Out of curiosity, Devon asked, “What would you two have normally done with the swear jar money? Taken a vacation or something?”
Shaking his head vehemently, Sean said, “No way! We adopt a family every Christmas. You know, pick out some people who don’t have as much as us and play Santa Claus to them.” The radiant smile that stretched across his face hit Devon full force. “It’s the coolest!”
Clearing his throat, he tried to dislodge the lump of emotion stuck there. “No, you’re the coolest. You and your mom.”
“You mean it, Dad?”
“Of course I do. When I grow up I want to be just like you two.” Forgiving, loving, and with a heart of gold.
That earned him hearty laughter.
Grinning, Devon handed his son the flour. “Come on, we’ve got some cookies to make.”
An hour later, he slid the last batch into the oven. The oldies station on the portable radio blasted out a familiar Ottis Redding tune. “Hey, Sean, turn that up, will you? I love this one.”
The volume rose when his son complied. “Mom does, too. She said you two used to sing it all the time.”
Warm memories flooded Devon. In the late evening hours, having just made love, he’d hold Jewel close as they listened to his old squawky radio, sometimes singing softly along. Back then they’d dreamed together, fairy tales, it turned out. But he’d never felt closer to another human being in his entire life, before or since. A hollow ache throbbed behind his heart for all that they’d had and lost.
Shaking off the sad reminders, he moved to the counter. He spied the cat, sniffing at the empty mixing bowl. “Shoo, cat. You’ve had your dinner of tuna and milk.”
Sean, layering cooled golden cookies on a plate at the table, added his commentary, “And that was only the first helping. If we don’t watch out we’ll have to call him fat cat.”
The feline meowed in disapproval.
“He hates that name, too.” Devon plugged the sink and ran hot water over the dirty dishes. Adding a generous squirt of dish washing liquid, he playfully tossed over his shoulder, “Hey, Sean, you know what they’d call if he were on a tuna boat?”
Shrugging, the boy shook his head. “No, what?”
“Bait.”
A sharp screech sliced the air. The cat jumped to the floor, and then rushed out of the room. Devon turned the knob to off just as he and his son roared with laughter.
Entering the back door, Jewel was assailed with three distinct impressions. First, the wonderful aroma of sugar cookies transported her back in time when she was a little girl and Devon’s mother would have the sweet treat ready for her after school. Second, the nostalgic music playing also touched her in a different way, straight to her core. Third, the joyous sound of merriment warmed her heart and soul. What are they up to?
She came upon them, clutching their middles. A giggle escaped her, and then another, as their glee became infectious. “Hey, what’s so funny?”
In unison, they pointed to the empty doorway, and then burst out in another round of renewed amusement. She thought Sean managed to say something between fits and starts.
“Cut that out,” she choked out as she was swept up with them, chuckling uncontrollably.
A few minutes later, Devon finally calmed down enough to explain the situation to her, which set them all off once again.
“Uncle,” she cried, holding up her hands in defeat just as the buzzer on the oven went off.
Devon made short work of claiming the freshly baked goodies, and then placed the sheet on a pot holder near Sean. “That’s the last of them.”
Dropping her purse on a chair, Jewel sniffed appreciatively. “Yummy.”
“Ummm,” Devon agreed, letting his gaze lazily take her all in.
Heat crawled into her cheeks as she caught the unmistakable male desire shining in his eyes. A tug, low and deep, came to life.
“Sean, shouldn’t you be in bed, son?” Devon flicked his glance to the clock.
“But, Dad, I’m not all done yet.”
Jewel stepped in. “We’ll finish up here, honey.”
“Oh, all right.” The reluctance in his voice and demeanor shone through.
Hugging him tight, she dropped a kiss on the top of his hair. “I’ll be up later to tuck you in. Now, say goodnight to your dad and scoot.”
Releasing him, she watched as her son beamed at his father. “Thanks, Dad, for helping me. I know we’re gonna raise a lot of money for Tammy ’cause of you.”
