“Because I won’t let what you did ruin the remainder of my life.” I felt my spine straighten and my chin raise.
“I forgive you, because I don’t want to hold onto the past. But know this: what you did that night killed the girl I was, as sure as if you’d stabbed me to death. I will never get it out of my system, and I will remember you and think about what you did every day for the rest of my life.”
In front of me, Emmett went pale. His lips moved, but nothing came out, and I knew that what I was saying was not what he wanted to hear.
“But I refuse to let your actions drag me down. Not today, and not ever again.” My voice shook with emotion, but it wasn’t rage. It was grief. I was just... full. “I won’t thank you for what you did, but surviving it made me stronger.”
Clamping his lips shut, he glared.
“And that’s a punishment that’s better than anything I could ever imagine. I can’t wish that this had never happened, because that means I wouldn’t be who I am today, and I certainly can’t be thankful that it happened. I just have to accept what is, and now that you know this, I can leave here and fully move on.”
“So in a way, you cursed yourself that night, because you know you’re guilty. And every single day for the rest of your life, you’re going to think about me, and about the fact that you couldn’t drag me down. And you’re going to be stuck in here, reliving the guilt over and over. Knowing deep down that you deserve what you’re getting. Knowing that I’ve forgiven you, but that I won’t ever forget.”
Stepping away from the table, I watch the rainbow of emotions pass over his face—rage and fear and nausea and more. But they don’t affect me... he can’t hurt me anymore.
“I’ll get out of here.” He spat finally, the spoiled brat in him finally coming through. “All I did was post those photos.”
“You think whatever you have to in order to get through the day.” I looked at the guard, nodded to signal that I was done. He swore, and within an instant a buzzer had sounded, Hanson had hold of Emmett’s arms, and Wilson was in the room, hand again on her taser, this time eyeing me with concern.
“Everything okay in here?” She eyed Emmett with disgust, and though I’d though I would appreciate it, it just made me sad.
I watched as Emmett was pulled out of the visitation room, and let the grief finally come, filling in the empty spaces. I grieved for the girl I’d lost, but with that came joy for the woman I now was.
“It’s good.” I replied finally, and it was.
Because the woman I now was, was certainly not perfect, not even fully healed.
But I had a damn good life, and now I’d laid my demons to rest.
Somehow, by doing this without Mal and Dorian?
It made me appreciate the men that they were, overprotectiveness and all. But I’d needed to know that I wouldn’t collapse if one or both left. To know that I could move past my trauma alone.
And now I knew.
Having two rocks to shelter me from the storm was a blessing. But if those rocks were worn away, I’d stand solid on my own.
Chapter Five
MAL
Dorian was due back tonight. I should have been home with Adele, who put on a good show, but still wasn’t dealing with the news of the arrests very well. I thought that maybe his coming home would, well, not snap her out of it, because it wasn’t fair to expect that. But at least bring her some happiness again.
It was something I was failing miserably at. It seemed like the tighter I held on to her, the more she slipped away, and it fucking freaked me out. I hadn’t even been able to tell D what was going on, because I knew he’d freak, and what was the point in worrying him when he was so far away?
Instead of being at home, where was I? At Java the Hut with Emma, working on our project. I’d insisted on a public venue, and it should have been fine. Except that all the tables had been taken when we’d arrived, and so we were not so cozily ensconced on one of the plush loveseats, which kept pushing our thighs together.
It was distracting, and not in the way that Emma intended.
“Are you okay?” Placing a sticky note to mark her place in her textbook, Emma glanced at me with wide blue eyes. To an outsider, I probably sounded crazy for claiming that she was putting the moves on me. But this was the woman I’d considered proposing to... I knew her.
She was wearing blue jeans and a T-shirt, nothing fancy. But the jeans were snug and low slung, the top just a little bit too tight and too low.
Her hair was around her face in tousled, sexy waves, and there was a definite hint of sexy come-fuck-me perfume wafting off of her when she moved.
