by K. C. Hamby
But, I can’t. I know this calm is in danger of shattering when we stop in front of a row of apartments and she gazes up to a window.
“Well, this is me.” She looks back at me with a small smile. Her eyes brighten when I give her a small smile of my own. “Do you want to come in?”
No. You have to tell her no. You have to leave right now and never come back.
I scream at myself in my head, needing to convince my feet to turn away and my eyes to not look back. As I war with myself, Nina is gazing at me with a face full of hope. The dust of freckles on her nose and cheeks brighten under the street lights. It takes any of the resolve I’ve gathered away in an instant.
“Yeah, sure,” I relent and she throws me a smile so wide my heart pangs with something. Happiness? Is that what this is?
She leads the way up a flight of stairs. They stop at a deck with two apartment doors. There’s a red door on my left at the far end of the deck and a blue one right in front of the stairs, next to a wall. Nina slides her key into the deadbolt of the blue door and pushes her way inside. I hesitate, but eventually follow her in. Lavender and vanilla caress my senses and my wolf grumbles in my chest with pleasure at being surrounded with Nina’s scent.
Weird.
I look around after Nina turns on the lights and realize she has a studio apartment kind of like mine, but vastly different and small at the same time. It’s like Nina’s personality threw up on it.
There’s a dark gray couch facing a sizeable TV on the opposite side of the room. They sit on a bohemian style, burgundy and blue rug. The kitchen on my left is accompanied by brownish black bar stools pulled up to the cream colored, faux granite countertop. It’s adorned with a pot of little plants that I think are called succulents. A small wall on my right gives the area for the bed a little privacy to someone walking in, so I have to take a few steps further into the apartment to see anything else. The bed is facing the couch and TV, a plain gray comforter covering the mattress, but decorative blue, red, cream, black, and light gray pillows in any pattern I could ever think of decorate the bed. A mandala tapestry of the same colors hangs on the wall behind the bed and flows gently to the air blowing from the AC vent. The bed has two brownish black nightstands on either side with matching gray lamps and small things like crystals or sage on the surface. Interesting.
I hear a growl from somewhere in the apartment.
“Luna! Be nice!” Nina chides. A four-legged black and white creature comes shooting across the floor toward us. Well, specifically toward me. It stops right in front of my feet, growling.
Right. She told me she had a dog. A border collie mix.
“Hi sweet Luna,” Nina coos and the dog slowly pulls out of her defensive stance. “She’s never acted like that before.” I watch curiously. I’ve never been this close to a domesticated dog before. Ironic, I know.
Nina scratches behind Luna’s ears and the pup seems to calm down a little. She begins creeping in my direction and I remain as still as possible. She sniffs the air cautiously and her pupils dilate. They glare at me, trying to reveal if I’m a friend or foe by my scent. Her nose twitches and she paws closer. I cut my eyes to Nina and she’s just standing there watching all of this happen.
“She’s never reacted this way to someone,” Nina tells me curiously. I turn my attention back to Luna and she’s staring at me intently, still creeping closer. She takes a final step, putting herself inches from my legs. I hold my hand out for her. She hesitates, wondering if she can trust me. The decision is finalized by her wet nose poking my hand. She sniffs the hell out of it for a good thirty seconds and glances up at me with big, yellow eyes.
And jumps.
Nina gasps, but my fast reflexes allow me to catch Luna in my arms, which was apparently what the little pup wanted all along. She licks my face, putting her slobbery saliva all over my cheek. I huff out a laugh and turn to Nina. Her eyes are full of confusion.
“Huh. She doesn’t even do that to me.” Nina clicks her tongue and comes over to me and the panting Luna just chilling in my arms. Nina lights up with happiness. She rubs Luna’s head and grins at the exuberant fluffball.
“I must have a dog affinity then.” Nina snorts.
“Yeah, whatever,” she chides and rolls her eyes. “Do you want any water?”