“Anytime, son.” Roughness clogged his voice, squeezing Jewel’s heart.
Sean gave him the thumbs up sign, and then waited expectantly. “You’re supposed to press your thumb against mine,” he said sheepishly.
After Devon did what their son wanted him to do, Sean scampered off to bed. Turning to her, he asked, “What was that all about?”
Taken aback by her son’s gesture, Jewel moved to the sink, shoved up her sleeves, and then began washing the pile of dishes, trying to gather her shaky composure.
“Hey, I’ll do that.” Devon stepped behind her and placed his large, warm hands on her shoulders.
A haunting ballad came over the airwaves
“Really, it’s no problem.” She cursed the catch in her voice, knowing he heard it too by the way he tightened his hands on her.
Pressing close, he asked softly in her ear, “What did it mean?”
Halting the washing, she choked out, “Sean used to get teased when I dropped him off at school and kissed him good-bye. So we came up with an alternative that says the same thing, only no one knows it or uses it but us.”
“The thumb thing, right?” he asked hoarsely.
Nodding, she said, “It means, I love you.”
His sharp intake of breath whistled by her ear. For a moment she sensed his inner struggle, then his acceptance of all that it meant.
“Hold me?” he asked softly, so softly she barely registered the words.
Swiftly she dried her hands, and then twisted around to confront him. His eyes held a vulnerability she’d never seen before. An invisible pressure clutched her chest. She gathered him gently and he returned the embrace with a fierceness that stole her breath.
“What the hell did I ever do to deserve the two of you?” he murmured against her neck. The feathery touch and clean scent of him stroked the flames buried deep inside while his words pierced a tidal wave of tenderness in her core.
“Shhh! Don’t do this to yourself.”
“All I can give you is money or what it can buy. And you won’t take either.”
She pulled back slightly and his grip loosened, but he didn’t release her. Gazing up into his troubled expression, she noted the deep grooves between his brows and she longed to smooth them away. His questioning look nearly broke her composure. “Oh, Devon, don’t you understand we don’t want any of that stuff. All we want is for you to love us. That’s all that matters really.” She tapped a finger in the center of his chest. “I wish you could really feel it deep inside here.”
“There’s nothing left in there, nothing to give anyone, maybe there never was.” His voice caught and broke on the last.
Tears smarted the backs of her eyes as she grabbed the front of his shirt. “You’re wrong. You’ve got so much to give, but you’re afraid to admit it, afraid to realize you’re just as needy as I am when it comes to us.”
Cradling her face between his work-roughened palms, he said, “There’s no other woman who ties me up in knots the way you do. I can’t risk losing all that protection I’ve built up against you, or it will kill me, Jewel.”
The pain vibrating in his voice struck a chord of empathy deep inside her soul. A death knoll sounded in her mind, allowing her to visualize her plans crumbling into dust. “So we’re at an impasse. You won’t budge. And I don’t know how I can change the past. Or even to make things right to gain your forgiveness for making you dream, for siding with my dad that last night, for keeping Sean’s existence from you, and for making y
ou feel when you don’t want to.”
He stepped back, his touch falling away from her. Instantly, she missed the warmth of him. Jamming his hands into his pockets, he stared at her. A mixture of regret and indecision warred together in his eyes.
Gently, she said, “I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done to you that either I actually did or you took it that way. I never meant to hurt you, not once. You probably won’t believe this, but I don’t have it in me to do that to someone I love.”
Frowning at that, he carefully searched her face for a hint or a clue to a falsehood. He must have read the truth; his mouth slackened and his eyes widened as if dawning hit him. Silence reigned.
She realized he wouldn’t or couldn’t acknowledge his discovery. With a fresh wave of pain rolling through her, she made up her mind. “So, this is it.” Taking a deep, shaky breath, she asked, “Do you want to start divorce proceedings or should I?”
