by Suzie Twine
“That’s what I’m here for!”
By the second week Lois was feeling that the wedding was now pretty much organised. It was, after all, planned as a comparatively minimalist affair. The guest list consisted of Lois and Tom’s immediate family, Mel, Jim, Adrienne and her partner Jane and the neighbours. It had been a relatively last minute decision to invite the neighbours, excluding children, but including Sicily, Maureen and Bill, who weren’t, strictly speaking, neighbours. The only adult neighbour not to be invited was Charles Black. In fact Lois was sorely tempted to deliver a ‘Not Invitation’ through his door. She actually designed one on the computer and printed it out. ‘Mr. and Mrs. Geoffrey Shenfield DO NOT cordially invite you to the marriage of their daughter Lois Helen to Mr. Thomas Arthur Allan, because you are a nasty, small minded little man!’ She felt better for having written it down.
Social services contacted Lois to let her know that they had organised a team of cleaners to go in and give Bert and Betty’s cottage a blitz. The pest control people would hopefully arrive at the same time to assess the glis glis problem. Would Lois please leave the key for them, under the flowerpot by the back door, for the following Monday morning? The plan was for the occupational therapists to bring them for a visit to the house on Tuesday and assess what help they needed at home. Apparently Richard had been very firm with Bert, saying that they would only be discharged from the hospital if he accepted some regular help. Then, once help was in place, they would come home, hopefully on Friday.
In the event, Bert and Betty came home on the Wednesday, with support from carers twice a week. Lois called in to see them the first evening. She was astounded by how clean and tidy the kitchen looked and how relaxed and happy Bert and Betty both were. Whilst they sat having a cup of tea, Lois asked, “So, do you think you could make it to the wedding on Friday? Adam said he’d take you didn’t he?”
“Lois,” Betty gave a little giggle, “we wouldn’t miss it for the world, eh Bert?”
“Tha’s right. Booze and good grub. Why d’ya think we come ‘ome today? Time t’ settle back in, then a nice day out on Friday. Smashin’!”
27
Lois woke at five on the wedding day and went to the loo. Outside the bathroom window, rain was hammering down on the roof of the outhouse. It can only have rained half a dozen times since they’d moved to Harewood Park. Why today of all days? She looked in the mirror at her huge self as she washed her hands and shrugged. It could all be a lot worse; at least theirs was not to be a huge, white affair. She imagined how she would feel if she’d booked an open-topped, horse drawn carriage. Now that would be depressing. Anyway she’d heard that many a successful marriage started on a rainy day.
She got back into bed and snuggled up to Tom. She knew he must be exhausted. He hadn’t got back from work until ten o’clock the night before. He’d had an important project that had to have all the loose ends tied up before he went off for his long weekend. But, Lois was feeling particularly rude that morning. This was not an unusual state of affairs at this stage in her pregnancy and Tom was certainly not complaining.
“One last chance for sex before marriage?” she whispered in his ear. He rolled over with a sleepy grin on his face.
“Well, if you insist, almost Mrs. Allan!”
It was ten o’clock by the time Lois and Tom got up. They had both fallen back to sleep afterwards and only woke when they heard the post fall through the letterbox.
“Bloody hell!” Lois squealed in panic, seeing the time on the bedside clock. “How can it be so late? Mel’ll be here in a minute and I’m not even showered yet!”
Tom did his best to jump out of bed. “Stay calm my little Pumpkin grower, stay calm, we’ve got a whole hour until we have to be there! I’ll do the most important thing. I’ll make the tea.” He gave Lois a peck on the cheek before she disappeared into the bathroom.
By the time Tom had made tea and toast and brought it upstairs, Lois was showered and half way through drying her hair, wearing just her enormous bra and colossal pants, the sexiest she’d been able to find. Tom put the tray down and looked over Lois’s shoulder at her reflection in the mirror and put both his hands gently on her tummy. “You are the most beautiful woman in the world and I love you more than pie! And Pumpkin, you are the most beautiful baby in the world and I love you more than pie too!”