“Please.” I gently drop Luna back on the floor and she seems pleased with our little interaction. She wags her tail and trots over to the food bowl underneath a bay window behind the counter. She takes a bite of her kibble and turns to me, gracing me with a wolfy grin. I chuckle and take a seat on one of the bar stools.
Nina slides me a glass of water and I chug it down, wanting so desperately to replace the alcohol in my system so my mind can completely clear. She leans against the counter across from me and sips on her own glass of water. There’s a war going on in her eyes about something, but I stay quiet. I still don’t trust my mouth around her.
“So, what were you doing at The Paint Can?” she finally blurts out and I snort.
“I was having fun like everyone else,” I answer her snidely. I try to slide a joking tone in, but I’m not sure if I succeed. She twists her mouth to the side and glares intensely at the counter.
“Okay, but who were you with?” she mumbles and draws circles on the countertop with the tip of her finger, making sure to avoid my gaze. There’s something underlying in her voice. I flip through my slim knowledge of emotions. Jealousy? Is that what I hear? The corner of my mouth wants to tip up in a smirk. I hesitate to keep her mind wondering.
She eventually cuts her eyes to me and searches my face for an answer. I barely hold in my chuckle. “I went with my brother and his girlfriend.” Nina’s shoulders relax. It’s my turn to ask the hard question. “Why?”
She promptly pulls her attention back to the countertop and picks at her fingernails. “I was just curious,” she claims in a small, playful tone.
Nah uh, she’s not getting away from this so easily.
“But, why?” I push her for a better answer and smirk at the wide eyes she shoots me. I guess she lost the staring competition with the countertop. She huffs.
“I just wanted to know if you were with anyone, you know, special. That’s all. She scans my eyes.
“What do you…” Realization slaps the question from my mouth. “Oh.” She’s asking if I’m dating anyone. Fire races up my neck. “No, nothing like that,” I tell her quietly and look away. That loneliness creeps up my throat again and I force myself to swallow it. I can’t date anyway. I know that.
I glance up and Nina is watching me with concern wrinkling her pretty face.
“You’re sad.” The blunt statement has me flustered and I watch in fascination as Nina’s wavy hair falls in her face. I have an urge to tuck it behind her ear for her, so I sit on my hands. I don’t want to distrust them like I do my mouth. Nina tucks the lock away anyway, so I don’t have to worry about it.
“Uh.” I shake the lonely feeling away before it crushes me. “It’s just all this makeup on my face.” I shrug the excuse out. Nina raises an eyebrow at me. “I hate this stuff. Invidia, my brother’s girlfriend, insisted on it and I’ve never worn it before. It’s like I have pounds of dirt on my face.” I add a small laugh at the end for good measure. I mean, it’s not exactly a lie. I do hate this shit.
“Do you want to take it off?” Nina asks with a laugh. I nod my head fiercely, making her grin. My wolf likes when she’s happy. “Okay, come on.” She pushes herself off the counter and I hop off the barstool to follow her.
We walk farther into the apartment between the kitchen and the living room area and, on the left, there’s a decently sized bathroom. It’s big enough for a one person sink and counter space, a toilet, and a shower/bathtub. It’s decorated much like the rest of her apartment with a bohemian feel. A cream shower curtain covered in a colorful mandala hangs loosely from the shower rod. Candles and crystals are anywhere there’s spare room. A blue shelf with lotions, what I guess are m
akeup brushes, soaps, and a small stack of cloths sit above the toilet and a soft, cream bath mat squishes under my boots. On the wall, there’s a painting that says, “May I live like the lotus; at ease in the muddy water.”
To say she’s a free spirit may be an understatement.
She digs around beneath the sink for a few seconds before emerging with a wipe, soap, and a cloth. “Here you go. I’ll be out here if you need me.” She jerks her thumb out the door while dropping the cleaning stuff in my arms with the other hand. She prances out of the bathroom. I shake my head after her and take off my jacket.
