by Robert Bevan
“As you command, Captain.” His smile and bow perfectly mimicked Tanner's mock subordination, but lacked his charm.
Katherine climbed down the log they'd set up as a ladder, and Tony the Elf followed after her. The log was slippery and the floor was muddy due to last night's rain, but neither presented too big a problem. They'd just have to be careful when lowering Mordred.
The problem came about halfway to the vertical shaft that was to serve as Mordred's new home for the foreseeable future. The tunnel was flooded again.
“How did this much water get in here since yesterday?” said Katherine. “It was barely raining.”
Tony the Elf dipped his fingers in the water, then touched them against his tongue. “There are probably a bunch of low-lying areas nearby still flooded from the melted ice. The island hasn't had time to normalize its proper evaporation cycles. That might make the whole island more susceptible to flooding.”
“I guess.” That sounded like a stretch of an explanation to Katherine.
“And then there's the spell you cast yesterday.”
“What spell?”
“The entrance used to sit on a small mound,” said Tony the Elf. “And the structure had a sloped roof to allow rain to run off the sides. You kind of undid all that with your mud spell yesterday. You destroyed the structure and turned the mound into a bowl.”
That explanation seemed a lot more feasible.
“Shit.”
“Sorry,” said Tony the Elf. “I don't mean to put all the blame on –”
“I can take criticism when it's warranted,” Katherine snapped at him. “If I fuck up, I need you to let me know. I can't do my job if you feed me the bullshit you think I want to hear.”
“That first theory wasn't bullshit. It was just maybe not quite as large a contributing factor as the second one.”
Katherine smiled and patted him lightly on the cheek. “Just don't be afraid to be honest with me, okay?”
“You got it,” said Tony the Elf. “Now that you've requested it, I'm positively itching to point out the next time you fuck up.”
“Good.” Katherine dunked her Bag of Holding into the water. “We can still clear this out and get Mordred down here today. We'll keep an eye on the water levels until we can rebuild the mound and roof.” When her bag was filled to capacity, they'd cleared quite a bit more tunnel. She led Tony the Elf back to the entrance. He climbed up, and she tossed the bag up to him. After he drained the water, they went back down the tunnel for another bagful.
By the time the others arrived with Mordred, they'd cleared almost all the way to the shaft. The process went a lot faster now that they were able to relay the bag back and forth, keeping Tanner permanently down in the shaft to fill the bag and Tony the Elf outside to drain it.
The two dwarves who'd hauled Mordred there likewise hauled one of the larger and heavier beams down the tunnel to the shaft. Katherine had them set it down against the wall opposite the shaft opening. She tied one end of the rope to the beam and tossed the other end down the now completely drained shaft. Tanner climbed out and pulled the rope out after him.
Katherine nodded her satisfaction. Shimmying up and down that rope every day to feed Mordred would be a pain in the ass, but he would be safely out of sight and mind.
Getting Mordred through the shaft hole proved the biggest challenge of all. He wouldn't fit while he was tied to the chair.
“We'll just have to untie him, lower him down, and retie him,” said Katherine.
“I don't like the sound of that,” said Tony the Elf. “What if he chooses that moment to inhabit this body?”
“There's four of us, and he'll still have a shitbag on his head. We'll beat the snot out of him until he goes unconscious again.”
“Why don't we use the Bag of Holding?” asked Tanner.
Katherine considered it. “That's not a bad idea.”
“I cannot rightly take credit for it, Captain. We've used it in these circumstances many times before.”
“Does that count as a fuck-up?” asked Tony the Elf.
Katherine smiled at him. “Not one you get to bring up unless you were the one to suggest the alternative.”
Before long, they had Mordred secured to his chair at the bottom of the shaft, and Katherine felt extremely satisfied to finally be able to take the shitbag off his head.
“We'll give this a good wash tonight,” she said. “We'll make a celebration out of it and treat ourselves to a double portion of Captain Logan's booze.”
Chapter 45
“I can't,” said Denise, staring glumly into her bowl of diced raw fish. “I just can't no more.”