“That’s lovely Tom, but it’s time you were getting ready.” Lois laughed. Having finished drying her hair, she tried her best to eat her toast and put on her very expensive tights at the same time. After teetering around, almost falling over, and getting marmite much too close to them a couple of times, she gave up on that idea and just shoved the remainder of the toast into her mouth whole and chewed the best she could. Tom had his phone camera out in a flash and got a photo of her balancing on one leg, cheeks like a hamster and looking very cross at the sight of the camera.
“Now there’s one for the wedding album!” Tom chuckled, before aiming quickly for the bathroom, out of reach of a slap. There was a knock at the door just as Tom got into the shower. Lois pulled on her dressing gown and went downstairs to find Mel and Jim had arrived at the same time. Both looking very smart and well prepared for their respective responsibilities, Maid of Honour and Best Man.
“You’re not ready!” Mel and Jim exclaimed in unison. Mel grabbed Lois by the arm and marched her towards the stairs. “What the hell’s going on Lo? You said you’d be ready to leave at 10.30.” The door to the bathroom opened and Tom appeared, dripping wet with a towel wrapped round his waist.
“It’s all her fault. Insisted on ravishing me at the crack of dawn. The woman’s a crazed beast!” Lois arriving at the top of the spiral staircase, reached to where Tom was leaning over the bannister and gave him a loving slap on his wet head.
“I thought sex was supposed to be a good way to induce labour. Isn’t that a bit of a risky thing to do today?” said Mel.
“You don’t believe that old wives tale, surely Mel?” said Jim laughing. “Imagine all those couples whose babies are overdue, wouldn’t need drugs to start the labour. They’d just be prescribed sex three times a day!”
“Come on, we’re going to be late!” Mel tried to refocus the men to the matter in hand and away from the thought of sex with heavily pregnant women. Lois and Mel disappeared into the baby’s room, where Lois had hidden the dress, to get her changed.
Tom raised his eyebrows as Lois walked down the stairs to where he was waiting. “Wow Lo, you look absolutely stunning!” Her dress was cream, three quarter length, in silk satin; it couldn’t have been more flattering.
“It’s lucky she’s got short hair and doesn’t go too mad on make-up!” said Mel.
“Not bad going, all ready by ten forty-five. And Lois and Tom, I have to say, you look very presentable. How pregnant is Lois now?” asked Jim, grinning.
“Thirty eight weeks and counting,” said Lois as she picked up the bag she’d bought to match her dress, checked she’d got everything, and walked out of the front door.
The decision was to drive to the Manor, time being of the essence. Although the rain had now stopped, there was still a stream of rainwater flowing down the road. They arrived at the front door of the manor five minutes before the ceremony was due to start. Members of the hotel staff grabbed them as they walked through the door, to pin white carnations to Tom and Jim’s buttonholes. Lois and Mel’s bouquets were thrust into their hands and they were ushered straight into the room where the ceremony was to take place.
It looked stunning. There were beautiful floral bouquets adorning the various tables around the room. The sun was trying to break through the cloud, lighting up the spectacular gardens and lake that were clearly visible through the huge panelled glass doors. The seating was arranged in a U shape so that Lois and Tom could be seen by their guests and vice versa. As they walked to their places, one of the registrars was turned away from them, talking on her mobile. The second registrar, whom they had met previously shook t
heir hands and explained that Ms Sheila Williams would perform the ceremony and that her own role was to record the details in the register. Lois and Tom took their seats. Both of them glanced around at their guests, waving and thanking people quietly for compliments on their appearances and the beautiful venue.
Mel nudged Lois, “Pleased to see the flowers are fresh!” she commented, with a grin.
When the other registrar turned around, a minute or so later, Lois was rendered immediately speechless. She was the woman who had been in front of Lois at the supermarket checkout when her ‘waters had broken’!
Lois turned a very bright shade of red. She could not remember feeling so embarrassed at any point in her life. She desperately wanted to tell Tom, but Ms Williams started to welcome everyone and introduce the civil ceremony, so Lois just started praying silently that Sheila Williams would not remember her.