Chapter 19
With a hand clasped over her mouth and wearing only Devon’s denim shirt, Jewel paced the dark bedroom. As she turned, the pool of buttery illumination coming from the only source of light shone down on the object of her indecision. The phone beckoned her.
Doubts surfaced, gnawing at her middle. Five long days and even longer nights had passed since she’d asked Devon for a divorce. Thankfully he’d declined vehemently. She wouldn’t have known what to do if he’d accepted. But a part of her still ached for the release from the torture of knowing this was all there was for both of them.
The cat, curled on Devon’s pillow, eyed her closely while he thumped his tail lazily against the purple fabric. Sitting on the bed, Jewel scooped the feline up and snuggled against his soft, gray fur. “You miss him, too, don’t you?”
A sharp meow was her answer. Grinning, she said, “Devon swears you can understand us. So fella, or whatever your name is, do you think he’s avoiding me, or what? He’s talked to Sean everyday since he’s been in Texas, but not once has he asked to speak to me. Should I call him?”
Suddenly the cat broke free of her embrace, walked along the edge of the mattress, and then rested its paws on the black phone, scratching at the pad of numbers.
She gasped. “Either I’m crazy or you possess special powers. And I don’t even want to go there.” Taking a shaky breath, she scooted closer to the end table, then, once the cat scurried away, lifted the receiver. The dial tone mocked her. Glancing at the white piece of paper with Devon’s Texas home, ranch, cell phone, and office numbers on it, she punched in the one for his cell, assuming he’d pick that one up at ten o’clock her time.
As the clicks sounded over the wire, she grabbed for his pillow and gathered it close to her chest, inhaling the fresh, clean scent of the man she loved. The ring blaring in her ear sent her middle dipping.
“Marshall here,” he barked out.
Her heart flew to her throat, lodging itself there as she closed her eyes and savored the deep, richness of his voice. Tingles shot through her body.
“Hey, I know there’s someone there, I can hear you breathing. Who is this?”
His impatience jerked her eyes open and her back to reality. Swallowing hard, she said, “Hel…hello, Devon.” Inwardly, she cursed herself for the awkward break in her speech pattern.
“Jewel? Is everything all right? Sean? You?” The rapid-fire questions, filled with concern, gave her hope.
“We’re fine.”
He blew out a breath that made her shiver even over the hundreds of miles that separated them.
“I missed you.” She longed to drag back the heartfelt words and stuff them where they’d come from.
A soft groan sounded in her ear, sending more delicious quivers along her spine. “Me, too,” he said hoarsely.
For long moments silence followed. She was unsure of what to say or how to end the standoff. Finally, she thought she heard the rustle of paper. “I’m interrupting, aren’t I?”
“Not really. I was just trying to catch up on some things.”
“I’ll let you go then.”
“No, dollface, don’t.” Emotion filled his plea and tore at her soul.
Glancing toward the pillow bedecked headboard on the bed, she shifted so now her back leaned against the fluffy mound.
“Jewel, are you still there?”
Still holding his pillow close, she answered, “Yeah, just getting comfortable.”
“Good.” He paused. “What are you wearing?”
Puzzled, she said, “Your shirt, why?”
Another groan ripped across the distance. “Christ, I knew it. I’ve been sitting here every night picturing you in that shirt. With that and the fact you hardly wear any panties, you can’t even begin to guess how many cold showers I’ve taken since leaving Connecticut.”
She giggled as warmth spread through her bloodstream. “Not as many as I have.”
“Wanna bet?”
“Hah, I’ve got to sleep alone in the same bed where we’ve made love. You don’t.”
“You win.” She heard the grin in his voice and smiled.
Another lengthy, awkward silence rained. Jewel twisted the phone cord around a finger, trying to think of something to say to keep him on the line for just a little bit longer. She yearned to ask him the question at the forefront of her mind but feared she’d alienate him even more.