It takes a few minutes to get all the crap off. I’m horrified at the sheer quantity of makeup coating the wipe and cloth by the time I’m done. I peer up in the mirror and—aside from my skin being pink from the scrubbing—I look like myself again. My scar has emerged from the dark depths of makeup and I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy to see it mark across my face.
I grab my jacket and walk out of the bathroom, joining Nina and Luna on the couch. Nina smiles and Luna yips at my appearance.
“Ah, there you are. You look more like the Fal I know.” Luna hops off the couch and Nina watches her go. “Don’t get me wrong, you look beautiful with the makeup.” Her blue eyes lock with mine. “But your natural beauty doesn’t need to be covered up.”
My heart flutters in my chest. How am I supposed to react? No one has ever said anything like this to me before. I’ve never been bothered by appearance until that bastard put this scar on my face. But even then, I’ve never worried about if people think I’m attractive; only if they think I’m weak. This compliment coming from Nina shocks me. I like that she thinks I’m attractive. My heart has turned into a bird beating its wings against my ribcage. Fire creeps up my neck and my wolf rumbles. She likes what Nina said too. My wolf is happy.
I’m still fumbling for something to say when Nina places her hand on top of mine. “You don’t have to say anything.” Warmth radiates from her hand into mine and moves up my arm to the rest of my body. The overwhelming calm surges over me and my confusion disappears. I blink up from looking at our hands to Nina’s sapphire eyes. I finally recognize the look Ash gives Invidia. It’s caring adoration.
And Nina is giving it to me right now.
She slides closer to me without a word. I can’t find the strength to take my eyes away from hers, even if I wanted to. Which, I definitely don’t want to. My wolf is keeping me from moving or doing anything to prevent this. But, I’m not mad. I want this.
Nina gently removes her hand from mine and caresses my cheek. I lean into it, savoring the warmth of her skin. My wolf grumbles in pleasure and Nina drags her eyes down to my lips.
I know what happens next even though I’ve never been in this situation. It’s clearly written across Nina’s face.
This is wrong. I should stop this. But I can’t. I’m powerless and, if I’m honest, I want it to happen.
My hands act on their own accord and grab Nina’s small waist, pulling her into my lap. My head leans toward her without my permission and definitely without listening to my better judgement. Her heart beats quickly in her chest. The thumpthump thumpthump is music to my ears. Her lavender vanilla scent is taking over everything I know and I nearly groan with pleasure when she wraps her legs around my waist, facing me.
Her lips are so close. Her sweet breath mingles with mine. My heartbeat quickens and my eyes dilate behind my now closed eyelids. Excitement and fear pulse in my veins.
I faintly pick up a noise in the countdown to my world exploding. The haze begins to dissipate and the sound becomes clear. A chiming. It’s my phone sitting in my jacket pocket.
It yanks me out of the spell I’m under and I open my eyes, realizing how close I am from not only destroying my life, but Nina’s as well.
I pull back and Nina’s eyes pop open. She jerks her hand off my cheek and leans back with hurt and bewilderment in her eyes.
“I….I’m sorry…I thought…” she stammers and flashes her eyes at me with embarrassment. I peel her off me and stand up suddenly, picking the phone from my jacket pocket without a word. It’s a text from Ash.
Shit.
“No, I’m sorry. It’s…my brother.” I hold up my phone, pleading with my eyes for her to understand I can’t do this. “I have to go.” I throw on my jacket and hastily make my way to the door. I pocket my phone and remind myself to call Ash when I’m outside.
Nina grabs my hand before I can open the door and make a run for it.
“No, Fal. Please. Don’t go. Don’t leave again.”
The last word cuts into my soul worse than a knife ever could. The pain reflected in Nina’s tearing eyes threatens to make me promise to stay forever. I look away and shut her out.
“Nina, I can’t,” I tell her, trying to sound flat and unfeeling, but my voice cracks. My raspy voice is screaming, telling the world I’m about to burst into tears. My eyes are burning with the warning of never ending crying. “I just can’t,” I whisper and squeeze Nina’s hand, not wanting to ever let go, but it’s exactly what I do. I drop her hand even though it rips my soul in two like she’s my only lifeline and I’m just deciding to sink. I push out the door before a damning tear slides down my face. I run down the stairs and to the street. With every step I take farther from Nina, my heart breaks more. I can hear her sobbing.
