by Suzie Twine
By the time she arrived, it was half past three. There was a skip parked on the front drive, which already had several carpets in it and the Lino from the kitchen and bathroom. As Lois came into the house she was surprised to hear radio four blaring from a small radio tucked behind the stairs. She heard Dean shouting instructions to two men, who were carrying the old bath down the spiral staircase. Lois briefly introduced herself to them. They managed to pant out their names. They were both apparently called Martin. One of them chuckled breathlessly, “We’re the house Martins!”
As soon as they were out of the way, Lois went upstairs to see how much progress had been made. The toilet and basin had been disconnected and in no time the house Martins were back upstairs to remove them. The floorboards throughout the upstairs were all in good condition and amazingly, no woodworm in sight. Dean was really excited by this; he liked the idea of sanding down and varnishing them. Lois wasn’t so sure. In London, in a flat, it was a great idea. But in a cottage bare floorboards would not be cosy enough and Lois didn’t like the thought of a baby crawling on them. But she just told Dean she thought leaving them exposed sounded like a great idea and she’d talk it through with Tom.
Lois suggested making tea. Both the Martins asked for a cup of hot water, in which to brew their herbal teas, of which they had brought a selection and Dean asked for a pint of water. Lois was astonished. She hid the kilo of granulated sugar that she’d bought, to cope with the needs of the builders, at the back of the cupboard and briefly contemplated giving up sugar herself. Then she shrugged, put two rounded teaspoons into her large cup of strong tea, then added another one for luck.
The four of them sat down in the garden and discussed progress. Dean had organised an electrician, who he’d worked with before, to come and quote for rewiring the cottage, he told Lois he trusted this man and that electrics were definitely not something to skimp on. He then handed her an approximate cost that Danny the electrician had come up with. Lois was horrified, “Five thousand pounds, for such a small cottage?” she felt it was far too much.
“When can he start?” Lois asked, tentatively.
“Tomorrow, he’s between jobs at the moment and would just have time to fit it in. I doubt you’ll find a much better quote Lois. Electrics are expensive.”
Lois wasn’t surprised the man was between jobs, charging prices like that. Her intuition was to give Danny a miss, or at least get some more prices for the rewiring job. She told Dean that she would see if she could use Annie’s computer to organise some more quotes, at which point Dean offered to make a couple more phone calls to people he knew.
Lois phoned Annie at work to explain the problem and ask if she could use the computer. “No need!” said Annie, chirpily, “I know just the man. I’ll call him now and see if he can pop round, I’ll let you know. His name’s George by the way.”
At five o’clock, George arrived. A man in his sixties, who lived in the village. He’d done all the electrical work for Richard and Debbie’s extension and was the electrician for the Manor. He and his son would work in the evenings, starting the next day, from four ‘til seven and Saturday if necessary, and his quote was half that of Danny’s. Lois felt very smug and wondered how to spend the money she’d saved.
George gave her a list of items to buy and told her where to go for them. She felt surprisingly relieved to have a defined task for the next morning. No sooner had George left, than Dean gave her a list of plumbing fittings that he would need for the following day.
“The other thing is the bathroom paints, I presume you’re leaving the skirting and architrave as it is and just tarting it up with a bit of paint are you?” Dean asked.
“Gosh, I haven’t given that any thought, would it look okay if it was just painted over?”
“Yeah, that’ll be okay. But the window ledge, you’ve got some rot in there. Perhaps you’ll change the windows will you? Get some proper double glazing in?” The cottage had wooden, Georgian style windows, which had seen better days; some of them were secondary ‘glazed’ with sheets of Perspex.
They both went upstairs and did an inspection of all the wood in the bathroom. The window ledge was definitely rotten and would have to be replaced. Lois and Tom had discussed a budget within which to keep this first renovation, they planned to extend the cottage later and luxuries like double glazing would have to wait until then, it was bad enough adding the electrics into the current equation.
“We’ll just repaint the skirting and bits,” said Lois, “The windowsill, I’ll have a think about. Tom’s Dad’s very good at woodwork, maybe he’d be able to do something with that.”
