Unable to cope with the grief and guilt, Laura had crawled into a bottle of vodka and blacked out the months that followed. She remembered almost nothing. If she hadn’t got pregnant with Mandy she would have killed herself. Mandy had saved them both.
‘Sorry I’m late.’ Frank arrived to the table with a tiny, doll-like woman wearing a hat, pulled very low over her eyes, and large sunglasses. ‘Happy birthday, Mum. I brought a guest with me.’
Frank’s friend took her hat off and shook out a mass of blonde hair. She took off her glasses to reveal a deeply tanned face. She had four-inch nails, and underneath her coat she was wearing a very short, tight white dress.
‘Oh, my God!’ Mandy’s mouth hung open. ‘Are you Lexie Granger?’
The doll smiled, almost blinding them with gleaming veneers.
‘Who?’ Joan demanded.
‘Lexie is the soon-to-be-ex-wife of Dougie Granger. He’s probably the most famous footballer in England right now,’ Frank informed his mother.
‘In the world,’ Mandy added.
‘Never heard of him,’ Joan said.
‘My mother Joan, the charmer.’ Frank laughed.
Lexie offered Joan a hand. ‘Many happy returns, Joan.’
‘And this is my sister Laura, the artist, and her daughter Mandy.’
‘I’d like to see your paintings. Frank says you’re brilliant. When the divorce is finalized, and Dougie gets his bloody finger out and pays up, I’ll buy one,’ she promised.
‘Thanks.’ Laura smiled at her. It was a relief to have outside company. Suddenly the night ahead didn’t seem so daunting.
Lexie pulled out a chair and sat down beside Mandy.
‘But what on earth are you doing in Dublin?’ the starstruck teenager asked.
‘It’s like this, darlin’. After Dougie and I broke up, your uncle Frank here called me up, told me he was a literary agent and wanted to talk to me about writing a book. Reckons he can get me half a mill for it. He offered to fly me over here to write it. To be honest, I was glad to get away from the paparazzi for a while so I hopped on a plane. Frank got me the hat and coat and, so far, no one’s spotted me. It’s nice to be away from the madness for a bit. Some of the photographers are total scumbags.’
‘Wow, that’s amazing,’ Mandy drooled.
‘What kind of a book? Memoirs?’ Laura asked.
Lexie nodded. ‘It’s going to be a kiss-and-tell, innit, Frank?’
Frank grinned. ‘I like to think of it more as an in-depth and revealing memoir of your life. With heavy emphasis on your years with Dougie.’
‘Memoir!’ Joan snorted. ‘She’s a child.’
‘Nah, that’s the Botox, Joan. I’m twenty-six, love. That’s considered very old in WAG circles.’
‘WAG?’
Frank filled his mother in: ‘It’s a term used for footballers’ wives.’
‘How do you stay so thin?’ Mandy was staring at Lexie’s minute waist.
‘I don’t eat, and if I do, I stick my fingers down my throat. In my world, you have to be fit or you’re out.’
‘I wish I was thinner,’ Mandy said.
Laura jumped in: ‘You’re perfect.’
Lexie laid a manicured hand on Mandy’s arm. ‘Darlin’, if I came from a nice family like this, I wouldn’t have to starve myself.’
‘Where do you come from?’ Laura asked.
‘East London. I grew up in a council estate where people got stabbed or mugged every day.’
‘Good Lord, how did you get away?’ Joan sounded concerned.
‘The only way I could, Joan. I got my tits out.’
‘What?’ Joan was horrified.
‘Keep your hair on. These boobs were my passport out of that hell-hole. I got a boob job at sixteen, was on the Sun’s page three at seventeen and met Dougie a couple of years later. By twenty, I was married, living in a mansion, driving a Porsche and wearing designer clothes. All my dreams came true.’
‘It’s like a fairytale,’ Mandy marvelled.
‘It was, until I found out Dougie was sleeping with everything that moved behind my back.’
‘You certainly have the material for a good story,’ Laura whispered to Frank.
‘This book will be dynamite.’ He chuckled.
‘You didn’t have to flash your breasts to get on in life. You could have studied and gone to college and had a respectable job and married a nice man,’ Joan suggested.
