Mandy polished off her drink. ‘Oh, boo-hoo, poor little Sophie. She’s so confused. We must protect her and make her feel welcome. Nothing and no one but Sophie matters. Her happiness is all we care about. To Hell with everyone else.’
People were beginning to stare at them. But Sophie didn’t care: her blood was boiling. ‘It must be nice for you to have somewhere else to channel your anger. I understand completely why you have so much inside you. I mean, it must have been terrible for you growing up with a mother – who was actually your mother – who adores you and a father who loves you. Not to mention a grandmother and an uncle who also think the world of you. How many parent figures do you need, Mandy? Just how much love and attention can one person expect to get in life?’
‘Fuck you and your little Miss Princess of England act, with your perfect looks and your talent at art. Could you be more nauseating? You come crashing into my life and wreck it. My mother doesn’t even know I exist any more. Neither does my gran nor even Frank. And what the hell would you know about growing up with a stepmother who hates the sight of you? You in your little cocooned world, the headmistress’s daughter who never did anything wrong, the perfect student, the perfect daughter, the perfect human being. You make me want to puke.’
Sophie finished her drink and slammed down the glass on the table. ‘I’m going to leave before I say something I regret. In the meantime you might try growing up, you silly little girl. You’re behaving like a petulant child. It’s pathetic.’ Sophie stomped away from her.
She was overcome with yellow, the most intense yellow she’d ever known. She had to calm down – it was blinding. She went to find Mark to talk to him. He was lying on a couch, surrounded by adoring girls, stoned out of his mind, laughing hysterically at his little finger.
Sophie turned and went upstairs. She reached the first landing and found six people sitting in a circle. They looked nice, normal and not completely drunk or stoned. She stood apart, watching them. A good-looking floppy-haired boy was trying to remember the last line from Yeats’s ‘When You Are Old’ but he was stuck.
‘“And hid his face amid a crowd of stars,”’ Sophie quoted, emboldened by the vodka.
The boy looked at her and grinned. ‘Thank you.’ He beckoned her to sit down beside him. ‘I’m Freddie,’ he said. ‘And this is Sarah, Grace, Kate, Liam and Nigel.’
Sophie raised her hand in a little wave. ‘Hello, I’m Sophie.’
‘I love your accent,’ Kate said.
‘Oh, thanks.’
‘Where are you from in England?’ Grace asked.
‘London,’ Sophie said.
‘Beautiful, clever and foreign – an intoxicating combination,’ Nigel said. He was wearing a red smoking jacket and a cravat, which looked a bit pretentious but he seemed friendly.
‘Have a drink,’ Freddie said, pouring some brown liquid into a small glass.
‘What is it?’
‘Jägermeister.’ He handed it to her. ‘Just knock it back, like a shot.’ He demonstrated by drinking his.
What the hell? Sophie needed something to get her through this party. She drank it. They all cheered. The game was: you had to quote a verse of a poem but if you hesitated or got stuck, you had to drink a shot of Jägermeister.
Sophie thought it sounded easy. She had an excellent memory, but the drink had a very strong effect on her. She felt woolly-headed, light and airy, confident and funny. Everything was funny. She stumbled over her quotes, laughed hysterically and drank shot after shot after shot …
‘Wake up, you stupid cow!’ a voice shouted in Sophie’s dream. ‘Wake up!’ it shouted again. She felt herself rocking from side to side. She must be in a boat. Maybe she was dreaming of holidays.
Ouch! Someone had hit her. She opened her eyes. Two angry black circles were staring back at her. Who was it? She recognized her. She tried to figure it out but her mind was all fuzzy.
‘Sophie, can you hear me?’
Ouch! She’d hit her again. Sophie opened her eyes fully. Mandy. It was Mandy. What? Where was she? She looked around. She was lying in a bed – naked!
‘Arrrrgh.’ She sat up, holding the sheet to her chest. ‘Where am I? Why did you take my clothes off?’
‘You took them off all by yourself, or at least the guy I just threw out of here did.’ Mandy pulled Sophie’s pink top over her head.
Sophie’s eyes widened. ‘What guy?’
