by Carys Jones
‘No way,’ Will had shaken his head again and folded his thick arms across his chest, strengthening his protest. ‘It’s too steep and overgrown.’
‘It’s perfectly fine, you big baby,’ Amanda called out, taunting him as she continued to pick her way further down, carefully edging closer to the beach. After several more steps, she heard Will loudly sigh in defeat.
‘If I fall and break my back it’s on you,’ he shouted.
‘It’s no problem, we’re married now, there’s such a thing as life insurance, you know,’ Amanda had called back, grinning as she teased him.
‘That’s cold,’ Will’s voice boomed down to her. She could still only hear him, not see him. ‘I never realized my wife could be so cold.’
Eventually they’d reached the beach.
‘See,’ Amanda had eagerly taken Will’s hand and pulled him towards the waves which were idly rolling in. ‘Isn’t it beautiful?’
She’d watched Will’s eyes widen as he took it all in. With the setting sun, everything was tinged with a crimson hue as though they’d stepped right into some majestic painting.
‘It’s beautiful,’ he breathed softly. ‘I’ve never seen anywhere like it.’
‘I know, right?’ Amanda had eagerly tucked herself up in the crook of his arm, beneath his broad shoulder.
‘You’re lucky to live here.’
Together they’d walked along the surf. Amanda shivered deliciously as the icy water washed over her bare feet.
‘What was your home like?’ she wondered, tilting her head to peer up at Will. He stared blankly ahead at the quiet beach, seemingly lost in his own thoughts. ‘Will?’
He blinked and looked down at her, offering her an apologetic half-smile.
‘Your home,’ she prompted, ‘what was it like?’
‘Nothing like this,’ Will sighed. ‘It was all steel buildings, busy streets and families crammed in on top of one another. Growing up having your own bed was considered a luxury. Space was definitely a premium back then.’
‘You had a big family?’
‘I guess,’ Will replied vaguely as his gaze became distant.
‘Didn’t you say you had a brother? Did you guys share a room or anything?’
‘Uh-huh,’ Will continued to stare into space.
Amanda struggled to imagine it. She was an only child. When she was little it was just her and her parents. The original musketeers. Then she met Shane and John. And then she turned twelve and her family’s trio went down to two. Amanda looked at her feet, wanting to talk about Will’s family, which were still a mystery to her instead of her own heartbreak.
‘So you had a big family?’
‘Sure,’ Will agreed. He was always doing that; just adapting to Amanda’s perception of him without really giving anything away himself.
‘It’s a shame none of them can make the wedding,’ Amanda leaned away from Will so that she could lace her fingers through his. Their wedding date was just a month away. Soon she’d be Amanda Thorn. A thrill of excitement danced down her spine at the thought of it. She felt like a superhero preparing to take on a new identity.
‘It’s a long way for them to come,’ Will replied bluntly. ‘Besides, we were never that close.’
‘Not even with your brother?’
Amanda imagined the two brothers being thick as thieves. Crammed together in a tiny little bedroom as though they were living in Mother Hubbard’s shoe, she thought they’d get up to all sorts of adventures. It would have been like a non-stop playtime. Only Will wasn’t smiling wistfully. His face hardened as though his features were cast in stone.
‘He was killed,’ he stopped walking and looked out to the sea, towards the placid water, which though calm on the surface hid a plethora of secrets in its depths.
‘That’s terrible,’ Amanda squeezed his hand. She wanted to say more but something stopped her. The hair on the back of her neck and arms bristled, warning her that she was close to something terrifying. Looking further up the coast, she saw it; the sheer cliff side where the birds came to nest. At its base there was no sandy beach, only waves scratching against the rocks desperately trying to reclaim the land. Sucking in a breath, she raised her gaze to peer at the cliff edge, but it was concealed in shadows, already lost to the night as the sun had almost completely set.
‘I don’t talk about my family,’ Will told her. ‘And I don’t want to. Some things are better left unsaid.’
