by Nate Allen
After High School he attended a small Liberal Arts college, it was a school that had a reputation as an elite academic institution, and the curriculum, combined with his lack of discipline and abundance of appetite for all things, made his stay short. He bounced around from job to job, trying a bit of everything, in small doses. He would prove to have a short attention span when it came to many things, and employment was among them. Like many young folks, he knew not what he wanted to do, but he was quick to learn what he didn’t.
He would meet his wife, Rene, when he was home one weekend for his 10th High School class reunion. He was twenty-eight and she twenty-four, a hostess at the Country Club the event was held, and nursing student at an area community college near Greensboro. In typical whirlwind fashion they fell in love and successfully carried on a long-distance engagement for a year until her graduation before getting married and moving to Raleigh. The boy came two years later and solidified the union for a time, but as he was finding to be formulaic in his relationships, it would have an expiration date, and those married couples that don’t grow in the same direction grow apart. Five years into it they would part before irreparable animosity took root. He would readily concede she had been a good wife and a loving mother, and he would prove to be at best a dedicated father and great ex-husband. The period following the split and leading up to our story characterized by efforts to improve on his shortfalls, and the romantic landscape littered with one-night stands, brief, invisible and meaningless relationships. At which point our vixen enters stage left …and everything was subject to change.
He would spend the next day trying to focus on the tasks at hand, caring for his son, on auto-pilot regarding work, it was after all generally mindless physical tasks. He was conflicted about the situation, the only time he had ever been involved with a married women was unknowingly. She had told him she was legally separated …but apparently neglected to tell her husband, and that oversight had resulted in a very awkward conversation with an irate man on his doorstep while she lay naked and concerned in his bed.
On this instance however, still in the conceptual phase, it presented a different problem on his proverbial porch so to speak because it was inherently at odds with the image of the straight-up kind of guy he thought himself to be. But sometimes in life, situations arise where we are forced to make decisions …difficult decisions that require us to make a conscious choice to either abandon some aspect of our principles or personal code, or abandon those things which we desire with such fervor that it’s simply reduced to a question of betraying oneself, or committing to violate another in the pursuit. To step across the boundaries we have drawn around our lives that define us as individuals and willfully trespass. And while he didn’t even “know” the damn woman yet, the image he had concocted of her in his mind and the idea of who she might be, who she might become in his life, had infected him and he was now debating those selfish considerations all because of the touch of a hand …and the nervousness it had produced.
Almost immediately, he found himself incapable of coherent thoughts beyond the necessary and immediate, until he would take the next step out of an unavoidable curiosity to see what, if anything lay down the proverbial rabbit hole. He had gotten into the habit of offering women his email address in part because he was flirtatiously coy, but the gesture had largely become his signature move because he could twist a phrase quite well, and some situations had time constraints or extenuating circumstances like this one that required further negotiations. He had found the approach to be disarming to many women, less forward, unique and more importantly …it put the decision to advance things squarely on them, and their subsequent participation signaled a necessary level of interest and potential for fun.
It was a medium that allowed him to highlight the more attractive aspects of himself …a clever wit, boyish charm, and an intelligence that wasn’t visibly apparent in his rough-hewn exterior. It afforded him the opportunity to write it, wait, revisit it and rewrite it as necessary, carefully crafting each note with some specificity toward the woman of interest, a comment about her eyes, her hair, an inviting smile or laugh …some uniquely captivating feature, relating it to the occasion they had met, etc., touching some part of them with his words. It was foreplay of a different sort, like preliminary pillow talk before the act itself …or a figurative hand already inciting lust underneath the skirt.
He would often cut and paste large pieces from emails he had sent other women. On some level it must’ve resembled a chain letter of sorts, a romantic pyramid scheme with him at the top. He had gotten quite good at it, and it worked surprisingly well, seducing quite a number of women from afar before ever meeting them, often during those periods where he was unable to get out and troll, using online dating sites as a venue. No longer a good-looking kid, he was now a handsome man, and he would come to spend his “adult” time in the company of some very attractive women, a lot of them, and for the most part, aside from what he chose to share with a couple of buddies, out of sight to anyone. To be sure people wondered about him, why they never saw an apparently eligible bachelor with anyone, but not caring what others thought, and having chosen long ago not to have a revolving door or parade of women through his child’s life, he conducted his personal business as he saw fit, after all …there’s a reason they call it a “private life.”
