by Liz Lovelock
This can’t be happening. I must still be dreaming. A sharp pain stabs me right in the place where my heart once was. It’s empty. I’m empty.
“Chloe, look at me,” a familiar voice calls out. Looking up, in a daze, I connect with those powerful blue pools. Those familiar loving and concerned eyes. Seth.
“I—I don’t know what to do.” My head falls into my hands. Strong arms pick me up and carry me out the door and back to the car. I watch the scenery fly past me. It’s a green blurry mess, mixed in with some buildings and houses. It passes me by. Like my mum’s life. She’s supposed to be here soon. I can’t wrap my head around it.
In a few moments, the car comes to a stop. We’re back at Seth’s place. I don’t have the strength to get out of the car.
“I have to get to my dad.” It comes out like a whisper. I’m not really talking to anyone.
Still, I get a reply. “I’m going in to pack a bag for you and me. I’ll drive you to your dad.” Seth takes my hand, but I feel nothing. I don’t respond.
All I see is my mum’s smiling face. I’m a child again and she’s patching my skinned knee, kissing it better. My lips turn up at the thought.
I remember when she let me make chocolate muffins. She sat back and let me do everything. The kitchen was a disaster zone. It was a good day, and surprisingly enough, the muffins didn’t taste too bad either.
My eyes close while I wait. I dream of her, again. Olive.
“Don’t be sad, Chloe.” Olive opens her tiny arms for me. I fall into them. No tears fall.
“Mum . . .” A single word is all I manage.
“I know. I was there and took her hand so she could find her way. She’s happy. She’s also sad. She wants you to know that she’ll always be with you, no matter what.” My eyes squeeze closed even tighter.
Next thing I know, I’m falling into a black pit. I jolt awake, stopping myself from sinking into nothingness.
A gentle hand rests on my leg. “It’s alright, Chloe. I’m here. Bad dream?”
“Umm . . . yes and no,” I croak, adjusting myself in the seat. I’m not even sure how long we’ve been driving.
“Olive?” There’s hope in his question.
“Yeah. She told me that my mum is with me no matter what, then next thing I know I’m falling into blackness.”
“She will be with you. I know this is hard to wrap your head around. Believe me, I know how you must be feeling.”
Silence falls between us. My thoughts remain on Mum. What is Dad going to do?
“I’m just stopping to get some fuel. Do you want anything to eat?”
“No, I’m okay. Thanks though.”
“You need to eat. I don’t think you’ve had anything since breakfast this morning. It’s nearly three in the afternoon.” Concern fills his words.
My head twists to watch him. He looks tired and worried.
“Okay, get me something to eat.”
He smiles. “I’ll be right back.”
My eyes follow his every move as he walks away. I’m so grateful to Seth and Sherri. They’ve helped me grow in so many ways, although nothing can prepare you for a loss, especially the loss of a parent. You always believe they’ll be there for you, grow old with you, and watch your kids grow up. Then the most unexpected thing happens and you’re left without one of them, or in Seth’s case his entire family.
If this raw, open wound kind of hurt is only for one person, the pain Seth and Sherri went through must have been soul-crushing. How did he come back from that?
Just then he comes back holding a cup of hot chips with gravy and a chilled can of Coke. He also throws about half a dozen chocolate bars at me.
“How are you doin’?” he asks as he starts the car and pulls back out into the traffic. Once on the road, his hand finds mine. The warmth spreads through me, from my fingertips directly to my heart.
I look out the window, watching the world fly by. “As good as I can be.” I pause for a breath. “Can I ask you something?”
He glances sideways at me. “Sure.”
I don’t miss the hesitance. “How did you get past losing your family?” My chest vibrates profusely, and I’m worried I might set off some terrible memories for him.
He remains silent for a moment.
“I think these are two completely different situations. Yes, we’ve both lost family. What you need to know is you don’t get past it. There will always be reminders of them everywhere you go. It’s taken me years to finally begin to accept that it wasn’t my fault.”
