‘Am I supposed to be feeling sorry for him or something?’
I drop my gaze again and stare back down at the ground, leaving a couple of beats before I say anything. ‘What’re you gonna do?’ And I don’t look at him when I ask that question. I can’t. I feel like I’m beginning to emerge from some kind of trance-like state. I’m waking up. And the enormity of what’s happened over the past twelve months is starting to hit hard. But I’m not scared. I’m just sad, that I chose this route. That I let this happen.
‘I dunno. I gotta take all this shit in before…’
He trails off, and I can feel his eyes still burning into me as I slowly turn my head to face him. ‘Before what?’
He stays silent for a second or two, and his eyes remain locked on mine, and I’m not sure I’m going to get an answer to that question. ‘What exactly’s going on with you and him, Izzi?’
‘Your cousin?’
He laughs, but it’s a humorless one. ‘My cousin… yeah…’
‘I belong to him, Mack.’
He frowns, but he keeps his eyes fixed firmly on mine, he doesn’t let his gaze slip once.
‘I’m his property.’
He’s confused, I can tell, and I don’t blame him.
‘It’s complicated.’ And messy, and wrong, but it’s the way things are now. And I’m OK with that. I have to be.
‘I don’t understand any of this, Izzi.’
And I’m not sure I can say anything that’ll make it any clearer.
‘You really want to be with a man like that?’
My eyes burn into his. ‘And he’s different to you, how? You made me your property…’
‘But you were never mine to take, were you? So, no. I never made you my property, Izzi. I couldn’t. And I’ll ask you again – do you really want to be with a man who treats you like that?’
‘Like what, Mack? Like a toy he can pull out and play with whenever he wants? Because you treat me like a princess, didn’t you?’
‘No. No, I didn’t. But maybe I want to.’
I can’t stop the laugh; it’s a knee-jerk reaction to a ridiculous comment. ‘Yeah. Of course you do. Because that’s what guys like you do.’
‘Guys like me?’
He narrows his eyes but I’m not buying his crap. ‘Guys like you, Mack. Outlaws. Bikers. You treat all your women with respect, don’t you?’
He laughs, and I keep my eyes fixed on his, I’m not breaking this stare. ‘You know nothing about me or the world I live in, Izzi. What you’ve been exposed to; I don’t know what the hell kinda crap they been feeding you…’
‘Have you ever been in love, Mack?’
That stops him in his tracks, and his expression shifts slightly. ‘No.’
‘It’s an emotion that can fill you with the most incredible happiness, yet it can also rip you in two. It can make you feel invincible, and it can hurt like hell. And when it’s ripped away from you in a way so brutal and unexpected, it’s a pain like no other.’
‘Izzi…’
‘You don’t ever want to feel that pain, Mack. And I can’t go through it again. I can’t. So I’m staying with Zeb because he keeps me numb and he gets me through and now that I can’t avenge Aiden’s death…’ I shift my gaze and drop my head and I try to ignore the ache that tightens my chest.
‘He – Sam – he’s right about one thing, Izzi.’
I slowly look up, and his face is kinder now. He’s lost the harshness that was there before, but the confusion is still evident. ‘Right about what?’
‘Killing Viper was never gonna solve anything.’
‘Wasn’t it? I mean, isn’t that the way clubs like yours deal with things? One of your own is killed and you seek revenge? Isn’t that what you do? Because I’m sure as hell you don’t just shrug and walk away.’
‘That’s different.’
‘That’s different? Jesus…’
‘Yes, Izzi, it’s fucking different. My world isn’t your world…’
‘It is now.’
He moves a step closer, and his eyes bore into mine. ‘Tell me the truth, darlin’. Right now – right at this very moment in time do you really want to end a man’s life?’