“Oh, I’ve just remembered Lois. There was a scratching coming from the loft earlier. I had a look and found you’d caught a glis glis. Very naughty!” Lois blushed; worried that Dean might report them for setting a trap. “So I whacked it on the head, put it out for the kites and reset the trap for you, ok?”
“Thanks Dean,” said Lois, relieved.
They discussed the paints Lois needed to buy. Lois began to realise that she was going to be very busy over the next few weeks, just shopping for materials.
Tom arrived at the cottage as Dean left. He’d picked up a takeaway on the way home, which they sat and ate on the floor of the living room, propped up against the wall. They filled each other in on the days events. Then Tom cautiously slipped into the conversation that Pippa and Chris, his parents, were coming for a visit to help out, tomorrow.
“Tomorrow!” wailed Lois, turning white, “Oh God, how am I going to feed them? Entertain them? I’ll be out shopping for most of the morning. Oh Tom, I really wish you hadn’t invited them without asking me!”
“Well, they sort of invited themselves actually. It’ll be fine Lo, Crapper will bring enough lunch for the whole street and Piss’ll work in the garden. They’ll be a great asset, you’ll see!”
“And please, stop calling them that, one of these days…”
“I know, I know, one of these days you will accidentally call them Crapper and Piss to their faces and it will all be frightfully embarrassing! I think not actually Lo, the most casual you’ve been in addressing my parents is calling them Mr. and Mrs. A.”
“Well maybe not, but imagine how awful it would be!”
“Oh, they’ve heard it all before, Joe used to call them that all the time, in front of all his friends and theirs very often. They sort of got used to it.”
Joe was Tom’s older brother, who having been a bit of a wild youth, was now, allegedly, growing up. He was married, living in St Albans, with a ‘steady job’ as an estate agent and a baby due within the month.
“Well can you please ring them and let them know they’ll have to take care of themselves, for the morning at least.”
Lois and Tom had decided to stay at their own cottage that night, despite Annie kindly offering for them to sleep next door. Annie had looked stressed that morning and Dave, having said he would call round and check the glis glis trap in the loft, had not materialised. He had apparently been meeting up with his accountants during the afternoon. Lois felt they probably needed their own space. Anyway they would be fine in Honeysuckle now Tom’s ribs were feeling so much better.
As they had no usable bathroom, they used the outside toilet, which was attached to the utility room, accessible from the yard by the back door. Then they washed at the kitchen sink.
In the middle of the night Lois tried desperately to ignore the need to go for a wee. Getting up in the night had become an ever-increasing habit over the past few weeks of the pregnancy. She really didn’t want to have to make her way to the outside loo. She contemplated crouching over the open pipe that was left where the bathroom toilet had been taken away, but decided it was probably going to cause more problems than it would solve. So, torch in hand, she made her way down the wooden treads of the spiral staircase, through the kitchen, out the back door and into the toilet, the door of which she left open to let the three-quarter moon shine in. From where
she sat, she had a perfect view of the garden and watched, in disbelief, as a barn owl swooped down, into the long grass of the ‘lawn’, disappeared momentarily, then flew off, with a mouse in it’s beak to the silver birch in the centre of the garden and proceeded to eat it.
Lois sat for some time, absolutely mesmerised, to start with by the owl, then once it had flown away, by the sheer beauty of the night. She could hear Tom calling to see if she was all right. He’d also got up to pee and of course had managed very well with just a pipe, but was wondering what was taking her so long. Lois called him down, she wouldn’t have woken him up to see it, what with having to go to work the next day, but since he was awake anyway…
The pair of them sat on the small, crumbling, garden wall for about twenty minutes, until cloud had partially hidden the moon and the first drops of rain started to fall. They didn’t talk; they just watched, listened and absorbed the beauty and tranquility of the night.
As they climbed back into bed Tom suggested perhaps they should leave the lawn long to encourage wildlife. Lois laughed and told him he wasn’t going to get out of his gardening jobs that easily and pre-empted his next question by saying no, they didn’t need, neither could they afford, a ride on lawnmower.
