by Marina Adair
“I’m not asking that.”
“But you will,” she whispered. “I want to have fun even when I should be crying, I want to live even when my body tells me I can’t, and I want to go horseback riding through the mountains even though it might hurt. And your nature is to protect, to fix the unfixable. I love that about you and would never want to change that.”
“I love everything about you,” he said, and the weight of his words pressed down in a bittersweet hit that knocked the wind out of her. “Jesus, I love you, Avery. I didn’t want to, but I do.”
“Oh, Ty.” She walked into his arms, holding on and waiting for the pain to ebb, but it only became more acute, until she felt the tears fall. “I love you too.”
“Then why does it feel like you’re saying goodbye?” he choked out, and she could feel his throat working to keep the emotion from pouring out.
“My dad was a fixer, a social worker.” And so much like Ty she was surprised that she hadn’t seen it before. “I watched him worry about my mom day in and day out, the helplessness taking over until she finally said goodbye, and he didn’t have anything left to give.” She pulled back and gave a watery smile. “You’re an amazing man, Ty, and you deserve everything life has to offer.”
“Jesus, I just said I love you, and you’re acting as if that isn’t enough.”
“Sometimes it isn’t,” she said sadly, and he pulled back as if slapped.
“The hell it isn’t!” Avery reached out, but he took another step back—and that killed her. “You. Avery. You are all I want in my life.”
“Even if mine ended tomorrow. Is that still what you’d pick?” she asked, and even though she knew his answer, it still sliced through her.
“Who would pick that? Tell me. Who the fuck would choose that?” he asked, tossing his hands in the air, and Avery knew it was frustration and pain driving him, not anger. She also knew this incredible, amazing adventure of theirs had reached an impasse that not even a type-one adventure expert could cross.
She looked up into his eyes, at the clear bewilderment at her question, and felt a hollow ache swallow her whole. He was a man who valued life over living. It was why he threw himself into work, put himself in danger for others. It was his nature, and she couldn’t fight that.
Life was too hard as it was. She didn’t want love to be as well.
“Someone whose desire to love goes deeper than his fear of loss,” she said, going up on her toes to kiss him one final time. “And that’s what I deserve.”
CHAPTER 19
The next morning, Ty was standing on the dock in the butt-ass cold waiting for Brian to bring in the last boat when Dale came walking down the dock, adding another layer to his already craptastic day.
Ty cursed under his breath. He was not in the mood to deal with his dad. To hear about how the boats weren’t stocked with preservers yet, or about how the go-bags were still missing their first aid kits, or his opinion on every fucking thing else that was going wrong.
Like how Avery hadn’t called him back since she’d shown him the door yesterday. And how he’d hiked eighteen miles yesterday so he’d be too tired to think. But even then he couldn’t help but remember how he’d made her cry.
All she was trying to do was live her life by her own rules, find some kind of joy in a world that had given her nothing but pain. Including him.
Jesus, he was a bastard. She’d worked her ass off to help him with the inspection, his family, even caring for him after a bad rescue. And what did he do? Took one look at that email and lost it. Thought about how it would affect him when she needed someone thinking about her needs.
Someone supporting her.
Then again, maybe his support wasn’t enough. His love obviously wasn’t.
“I’ve been looking for you,” Dale said, as if on cue.
“Been here. All morning. Lining up the new life vests for the inspection,” he said, picking up an armful and walking them to the edge of the dock to set them with the others.
“I heard that the boy is awake and doing well,” Dale said, grabbing a load and helping. “I also heard that you took a beating against the rocks. How are you feeling?”
Like my heart was ripped right out of my chest. “Jammed my finger pretty bad, but nothing that won’t heal.”
“I was talking about being down in the ravine.” Dale cleared his throat. “So close to, uh, well, you know.”
Ty froze, then slowly turned to face his dad. “You want to talk about Garrett right now?”
“It’s been fifteen years,” Dale said, looking as if he’d aged as much in the last twenty-four hours alone. His face was drawn, his mouth tight with stress, his eyes tired.
Ty let out a humorless laugh. “Might as well round it up to an even twenty.”
“We need to talk about it.” His dad sounded so desperate Ty almost said yes. He almost said yes because he just wanted to hear his dad get it out, say that he blamed Ty, and then it would be in the open.
“Maybe another time.”
“Time is something I’m afraid I don’t have. Seeing you go over that cliff, thinking back to that day—we need to talk about it now,” Dale said, his voice shaking, and Ty watched in horror as his old man’s legs started to buckle.
“Dad?” Ty reached out in time to grab his arm and steer him to a bench, surprised at how light he was when he helped him sit.
Grabbing a bottle of water, he opened it and made his dad drink. After a few swallows, Dale gave the thumbs-up that he was all right.
“The theatrics were nice, but all you had to do was say you wanted to talk,” Ty joked, relieved when they both laughed.
“You got your mother’s humor,” Dale said with a final chuckle. “Got your pigheadedness from me. But I also like to think you got my willingness to forgive a man when he’s messed up.”