My body remembered all of these things, called to mind some fantastic times we’d had together, sweaty and naked.
My brain? Was at home with my grieving girlfriend.
When Emma shifted again, dropping her pen and accidentally brushing her breast against my leg as she bent to pick it up, I felt my eyes cross. My cock was paying attention to the boob touch—I wasn’t dead, and Adele and I hadn’t had sex since that rough night I’d come back.
But I didn’t appreciate the overt flirtation when I’d made it clear—or at least, I thought I had—that I wasn’t interested.
“Emma.” Firmly pushing her leg away, I scooted as far over to the side of the couch as I could get. She arched an eyebrow at my tone of voice.
“Mal.” Settling back in the couch, she offered me the view of a hint of her lace bra, and I felt my blood pressure rise.
I couldn’t take this. I needed to set boundaries, or the rest of the semester would be a nightmare.
“I can’t do this right now.” I meant this, this cat and mouse game that was even harder on me than it could have been because things were so shaky at home. But she took my words a different way.
“I could use a break too.” Stretching hugely, her shirt rode up to offer me a glimpse of toned belly. “Should we go grab some dinner?”
Oh, for fuck’s sake.
I studied her for a moment, caught the hint of mischief in her eyes. She knew she was driving me nuts, and if I still knew her at all, she intended to keep right on doing what she was doing until she’d worn me down.
I needed to do something other than just refuse, so she could tell me that I was overreacting and interpreting her actions the wrong way.
“Dinner. Okay, sure.” Making a lightning quick decision, I started to pack up my books.
“Great.” Her voice was surprised, as though she hadn’t expected me to give in so easily. “You know, it’s really nice to have a friend here.”
“Friends are always good.” I smiled at her as sympathetically as I could manage. “Let me just call Adele so she can get changed before we pick her up. And my... Dorian... will be back any minute now. Where do you want to go? I’ll text him so he can meet up with us. He’ll be hungry.”
“I... what?” Emma blinked at me as I stood, swinging my bag onto my back.
I played dumb. “What? If you meet them you’ll make more friends.”
Huffing a breath out through her nose, Emma ground her teeth together. If she’d been a cartoon, I would have been able to see steam coming out of her ears.
“I thought we could have a nice dinner, just the two of us. Maybe keep working while we eat,” she added, suddenly inspired.
I sighed. I wasn’t going to get out of this without being blunt.
“No.” I said it as firmly as I could.
“No?” She wrinkled her brow.
“No.” I shook my head to emphasize my point. “It’s one thing that we were assigned to be study partners. But Adele and... Adele is only understanding to a point, and I can’t expect any more. So if we do anything besides studying, she’ll be coming.”
And so will Dorian, I added mentally. Maybe I should just tell her about my triad. Maybe that would blow her mind enough to put some distance between us.
“Why would you stay in a relationship with a girlfriend who won’t let you do anyt
hing?” Emma changed tactics, standing, and I could all but hear her brain clicking away. “That doesn’t sound like much fun.”
“Watch it.” That was it. Now I was mad. But I remembered this...
Emma was a master manipulator. It was one of the reasons I’d ended things.
“Let’s make this clear.” I hooked the second strap of my backpack on. I was so done for tonight. “I don’t expect Adele to put up with me going on dinner dates with other girls, because I expect more from her than from any other girl I’ve been with. And I know that she expects that I don’t want to see other girls, and she’s right.”
Emma’s face crumpled, and I steeled myself against the waterworks that I knew were coming.
“I just... I miss you, Mal.” She sniffed, and sadness washed over me, sadness for what had once been. “We were so good together.”
“We weren’t really.” Though her body might tempt me, I knew that I was right. Sometimes it was easy to remember the past as better than it had actually been.
And no way had Emma ever been better than Adele.
“I’m going to go,” I informed her, trying not to respond to the tears that I knew were only half real.