‘You must be joking! I left school at sixteen and I’m dyslexic – I can barely read, love.’
‘How on earth do you propose to write your memoirs?’
Lexie threw her head back and whooped. ‘Write? Oh, no! I talk into a little recorder and some clever person turns it into a book. What do they call it, Frank?’
‘Ghost writing.’
‘Yeah, that’s it. I’ve got a ghost.’ Lexie grinned.
‘What did you do when you found out about Dougie cheating on you?’ Mandy wanted to know.
‘I cut up all his favourite suits – all the fancy Savile Row ones. Then I smashed all the windows on his Ferrari, pawned his watches and diamond earrings and changed the locks on the front door.’
‘Good for you,’ Joan said.
‘What did he say?’ Laura asked.
‘He didn’t say nothing. He went out and shagged my sister.’
‘What?’ they exclaimed in unison.
Lexie shrugged her tiny shoulders. ‘She’s my half-sister and a right slapper. We’re not close, but it still bothered me, as he bloody well knew it would.’
‘You couldn’t make this stuff up.’ Frank winked at his sister.
‘What did you do to her? Did you not kill her?’ Mandy was aghast.
‘I put her mobile number in the local paper under “escorts”. Apparently her phone hasn’t stopped ringing.’ Lexie giggled.
‘Cool.’ Mandy was awed.
‘It doesn’t really matter, though. She didn’t change anything. Me and Dougie was over anyway. It’s a pity. In the beginning the marriage was great. But he couldn’t keep it in his trousers and you can only ignore so much.’
‘He must be a blind fool. You’re stunning,’ Mandy gushed.
‘Thanks, babes. Now, that’s enough about me. Let’s talk about you lot. What’s the story with Frank here? Why’s he not hitched?’
‘Frank is the eternal bachelor.’ Laura laughed.
‘He’ll never get married – he doesn’t like being told what to do,’ Mandy added.
‘I’d love to see him settle down and have a family.’ Joan sighed. ‘He’s had lots of lovely girlfriends and some not so lovely ones, but the minute they start looking for commitment he’s gone.’
‘I like my life the way it is,’ Frank said.
‘Fair enough. At least you know what you want and you’re honest about it. That’s what I said to Dougie – “Why get married if you wanted to mess around?” He said his manager’d told him to get married, that it was good for his image. Charming! What about you, Laura? Are you married?’
Laura shook her head. ‘I never met the right person.’
Lexie pointed a pink nail towards Mandy. ‘What about her dad? No good?’
‘She didn’t have time to get to know him.’ Joan sniffed.
‘I’m the result of a one-night stand.’ Mandy pouted.
‘Most people are, darlin’.’ Lexie patted her hand.
Laura blushed. ‘Mandy’s dad, David, is a great guy, but we met when we were very young and it just didn’t work. He’s married to Tanya now and has two other daughters.’
‘Do you like your sisters?’ Lexie asked Mandy.
‘They’re only seven and six but they’re cute. The problem is Tanya, my stepmother. She hates me. She’s always in a bad mood when I go to see Dad. She can’t stand her perfect unit being ruined by me.’
‘She sounds like a Queen Biatch!’ Lexie pointed to Mandy’s T-shirt and they both giggled. ‘What about you, Joan? Any love in your life?’
&nb
sp; Joan bristled. ‘I was widowed twenty years ago and no one could ever replace my Harry. He was a wonderful husband. We had twenty-three very happy years together.’ Her hand shook as she took a sip of her drink.
‘He was a fantastic dad too,’ Laura added.
‘They don’t make ’em like they used to,’ Lexie said. ‘My granddad was great, straight up, no funny business. He was a milkman and proud of it. My dad, on the other hand, is in the nick, doing a ten-year stretch for armed robbery. It’s a wonder I’m normal at all.’
‘Don’t forget to put that in the book,’ Frank said.
Lexie glugged some wine. ‘Don’t you worry, Frank, it’s all going in there. It’s like my therapy, this book is.’
‘That’s how I feel when I paint. I get a lot of emotions out,’ Laura told her.
‘Do you paint, Mandy?’ Lexie asked.
‘No, I’m not creative at all. I’m crap at art.’