“Years?” I ask. It’s such a long time.
He nods. His grip tightens on my hand.
“Yeah. Chloe, I’ll be here for you . . . I’ll be your strength through this hard time . . . Please lean on me. Let me support you, hold you, and comfort you.”
Those words weave their way through my soul causing it to soar.
Then, it’s as if I receive a huge slap in the face. I know in my head it’s not the best time, but my heart, it can’t be helped. I realise I’m completely and utterly in love with this caring man sitting beside me, gripping my hand. He’s doing his best to keep me sane and to make me try and feel somewhat better.
“Thanks. You sure know how to make a girl feel better.”
“I’d do anything to take this pain away from you.”
My insides turn to mush as I continue to watch him while he continues driving. Mum really did like him. She told me on the phone last time we spoke.
“Honey, Seth is special. I really like him, and I can’t wait to see where the road takes you both.” Those were some of her final words to me. I’m so glad we mended things a few months ago. If she’d passed away and things hadn’t been resolved, I think the guilt would have killed me. I don’t know if I could have faced my father.
“Hey, what are you thinking? You switched off there for a moment.”
“Just grateful I got to sort things out with my mum.” Tears brim my eyes.
“That’s good. Why don’t you tell me about one of your happy memories with your mum?” he asks. I think for a moment deciding what I could share.
“This might gross you out, but I remember the conversation we had about where babies came from and how they got out of mummies’ tummies.” I smile at the thought. “I think I was about eight, and you know curious minds ask questions. I asked her how babies get out of mums’ tummies. I still remember her pausing and looking to Dad for help; he offered none of course.” Seth chuckles beside me.
“Anyway, she must have decided to tell me, because the next thing she said had me not wanting children, ever. Mum told me they come out a lady’s hooha, I then remember screwing my face up calling, eww . . . as I ran away. We never spoke of it again until I was much older.”
We both laugh. It feels good, but guilt soon drives it away, and I think perhaps it’s too soon to be happy. My face stills.
“You’re allowed to smile, Chloe. It’s what your mum would want—for you to be happy.”
He’s right. So very right.
“So, will you tell me what drove you down my way and right into my heart?”
“Sure.” Over the next hour, I tell him about what happened with Chad, the douchebag, then catching Ryan and Crystal in bed, and my mother’s secret past.
“Wow . . . Well, I see why you were going through a hard time. I can’t believe that all happened in one day. Except for the break up with Chad of course, but still.”
“Yeah, well when they say bad things happen in threes, they really do. I’ve been witness to it.” I open one of the chocolate bars he threw at me earlier and begin devouring its sugary goodness.
“This might sound harsh, but I’m glad it all happened.” My head turns sharply in his direction. “It brought you to me. You’ve brought me back to life.”
“Wow, you sure know how to win a girl over.”
He cracks a slight grin. “Well, I won you over the day I changed your tyre.”
“Perhaps.” I leave him hanging. T
he fluttering within my stomach doesn’t subside; instead, it becomes more of a pounding with each thought I have about him. And the fact is, I do love him.
Our drive consists of small talk for the remaining hour. Eventually, we pull up outside my family home. It’s the one place I feel safe. I remember those hard days at school, getting picked on, or even those good days when I came running in the door, ecstatic about something that had happened, and even recently when I’d been living at home until everything blew up. Yes, Mum lied for all those years, but that doesn’t matter now . . . nothing does. I only want to remember all those magical times. The laughter that filled those walls.
It looks like an empty shell now. The life of the home is no longer there—our homemaker, my mum.
“Chloe . . . I’m here no matter what.”
That sentence soothes me somewhat. “I know. I’m remembering happier times.”
Seth cracks open his door, then stops. We sit in silence for a moment. It may be quiet, but if thoughts could be heard, they would be booming loud and clear.