I didn’t want her to really feel bad. And I was pretty sure she’d convinced herself that what had been between us was good and could be reignited.
I had to do it... I had to pull out the big guns.
“Text me when you’re ready to work again.” Swallowing thickly, I waffled, then finally just spat it out.
“And if it helps? I’m with Adele. But Dorian? He’s not just a friend.”
DORIAN
Red was the best color in the entire fucking world.
“Dorian!” Adele made the cutest fucking squeaky sound as she opened the door and found me standing on the other side. The way she rushed into my arms made me feel like a big fucking man, and in that moment I couldn’t have cared less if the band ever played another gig, I was just so happy to be home.
When she let me go enough to reach, I caught her lips in the kiss that had been waiting for the last two weeks. As I sank into her sweet warmth, the taste of her mouth, I felt my heart do a strange little flip.
I knew I would never have actually cheated. At least, I was ninety-nine point nine percent sure, because I believed in never saying never. But the fact that I’d even been tempted scared the shit out of me.
This, here, was everything I’d never imagined I’d wanted and now couldn’t imagine living without.
The red haired little everything in my arms twined herself around me like a creeper vine before I could even step inside the condo. I chuckled against her lips when she rubbed herself against me suggestively.
I was bone tired, starving, and after riding in the van with the guys all day, I probably didn’t smell all that great.
But I was also Dorian fucking Marshall, and the day I didn’t give my woman what I wanted was the day I dropped dead. Preferably while in Adele’s arms.
We had a few things to discuss first. I’d planned to get them out before we got naked. But when she did this little wiggle thing with her tongue on my neck, I felt my eyes roll back in my head and decided that maybe once to get it out of our systems wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all.
“Me-row!” Over Adele’s shoulder I caught sight of a little ball of fuzz, streaking straight for... you guessed it... my sneaker.
“Damn it, Humper! Wait!” Quickly toeing off my Converse, I kicked it down the hall. Humper turned in mid stride, chasing after it with frenzied passion. Seconds later I heard contented purrs and the sound of licking, and grimaced, but knew that he’d be well occupied for a few hours.
“Is this reunion private or can anyone get in on it?” Mal’s voice sounded from behind me. I groaned against Adele’s mouth, then forced myself to pull back, craning my neck to look at Mal.
“Hey.” We gave each other those jerks of the head that pass for a greeting in guy world. With Adele wrapped tightly in my arms, I took a good look at the final leg of our triad.
We hadn’t spoken on the phone since the night he’d called to tell me about Adele taking off. As I looked at the man wearing his habitual jeans and polo shirt, glasses pushed up on his nose, and felt my heart do another of those funny flips, I understood that missing him was an understatement.
I wasn’t confused anymore. I wanted Adele, and I wanted Mal too, and I didn’t give a flying fuck who knew.
“Let’s get out of the doorway, pet.” Since Adele had acknowledged Mal’s appearance with a beckoning gesture while she rained kisses down my throat, and she didn’t seem eager to stop anytime soon, I gave in to my inner caveman and, lifting, hoisted her over my shoulder.
“Prude,” she teased me, and I found myself grinning—this playfulness was not what I’d expected, knowing that she wasn’t in the best place right now. When I caught Mal’s quizzical glance, I saw that he was puzzled, too.
Fuck. That meant it was time to be responsible, and to deal with feelings before fucking. Probably for the best in the long run, but a hell of a lot less fun.
Gesturing to Mal to follow, I carried Adele into the living room, depositing her gently on the couch. Before she could wrap her arms around me again, I quickly pulled a length of rope that I’d hidden in the drawer of the end table, wrapping it around one wrist, and then the other, binding her hands behind her back.
I’d stashed the rope there weeks ago, hoping for a chance to use it during some living room kinkery.
This was not quite what I’d had in mind.
“Dorian.” Adele blinked up at me with surprise once I’d secured her hands and stepped back. “Wow. That was fast.”