Amanda shakily released the breath she’d still been holding as she kept staring up at where the cliff edge was, though she saw only darkness. ‘Yeah,’ she agreed tightly, ‘some things are better left unsaid.’
*
The sand grew damp and compact beneath Amanda’s feet. She ceased walking and looked around. She was half a mile from the precarious little path behind her mother’s house. Ahead of her the beach would soon get eaten up by the sea. Amanda turned back before she could look upon the cliff edge which had nearly claimed her life. Crouching down, she stuck a finger into the wet sand and drew two initials, connecting them with a looped &.
A & W
She didn’t dare tack on a forever or even an infinity symbol.
Chewing on her lip, she wondered where her husband had gone. Why he was seemingly running away from her. Was he even running? But then why leave the van? Amanda chewed so hard on her lip that her mouth became filled with the coppery taste of her own blood. Scorning herself, she swept her foot across the initials, blurring them so that they became barely readable.
‘He’s coming back,’ she promised herself. Whatever was going on there had to be an explanation for it all. Will loved her. You didn’t run away from someone you loved. She began hurrying back towards the steep little path home, her steps sinking into the sand leaving a brief imprint of her movements. Questions pounded in her mind like a relentless hammer trying to break through impenetrable rock.
Why leave? Why disconnect his phone? Why not at least call her from a payphone and let her know he was okay? What had she done wrong to deserve that kind of callous treatment? Didn’t he care about her anymore? Had he ever truly cared for her? Had it all been a lie? And where was Will now?
Amanda was panting by the time she reached the base of the cliff-side path. Looking up, she saw only darkness, but thankfully she could plot her way up and down it blindfolded.
I promise you that if your husband wants to be found then I’ll find him. She thought of Shane’s promise, clinging to it. Shane would bring him back. He was a great detective. If anyone could find Will it was him.
Halfway up the path, Amanda froze. One word in Shane’s promise taunted her, undermining all her hopes.
If.
9
The light from within the little house with the leaded windows guided Amanda the rest of the way up the cliff-side path. Stealing her way through the shadows in the garden like a cat in the night, she glanced in through the front room window and saw her mother sat neatly on the sofa in a full-length cream nightie. Her dark hair was loose and tumbled in tightly packed waves down her back. The television wasn’t on and the glass of red wine resting on the coffee table appeared untouched. Corrine was focused on something in her lap; a heavy book. The ends of each thick page were gilded in silver and shone as they caught the light. Amanda ground her teeth together. She recognized the book and knew exactly what her mother was looking at.
She entered the house like a tornado; all loud fast movements in a flurry of activity. Amanda bounded into the front room, startling her mother whose head snapped up from the book the second her daughter burst in.
‘What are you doing with that?’ Amanda demanded accusingly.
‘Oh,’ Corrine stroked her fingertips across the open page. Her lips were downturned with sorrow and her eyes were red as though she were about to cry. ‘I was just reminiscing.’
‘No, you were just picking apart my husband.’ Amanda was still stood up, she pointed at her mother and then at the wedding album the older woman
was cradling in her lap. ‘I bet you were sat here ranting on about the lack of guests on his side, like you always do.’
‘Actually, no,’ Corrine patted the vacant spot on the sofa beside her. Amanda wanted to resist the invitation but she found her legs crumpling as she sat down and peered at the open page in the album. ‘I was thinking about how happy you looked on your wedding day.’
In the photograph Amanda was walking up the aisle in her simple ivory dress, escorted by her mother who was decked out in a fuchsia two-piece dress suit. While Corrine’s usually cheerful face was pinched with sadness, Amanda’s smile was radiant and provided enough light in the image for both of them.
The wedding had been a simple affair. It had been a joint decision since Amanda loathed the idea of being the centre of attention and so few guests were attending that it seemed pointless to indulge in an elaborate celebration. Amanda had worn a strapless ivory dress she’d found in Debenhams whilst Will had rented a suit which miraculously managed to house his broad shoulders. There had been a knot in her stomach as she walked up the small aisle at the registry office towards him. But when she turned to look at him and saw the beginnings of a nervous smile pulling on the corners of his mouth the knot untangled.