Ty swallowed hard. The need to talk and the knowledge that once they did things could never go back to the way they were had his throat tightening. “Dad, I—”
“Let me get this out before I forget what I mean to say,” Dale said with a chuckle, but this time Ty didn’t laugh with him.
Couldn’t. Not when a new wave of guilt sliced through him so sharp he felt it clear to his soul. His dad’s life was changing for the worse, and Ty had been too busy outrunning his past to notice that his dad’s future was already set in motion—in a direction nobody would choose.
And that had to be scary as shit.
Dale patted the seat and waited for him to sit. “I knew about Garrett.”
Ty’s hand went to his pocket, to Garrett’s rock that he still held close, and his mind raced back to that night, back to Garrett’s plea for him to stay. “I should have gone for help, but I was afraid I wouldn’t have gotten back to him in time.”
And the only thing worse than losing Garrett would have been knowing he’d died alone.
“Son,” Dale said so softly Ty had a hard time swallowing. “We all knew you did everything you could. You made the hard call and stayed when others would have made the easy one and left him by himself. Did you think I blamed you?”
“I don’t know, Dad, who else was there? I snuck out, Garrett followed me, I made it and he didn’t.”
Dale looked out at the lake, and Ty could hear him struggling to breathe. “I never blamed you, ever.”
It was like a Mack truck full of what the fuck hit him in the chest. “You stopped talking to me, ignored me, pretty much acted like I didn’t exist.”
“I stopped talking to everyone. You, your mother, my friends, anyone who lost Garrett that day too.”
“Why?” Ty needed to know, because he’d needed his dad. Needed the one man he admired to tell him he would be okay. That he’d made the right call and it wasn’t his fault.
“Because I knew you’d snuck out,” he whispered. “I heard you two plotting and I knew, so I thought I’d see how far you got. Then it turned dark and you still weren’t back. Your mom started her worrying, but I told her it
would be a good lesson for you two to rough it out in the cold.” Dale looked at Ty, and his eyes were misted over with guilt and a loss that shook Ty’s world. “I wanted to teach you boys a lesson and . . . Garrett’s gone.”
Ty didn’t know what to say, couldn’t form the words to speak. There were too many emotions all raging and knotting in his stomach, red-hot with a burn that would last a lifetime. All this time, he had taken full responsibility for what happened, carried the weight of Garrett’s death as if he’d pushed him off the cliff himself. Believed he was the reason his family fell apart.
So he’d run.
Yet the only person who could have understood his pain over losing Garrett was the one man he’d turned his back on. It wasn’t hate that had silenced his father, it was a soul-deep guilt that had turned to fear and taken hold.
“Then I chased my other son away, not because I didn’t love you, but because I loved you so much I couldn’t live knowing you had to look up at those mountains and think about Garrett. I let you boys down, and I couldn’t forgive that. So how could you?”
All his life, Dale had been a pillar. For the family, the community, the lodge. Always straight and rigid, towering above the others—a position that made it easy to look down, Ty always thought. There was never any softness, any flexibility in his personality or opinions.
But as he looked at his dad now, all Ty saw was a heartbroken man who had tried so hard to control his world, and when it crumbled around him, he crumbled with it.
Something Ty understood, because just like his dad, Ty had been chasing the wrong kind of guarantees. And in the process they’d both shut out the possibility of a happy, peaceful future.
“I don’t blame you, Dad. I never did, and neither would Garrett.” Ty put a hand on his dad’s shoulder so that he felt the truth. “Garrett and I took the back way so you wouldn’t be able to find us and bring us home. We didn’t want to be found.”
With a jerky nod, Dale turned to look back out at the lake, but Ty could hear the silent tears fall. Felt the sad relief roll off him. Neither spoke for a long moment, just silently sat there, staring out over the lake and a lifetime of memories and regrets.
His father had spent as much time running from love as Ty had. He had to be tired, because Ty felt the heaviness every second of every day. And he was too damn tired to run anymore. His soul ached from it: from the fear, the what-ifs, living in the loss instead of the light.
He’d rather have those last few hours with Garrett than to live with wondering if he’d only been faster. And he’d rather live every second he could with Avery than spend a lifetime looking for answers.
She hadn’t said his love wasn’t enough—she’d said sometimes love wasn’t enough. And it was up to Ty to figure out how to be the kind of man who deserved her. More importantly, the kind of man she deserved.
Ty pulled the rock from his pocket and ran his fingers over the smooth edges one last time, then showed it to his dad. “That night, Garrett bet me his favorite rock it could skip fourteen times and break my record. I was too scared at the time to even guess.”
Dale took the rock from Ty and tossed it from hand to hand, weighing it and watching how it reacted to being in midair. “Imagine that.” Dale chuckled. “Garrett betting you his favorite rock, only to have to throw the prize in the lake.”
“Yeah.” Ty smiled. “Garrett never did like to lose.”
“Garrett never kept score. He was like your mother that way,” Dale said, looking up with an expression Ty hadn’t seen in a while with regards to him—good-hearted camaraderie. “What would you guess now? How many skips?”
“Maybe eleven.”
Dale considered that while he held the rock, and then he looked out at the lake. “Not too many ripples today, but the wind is minimal. You skipping?”