Randy wasn't exactly enjoying his meal either, but it was sustenance. It was late at night and everyone was a little cranky and tired of eating the same thing day after day. The captain had only brought enough food with them to get to Lymn, and this detour meant they were at the mercy of what the sea would provide. Today's catch hadn't been great, but Randy was grateful for something to fill his belly.
Like anything in life, he enjoyed the parts that were enjoyable and endured the parts that weren't. Happy Cock's fried chicken was delicious, and he'd thoroughly enjoyed eating it. The fish wasn't so great, but it wasn't like they were being forced to eat a bowl of rat turds and razor blades. The best thing to do was get it down as quick as possible and go to sleep with the anticipation of what wonderful experiences tomorrow might bring.
“It ain't so bad,” he said through a mouthful of mushy tasteless fish. “And it's good for your brain. It's got, like, omega oils or somethin' in it. You might have genius kids.”
“You don't get it, Randy. The way nature works is that the kids tell me what's best for them. That's why I got all these weird cravings. My babies need pickled eggs and chocolate right now... and bourbon.”
“Just hold tight,” said Randy. “Maybe they'll have something other than fish to eat on Nazere. Or we might be able to find some herbs and spices growin' wild that we can add to the fish.”
Denise's eyes lit up. “Spice! I had the goddamn answer in my pocket this whole time!” She pulled something shriveled and yellow out of her pocket. It looked like a used condom that had been left out in the sun. After a moment, Randy recognized it as one of those salamander tongue peppers from Happy Cock. Denise must have swiped some of them when they left. It had withered during the trip, and she crushed the whole thing into her cup of fish.
Randy grimaced at her grimy hands and the thought that the inside of her pocket was almost certainly even grimier.
Jay's eyes widened as he stared at Denise crushing the pepper. “You might want to take it easy with that.”
“You might want to mind your own goddamn business, Keebler Kinte. If you wanted some of these peppers, you should have thought of that when we was at the restaurant.”
Jay sighed. “I guess you're right. I was out of line. Enjoy your fish.”
“Don't you worry about that. I'll enjoy the fuck out of them.” Denise picked out a piece of freshly peppered fish and popped it in her mouth. “Oh my God. The difference is night and day. I feel alive again. I feel like... Damn, that's got kind of a kick to... Son of a bitch, that's hot!”
Jay laughed as sweat ran down Denise's reddening face.
“Denise?” said Randy. “Are you okay?”
Denise nodded while taking a few deep breaths. “That shit's hotter than the sweatiest taint in Hell, but damn if it ain't good.” She popped two more chunks of fish into her mouth.
Satisfied that she knew what she was doing, Randy didn't feel bad about joining Jay in laughing at Denise's pain.
“LAND HO!” called out the sailor manning the crow's nest.
Captain Longfellow looked up from his bowl and spat out a gob of half-chewed fish. He might have his own private cabin and private stash of booze, but Randy admired him for eating on deck with his crew and sharing the same humble meals.
The captain stood up and went to the railing along the bow, peering
into the darkness. “Well I'll be damned to the depths.” He turned to his crew. “Get off yer arses! Lower the sails! Drop anchor!”
His crew happily abandoned their meals and hopped to action.
“How can y'all see anything at this time of night?” asked Randy as he joined Captain Longfellow at the bow.
The captain pointed. “Look there.”
Far off in the distance, Randy could barely make out a small flickering light. “Is that a fire?”
“Aye.”
Randy didn't want to get his hopes up, but he was excited about seeing his friends from the Whore's Head. “How do you know it ain't another ship?”
Captain Longfellow shook his head. “Too steady. Besides, no other ship's captain would be daft enough to sail so close to Nazere.” He looked down at the water. “That is, unless what ye say be true. We ought to be up to our arses in snow and ice by now.”
“I could go for some of that,” said Jay from Randy's other side. “I'm sweating my balls off.”
Captain Longfellow turned to Randy. “So ye really did it? Ye faced down and defeated the Ice Queen of Nazere.”
Randy nodded respectfully. “That we did, Captain.”