I hold his gaze and I try to push aside all the crap that’s running round inside my head now, but it’s like everything’s suddenly shifted. Something changed tonight. I just can’t work out what that something is. ‘I…’ And I don’t know, if I want to kill a man. Now. I don’t know. All of a sudden I’m not sure anymore. Or maybe I really am just starting to wake up. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Then don’t do it. Don’t even think about it, leave the whole fucking thing alone, Izzi. Walk away from that retribution and start again. Take the pain you still feel and let it make you stronger, but don’t let it stop you from living.’
It’s my turn to be confused now as he takes another step towards me, and he tucks a finger under my chin and he kisses me; the most beautiful, gentle kiss that just contradicts everything I thought he was.
‘Whatever shit they’re spinning you, Izzi, you don’t have to go with them.’
‘I can’t stay here, Mack. Not now. Viper will always be watching me, and I don’t know what he’ll do…’
‘He won’t do anything, baby.’
‘His word means nothing. I’m not that naïve, I know he won’t forget what I came here to do.’
‘He won’t do anything. Because you’ll be with me.’
I look up into his eyes and I shake my head because it can’t happen. It was never supposed to happen. But I messed up and I let emotions get in the way and I – I messed up.
‘You’ll be with me, Izzi. And I won’t let anything or anybody hurt you, darlin’, you have my word on that. And my word, you can trust that.’
I shake my head again, and I wish he’d stop talking now. I know what I have to do, and it isn’t this.
‘I have to go, Mack. I have to get out of here and start again, I can’t stay.’
He bows his head and rakes a hand over his hair. ‘Then let’s leave together.’ He slowly raises his gaze and I stare at him.
‘No, Mack. No. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be…’
‘She’s right.’
We both swing around to see Sam standing in the doorway, his hands in his pockets, his expression impassive.
‘Zeb’s in the truck, Izzi. We’re all ready to go.’
‘Hang on. You can’t make her go anywhere.’
Sam looks straight at Mack, and his eyes are cold and hard. ‘No, I can’t.’ He turns his attention to me, and I feel my stomach dip, but then I remember everything this man taught me; everything Zeb taught me, and the strength slowly returns, flooding my body, and I almost breathe a sigh of relief. I can still do this. I don’t really have a choice.
‘He isn’t making me do anything I don’t want to do, Mack.’
‘Jesus… yes, Izzi he is! You’re telling me you want to go with them?’
I walk over to him, and I cup his cheek in my hand and guide his face down until my lips touch his, and I kiss him. I let him kiss me. I let his arms fall around me and I press myself against him and I lose myself in something I can’t have, just for a few more seconds. And then I pull back slightly and look into his eyes, and I see a different man. The kind of man I don’t need. And I wish with all of my fucked-up heart that things were different.
I take a step back but he grabs hold of my wrist and pulls me back against him. ‘You want to live the rest of your life numb, Izzi?’
I search his face, I stall for time, but I can’t change my mind. I can’t live with the fear and the worry and the pain I might have to endure, all over again. I can’t do it. So I don’t say anything. I just kiss him one more time before I break free of his grip and walk over to Sam.
Sam’s eyes meet mine as I pass him, and he rests his hand on my shoulder and smiles, just a small smile but it’s a reassuring one. I know what he’s trying to do, and I’m grateful. So I smile back and squee
ze his hand and head off to find Zeb. He’ll make it OK. He’ll take away the crap and numb the pain, and that’s what I need.
I don’t need Mack Slayer.
Mack
I watch her walk away and that numb feeling she was talking about, I’m feeling it too.
‘You have to decide what you want now, Mack.’
I look up to find him there in front of me, in my space, and I want him outta here. But I want her to stay. ‘Just leave me alone.’
‘I can’t do that. Not now.’
Jesus. I fucking need this, don’t I? ‘Whatever the hell you came here to do, you’ve wasted your time. I don’t care who the fuck you are, I want you off my compound.’
‘I said I wanted to work with you, Mack. Remember?’
I look at him, and I’ve gotta give the guy kudos because he ain’t going nowhere without a fight. He’s got some balls, walking in here like he owns the place, throwing orders around like he has some kinda right.
‘I still want that to happen. I really do want to work with you. But it can’t happen here.’