It wasn’t because she was the most attractive woman in that room, she wasn’t …nor in his life for that matter, but for reasons he couldn’t readily identify, and yet needed to, Rae Anne Johnston had raised a level of interest, excitement and questions that were all her own, the curiosity of which, the parameters, and the circumstances that had to potentially be navigated, and the big question of whether or not he would even attempt to breach the wall, were not easy questions to be answered. The dilemma occupied much of his time, until eventually deciding to reduce it to smaller tasks, not let his imagination get ahead of him as he was apt to do, and consequently prevent him from taking any action at all. He composed a note, waiting to see if in the interim she had given the meeting any thought, and what kind of response, if any, he would get. It read:
Hi Rae Anne :)
I’ve got a busy day, but I wanted to take the opportunity to drop you a line and tell you I was really glad to have met you. I’ve only begun to step out a bit this past year and already feel like I could write reviews for the local paper :)) Anyway, Leon’s gets *** ’s The crowd was mediocre and the DJ was okay, but I met a really attractive, intelligent and interesting woman there ;) so all was not lost. We are getting ready to start a full day of football, heading to the State game with friends and they’re in the driveway honking …so sorry to be brief. Again, it was a pleasure to meet you …and I really hope to hear from you ;)
-Jake
It was not his usual overtly flirtatious composition, but this was not his usual audience, he sought to open a dialogue or communication and hopefully, if she participated in it, establish some baseline for expectations. He waited with an impatience that can best be described as that of a child on Christmas Eve waiting to see if the figurative bicycle, or PlayStation 3, etc. were going to be under the tree the next morning. Turning the volume up on the old secondhand computer upstairs so he could hear the proverbial bleep of incoming mail if he were elsewhere in the house, hurrying excitedly from wherever he was every time he did, and checking it routinely even when he hadn’t. And then it came out of cyberspace…
It read:
And, it was nice to meet you as well. Life is full of wonderful surprises, the philosopher in me is always trying to figure it all out. However, my philosophies are changing quite a bit as I grow older and I’ve come to accept the chance of meeting someone interesting as a gift rather than a moral dilemma. Am I correct in assuming you are divorced or going through a divorce? I am happily married (the second time) but much more realistic this time.
My children, 2 boys ages 12 and 10 from my first marriage, and my daughter 6, are the center of m
y universe. But now that they are all school age, I am filling the void in my day with charity work and attempts at rediscovering myself, separate from them. My husband has been very supportive, however, I am finding individuals that offer affirmation are a rare experience in my life. We should have lunch sometime. I suspect we have much in common, perhaps we have something to offer each other at this place in our lives. Looking forward to future correspondence.
Rae Anne
He read it over and over again, as simple and straightforward as it was, looking for meaning and innuendo, and it was there. He would immediately respond, but waited until the next day before sending it to avoid looking overly anxious, like he in actuality was. In a different time he would undoubtedly been diagnosed with ADHD, and as an adult, even in middle age, it had not really tempered itself, but mutated into more of an emotional variety of the condition that once he got such a thought in his head, he was consumed by it, distracted, irritable and impatient until it was either satisfied or razed.
He replied:
Hi Rae Anne,
Thanks for the note, I would now have to add “genuine” to the list of adjectives I used to describe you… I halfway didn’t expect to hear from you. As for our day, State lost …but life goes on :)) With respect to my status, I am happily divorced and have been for 6 years now. I have joint-custody of my 10 year-old son, who is my “raison d’etre,” best friend and more. He is all the things a father wishes his son to be and in the process has served to make me a better man, because as his role model I don’t ever want to disappoint him… obviously he has learned patience, how to admit when you’re wrong, and forgiveness in the process :)))…
As for my philosophies and political inclinations, I am quite liberal and open-minded and sense and hope that you are as well. I believe that everyone is entitled to believe and do what they please until it imposes on others’ rights to do so. I originally attended a Division II College right after High School, but soon proved to be out of my league, and after majoring in girls and partying they asked me to leave after the second semester …the nerve of them :)) Anyhow, as I think is typical, particularly with men, I found myself examining my situation and looking for ways to improve upon it after the divorce thing, went back to school part-time, and actually received my BA in Psychology online a couple of years ago. As of yet I have not put it to use, nor quite know what I’d like to do in that regard but it was on my proverbial “bucket list” and the fact that I finished something was significant on its own.
I currently operate a small landscaping and lawn maintenance business and while the work is difficult, and the competition in this area a bit cutthroat, it affords me a great deal of flexibility and freedom in terms of schedule which has proven to be invaluable as a parent, and the autonomy suitable to my personality. I was an occupational pinball for a significant part of the past 2 decades before backing into this profession, having mown yards for years as a kid, it was something I did to supplement my income while working other jobs until it became more of a primary source of income, and I took the leap to entrepreneurship. It has been difficult at times, and probably represents the point in the marriage where my ex and I began to take different paths, but life is a river, and sometimes you go where you paddle, and sometimes you go where the current takes you …and we wound up at different places wanting, and expecting different things.
As for you …among other things, ;) I couldn’t help but notice that you were married, so obviously you are the one with boundaries in your life, and therefore I will trust you to define what they are, but I am certainly interested in being your friend in whatever shape or capacity that may manifest itself. And “yes,” lunch or something along those lines would be great. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Ciao,
-Jake
Like a mischievous schoolboy who hesitates that fraction of a second before he pulls the fire alarm, revisiting the list of potential consequences, and yet does so anyway, he hit “send.” Not too forward, not too specific or presumptuous, the ball was in her court. “Game on” he thought, and well played. He found himself frighteningly intoxicated by it, the possibilities, the minefield of circumstances, and the obvious question and uncertainty of what “it” was, but as if some dormant and unknown alter-ego had come to life, he honestly couldn’t help himself.