I pull away from the painful sound and run down the street as fast as I can, not caring if there are humans watching. They’d only see a blur anyway. Tears slide down my face, my body betraying me. I haven’t cried since I was little. I haven’t cried since Mom.
I stop running and text Ash. I don’t trust my voice to sound like I’m not falling apart. I tell him where I am and wait, pulling air into my lungs, wishing it was the calm Nina brings.
I’m so angry at myself. I knew what I was doing. I put myself in that situation and here I am, failing to block out what I want to deny is heartache. Goddess, my soul is wanting to break into scattered pieces. All I want to do is run back to her and tell her I’m sorry. I want to tell her I was stupid and I didn’t mean what I said. I want to hold her and protect her from the world. But I know I can’t. I must stay away from her and I have to do it for good this time.
The hairs on the back of my neck prick up and I’m dragged from the black pit of heartache. I frantically survey the street for the source. Eyes are on me, I know it.
I glance across the street and down an alley. A person stands in the dark and is made a silhouette by the tall street lamps. It’s weird and creepy and something I don’t have the goddamn time or patience to deal with at this moment. My eyes dilate, focusing on the person shaped shadow. A snarl rips from my lips.
Damien.
Cars pass before I can cross the street, narrowly missing me when I step onto the road with my boot knife in my grip. I jump back before a BMW can crash into me, even though death would probably be preferable right this second. When the road is clear, I look up and he’s disappeared again. I groan.
Insanity has never seemed so close to becoming a reality.
I grab the sides of my head and growl. The few people out this late avoid me like the plague, stepping around me or crossing the street instead of risking passing me by.
I’ve never felt more alone. The thought has a suffocating effect, wanting to smother me with the truth. I can never be around Nina again.
Ash pulls up and I throw myself in the back of his SUV. Him and Invidia both turn in their seats to stare at me.
“Why are you here, Fal Pal?” Ash asks, sounding every bit like a big brother.
“I went for a walk,” I spit coldly and turn my eyes to the window, making it clear I’m done talking. He knows not to push me and shakes his head at Invidia when she opens her mouth to speak. He turns up the current PennyForward song and I shrink into the corner between the seat and the car door, trying to hide myself from my painful decision.
I will never see Nina again.
Chapter 19
I broke the one thing that I needed the most
I broke it all, broke it all, woah-oh
Hello Johnny’s “Sweetheart” is what I hear, and it does nothing to help. I throw my phone across the room and the earbuds yank out of my ears. I finally allow tears to stream down my face for the first time in fifteen years and cry myself to sleep.
***
My mom is humming in the next room. Peering around my surroundings, I find I’m in our old apartment on the Complex. Ash and I lived with her until…until what? The thought fades away.
Her humming is such a pretty sound. It pulls a smile from my lips. I turn and see Ash, grown up, smiling too. Weird. Aren’t we supposed to be younger? Maybe I’m confused.
I push myself off the fluffy couch and walk to Mom’s room. She’s folding clothes. All black clothes, no less.
She catches sight of me and a grin lights up her pretty, sharp face. The grin is a stark contrast to the rest of her. She looks like she can rip someone’s head off in an instant, which, she can. Her shoulder length, black hair swishes with her movements and her light amber eyes pour love for me and Ash.
“Hello, i kardiá mou,” she coos. My heart. I love when she uses the Greek endearment. I smile and walk over to her. She holds her arms out to me and I happily throw myself into her warm embrace.
Wait, I’m as tall as she is. This isn’t right.
I sit on the floor in front of her so she can play with my hair. I love when she runs her fingers through my long locks. She hums softly in my ear and my heart fills with joy and light.
“Falen, you are beautiful and so strong.” She whispers like she hasn’t seen me in years. My name sounds like pretty music when she says it.