‘The one with the floppy hair, the one you were in bed with.’ Mandy handed Sophie her knickers and jeans.
But Sophie was too shocked to concentrate on getting dressed. ‘What did I do?’ she wailed. ‘Oh, my God, Mandy, what did I do? Did I have sex with him?’
‘How the hell should I know?’
Sophie pulled the sheet over her head. ‘I don’t remember – I don’t remember anything. Oh, God!’
Mandy grabbed the sheet, heaved Sophie to her feet and quickly dressed her. ‘We can talk about this on the way home. It’s three a.m. and Mum’s doing her nut. She’s called me about fifty times. I told her we were having fun and lost track of time but we were on our way home. And then it took me bloody ages to find you. I didn’t think you were such a slut.’ Mandy grinned.
‘What did I do? I can’t remember if I had sex or not. What kind of person does that? A cheap tart.’
‘Lighten up! You got drunk and horny – it happens.’
‘But I don’t even know if he used protection or not.’
Mandy pulled the sheet back and looked around the floor. ‘I don’t see any condoms.’
Sophie started crying. ‘I’m going to get a sexually transmitted disease. Oh, God, maybe he had Aids. I could be pregnant with an Aids baby!’
Mandy shook her. ‘Calm down. Don’t start imagining the worst-case scenario. You probably didn’t even have sex. Put your sandals on and I’ll see if I can find him and suss out what happened.’
Mandy rushed off to find Freddie, the floppy-haired Lothario, while Sophie crawled around trying to find her shoes, which she eventually discovered under the bed.
When Mandy came back, she was sitting on the floor bawling her eyes out. ‘My life is such a mess,’ she howled. ‘I hate this. I want my old life back. I don’t know who I am any more. I never would have got drunk and slept with a stranger in London. It’s not who I am.’
Mandy sat down beside her. ‘OK, turn off the taps for a minute. I have good news. Old Floppy-hair said you passed out before he got any action. He was very disappointed.’
‘So I didn’t?’
‘No, you didn’t.’
Sophie threw her arms around Mandy. ‘Thank God! I’m so relieved. Oh, thank you, Mandy, thanks for finding out. You’re the best.’ She punched her fists in the air. ‘Hurrah, I’m not a slut and I’m not pregnant.’
‘And you don’t have an STD.’
‘Yes, that too!’
‘Come on, we have to get home before Mum blows a fuse.’
‘Let’s find Mark.’
Mandy roared laughing. ‘Mark is so stoned he doesn’t know what day it is. I’ve called a taxi. It’s on the way and I said we’d wait at the front gate.’
The two sisters left the party, the older one leaning unsteadily on the younger one’s arm.
They sat on a bench at the grand entrance to the house. Mandy lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply.
‘I’m sorry,’ Sophie said quietly.
‘What?’
Sophie looked at her sister. ‘I’m sorry for barging into your life like this, out of the blue, and turning it upside down. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own pain and confusion that I haven’t thought much about how difficult it must be for you.’
‘I’m glad you’re back. Mum’s been half a person all my life. She tried her best to be a great mother, but half of her was broken-hearted. A big part of her died when you disappeared. She used to fall apart every year on your birthday in January and then again on the day you disappeared in August. I dreaded those days. They were a nightmare.
’ Mandy shuddered at the memory. ‘But it’s over now. No more of those dark days. The other good thing about you coming back is Gran. She’s actually becoming human. She even smiled the other day, which, believe me, is a rare sight. I always hated the way she was so mean to Mum – they had such a messed-up relationship – but since you came back it’s better. It’s still far from normal, but it’s definitely improving.’
Sophie smiled. ‘Thanks for saying that. It must have been awful for you growing up with all that tension and grief. It can’t be easy for you now either, with me getting everyone’s attention.’
‘To be honest, it’s a relief. I’ve had all these adults homing in on me all my life. It’s exhausting and claustrophobic. And, besides, to see Mum so happy is brilliant. She used to be so sad – even when she was happy she was still sad. But now she’s like a teenager in love or something. She’s all bouncy and carefree and just … well … joyful, I guess. I’m not saying all this isn’t weird for me, but I’m glad she’s happy. It’ll just take a while to get used to it.’