‘I now pronounce you husband and wife.’
The registrar had finally relinquished her formal demeanour as she gave the proclamation.
‘You may kiss the bride.’
Will’s kiss had been gentle upon Amanda’s lips, lacking the hunger he’d always displayed when they were dating. ‘You’re my wife now,’ he’d whispered as they parted, his voice low enough for only her to hear. ‘And I’ll protect you. Always.’ His hand found the small of her back and they turned to face the applause of their gathered guests.
I’ll protect you.
It was easy to feel safe around Will. He was so tall, so broad. The human equivalent of the Titanic; seemingly unsinkable. When Amanda placed her hand in his, she lost the feeling that had haunted her since the day at the cliffs – the feeling that she was falling. She knew that Will’s arms would always be strong enough to catch her, no matter what.
But now her steel ship of a husband was gone. And she was lost at sea. Alone.
‘I was so nervous about giving you away,’ Corrine recalled. She sniffed fiercely and pulled her mouth into a tight line. ‘But you were so happy,’ her voice cracked as she rested her hand on Amanda’s beaming image. ‘You told me that you were marrying the man of your dreams.’
Amanda smiled and leaned against her mother, remembering it all so well. On the day of her wedding she’d been all aflutter with nerves. She felt like every part of her was held together with the most fragile of fibres. It was only when she saw Will waiting for her at the end of the aisle at the start of the ceremony did her nerves calm, did her heart start to hammer out a more regular beat. He was the lighthouse in the storm, calling her to safety. He’d turned and smiled at her, a pillar of strength and classically handsome in his suit. He looked as though he’d stepped off the set of some old Hollywood movie. He just oozed that sort of charm and timeless appeal.
‘But that’s the thing,’ Corrine snapped the album shut with such sudden force that Amanda jumped. ‘He was always the man of your dreams, Mandy. He never became a reality. How could he when you placed him on such a pedestal?’
Amanda wasn’t sure what had annoyed her more – being told that she idolized Will too much or hearing the nickname which she’d insisted had died with her beloved father. He was the only one she ever allowed to call her Mandy and she intended to keep it that way.
‘Somehow I knew you’d manage to turn this all around to have a dig at me,’ Amanda pushed herself away from her mother but remained sat on the sofa. She didn’t have the energy to get up. Her legs throbbed from the long walk to and from the beach. She’d forgotten how steep the cliff-side path could be. Despite her daily jogs in the woods, she wasn’t as fit as her teenage self, who could race up and down the path to her heart’s content with no concern about growing tired or starting to ache.
‘I’m not having a dig,’ Corrine’s hands were resting on the cover of the album, which was embossed with Amanda and Will’s names in silver lettering. ‘I’m just wondering why your husband would leave you all of a sudden like this if he was truly the great man you believed him to be.’
‘He’s missing,’ Amanda hissed the word. ‘The police are looking for him. Shane is looking for him. They will find him.’
‘What about his phone being disconnected? And the van? He just ditched it.’ Corrine wondered quietly, peering out at Amanda from the corner of her eyes.
‘I should have known you’d be lurking somewhere listening in,’ Amanda raged.
‘Just ask yourself,’ Corrine pleaded, ‘do you truly believe he was taken, or did he leave?’
Amanda wiped her hands across her eyes and refused to answer the question, even when she asked it herself.
‘The phone, leaving the van. What does it all mean?’ Corrine pressed, still clutching the wedding album on her lap.
Amanda closed her eyes and wished that her dad was there. Her entire body felt raw from how much the desire for his return burned in her veins. If Ivor was there he’d know what to do, what to say, how to make her feel better. He’d take the little information that they had and make sense of it. But then he’d have read Will long ago with just a simple handshake. Amanda’s father had a gift for assessing people. And he didn’t waste his time with those he deemed to be unworthy and harbouring a cruel heart. Locals thought him aloof and distant, but Amanda knew the truth; her father was just picky about who he chose to care about. And the fact that he loved her above anyone else made her feel wonderfully privileged and special. No one else had made her feel that way until she met Will. When his eyes met hers she felt as though he’d picked her out in a crowd, had assessed her heart with only a look and deemed her worthy.