‘But she’s brilliant at the guitar,’ Laura said.
‘No, I amn’t,’ Mandy snapped. ‘God, Mum, you always exaggerate everything.’
‘That’s because she’s proud of you,’ Lexie said. ‘I’d love to have kids. Would you like more, Laura?’
Everyone froze.
‘What did I say?’ Lexie looked alarmed. ‘Flippin’ hell, you could get frostbite in here, the temperature dropped so fast. Did I put my foot in it?’
‘Laura had another little girl,’ Frank said, ‘but she –’
‘Drowned almost seventeen years ago.’ Joan’s eyes welled. ‘Her name was Jody.’
Lexie’s hand flew to her mouth. ‘Oh. Laura, you poor thing, that’s terrible. I’m so sorry, darlin’. How did you cope?’
‘Not very well,’ Laura admitted.
‘There was a lot of guilt involved,’ Joan said tightly.
‘Mum!’ Frank warned.
‘A child doesn’t drown if its mother is looking after it properly,’ Joan snapped.
‘Bit harsh, Joan,’ Lexie said.
Mandy stopped eating.
‘No, she’s right. It was my fault – completely my fault.’ Laura tried to control her emotions. Even after all this time, the pain took her breath away.
Lexie reached over to hold her hand. ‘We all make mistakes, darlin’.’
‘Not like that one,’ Joan muttered.
‘I live with the guilt every day, Mum.’ Laura’s voice quivered.
‘And I live with a broken heart. I loved that child like my own.’ Joan wiped her eyes with a handkerchief. ‘How could you –’
‘Mum, not now,’ Frank interrupted.
Mandy held her breath. She hated Jody being mentioned. She wished everyone would stop dragging it up. It had happened years ago and they needed to move on. It was like living with a ghost. Her stomach curled into a tight knot.
‘Right. Come on, everyone, we need a stiff drink.’ Lexie handed a glass of wine to Laura.
‘No, thanks. I don’t drink.’
‘Really?’
‘She’s a boring Pioneer.’ Mandy rolled her eyes.
‘She gave up shortly after Jody’s accident,’ Frank explained.
Lexie put the glass down. ‘Probably wise – you might have ended up drowning your sorrows in a bottle of gin for the rest of your life. I can’t have kids. I had an abortion at sixteen that went wrong. But I reckon I’ll adopt a black one, an Asian one and a white one, mix it up a bit.’
‘Children are not dolls,’ Joan carped. ‘I’m sick of celebrities adopting children of all races and parading them about as if they were a badge of honour. Motherhood is hard. It’s a never-ending roller-coaster. Your children let you down, hurt you, break your heart. It’s not all trips to the park and Christmas stockings.’
‘Come on, Joan, what about the good times, the happy memories?’ Lexie asked gently.
Joan looked directly at Laura. ‘I have to block them out. It’s remembering the good times that kills you. It’s too much pain. Jody was such a beautiful baby …’ She began to cry.
Lexie turned to Frank. ‘It looks to me like you’ve got a book of your own right here. You’ve got more skeletons than I have.’
Laura was quiet on the way home in the car. The things Joan had said had stung, as they always did. Seeing her mother just reminded her of the pain she had caused. It ate her alive to see Joan’s broken spirit. Their relationship would never mend. She could see that now.
She wished they could comfort each other in their shared grief, but it wasn’t possible. She had tried, she continued to try, but Joan didn’t want to know. Every year on Jody’s birthday Laura fell apart. She knew it was hard for Joan, too, so she always called her, but Joan never answered the phone. Laura left messages saying she was thinking of her and begging her to forgive her, but Joan couldn’t. A part of Joan had died on the day Jody had disappeared. Grief had changed her. It had aged her and crushed her spirit.
If it hadn’t been for Frank, Laura thought, she wouldn’t have got through those black days. He always called into her on Jody’s birthday and, even more importantly, on the anniversary of the day she had disappeared. He let her cry and scream and eat herself alive with guilt. But after a while he’d make her focus on the good memories. They’d look at photos and remember the cute things Jody had done – her funny wobbly walk and her infectious giggle – and Laura’s heart would ease, not much but just enough to get her through the day.