Sophie pushed her hair back and sighed. ‘I just don’t know what to do. My mum, Anna, wrote me this amazing letter and it made me realize how much I miss her. It’s always just been me and her, the two of us, no other family at all. And I know she’s really hurting. Her heart is broken. Whatever I do hurts someone. If I stay here, Anna’s upset. If I go home to London, Laura will be devastated.’
Mandy blew out cigarette smoke. ‘The way I see it, you have to do what feels right for you. You can’t spend your life trying to make other people happy. If you’re not happy, they won’t be either. I’ve seen it with Mum. She always tried to be normal on her dark days, when she really missed you, but I knew she was faking it and I hated it. I felt so bad for her but I had to play along too. I’d have much preferred it if she’d been honest and said, “I’m having a bad day so I’m going to stay in bed. I’ll be OK tomorrow.” The pretending was worse than the truth. My advice to you is to be honest with yourself and everyone else. If you want to go home and be with Anna for a while, do it. As long as you keep in touch with Mum, and come back to see her regularly, she’ll get over it.’
‘But I love being here. It’s so nice having a real family and finding out who I really am and where I come from. I feel so connected to Laura, but she doesn’t seem like my mum. She’s like a really close aunt or an amazing older friend or something.’
Mandy flicked ash on the ground. ‘Of course she does. You met her when you were already grown-up. You never knew her as a kid. She’ll probably always feel like that cool aunt or friend. I reckon Anna will always feel like your mum because she was your mum.’
‘For a sixteen-year-old, you’ve got a lot of insight.’
Mandy grinned. ‘I grew up in a house full of ghosts and secrets. You, on the other hand, grew up in a happy-clappy bubble. I learned to read situations and emotions very early on.’
‘I always wanted a sister.’
‘Me too, and my dad’s two shrimps don’t count – they’re too young. Besides, I know Tanya will turn them into complete nightmares. So, you’re all I’ve got.’
Sophie tucked her arm into Mandy’s. ‘You’re great.’
‘That’s the drink talking.’
‘No, that’s Sophie/Jody Roberts/Fletcher, or whoever the hell I am, talking.’
They were still laughing when the taxi pulled up.
38.
Anna
Dublin, August 2011
Anna pulled her cardigan around her. Although it was late August, there was a strong wind that made her shiver. Where was this place? She glanced down at the directions again: a small black gate in the wall, they said. Anna walked down the lane again, carefully scanning the wall, and then she saw it. It was a very narrow black gate, almost completely covered with ivy.
She pushed it open and walked through. On the other side there was a tiny park. It had a small fountain in the middle and four benches placed in a circle around it. Joan was sitting on a bench, reading a book. Anna took a deep breath and walked towards her.
‘Hello, Joan.’
Joan looked up. ‘Hello. You found it, then.’
Anna smiled. ‘Just about. It’s very hidden.’
‘That’s why I like it,’ Joan said, packing her book into her bag. ‘Hardly anyone knows it exists. It’s a little hidden treasure in the middle of a noisy city.’
‘How did you come across it?’
‘After Jody … Sophie disappeared, I used to walk for hours every day, trying to get away from my grief. And on one particularly bad day that first year she was gone, I found myself wandering down the lane and stumbled into it. It was so peaceful and quiet, a little oasis. It was the first time in a year that I’d felt some semblance of calm. It’s been a haven for me all these years. I’ve cried here, wailed here, raged at God here and prayed here.’
Anna nodded. ‘I need to find somewhere like this now. I thought when I went back to London to get the folders to send to Laura that being back in my house would be a comfort. Somewhere full of good memories, but it’s too far away from Sophie now. I need to be near her, even if she won’t see me.’
Joan patted the seat. ‘Come on, you look exhausted.’
Anna sat down. ‘I’m not sleeping very well.’
‘I know how that feels,’ Joan retorted.
Anna said nothing. She was nervous. She didn’t want a scene. She was feeling very fragile and raw. She missed Sophie terribly. She couldn’t handle Joan having a go at her.