“We've had our differences, lad. But I'll give credit where it's due.” He grabbed Randy hard in the crotch. “Ye got coconuts of solid iron!”
“Thank you, Captain,” said Randy, wishing that the captain would remove his hand from Randy's coconuts.
“Randy ain't did shit!” said Denise, waddling up toward them. “It was my idea that killed the Ice Queen. How about having a grab at these titties of solid iron?”
The captain grimaced but thankfully let go of Randy's balls. “Ye all did a fine job. We'll send a landing party come sunup. Until then, I recommend ye drop a line in the water and try to pull in a –”
“AAAAUUUUUGGGHHHH!” cried someone from the ship's rear. It was immediately followed by two similar cries of pain.
“We're under attack!” said the man in the crow's nest. “We've been boarded! They're coming from – Ungh!” An arrow to the neck cut short the rest of what he was going to say, and he fell out of the crow's nest and crashed through the railing on the port side of the ship before splashing into the water.
The sounds of a largely one-sided battle intensified, with a lot of screaming and minimal clanging of swords. Whoever was attacking had caught them completely by surprise. Captain Longfellow's crew in the rear were likely as ill-equipped for battle as the crew here on the bow, only a few of whom were armed with daggers.
“Stand yer ground!” shouted Captain Longfellow. “Let them come to us. They can only come single file on either side of the ship. Grab what weapons ye can and prepare to fend them off one by one.”
“I humbly request permission to board, Captain,” said a not-at-all-humble-sounding voice from the yard just below the crow's nest. Randy couldn't make out more than his shape against the light of the waxing moon.
“Logan,” snarled the captain as he sneered up at the smug-looking invader. “Ye have me permission to take me ship's bowsprit up yer arse.”
The man named Logan smiled. “Charming as always, Captain Longfellow. I apologize for this intrusion. I hope you'll forgive me.”
“After I rescued ye from the tits and talons of those harpies? I'd no sooner forgive ye than I'd forgive yer whore mother for not drowning ye as soon as she seen what a black-hearted, yellow-bellied, perkerless abomination she'd shat out of her gangrenous twat!”
“Goddamn,” said Jay. “Did you have that prepared?”
“I sincerely wish it had been anyone else's ship I was forced to raid, but I'm in a bit of a bind. A half-elven druidess relieved me and my crew of our weapons, including my father's sword.”
Captain Longfellow looked impressed. “The Sword of Dammon?”
“Indeed. It has called to me ever since we've been separated, and I followed it here. You can imagine my surprise to find Nazere freed from the Ice Queen's curse.”
“Aye, I was surprised meself.”
“Our current situation is regrettable,” said Logan. “I needed to re-arm my crew before invading the island, but I can see how you still might see this as an irreconcilable betrayal of your trust.”
“Yer gods-damned right, I see it as such!”
Logan smiled sadly. “If my father taught me anything, it's that if you're going to betray, betray all the way. So I'm afraid I shall be commandeering your ship as well. For old time's sake, I would like to extend you the courtesy of allowing you to surrender peacefully.”
“A fine gesture,” said Captain Longfellow. “And I would like to extend me cock in the empty eye sockets of yer severed head. Why need we fear a crew who surrendered to one half-elven whore?”
Logan's smile turned into a sneer. “The captain has made his decision,” he called down to his crew.
Randy put his hand on his sword. “You stay behind me, Denise. I'll protect – Denise?” When Randy looked back to address her, she wasn't standing where she had been just a second ago. Scanning the bow, he spotted her back near the bottom tier of the cabins, sneaking behind the nervous crew as she gulped back their cups of watered-down rum to calm the heat from all the spicy fish she'd eaten.
“ATTACK!” Logan commanded before Randy was able to take even a single step toward Denise.
“Denise!” cried Randy, trying to get to her. But half of Captain Longfellow's crew crowded behind her to defend that side of the ship.
Fortunately for Denise, but unfortunately for the rest of the crew, Logan didn't concentrate all of his forces on either side of the deck as Captain Longfellow had anticipated. Some men attacked there, but quite a few men stormed down from the cabins, landing on the largely undefended middle of the bow deck.
