after a baby is to get lots of practice. If you need anything, call the nurse or you can phone me at home. Don’t worry, it’ll be fine. She’s a little dote.’
She gave Jody a final cuddle and settled her in her cot. She turned to Frank. ‘I’ll see you at home. I made some lentil soup yesterday and some pumpkin bread.’
‘Mum! I’ll be starving after rugby practice.’
Joan smiled. ‘OK, I’ll grill a steak for you.’
‘Brilliant, thanks.’
‘I thought you were too tired to do anything,’ Laura huffed.
‘Frank needs to keep his strength up,’ Joan replied, closing the door behind her.
‘Poor little Frank needs his steak,’ Laura teased.
‘She likes doing stuff for me.’
Laura sighed. ‘You can do no wrong and I can do no right. I’m sick of her giving out to me.’
‘Try being nicer to her and not getting pregnant.’
Laura rubbed her eyes. ‘What the hell am I going to do, Frank? I can’t be a mother. I’m too young.’
‘Don’t sweat it. Mum will look after the baby most of the time, and you can use some of the money Dad left you to pay for babysitters when she’s not around.’
Laura looked at her daughter. ‘Does everyone think I’m a total loser?’
‘Not a loser, more a slut.’
‘Thanks a bloody lot. I feel so much better now.’
‘Laura, if you don’t want to know, don’t ask. You having this baby will be the talk of the town for a few weeks and then it’ll be old news. Just put your head down and keep your legs closed.’
‘Do you think anyone will ever fancy me again?’
‘Did anyone fancy you before?’
‘Come on, Frank, be serious for a minute. Would you go for a girl who had a kid?’
Frank got up and stretched his arms over his head. ‘If I liked her enough it wouldn’t matter,’ he lied.
Laura sat up straigh
t. ‘Really? Seriously? No kidding?’
‘Sure – why not?’
‘So you don’t think I’m a social pariah?’
‘No, but make sure it doesn’t happen again. Having a slapper for a sister is ruining my image.’
‘Cheers!’
Frank peered into Jody’s cot. ‘Did Jody Kerrigan really think the lyrics of “Bohemian Rhapsody” were “I see a little silly wet man”?’
Laura nodded and they both roared laughing. ‘But the best one was that idiot you went out with last year, Nikkie Holmes. Remember, she thought Robert Palmer’s “Addicted to Love” was “Might as well face it, you’re a dick with a glove”.’
‘And Dad thought Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean” was “Billy Jim is not my plumber”.’ Frank cackled.
They laughed until they cried.
‘I miss Dad,’ Laura said, her tears turning from happy to sad.
‘Me too.’ Frank squeezed her hand.
5.
Anna
January 1993
Anna was reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar. It was Ryan’s favourite book and she knew he’d sit still for a few minutes to listen to it. She was twenty-five weeks pregnant now and she felt tired today. She needed to sit down for a while.
Anna read: ‘… pop, out of the egg came a tiny and very hungry caterpillar.’
‘Is an egg going to pop out of your tummy?’ Timmy asked.
‘No, I have a baby in my tummy.’ Anna ran a protective hand over her swollen belly.
‘Do you have any other children at home?’ Penny wanted to know.
‘No, this is my first.’
‘But you’re really old. I thought you’d have millions of them,’ Kylie said.
‘Are you happy to have a baby?’ Molly asked. ‘My mammy was crying when she found out she had another baby in her tummy. She said eight is too many.’
‘I’m sure she’ll be happy when it arrives,’ Anna soothed her.
Molly shook her head. ‘She wasn’t a bit happy when Fintan arrived. She said she wishted she got a new washing-machine, not a baby.’
‘My da got his willy snipped for my ma’s birthday,’ Penny announced.
‘What?’ The other children were shocked.
‘Yeah, she said it was the only present she wanted so he did it. He chopped his willy.’
‘Chopped it off?’ Ryan covered his own protectively.
‘Snipped it off,’ Penny said.
‘Oh, my God, your ma is a wagon. There’s no way I’d cut my willy off for any girl.’ Jason was outraged.
After years of teaching, Anna had decided that her young children needed to be allowed to chat among themselves for a few minutes every couple of hours. It allowed them to switch off for a bit, relax and speak freely, which she knew was important as many of them had such difficult home lives. But it was time to step in.
‘What Penny means is that her daddy went to the doctor to have a little procedure called “the snip”. But he didn’t cut his willy off. It’s just a little thing that some daddies have done when they’re finished having children.’
‘My granny told my ma to have her tubes tied,’ Molly told them.
‘What’s that?’ Penny asked.
‘It’s where you go in and you get these tubes inside you where the babies are made and you tie them in a big knot and then no more babies can come out.’
‘Are the babies stuck in the tubes?’
Molly frowned. ‘I don’t think so.’
‘Imagine if you tied a big knot and a baby was stuck in the knot and he was all crying and shouting, “Let me out! Let me out!”’ Ryan giggled.
‘Babies can’t talk,’ Penny reminded him.
‘You’d hear him crying so you’d just untie the knot and let that one out and then tie another one.’ Molly had figured it out.
Anna clapped her hands. ‘Come on, children, enough talking. I want you to settle down and listen.’
‘I saw your ma throwing your da’s clothes out the window yesterday,’ Jason said to Timmy.
Timmy went bright red.
‘That’s enough, Jason,’ Anna said.
‘She was shouting, “Get out of here, you cheater, and don’t come back,”’ Jason said breathlessly.