I narrow my eyes and stare him down, because I don’t have a clue what the hell he’s talking about. I don’t want to work with him. I want Izzi to stay, and I want to show her the kinda man I can really be, or the kind she can help me become, because, right now, I’m not sure I know who I want to be.
‘Do you want her, Mack?’
I’m even more fucking confused now. ‘What?’
‘Izzi. Do you want her?’
I step back and laugh, and I hate the fact nerves were present there. I’m not nervous. This guy doesn’t intimidate me. He’s nothing. He’s just another hustler who’s spent his life trying to get by using whatever means he can. And isn’t that exactly what I’ve been doing?
‘Because, if you do – if you want her, then you’ll find her.’
‘I thought she belonged to Zeb.’ I say that with more than a hint of sarcasm, which he ignores.
‘She does. For now. But what they have, it isn’t real. He’s her escape, her way of avoiding the reality she’s still too scared to face. And she’s his project. His toy, if you like. But she’s taken that role on willingly. She knows what she’s signed up for. But you were wrong, when you said I didn’t care about her, because I do. She’s become like a daughter to me these past few months and I care deeply about what happens to her.’
‘And you’re OK, are you? With her and Zeb? You’re OK with that whole messed-up scenario?’
‘For now, yes, I’m fine with it. She still needs some time out. She isn’t ready yet. But she’s slowly waking up, Mack. And one day she’ll want more than Zeb can give her. And I’m hoping that day isn’t too far away because I don’t want her to spend the rest of her life not caring, about anything or anyone. I want her to live again.’
I don’t know where this is going, but there’s a strange feeling kicking up in the pit of my stomach; I can’t explain it. But it’s telling me things are changing, whether I want them to or not.
‘One day she’s going to wake up, and she’s going to want something else, Mack. Something more.’
I can’t keep the frown off my face. This is all just too crazy for me to take in.
‘I saw the way she looked at you; the way you looked at her…’
‘Then let her stay here.’
‘You know that can’t happen. You know, just like I do – just like she does, that Viper won’t let this go. He gave me his word that he won’t touch her, but we all know his word, on that score, means nothing. He’ll hunt her down and he’ll kill her, eventually, if she stays here, or even close to here. So you know she has to leave. Come on, Mack, you aren’t that naïve.’
I drop my head and sigh heavily. I can’t deal with this shit. It’s too fucking much.
‘Do you want her?’
His question causes me to look up, and he knows my answer. I don’t have to say a fucking word.
‘Then you’ll find her.’
‘And then what? I mean, if I can’t bring her back here…’
‘We all start again, Mack. Together. Somewhere new. Somewhere people don’t know us.’
‘All? You think I want to be anywhere near you or…’
‘We all start again.’ His eyes stare straight into mine, his expression silencing me, man, he is freakin’ pissing me off big time. ‘Together.’
He starts to back off, his eyes still boring into mine, and I’m struggling to get my fucked-up head around any of this. ‘You want me to leave all of this behind, huh? This club, this chapter, they’re my fucking family!’
‘It’s up to you, Mack. Everything is entirely your decision. But she can’t come looking for you. She can’t ever come back here. So, if you want her, you’ll have to decide whether the sacrifices you’ll have to make are going to be worth it.’
‘Is this not just some sick game of yours to get me back in your life?’
He laughs, and I’m even more pissed now. ‘You’re entitled to think whatever you like, Mack. But this isn’t a game. Yes, I want you in my life. I want us to build a new Soldiers of Darkness chapter, work together to make it one we can all be proud of…’
‘I don’t want you anywhere near this fucking club…’
‘And you’re right to feel protective. It’s your club. But I don’t want to take it over, Mack. It’s always going to belong to you. I just want to be a part of your life.’
‘Get off my compound.’
I’ve had it now. He can take his hopes and his fucking dreams and shove ‘em up his ass, I’m done. I ain’t going anywhere.
He looks at me, and his eyes are cold as fucking ice as they stare me down, but I still ain’t intimidated. ‘If you want her, Mack, you’ll find her.’