“Yup,” Ty said.
“Then I’m with Garrett. Fourteen.”
“Fourteen?” Ty laughed. “It’s a good rock, but you guys are way off.”
Dale handed him the stone, and when Ty went to stand his dad clasped his hands around Ty’s. “It’s not the rock we’re betting on, son.”
Ty swallowed hard, emotions churning in his chest as the unexpected moment washed over them. With that one statement, it was as if the past had faded to make room for the present, and it gave them both hope for the future.
“Thanks, Dad.”
With a gruff nod, Dale stood. Both men walked to the end of the dock, and they listened to the waves gently lap the sides. Ty followed the rhythm, his hands working the rock until it was warm under his touch. “It better go eleven, because if I win this bet you have to call up Aunt Peggy and see if she’ll lend me the horse team and wagon.”
“If I win, I want to drive.” Dale shrugged. “Might be my last time behind the wheel for a while.”
Ty slid him a sidelong glance. “What about the inspection?”
Dale waved a dismissive hand. “That Charlie Decker was so impressed with how you handled the situation, he came out to the lodge looking for you. Took one look at the updates and called the head of SAREX to say he was looking forward to another great year out at Sequoia Lake Lodge. So if we aren’t back in time, I imagine Brian will handle things. Kid’s gotta start taking the lead if he expects to be manager someday.”
Ty laughed and it felt damn good. Which was nice since he was planning on a lot more laughter in his future. After he was done giving his brother his last wish, he had another wish he wanted to make a reality.
So when the second wave hit the dock, Ty pulled back his throwing arm and said, “Ten I get the horses, eleven you chaperone.”
Then he finally let go.
The minutes seemed to drag by as Avery waited for the clock in the office to strike nine thirty so she could head to her appointment. Even though the morning had been busy with clients wanting to book trips and volunteers wanting to be a part of SAREX, Avery couldn’t stop thinking about Ty. Or how bad her heart ached.
She’d barely slept from the chill he’d left behind, and even now it was a struggle to keep her head up. And even though she felt as if she were slowly dying, she knew she’d made the right decision. Ty was still afraid to put himself out there, and Avery needed someone who was willing to go all in. But knowing it was the right move didn’t stop her eyes from watering every time someone called to ask how he was doing or send their thanks for rescuing that boy. Ty was the town’s newest hero, and people wanted him to know it.
And why wouldn’t they? He was an amazing man, and she didn’t regret a single second. Allowing herself to love him like she did, opening herself up to the possibility of something timeless, was the final stage in her healing. Sure, her body had a little ways to go, and her heart would never be the same, but her spirit was finally healed.
And she still believed that the same was overrated. The unexpected brought color to life, made each moment a gift to be experienced. And even when it brought pain, it was still a reminder that she was alive.
“Your ride’s here,” Brody said, jabbing a finger toward the front of the lodge. He didn’t look at her, hadn’t glanced her way all morning since he caught her bawling her eyes out in the break room while sucking whipped cream straight from the can.
Avery looked at her watch. Nine on the dot. “Liv is early. I still have a few things to get in order for the inspection. Can you let her know I’ll be a few minutes?”
“No need. I’ve got you covered.” Brody held out a clipboard with a collection of spreadsheets. “I have your checklist here, the info on all of the landing sites ready to go, everyone knows what they’re in charge of, and in case I miss something or there is a problem I have your cell number.”
He’d also been very accommodating. If she’d known tears were Brody’s kryptonite, she would have shed a few months ago.
“Wow, thanks.” She stood and slipped on Mavis’s red leather jacket. She needed a little bold in her day, and she sure wasn’t feeling it on the inside. “I should be back by
eleven.”
At least she hoped. The more she thought about the lab results, the more nervous she became. Which was why, even after Liv told her it was nothing to worry about, she’d still asked Liv to go with her.
Grabbing her purse, Avery headed out through the front of the lodge, surprised by how many people were standing about. It was as if the entire guest list had left their rooms to gather in the lobby at the same time. And they were standing against the massive floor-to-ceiling windows, staring out.
Racking her brain to make sure they didn’t have a celebrity or some senator coming in today, she made her way to the front of the crush and stepped onto the porch and froze.
Sitting in the circular drive was an old-fashioned stagecoach draped with a garland made from pine and orange poppies, and it was pulled by a team of eleven Clydesdale horses. But what had her heart settling in her throat was the man stepping down from the stagecoach.
He had a sword in one hand, a poppy crown in the other, and a charming smile that caused a little bead of hope—the one she’d clung to all night—to grow in her chest.
Ty hopped off the running board, and when his feet hit the ground the crowd parted. He walked up each step, so regal and charming, and her heart, even though it was afraid to hope, leapt.
“My lady,” he said and gave a bow. A collective sigh rose up from the female section of the crowd.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
“What I should have done the first time I kissed you.” He took one more step and closed the distance.
“The first time she kissed you or the first time you kissed her?” Mavis called out, and Avery turned to see her sitting in a sidecar attached to Harris’s motorcycle. “These things are important.”
“The first time I kissed her,” he answered, and the crowd nodded.