“Hmm.” I agreed evasively, seating myself in an armchair across the room from her. Adele started to rise to her feet to follow me, but a look from me, then from Mal, had her sinking back down.
“What’s going on?”
“Maybe you should answer that one.” Mal’s voice held most than a hint of frustration, and I felt a pang, knowing that he’d been here for the last two weeks, dealing with this, while I’d been off chasing my dream.
“What do you mean?” Blowing an errant lock of hair from her face, Adele looked between us with wide eyes, and it struck me how young, how innocent she looked. She was young, not quite a handful of years younger than I was. Mal was the same age she was.
Maybe that was part of why I was having so little patience with Adele’s choice to run, with Mal’s wavering over fully accepting a three way relationship.
I wasn’t old, not by any stretch of the imagination. But it seemed I was past the point of wanting to waste my time. Either we were together, no holds barred, or we weren’t. Full stop.
“I mean that you’ve been on edge for days and understandably so. But even this morning, you were a mess, Adele.” Mal cast a desperate glance at me, then shifted his attention back to Adele. “And now Dorian’s back, and everything’s okay? Do you know how that makes me feel?”
Adele couldn’t have reared back more if one of us had struck her. “I... what?”
Her face flushed, and Mal was suddenly on his feet, at her side. “My ex-girlfriend made a pass at me tonight and I shut her down, because I want you. But if you don’t want me, then you just say so.”
“I can’t believe you’d give me hell for being off balance after all the shit I’ve been through!” Adele tugged at her bonds, casting me a glare of frustration when she couldn’t get free.
“I’m not giving you hell. I’ve treated you like glass since you found out about Meg!” I’d never seen Mal yell before. I felt as though I was watching some dramatic television show, seeing the two of them have at it.
Even though I was tired and hungry and horny and not a little pissed off myself, clearly they needed to have this out.
I was so tired, in fact, that it took me a full minute to acknowledge the deafening silence that followed Mal’s last comment. Rubbing the heels of my hands over my eyes, I sat up straighter in my chair a
nd looked at the two people in front of me.
Mal was angrier than I’d ever seen him. He’d been running his hands through his hair, and it now stuck straight up, making him look like a hedgehog. He’d removed his glasses, too, and while he was sexy either way, I missed them when they weren’t on his face.
Adele’s face was flushed red from emotion. Dressed in baggy pajama bottoms and a skimpy camisole, having her hands tied behind her back forced her breasts forward. I could see the outline of her nipples through the thin white fabric, and had unfettered access to the gorgeous tattoos that painted her skin.
I wanted to wrap up this discussion so that I could get wrapped up in them.
“I’m not fragile.” Adele spoke so softly that I had to strain to hear her. “But hearing about the arrest made me feel like I was.”
“Fuck.” With just those words, all of the tension seemed to drain out of Mal. He sank down onto the couch beside her, rubbing her back. “I know you’re not. But—”
“But you ran away like a child having a tantrum.” I finally interjected. Adele and Mal both looked at me with surprise as I sat forward into my seat, digging my fingers into the arms.
“Dorian—” Adele started, but I shook my head and cut her off.
“You ran away while I was out of town and couldn’t do anything about it.” Wow. I’d thought I was just happy to be home, but an anger I’d thought I’d let go of burst into full flame in my gut. “Do you know how helpless that made me feel? And how much you dumped on Mal because I wasn’t here to help?”
“I—” Frustration painted Adele’s face in shades of crimson. I couldn’t even begin to understand the battle inside of her—the need to be accountable to other people, and to also deal with her pain.
“I know you don’t like to depend on anyone else, and a lot of that is my fault.” Mal spoke quietly, shaking his head and holding up his hand when Adele protested. “No, it’s true. You thought I’d left you, after I’d coaxed you into starting to count on me. I get that. But you and Dorian and I, we’ve been... together... long enough now for you to trust us. You can lean on us, and you need to start doing it.”
Kiss Me Twice Part 2 (Three Little Words) Page 5