I keep my eyes on him until he’s out of my sight. And only then do I lean back against the wall and sink to the ground, dropping my head into my hands.
I want her.
I don’t want to leave behind everything I’ve built up here.
So what choice do I fucking have?
Chapter Twenty-Six
Izzi
I feel his hand on my thigh and my eyes flutter open as he kisses me, and I open my legs to let him lie between as he wakes me up in a way I’ve gotten used to over the past few months. Sleeping with Zeb is a kind of contradiction, because the last thing he really wants to do is sleep. And sometimes it’s exhausting, but every time he touches me he removes a little more of that pain – maybe removes is the wrong word. I’m not sure anyone will be able to take it away forever. But he masks it, for a while. He eases it. He makes me forget, albeit temporarily.
‘Hey, princess.’
I reach up to touch his rough chin, my fingers running over his dark beard before they rest against his mouth. And he takes my hand and kisses my palm and I draw my legs up around him, biting down on my lip and smiling slightly as I feel his cock rigid against my hip. ‘Hey back. You need that seeing to?’
He grins, and I laugh, and I open my legs wide as he drops his hand and touches me, opening me up with his fingers before his cock slides inside me and I moan quietly, raising my hips and arching my back as I take him deep. This is my life now. This is what my life has been since we left North Carolina a little over five months ago, and I kind of like it.
Zeb’s opened up a tattoo studio in town and I help out there sometimes, watching him work, hanging out with the kind of people who’ve become my world now. I’m slowly getting used to my new existence. Although what me and Zeb have, exactly, I’m still not sure.
I lift my legs and pull them towards myself, forcing him in deeper, and his groans are long and loud as I grip him tight. He doesn’t always hold the power in this game. After all, he taught me to take control, and he gets the benefit of that training.
He takes hold of my hips and flips me over so I’m straddling him, and he’s still inside me, and I throw back my head and start to ride him hard because I know that’s what he wants. So I grind my hips down onto h
is as I lean forward, running my tongue up over the base of his throat and I feel his groans vibrate right through me, which excites the hell out of me.
His hand falls into the small of my back, keeping me pressed against him and I shift position only slightly, grinding down onto him again until my clit gains just the right amount of friction it needs to start that surge of white-hot pleasure coursing through my body.
I clench my muscles and grip him tighter, and he cries out loud and his hand presses down onto my back and I start to ride him even harder, even faster, because the pressure’s building. He’s about to come, I know the signs now, and I know I won’t be far behind him but I hold back for a second or two. I let him have his release first, and I gasp quietly as he stills inside me, and then I feel him pump out into me, feel him come with so much force I can’t hold back any longer. I relax my muscles and let my own climax hit, let my moans fill the room as my body jolts and jerks with the weight of the most beautiful orgasm. It sweeps right over me, every inch of my skin is on fire, and I cy out again as another wave hits, taking me slightly by surprise. What this man can do…
And then he pulls out of me and turns me over onto my back, and I’m not sure I was done there, but I’m guessing we’re not finished. And I don’t want to be, I’m not completely satisfied yet. I want to come properly, totally, whether he’s back inside me or not.
He places a hand at the base of my spine and pushes me upwards, and he leans over and takes one of my nipples in his mouth, his tongue circling it until I cry out in frustration. My thighs are burning up, and I need him to do something to ease the ache that’s building between them. So when he gently and carefully slips his hand inside me I can’t help the cry of relief that seeps out of me. And he’s still sucking on my nipple, still teasing me with his tongue, and I feel his cock grow hard again, it’s throbbing against my thigh as he continues to fist-fuck me.
I raise my arms above my head and grip the edges of the pillow tight as he pushes a little further into me, he must be in up to his wrist now, I can feel him, filling me up. And the moans and cries continue to flood from me as he pulls me further away from all the crap I need to forget and closer towards something I need to grab onto. Something different.
Broken (Soldiers of Darkness MC Book 1) Page 24