“You’re not going to ask it, are you, dollface?” When she didn’t talk, he continued, “I’ll be home in a few days. There’s a mountain of stuff I’ve got to take care of.”
Tears burned her eyes and she blinked rapidly, trying to will them away. He’d answered her unspoken query but not to her liking. “I understand, really I do.” Clearing her throat, she said, “You should see the shenanigans Sean and Kev are cooking up for the Halloween party in a couple of weeks. I don’t dare throw any trash out without our son picking through it for his various decorations and games.”
His chuckle chased away her overwhelming despair. Only a lingering sadness remained. “He’s been filling me in everyday.” He hesitated for a moment, and then said, “I didn’t think you wanted to talk to me, not after the other night when you asked for a divorce.”
An invisible hand squeezed her heart. “I don’t really want one, Devon. I just can’t see any other way. You’re stuck in the past. You have been for years, maybe even all your life. Well, at least since your dad died.”
“I owe it to him and my family.” The harshness of his tone pierced her core.
“Don’t you see? Sean and I are your only family left. Your mom is, too, but she’s being provided for the best way possible.”
“Are you saying you’re not?”
She cringed inwardly. “Not the way I want to be.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
Pressing her fingertips to the dull pain that throbbed to life, she massaged her right temple. “Forget it, okay?”
“You pick a fine time to bring this up, then just as quickly you’re dismissing it.”
Releasing a shaky breath, she dropped her hand and gathered her courage. “You need me for your little game of vengeance. Just once, Devon, I want to be wanted for me.” Her heart beat stilled, awaiting his response to her most precious desire.
“I always wanted you,” he whispered softly, shaking her. “It wasn’t for the money or even how beautiful you were and still are.” She heard the anguish and it made her ache. “I admit, I planned on seducing you when we were teenagers, getting you to help me find out the truth, then throwing everything in your father’s face.”
Gasping, she hated discovering what she’d always suspected but had never had confirmed before now. “Damn you, Devon Marshall!”
“I deserved that and a whole lot more. But what you failed to remember is I didn’t go through with it. I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t rip your heart out and stomp on it because I loved you so damn much it still hurts.” The roughness lacing his voice gave proof to his declaration.
The hot tears she’d held
at bay began to roll down her cheeks now. He had wanted her then but obviously not enough to stay, to drop his revenge. Sniffing, she scrubbed at the moisture on her face. “So you married me, then deserted me for twelve years, was that a better option?”
“Christ, I should have stayed away, but you had this pull on me. Still do,” he muttered.
“Why, Devon, just answer me that? It wasn’t just because I wouldn’t leave with you, was it?”
He let out a gusty sigh that told her more than words could ever hint at. “No, all right? You could do a hell of a lot better than me. I’m a bastard son of an adulterer and most likely a thief. And my mother hopped into bed with your father the first chance she got to save herself and me from being thrown out on the streets. I’m nothing, and you’re everything.”
She balled her hand into a fist as a mixture of anger and frustration welled inside her. “That’s not true. Do you think I care about any of that stuff? I fell in love with the young man who cared that I hurt, too, who was the only one that gave a damn about my feelings, who showed me my first sign of compassion and empathy in years, and who showered me with love.”
“Oh, dollface,” he said on a moan. “All that died in me a long time ago.”
“Oh no, it didn’t. You think you erased it, but you haven’t. It’s still there, but you’re afraid to show it, especially to me.”
“You see only what you want to see, Jewel, you always have.”
“I see what’s in your heart,” she challenged fiercely. “I see how you treat our son with love and respect. You’re so good with Kev, too. And if you could only know how much you’ve helped Cyrus by hiring him to work with the horses. For the first time in a long time someone truly knows he can still contribute to something special, that he’s just not a dried-up, old man, but a man worth something. Just like you are. I even see how you still do things for me, pretending you owe me for the long absence. You do them because you still love me.”
“I never said I didn’t.”
Crimes of the Heart (Heart Romance #2) Page 16