She knew she’d been a terrible mother. She knew that she hadn’t spent enough time with Jody, getting to know her, loving her, being her mother. The precious little time she’d had with Jody she had wasted in going out and partying while Joan had cared for her child. She felt sick every time she thought about it. It was after Jody had disappeared that Laura had fallen in love with her. It was after she lost her baby girl that she had realized how much she meant to her. Hindsight is cruel.
Frank was the only person Laura could talk to about her conviction that Jody hadn’t drowned. Over the years she had gone to countless fortune tellers, mediums and psychics. Some had told her they could see Jody’s spirit on the other side. Others had said nothing. A few had asserted that Jody was alive. Most had been quacks, Laura knew that, but she needed to try, to hope … Eventually after a lot of money and mixed, confusing signals, she had stopped going and kept her belief to herself. She knew she was clinging to straws but, deep in her soul, she knew Jody was out there.
‘MUM!’
Laura was startled. ‘What?’
‘I’ve been talking to you for the last five minutes and you’ve been staring into space.’
‘Sorry, what were you saying?’
‘I was telling you about next Saturday. It’s Nina’s seventeenth birthday party. Her dad’s hired a room in Chic nightclub. Everyone’s going. It’ll be amazing.’
Laura shook her head. ‘I don’t want you in a nightclub. You’re only sixteen.’
Mandy’s face clouded. ‘Everyone in my class is going. There’s no way you can stop me. I’m sick of being a prisoner in my own house.’
‘I’m not trying to stop you having fun or imprison you. I just think you’re too young for nightclubs. If she was having a party in her house it would be different. But that nightclub has a bad reputation – there was a knife fight there only about a month ago.’
Mandy thumped the dashboard in frustration. ‘I knew you’d bring that up. You always have to look for the worst in everything. It was the only bad thing that’s ever happened there and neither of the guys got hurt. They were thrown out straight away.’
Laura glanced at her furious daughter. ‘The fact is that the people who go to that club are obviously aggressive and dangerous and I don’t want you in that environment.’
Mandy rounded on her: ‘It’s always the same. You never want me to do anything. When I go out with my friends, you stalk me on my mobile. If I don’t answer it after three rings you freak out. It’s hell living with you. I hate it. I’m sick of being treated like a child. I’m sick of never being al
lowed do anything, go anywhere, be a normal teenager. I’m sick of paying for Jody. I’m not her!’ she screamed.
Laura gripped the steering wheel and tried really hard not to cry. She willed herself to remain dry-eyed, but it was impossible. The night had been so tense and now Mandy was screaming at her …
‘Oh, great!’ Mandy exclaimed. ‘Now you’re crying and I feel like crap. Forget it, Mum, I won’t go to the party. Forget I mentioned it. I didn’t mean to upset you.’
Laura felt awful. It wasn’t fair on Mandy. Jody’s shadow did loom over their lives. She leaned across briefly to touch Mandy’s hand. ‘No, you’re right, I am too protective. You can go, but I’ll be picking you up at twelve thirty.’
‘One, please, Mum. I’m not Cinderella.’
‘Twelve forty-five is my final offer.’
‘OK.’ Mandy suppressed a grin.
When they got home, Mandy went straight up to her bedroom. Laura boiled the kettle and made herself a soothing cup of camomile tea. She curled up on the couch in the lounge and watched the moonlight dancing on the water. Every room in the house had floor-to-ceiling windows so the sea was ever present in their lives and Laura found it immensely calming. She sipped her tea and tried to clear her mind. She was awash with orange after seeing Joan and tried to fight it.
Her phone rang. It was Frank.
‘Hey, sis, you OK?’
‘Bit wobbly.’
‘Orange night?’
‘Afraid so.’
‘She doesn’t mean to upset you,’ Frank defended Joan.
Laura rested her head on her hand. ‘I know. It’s not her fault. I don’t blame her. It’s just hard. I’ll be fine.’
‘Well, if you need to offload, call me.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Actually, I’ve got a favour to ask you that will be a good distraction for you.’
Laura was delighted to help. Frank had done so much for her over the years, spending time with Mandy, building bridges with Joan, encouraging her in her art … ‘Of course. What do you need?’
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