It wasn’t like Lois to blush and Mel wondered why it had happened, Lois had always been socially very confident. Suddenly, Mel found herself overcome by a strong urge to laugh. Unusually, she managed to stop the laughter emerging. However, her shoulders starting shrugging up and down, gradually increasing in speed and momentum. Lois caught this movement in her peripheral vision. She made herself focus extremely hard on her and Tom’s hands, mapping freckles and lines, to stop herself laughing. She barely heard any of the words that Ms Williams was saying.
Gradually, as Tom and Lois repeated their declarations, Lois’s need to laugh subsided and she managed to re-focus on the ceremony, the serious nature of the occasion taking hold. But then, just as Ms Williams recited the words ‘..my lawful wedded wife,’ to Tom, she farted. Loud enough for Lois, Tom, Jim and Mel to hear, very clearly. Well that was it for Mel. She was ready to burst at the seams. She bit her lip and closed her eyes tight. The other guests wondered what on earth was the matter with her. Debbie and Annie both fought back their giggles, Adrienne and Jane were not so discreet and their shoulders started to shrug up and down, little titters emerging.
By this time, Lois was beside herself. Tom had managed to complete his vows in a very composed fashion, but as it came to Lois’s turn, she didn’t think she could open her mouth without laughing. Her bladder was also getting very full, which really wasn’t helping!
“I, Lois Helen Shenfield, take thee, Thomas Arthur Allan to be my wedded husband,” said Ms Williams.
“I, Lois Helen Shenfield,” said Lois, not daring to look at Tom’s face, because she knew it would be too much, “take thee, Thomas Arthur Allan,” Lois suddenly felt a wet sensation in her knickers and pulled hard on her pelvic floor muscles, “to be my wedded husband. Oh God!” The wetness was now gushing down her legs and onto the floor. Lois went white as a sheet as the colour drained from her face, with the thought that she’d wet herself, whilst taking her vows!
The guests were aghast. Lots of hands went up to mouths. “Oh bugger off!” said Jack, rather louder than he’d planned, when he saw the puddle around Lois’s feet. Jim pulled up a chair to sit Lois on before she hit the decks, and encouraged her to put her head between her knees, which she had to splay to make space for Pumpkin.
“What’s going on?” Betty asked Bert, having heard the sound of pouring water and then the gasps.
“It’s Lois Love, she’s wet ‘er self!”
“Oh dear!” exclaimed Betty.
Debbie and Richard went straight to Lois’s rescue. Richard knelt down next to her. “Have your waters broken Lois?”
“Oh my God! I hadn’t even thought of that.” Lois concentrated on whether her bladder was still full for a moment and yes, it was. “Yes. That’s what it is! Oh my God, I’m going to have a baby!” The blood once again drained from her. This time she didn’t have to be told to put her head between her knees. Excited rumours spread around the room that it was her waters that had broken.
As Lois re-emerged and brought herself into an upright position, Ms Williams said loud and clear, “I hereby pronounce you man and wife. Thomas, would you like to kiss the bride?” Tom, who was looking fairly shocked himself, knelt next to Lois, cupped her face in his hands and kissed her. There was a huge cheer and round of applause from the guests. “I love you Mrs. Allan,” said Tom, taking Lois’s hands in his, “how are you feeling?”
“Well, wet. Otherwise okay, I think. No twinges or anything.” Lois turned to Richard. “What do we do now?”
“Well. Let’s take you home to change. Call your midwife and let her know. Are you going for the home birth? I can’t remember what you decided.”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Birthing pool?”
“Yes, in theory. It arrived yesterday, but it’s not set up.”
“Okay,” said Richard, “well, while your guests start celebrating, we’ll go and set up your pool and turn on your hot water tank.”
“Oh, I tell you what,” said Debbie, “it would be worth Annie and Dave putting on their hot water as well, in case yours can’t cope. I’ll ask them shall I?”
“Yes please,” said Lois, as she got up from the sodden chair. “Look at the state of my dress!” she said trying to turn to see the back of the skirt. As she did so, one foot scooted away from her on the slippery wooden floor. Tom just caught her under the arms before she lost both feet and landed in a heap, in the puddle. He helped her negotiate the walk to dry land. “Now that would have added insult to injury!” she laughed. “Or perhaps the other way around?”
“Before you go!” called Ms Williams in a shrill voice, “you need to sign the Register!”