.
CHAPTER 3
THE MECHANICAL RABBIT
Jake’s contentment would be shallow and short-lived. Despite his self-proclaimed proficiency in writing such emails, he was also painfully aware that letters and emails are two-dimensional and subject to interpretation …and therefore misinterpretation. They don’t allow for intonation, inflection, a wink or a smile that accompanies a thought, and the fact that she had not responded after a day, now two, left him thinking he had misgauged her and in the process scared her off. But then it came, and it was reciprocal, equally divulging in facts about her self and revealing more traces of her life, as it now existed, playful, heartfelt and honestly more flirtatious than his. He was surprised to say the least, and delighted, and in usual Jake fashion, read it to the point of memorization, scrutinizing it like an English professor for her choice of words and the message’s cadence and rhythm, systematically dissecting it like an NSA cryptographer for hidden meaning and clues …and the all important things not said.
Beyond the very obvious indications that she was smart, well read, educated, she revealed a sense of humor in her note and whatever it was about her that had first captured him, had begun to build upon itself. It was still all unsubstantiated speculation, they had not even “spoken” since that one occasion at the nightclub, but his imagination was about to shift into overdrive and unbuckled at that. It was all so very odd, at forty-five he had been around this metaphorical corner before and while he didn’t know what lay around it on this occasion, he reminded himself of his natural tendencies and past experiences where that moment of expectations hadn’t coincided with the realities of a situation. Fighting against the momentum he was prematurely building, he braked himself, “slowed his roll” so to speak around this figurative blind spot to avoid crashing head-on into unexpected, irreparable disappointment and humiliation …or a husband as the case may be.
Her reply had intentionally been honest and revealing yet vague, she too was finding herself inexplicably attracted to, and comfortable with the perception she had of the man, and excited by the thought of him and who he might become in her life. Had she found that elusive but necessary accomplice to help her escape her doldrums while respecting her precious boundaries? That real life “imaginary” friend of the adult variety she was hoping for? She wasn’t just corresponding with the man, but instead drawing a map of the maze that was her life, and leaving it to him to recognize it, and decide for himself if what was at the center of it was worth the effort of navigating the complexities. In a very clever way she would slowly provide him the pieces of puzzle that were her circumstance, and wait patiently to see if he could assemble them …and he would, but what it represented was a bit abstract and open to interpretation. She would spell it all out in no uncertain terms when they were to eventually meet again. But that, like most everything else that would follow, would not happen at a pace to his liking.
His schedule was extremely predictable and flexible under most circumstances, notwithstanding the “unforeseens” that sometimes accompany being a single-parent. Hers on the other hand was apparently not, and they agreed to get together for a cup of coffee, etc., the middle of the week after next to “talk” as she put it, and would call or email to confirm later. It was a rather long time to wait for a simple get together he thought, and the sparse correspondence in the interim began to take on a “straight to the point,” “sent from a blackberry” business tone and he wondered if perhaps he was being seduced into some ponzi scheme by an Amway MILF. It had all the components of an interview he thought. What the fuck? But he had already resolved himself to following through, and at least laying eyes on her again
to make certain it hadn’t just been the lighting in the club or the ale. Little did he know that in complying he had cleared an invisible hurdle and potential disqualifier as patience was a prerequisite for her prospective friends, and before the time arose she would reschedule at the last moment just to make certain of it for her own benefit.
Her life was alarmingly more busy and complicated than he first thought, though to be honest he really hadn’t given it much thought. Thought or thinking weren’t exactly leading the charge where she was concerned but “feelings” instead, and he had that luxury. His life was immeasurably unencumbered compared to hers. She was married to a Psychology professor, the fact that she was analyzing people and behavior was no coincidence, she hadn’t married him out of some unabiding love but more accurately because he was stable, predictable, warm and faithful, in many respects the anti-Frank, and outwardly they made a logical couple …even Frank thought so. The relationship was inherently symbiotic, each fulfilling some need of the other, and as part of the exchange she learned much from him, perhaps even surpassed his understanding and application of the science he taught in real life terms…or so she thought, and she surmised Jacob as being more than just the garden variety good guy.
His very apparent commitment to his son, honesty with respect to his past and his acceptance of his responsibility in the events leading to his divorce were attractive to her. Instead of promoting himself, he seemed more intent on acknowledging and professing his flaws and shortfalls, celebrating his failures and that was appealing to her. She felt some adjacency to his situation, the details of which were enormously different than hers, but his ownership and understanding of them and the way he presented them to her front and center, were shamelessly attractive. She took comfort in the fact that he had something to lose, someone to protect, and whose interests he would put before his own. It made the possibility that he would disrupt her domestic applecart less likely, and that common ground of emotional “mutually assured destruction,” among other things she would discover that existed between them, would lend itself to an unpretentious, uninhibited, and gratifying relationship …at first.