As if sensing her concern, Joan said, ‘I didn’t ask you here to shout at you or throw blame in your face. I wanted to meet you to clear the air and to have an honest and frank discussion about everything that’s happened. If Sophie is to be truly happy then we need to find a way to move forward. I’m doing this for her. She’s suffered enough. We’ve all suffered enough.’
Anna was hugely relieved. ‘I really appreciate that. And I’ll do anything in my power to make Sophie happy.’
Joan looked directly at Anna. Her expression was intense, but not hostile. ‘We’ve had a lot of dark years filled with bitterness, heartbreak and grief. When I looked at the folders you sent Laura, it broke my heart to see all the birthdays and Christmases and Hallowe’ens we missed. But I have to admit that Sophie looked happy, she looked loved and she looked cherished.’
‘She was,’ Anna whispered. ‘She really was.’
Joan continued, ‘I’ve thought a lot, over the last few weeks, about you and what you did, and although it was wrong, not to mention criminal, I understand why you took her.’
‘Really?’
Joan nodded. ‘I understand the instinct to protect a child from harm. You did a terrible thing for the right reasons. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching recently and I’ve decided to forgive you. I’ve spent seventeen years being angry. But Sophie’s back now and I don’t want to spend any more time being bitter. I want to make her life happy and uncomplicated. She’s had enough to deal with – she doesn’t need feuds. Besides, Sophie loves you, and if we don’t forgive you and continue to push you away, we may lose her again. And I will never let that happen. So I’m forgiving you.’
Anna choked back tears. ‘Thank you. It means a lot. I never meant to hurt anyone. I just wanted to save her. I truly believed Sophie was in terrible danger.’
Joan patted Anna’s bony shoulder. ‘I know what a mess my Laura was back then. I understand why you took Sophie – seeing her mother passed out drunk like that was awful. Laura was unfit to look after a child. She was dealing with her own demons and I should never have left her in charge of Sophie.’
Anna fished a tissue out of her pocket. ‘I never planned to take her, I swear. It was as if something took over my body and I found myself carrying her away. I just felt instinctively, deep in my gut, that I had to save her.’ Anna wiped her nose. ‘Sophie was so small and upset and forlorn. Honestly, I had no idea I was going to take her until it was done.’
Joan sighed. ‘W
ell, we can’t rewrite history. And, if I’m being honest, you did a wonderful job raising her. She’s the loveliest girl I ever met. And those folders are a remarkable record of her life.’
Anna struggled to keep her emotions in check. ‘Thank you again. Every moment with her has been a gift.’
‘She was born a little dote.’ Joan sniffed. ‘I think I loved that child more than my own two. And then one day she was gone and I was devastated.’ Joan’s voice shook as she struggled to maintain her composure.
Anna looked at the older woman’s face, etched with pain as she recalled her loss. Anna knew she couldn’t change what she had done, but she could see how much she had hurt the woman and she felt physically ill. She reached out and laid her hand on Joan’s arm. ‘I’m sorry.’
Joan nodded sadly. ‘I know you are, but it’s time for all of us to move on. I’m determined not to waste the precious years I have left full of rage. Not now, when I have my beautiful granddaughter back. Our little angel is home. I have to let go of the past so I can enjoy the future with her.’
‘I think that’s a very good plan.’ Anna smiled. ‘Thank you for being so generous. I can see how much heartache my actions caused you. But all I saw that day on the boat was an unfit mother and a neglected child. If I had known that Sophie had a doting grandmother at home, waiting for her … well, things might have been different.’
‘It is what it is,’ Joan said. ‘And the important thing is that Sophie’s all right. She’s more than all right. She’s magnificent.’
‘How is she?’ Anna asked. She hadn’t seen Sophie in weeks and it was killing her. After that meeting in the coffee shop, she had stepped back as she had promised. She hadn’t even called, although Sophie had sent her texts every couple of days to say she was OK. It had been torture – she’d missed her daughter so much.
‘She’s doing really well. That awful strained look has gone from her face and she’s stronger, more sure of herself and, I suppose, of us. She’s got to know us now and she’s carved out her own place in the family. She’s painting a lot with Laura, which she loves.’
This Child of Mine Page 39