“Oh gosh, I’d completely forgotten!” said Lois. Tom linked his arm through hers and guided her around to the other side of the registrar’s table. A cleaner was now busily mopping up the puddle. “Tom, this is increadibly embarrassing, I’m so sorry.” Lois whispered towards Tom’s ear.
“Lois, I am delighted! It means Pumpkin’s coming. And this is certainly a wedding that won’t be forgotten!” Tom smiled and kissed Lois on the cheek. Tom, Lois, and their respective fathers, who they had asked to be witnesses, signed the Register and everyone cheered again.
To Lois’s surprise her father gave her a hug, “Well done young Lois, you held it together very well, under the circumstances.”
“Thanks Dad.” Lois felt tears welling up in her eyes. Tom could see that Lois was starting to feel emotional and was looking cold, so said his thanks to the registrars and started to turn her in the direction of the door before too many guests wanted to chat. As they turned, Ms Williams took Lois by the hand, “Good luck Lois, hope it all goes well,” and in a quiet voice she added, “It was bad luck that, your waters breaking. I hear it’s very rare for them to break in the day time, and to have it happen twice, well!” she smiled and winked at Lois, who squeezed her hand and thanked her for everything.
Debbie came back to report that Annie and Dave’s hot water had been left on anyway this morning. She asked Lois if she would like her to come back to the house. Lois was delighted with the offer, Debbie and Richard both instilled a lot of confidence in her and that was exactly what she needed right now. Richard went to fetch his raincoat for Lois to put over her shoulders, so the entire manor staff were not able to see her sodden dress. The four of them then left, leaving Mel and Jim to inform the guests what was happening and that Lois and Tom would return as soon as possible.
At the cottage, Lois and Debbie went upstairs. Debbie helped Lois out of the dress. “Lucky it was in the sale!” Lois joked. She was starting to feel excited now. When her waters broke she really didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, but now she was on quite a high. They went through the wardrobe for a replacement dress. There was only one that fitted, so the decision was made easy. Lois went for a shower and Debbie went back downstairs to make tea. Richard and Tom had managed to put the frame together for the birthing pool and were just working out how to put the lining in. They had positioned it at the back of the living room by the French windows.
“Have you turned on the hot water?” Debbie ask
ed Tom.
“Ah, thanks for reminding me,” said Tom, “I’ll go and do that now.”
Tom had already rung the midwife and explained the situation. Hattie, having established that Lois had not yet started having contractions, suggested they returned to the reception for now and keep her informed. She promised to call in on Lois at some point during the afternoon.
When Lois came downstairs she looked fantastic. The loose fitting cotton dress that she was wearing was one she bought for a holiday several years ago and had hardly been worn. Tom was almost speechless. “Gosh Lo, you look amazing! Really, what’s the word? Radiant.”
“Why thank you kind sir!”
Lois, Tom, Richard and Debbie drank their tea and the men completed the erection of the birthing pool, then the four of them returned to the reception, to a rapturous round of applause.
Richard insisted that it was fine for Lois to have a glass of champagne, which she sipped slowly as she mingled amongst friends and family. “Lois darling, you look so lovely in that frock! Oh I am proud of you, you were so brave sweetie!” Irene gushed. More compliments from her mother, blimey, this was becoming a habit! Then, she hugged Lois. A real, proper hug. “How are you feeling Darling? Any twinges?”
“No, nothing…” Lois was about to say “yet” when she felt a pain in her lower abdomen. “Ooh just a little twinge there.”
“I say Lois, some of your guests seem a little unusual. Who are they?” asked Lois’s mother, looking towards Jack, sitting in his wheelchair.
“Unusual?” butted in her father. “Down right rude if you ask me!”
“No one is asking you Father,” said Lois feeling riled. “Jack has had a stroke, that’s all he is able to say. Now why don’t you stop being so judgemental and go and have a chat to him, he’s a really nice man.”
Much to Lois’s astonishment, her father said, “Oh, I do beg your pardon. Right-o.” And off he went, her mother in tow, to introduce themselves to Jack. Lois went to find Tom to let him know she’d had her first twinge and suggested that since the buffet was laid out, they should start eating.