‘Did he cheat at cards?’ Jack wanted to know. ‘My ma goes mental when my da cheats at cards.’
‘No, you thick, he cheated with another girl,’ Kylie explained.
‘Oh. My da did that and my ma was mad with him, but he said, “If I’m not gettin’ any at home I have to look somewhere else,”’ Jack told the class.
‘What wasn’t he getting at home?’ Jason asked.
Anna raised her voice over them. ‘I’m going to get cross now. I want you all to stop talking and listen.’
‘I think he meant nice food,’ Jack said. ‘My ma is a vegenarian and she’s always cooking yucky vegetables and brown rice. My da wants chips and sausages, like me. I bet the other girl what he went off with cooked chips or maybe they went to the chipper on the corner. My ma says that chipper should be shut down.’
‘Why?’ Ryan looked horrified.
‘Cos she said the meat what they put in the burgers is like cow’s arse and nose and eyeballs and stuff.’
‘Eeeeeeeew,’ the kids said.
‘It tastes lovely, though,’ Ryan noted.
‘I love chipper chips,’ Kylie said. ‘When my ma has a sore head from drinking too much orange juice she gives me money to go down for a snack box.’
‘My da said if you eat too much chipper stuff you’ll get big and fat and no one will want to marry you,’ Penny said. ‘He said that’s why my aunty Rosie has no husband because her arse is huge.’
Anna tried not to laugh. ‘OK, class, come on now, that’s enough. Listen to the story.’ She continued to read. Halfway through, she jumped up to get Ryan down from a table.
‘Oh, Mrs Roberts, your skirt’s all dirty,’ Molly said.
‘It’s red,’ Kylie said.
‘It’s b-b-b-blood!’ Francie shouted.
Anna spun around. She looked down. There was a big red stain on her skirt.
‘BLOOOOOOD!’ Ryan roared. ‘Teacher’s dying, teacher’s dying.’
All the children started to scream. But Anna couldn’t move. She was having trouble breathing. She tried to speak but no words came out. The room began to spin …
She came to in hospital. Barry was beside her, white-faced, grip ping her hand. Her obstetrician was standing on her other side.
‘Anna, can you hear me?’
She nodded.
‘The baby has decided to come early, but we’re going to try to keep it inside the womb as long as possible. Even if we can delay the birth for forty-eight hours, it’ll be a big help. Now, I’m giving you an injection of corticosteroids to help the baby’s lungs mature before delivery. In the meantime, I need you to lie very still. If you need to go to the toilet, the nurse will get you a bedpan. You are not to move.’
‘Is the baby OK?’ Anna was desperate to know.
Mr Walsh nodded. ‘So far, so good. I’ll be back to check on you in a little while.’
Anna lay back and tried not to cry. She had to be calm. She had to be still. She had to let the baby grow.
‘I asked him what the stats were for babies born at twenty-five weeks to make it,’ Barry said, stifling a sob. ‘He said fifty per cent, so we’ve got a good shot.’
Anna squeezed his hand. She had to stay positive. She prayed silently to her mother: Help me, Mum. Don’t let my baby die … please don’t let it die.
As Anna lay in her bed, praying, she could hear a young girl screaming in the room next door. ‘Puke! She’s puked on me again!’
A nurse came into her room to look at her chart. ‘Is she all right?’ Anna asked her.
The nurse rolled her eyes. ‘She’s fine – but every time the baby needs to be changed or fed or has a little vomit she starts screaming for help. She has us all driven mad.’
‘Mayb
e she’s nervous,’ Anna suggested.
The nurse shook her head. ‘No. She’s just a nineteen-year-old girl who got herself pregnant and now doesn’t want to look after her own baby. Thank God she has a sensible mother who can help her out.’ She sighed and went to the door. ‘I’d better go and check on her.’
Anna heard her snap, ‘Laura, calm down – it’s only a bit of milk.’
Barry sighed. ‘I hope if we have a girl she doesn’t turn out like that!’
Anna smiled. ‘She won’t. She or he will be just wonderful. They’ll have your kindness and mathematical brain –’
‘And your patience and compassion and hopefully your amazing hair.’
Before Anna could reply she felt a searing pain in her abdomen. She gasped and hunched over. ‘Barry!’
He jumped up and wrenched open the door. ‘HELP!’ he shouted. ‘HELP!’
Within seconds a midwife was at their side. She saw the blood and called for Mr Walsh.
‘I’m afraid this baby is determined to be born,’ he said, as soon as he had examined her. ‘OK, Anna, here we go.’
Anna’s mind and spirit floated above the scene. She saw her baby being born. She was tiny and red. People were rushing about, Mr Walsh was barking orders, and there was blood, lots of it. Anna felt her head getting lighter. She was beginning to drift away, but she forced herself to stay present. I will not miss this, she told herself. I will not leave this moment.
‘It’s a girl,’ Mr Walsh said.
She heard a cry, a tiny kitten-like mew. She felt salty tears on her lips – she must be crying too. Tears of joy. She wanted to hold her baby but the room was getting darker …
Anna opened her eyes. Mr Walsh was standing next to her bed. She could tell by his face. He didn’t need to say it. She knew.
‘I’m terribly sorry, Anna. We did everything we could. I’m afraid the baby was just not ready for this world. She suffered a bleed in her lungs and brain. And I’m afraid there were complications with you too. We had to perform a hysterectomy. I’m so very sorry. I know how much this meant to you.’
Anna looked at the ceiling. ‘Where is she?’
This Child of Mine Page 4