Seth leans over the centre console. His hands take a hold of my face. Those familiar swirls swim up my spine. “Here’s another happy memory to help you cope with what will happen here.”
“What do you mean?” My confusion rings out.
“I want you to know that not only am I here, but I’ve fallen in love with you.”
Before I get a word out, his lips touch mine ever so gently. My heart fills my throat, and I’m lost for words.
He moves back and sighs, giving me one of his devilish grins. Without another word, he’s out of the car and opening my door for me.
I look at him in a different light. I mean, of course I love him back. My world has now shifted its focus to my future. I’m staring right at him. His name is Seth Thomas.
I push the door open to find dimness in every room. It’s not hard to feel the change in the house. Seth takes my hand immediately.
Where is Dad?
Panic escalates within me. I grip Seth’s hand tighter. I keep walking, stopping at the living room entrance. I cease breathing at the sight before me. I’m sure the shards of my heart can be heard as they drop piece by piece to the ground at my feet.
Dad sits in Mum’s usual flowery recliner. His body sags, and he looks defeated. His head rests in his hands. The sight is completely heartbreaking.
“Dad?” I say in a whisper, not sure he heard me. The house is dead silent.
Slowly, he raises his head, turning it towards me. The suffering in his face breaks me. He has bright red puffy eyes, and the tears are still fresh on his face. I take off, running towards him. He stands just in time for me to wrap him in my arms. His arms wrap tightly around my waist. The sense of loss is overwhelming. We both cry, for the wife he lost and for the mother I lost.
I’m unsure of how long we stand there holding each other. Dad finally pulls away and steps back. My gaze falls over the rest of the house, it’s empty. There’s nothing here except Mum’s chair.
“Dad, did you find out what caused it?” My hands tremble as the question leaves my lips.
He collapses back onto the chair, a broken man. “They said it was a cerebral aneurysm, that nothing could have been done. It’s a silent killer, apparently.”
“Really?”
“Yep.”
Our conversation is lost and I’m unsure what to say. We’ve never had a problem talking about stuff, but now it’s just Dad and I.
“Where is everything, Dad?” I kind of know the answer. I just need to fill the silence.
“It’s gone on the truck. There was nothing I could do at the hospital, so I came home and continued to pack.” He hiccups, trying to hold back more tears that threaten. I don’t know what to do. Someone, please help me!
“Excuse me, Mr Saunders?” the mind-reader Seth steps into the room. “Would you like me to book you a place to stay?”
Dad looks at him, his face blank and emotionless.
I answer for him, “That would be great, thanks.” I give him a half smile; it’s the best I can manage right now. He nods and walks back out to make a phone call.
“Chloe, I don’t know what to do. This isn’t like me.”
I fall to my knees in front of the one man in my life who’s always been my strength, always picked me up when I was down, but now the tables have been turned. How am I supposed to be the adult and mourn for my mum?
Sucking in a breath, I prepare myself mentally to try to be strong and to pull everything together. “Dad, we need to get things sorted for her funeral.”
“I can’t talk about that tonight. Just for tonight, can we go and get some dinner and a strong drink?”
“Sure, Dad, we can do that.” Looking up, noticing Seth has re-entered, I ask, “Did you find a place?”
“Sure did. It’s about fifteen minutes away.”
“Alright, come on, Dad, let’s go.” Once I’m on my feet, I assist Dad in getting up. He feels like a fragile old man.
“So many memories here.” He cries, but this time much harder.
“We can stay here for a bit longer if you want.”
He quickly shakes his head. “No. It hurts too much.”
After one last look around, we’re out the door, and I come face to face with Crystal. She hasn’t changed at all. Ryan stands beside her. Seriously? They want to come here on a day like today, together!
“What are you doing here?” My tone is bitter. Understanding appears on Seth’s face as he looks from me to the couple in front of us. Dad says nothing; he looks around as if he’s a lost soul.