11
The next morning Lois and Tom both woke early and had a strip wash at the kitchen sink, standing on Annie’s old towel that Lois had forgotten to return. Tom seemed to be adapting very well to having his arm in plaster. It was much easier to get on with everyday routines now that he had jettisoned the sling. Lois helped him wash the bits that were too painful for him to reach, admiring the various shades of bruising interspersed about his torso.
Tom went off to work, wishing her luck with his parents, which made Lois scowl her goodbye. She tidied up as well as she could, left the back door open for Dean and made for the electrical and plumbing wholesalers as instructed.
She got back at ten o’clock to Chris and Pippa’s estate car parked on the lane outside the cottage, with, as always, the boot left open. On seeing this Lois was reminded that Pippa would have bought countless bits of tat for her and Tom, and expect her to examine them all at length, despite the fact that she had a million things to do today.
Lois took a deep breath, got out of the car and made her way to the house, reminding herself what helpful, loving and caring people they were. She said how lovely it was to see them, hugged Chris and tried to hug Pippa, but she was too busy thrusting a large plastic crate overflowing with newspaper articles and old magazines at Lois.
The first three articles Lois glanced at, had the headlines, ‘Don’t Invest in Property Now!’ ‘Moving to the Country is so Last Year!’ and ‘The Chiltern Glis Glis.’ Well that was enough for Lois; she firmly put the basket in the corner of the room and told Pippa she would read them all later. At which point Pippa handed over her next ‘presents’, gardening gloves, a trowel and a pair of secateurs. Now under other circumstances, Lois would have taken these presents as a personal affront. Lois had a habit of translating Pippa’s acts kindness into a personal criticism of her own ability to function as a grown-up. So bringing some gardening tools would be pointedly indicating that Lois knew nothing about gardening. But, since she did know absolutely nothing about gardening and, more importantly, these items might just keep Pippa out of her hair for the afternoon, Lois thanked her warmly.
“And,” said Pippa walking towards the front door, “I’ve made a lovely quiche for lun……ah, get away, get away you horrible dogs!” she shrilled. Lois and Chris followed her out to see Annie’s dogs Reaver and Rupert just finishing up the remains of the ‘lovely quiche’ in the boot of the car. As Pippa ran towards them, waving her arms and yelling, the dogs jumped nonchalantly out. Rupert burped his appreciation while Reaver slunk off with a knowing look of “Oops I think we’re in trouble.” Raucous laughter emanated from the open bedroom window where the House Martins were lapping up the entertainment.
At that moment Annie emerged from her driveway and walked towards the car, with the dogs peering out sheepishly from behind her. Lois didn’t know what to say, so decided to introduce everyone as if nothing untoward had happened. But before she had opened her mouth Pippa said, very accusingly, “Are they yours?” Annie nodded, assuming she was going to be complimented on her lovely dogs. “They ate my quiche!”
“I’m sorry?” said Annie, looking bewildered.
“They climbed into the back of our car and they ate my quiche!” Annie, seeing the House Martins leaning out of the bedroom window laughing, thought it must be a joke and started to smile. Then she saw the look of disgust on Pippa’s face, apologised profusely and said she would drive to the village and buy a replacement.
Pippa turned away sulkily; clearly no shop bought quiche was going to be a match for her homemade dish. She never had liked dogs! Lois mouthed to Annie not to worry, but Annie said she would go to the village straight away.
On returning to the house, Lois decided it was time to get Pippa involved in the garden. “Mrs. A, how would you feel about making a start on tackling the jungle at the back of the house?”
“Yes, I can do that for you Lois,” said Pippa, smugly, “come and tell me where you would like me to make a start.” The two of them walked out into the back garden. Pippa looked quite taken aback by the state of it, “Oh my, it’s lucky I like a challenge! I’m not sure the trowel’s going to be too useful at this stage, eh Lois?” Pippa shrieked with laughter at her own joke. “What tools have you got here?”
“Do you know Mrs. A, I’m not sure that we’ve got anything more than what you brought with you, but let’s go and check the garden shed and see if anything’s been left.”
Lois and Mrs. A waded through the long, thick grass, nettles and thistles, to the shed. Lois trampled down the smaller weeds around the door and opened it gingerly, praying she wasn’t going to come face to face with rodents of any description. Lois gazed in disbelief. She’d hoped that there might be a few rusty old garden implements, enough to keep Mrs. A. busy for the remainder of the day. But what she actually found was a shed full of brightly coloured, pristine looking tools and garden machinery and a shelf, upon which sat four garden gnomes, a packet of Rizzlas and a box of matches.