It had never been like that with Shane because she knew him. She’d read the darker parts of his soul growing up along with her own. Like two little weeds, they’d grown up together, side by side, vying for the same scrap of sunlight. Amanda got to see all the parts of Shane, including those which he’d usually hide. She knew about the twenty pounds he’d once stolen from his mother’s purse, about the badger he accidentally killed when he borrowed his brother’s scooter one rainy night. She even knew about all the girls he’d messed around with other than herself.
Shane had never been a book of secrets like Will had been. He’d always revealed his heart to her in its entirety. But it meant that he never got the pedestal
‘I don’t know what it means,’ Amanda sighed, slowly opening her eyes. ‘I wish I did.’
‘Well it has to mean something,’ Corrine deduced contritely. ‘People don’t go around withdrawing hundreds of pounds and leaving vehicles for no reason.’
‘Shane said the police will search the van for clues when they collect it.’
‘Do you think they’ll find any?’
Amanda looked down at the faded floral carpet in the lounge, ignoring her mother’s piercing gaze. She knew what Corrine was getting at; she was now supporting the same theory as Shane.
If your husband wants to be found.
Amanda and Will were happy, weren’t they? They loved one another and had a beautiful home. Admittedly they rarely talked about the future, but it was because they were still getting to know one another, still enjoying the last of the honeymoon phase.
‘Where would he go?’ Corrine was lifting a hand from the wedding album to squeeze Amanda’s forearm. ‘He has to have gone somewhere, people don’t just disappear into thin air.’
Amanda frowned. Where would Will go? She’d spent so long assuming he’d been kidnapped, taken from her, that she hadn’t stopped to consider that he’d left under his own volition, that he was actually now en route to another place.
To another family.
The thought made her blood turn to ice in her veins. Amanda shiv
ered.
‘You know him better than anyone,’ Corrine whispered soothingly.
‘Do I?’ Amanda wondered aloud.
‘Of course you do. You’re his wife. Where would Will go? Where did he have family, friends, connections?’
‘Home,’ Amanda didn’t like the way the word instantly popped out of her mouth. It felt like she was betraying herself and the sanctity of her marriage. ‘He’d go home,’ she repeated. Only she didn’t mean the marital home that she and Will legally shared. She meant his original home, the one he rarely spoke of, the one which existed due North, all heather-clad hillsides and vast mist-covered lochs.
‘Scotland?’ Corrine sounded surprised and a little alarmed.
‘Scotland,’ Amanda deadpanned. ‘It’s the only thing that makes any sense even though nothing seems to be making any sense right now. Scotland,’ she repeated, her voice low, ‘it’s all I’ve got to go on.’
*
Amanda couldn’t sleep. She tossed and turned all night beneath the purple sheets of her childhood bed. Each time she closed her eyes she saw Will. Only now his smile wasn’t kind, it was menacing. And his embrace wasn’t solid and supportive, it was bone-crushingly tight. Amanda sat up, gasping and clawing at her throat. The sheets around her were soaked in her own sweat. Breathing hard, she leaned forward and pulled back the curtain. It was still dark outside. Stars twinkled overhead as Tremwell Bay rested.
Pulling herself out of bed, Amanda flicked on the light and reached for her bag which she’d hurriedly tossed her belongings into when she left her house. After a few seconds of rummaging she located her laptop. She found its sleek surface comforting as she lifted it out of the jumble of clothes she’d packed.
Amanda tucked the laptop under her arm and headed downstairs. She turned on numerous lights as she journeyed through the small house, stopping in the kitchen for a glass of water before opening up the French doors and stepping out into the cooled even air. Her exposed skin prickled against its brisk touch as she sat down on a cushioned bench beneath an outdoor wall light. Amanda opened up her laptop, typed in her log-in details and then headed back inside to fetch her cardigan.