“We’ve come to say how sorry we are about your mum. She was like another mother to me. Ya know, since we grew up together.”
I’m not sure if I should be angry or accept her apology and move on. “Thanks. It was a shock. Seth, will you help Dad to the car?”
“Sure thing, pretty lady.” He gives me a knowing look. My heart swells. Ryan and Crystal look between us. Ryan looks hurt, and I couldn’t care less.
Seth takes Dad’s arm. He knows who these two are. A brief flash of anger glints in his eyes while he stares down Ryan. Go you good thing, resounds in my head, and I puff up my chest. I love that man.
My last visit with Olive comes to mind. Forgiveness . . . I feel bitter towards them, but after looking at Seth helping my dad, it evaporates into thin air. “While I’ve got you two here, I just want you to know that I forgive you. I can’t say I’ll ever want to hang out and be friends, but I want you to know that I forgive you both.”
“Forgive us?” Ryan looks at me with raised eyebrows. What did I ever see in him?
“Yeah, I forgive you,” I repeat, pointing at him, “for cheating on me with my best friend, and I forgive her for actually going behind my back. Friends don’t do that.” Each word is sharp and stabby. There’s no emotion in them, because I really don’t care. They did the deed and obviously are still together.
“Oh,” is all Crystal manages to say.
“Yeah, so now I’ve said all I need to say to both of you, I need to look after me and my dad. I don’t have time for your drama. Oh, and don’t bother contacting me again, either of you.”
Crystal’s eyes brim with tears, as do mine. We’ve been friends for a long time. What she did is unforgiveable, but because I made a promise to someone, I’ll keep it.
Suddenly, it’s as though the boulder I’ve been carrying around since I left this place has lifted. I can finally breathe again.
They say nothing else, and neither do I, except for goodbye.
I climb in to Dad’s car, and we head towards the hotel, following Seth. We have so much to do. With Dad so broken, I don’t know how I’m going to manage everything on my own. Then Seth’s words ring out like a siren in my head . . . I’ll be here for you . . . I’ll be your strength through this hard time . . . Please lean on me. Let me support you, hold you, and comfort you in your lowest times.
And I’ll let him.
The last three day
s have been very trying and emotional for Chloe and Stanley. Perhaps not so much for me. Chloe and her father are struggling to communicate their feelings. He’s shutting her out and she keeps trying, only to come to me later and pour out her heavy load of emotions. I’ll carry them with her. I’ll carry her burdens for her. I know they’re both hurting, but they need to talk.
They’ve had fights about things to do with the funeral. Her father wants something big and for it to happen in the city, but Chloe says that her mum would have loved something small and not so public. This has been the constant argument for the last two days. And it’s the first thing they bring up the moment we arrive at his hotel room today.
“Dad, please do this for her. Something small.” I see the pleading in her eyes as she begs her father.
His face contorts. I wonder if he’s fighting with his inner self or if he’s ignoring her pleas. Watching his lips twitch I can’t help but involve myself even though usually I’d try not to. But when it comes to Chloe, I’ll do anything to help her. “Mr Saunders, do you mind if I suggest something?”
He doesn’t look my way, but waves his hand for me to continue. Chloe nods, encouraging me to keep going. We spoke about this last night. She believes it’ll be perfect.
“This is what we did for my family.” Usually talking about this stirs up painful memories. Not anymore, though—now I think of it as growing and helping someone I love and care about. “We had a small ceremony on the Thomas Point Lookout. When the ashes were ready we threw them into the wind.” I clear my throat before my emotions completely take over. Memories of my family’s funeral flicker though my head like an electric picture book. Just Nan and I with a few friends from town.
Mr Saunders looks up at me while I stand there feeling slightly awkward. “You’ve lost your family?”
I nod.
“All of your family?”
“All except Nan, or Sherri, as you know her.” Perhaps Chloe didn’t tell them all the details, or she told her mum and it never got passed on to her dad.