“Wow! That’s amazing! Mrs. Smith’s relatives must have forgotten this lot when they came to clear out……or maybe they don’t have a garden.”
“Let’s make the most of it shall we?” said Pippa, donning the gardening gloves and grabbing a big branch lopper. “Okay Lois, you get on with your jobs, leave the garden to me!”
Lois walked back towards the house, surprisingly impressed with Pippa’s gung-ho attitude. En-route, she decided to make a detour to the outside loo. As she sat, she puzzled over the shed full of goodies. The tools and machinery, she sort of understood, an oversight on the part of the greedy relatives. But the gnomes were a bit odd, they looked brand new. Why would anyone buy four garden gnomes and leave them in a shed? She decided the most likely explanation was an unwanted gift and decided not to give them any more thought.
Emerging from the toilet, Lois could see Mrs. A. giving the brambles, at the bottom of the garden, hell. Seeing Lois out of the corner of her eye, Pippa called out, asking if Lois had noticed if there was a scythe. Lois walked back across the grass, meeting Pippa by the shed door. “No, I don’t think so,” she glanced around the shed, “there’s a petrol strimmer though and a chainsaw, would you like to have a go with those?” she gave Pippa a joking nudge.
“Oh yes!” Came the response, Pippa looking more animated than Lois had seen her in a long time, “I’ve always wanted a go with decent garden machinery.”
Lois hoped she was joking, but wasn’t sure, so decided the best thing to do was to send Chris out to keep things under control. Returning to the house, Lois was delighted to find him on the floor with what looked very much like a cardboard template for a windowsill in front of him. Dean had apparently shown him the problem in the bathroom and Chris had taken it upon himself
to sort it out.
“Hope you don’t mind me taking this job on board Lois, you know how I love a bit of woodworking.”
“That’s great Mr. A., thanks. But I would also be very grateful if you would go out in the garden and supervise your wife with the garden machinery, I’m a bit worried she’s going to bite off more than she can chew.” The proverb made Lois feel sick as one of Pippa’s limbs being mangled up in the chainsaw sprang to her mind.
“Oh God, well it wouldn’t be the first time.” Mr. A. got up and marched out to the garden with a look of determination on his face.
Lois went into the front garden with the paint colour charts and her mobile and shortlisted the paints she liked, she was planning an escape for the afternoon. Buying paints for the entire house could keep her out for some hours.
Mel had suggested one particular paint manufacturer, saying the paint was expensive, but worth the extra cost. Lois looked at their chart first, but seeing paint names like ‘dead trout’, ‘rhinoceros breath’ and ‘churlish taupe’, she decided to give them a miss. She couldn’t imagine telling her friends they’d painted the dining room in dead trout.
She looked at all the charts at length, wanting to be daring with colour, but feeling that perhaps she wasn’t quite brave enough. She called Tom to try and get his opinion. He was in the middle of an important meeting and was quite cross that Lois had asked his PA to call him out. “We can discuss this later Lo, I can’t do it now, anyway Dean’s not going to be painting the rest of the house until next week, why the need to buy the paints today………oh, I get it, you want to go out. Well you’ll have to find something else to go out for. Leave the paints for today! Love you!” and he was gone.
Lois felt momentarily despondent, but was quickly distracted by the sound of a loud mechanical noise coming from the back garden and went to investigate. There was sixty-five year old Pippa, all five foot three of her, wielding an enormous strimmer at anything and everything that got in her way. As Chris walked past he said, “I tried Lois, I tried, but she is a very determined woman, Tom’s mother. I’m going in, I can’t bear to watch! Oh and Lois, don’t go within ten foot of her will you.” Lois decided she really couldn’t watch either and as she couldn’t buy paints today, she would instead, go and register with the local GP. She would be due for her next antenatal appointment in a couple of weeks, so it was something she needed to do. She told Chris and Dean where she was going, said she wouldn’t be long and disappeared.