Randy and Captain Longfellow fought off the first wave of pirates, but more rained down faster than they could fight. Once Jay managed to pick up a dropped sword, he joined in the fray, but was only marginally helpful. They were getting overwhelmed. Randy felt a little uneasy about asking Jesus for another favor, but then realized that he didn't have to. Jesus had already provided him with the solution he needed.
“BASIL!” he shouted.
The next wave of pirates to leap down from the cabins were surprised to find that they'd landed on top of a pissed-off celestial basilisk. Not appreciating being jumped on, Basil immediately bit the arm off one pirate and swung his tail at another. Jay ducked just in time to avoid the tail-flung pirate sailing over his head, screaming until he hit the water.
Several members of both crews hopped the railings and jumped into the water voluntarily. They were brave men on both sides, each one prepared to take a sword in the gut for their respective captain. But there was something about being turned to stone by a giant lizard that put a proper fear of death in them.
“What be the meaning of summoning this beast on me deck?” Captain Longfellow demanded as he shielded his eyes from Basil's gaze.
“I thought he could help us.”
“It ain't Randy's fault y'all get so worked up about a fuckin' lizard,” said Denise. “I reckon he just saved you a shit ton of –”
“Denise!” cried Randy as one of Logan's men jumped out of the shadows to chop her from behind with an axe. “Behind you!”
“Huh?” Denise turned around to take a chop to her chest instead.
SSSSHHHHHZZZZINGGGG! A brilliant flash of white light lit up the sea for a fraction of a second.
Instead of slicing open her rib cage, the axe and its wielder flew backward, smashing through the railing on the other side of the ship, then splashed down into the water.
“I'll be damned to the depths,” said Captain Longfellow. “She really do have titties of solid iron!”
Denise looked down at her chest. The axe had left a tear in her shirt, which she tore open further, revealing her hairy and pregnancy-engorged but completely unscathed breasts.
“Behold, my magical titties!”
Those crew members who hadn'
t abandoned the fight when Basil appeared turned to look at Denise's bare chest, but they cringed and kept their distance. Even Logan peeked down from where he was perched, then re-shielded his eyes more fervently than when he only had Basil to worry about.
“Abort the mission!” he called to his crew. After securing his crossbow to his belt, he pulled a blue amulet out from under his shirt and clutched it with one hand as he grabbed a rope on the ship's rigging with the other. “Onward to Nazere!” He swung from the rope off the side of the ship and splashed down into the water.
Randy frowned in confusion. “That was kind of an underwhelming exit. Is he planning to swim there?”
“His ship will be nearby,” said Captain Longfellow. “The cowardly sea slugs sailed close enough to us in the cover of darkness to board. It be close enough to swim back to.”
Looking down at the water, Randy saw that Captain Longfellow's men were climbing back on board the Maiden's Voyage, but Logan's men were merely treading water.
“They don't look like they're swimming nowhere.”
Captain Longfellow shook his head. “Madder than a sack of rabid manatees, every one of them. Now get this big scaly brute off me deck before I –”
“UUUUUNNNNNNNGGGGG!” cried Denise, both palms on her bare belly. Her babies were squirming so hard that Randy could see lumps moving under her skin. “It's happening!”
“Take it easy, Denise,” said Randy. “What's hap– Oh no! It's happening?”
“You're goddamn right it is! I shouldn't have eaten that fucking pepper. Get me a doctor. This dam's about to –”
A gush of fluid splashed the deck under Denise's skirt.
“Mercy of the gods!” said Captain Longfellow. “Was that...”
Denise nodded. “I think my water just broke.”
Randy escorted her out of her puddle and helped her gently to lie down on her back. “Somebody boil some towels or somethin'.”
“We can't do this here,” said Denise, panting heavily. “No offense, Randy. But you don't know shit about birthin' no babies. Fuck, you ain't even never seen a vagina up close.”
“We're gonna get through this, Denise. Don't you worry. You're protected by the gods, remember. That's why that axe couldn't hurt you.”