by Jillian Hart
She leaped, soaring up toward the rafters, stretching for her toes in a pike position and then reaching back as the air rushed against her face, her fingers grabbing the mirrored surface. The cool rush of water as she slid beneath it with not a splash to be heard.
With the odd buoyant sounds of the water in her ears, she frog kicked toward the ladder. And where did her mind go the instant she wasn’t diving? Ben. Why? She knew he wasn’t looking for a wife. He wasn’t husband material. He never had been. He’d broken her heart over that once.
He would do it again. He wouldn’t mean to. He wouldn’t want to. But he wasn’t a settling-down type, or he would have settled. And look at her life—she had financial problems, she had debts to pay and she had built a full roster of diving students who relied on her. She was about as tied down as a single woman without kids could be.
What she needed was to be realistic. Ben was home, probably on his way to his sister’s house. She prayed he’d received good news. That meant she might not see him before the wedding. After all, why would their paths cross before that? Westin was finished with his lessons—he was going to be going on the honeymoon with Amy and Heath. A family trip to Walt Disney World and a two-week cruise after that. He’d be back in time for the fall session that would begin with the start of public school.
She had to be prepared for Ben to leave, she thought as she bolted out of the water. She had to keep him from breaking her heart. She’d let him too far into her heart already, and she dreaded knowing that she would feel the devastation of his rejection.
“Hey, is that a way to greet a guy?”
Ben? She spun at the sound of his voice, so shocked to see him she could only stare. It wasn’t her imagination conjuring him up. It was really him, standing there in jeans and a plain T-shirt that made him look all man. She wanted to run to him. She wanted to wrap her arms around him and hold him forever. To give him all the love that shone in her heart.
Hadn’t she just vowed to keep her dignity? To protect her heart and not go handing it over to the tough guy who would never be hers? But she wanted him to be.
Dripping, she took a steadying breath. She was glad she had, once she took in the details—of his set jaw, his shoulders squared, his legs planted. A confrontational look.
He didn’t seem comfortable or happy to be here at all. And even if her spirit filled with an amazing brightness when she saw him, she was not blind to the fact that he was frowning at her. So why had he come? Confused, she fisted her hands, not knowing what else to do. He just stood there, staring at her, looking like a soldier ready for war.
Hadn’t it gone well in California? She wanted to comfort him. To say the right words to soothe. Bad news from the doctor had to be a bitter disappointment. But if she did try to comfort him, then anything she did or said would involve her heart. It would make her feelings clear to him, while he’d been perfectly clear with her all along. He wanted to be friendly, not friends. He wanted to return to active duty. What else could she do?
He could have been stone, as motionless as he was.
Then she understood. He’d come to say goodbye. The realization rocked through her like a punch to her jaw. She wobbled, fighting for balance and composure. She hadn’t expected to end this with him so soon. And to have him here looking as if he’d rather be anywhere else.
So she’d been the only one in love. Again, she thought, feeling the pain of it hit her heart. Ben had hurt her. After all.
“I, uh, saw you dive.” He motioned toward the springboard that was still faintly quivering. “Either that looks better in person than it did on TV, or you’re doing this a lot better than you did in the Olympics.”
“Everything gets better with practice.” She shrugged. Diving was a passion, no different to her than sports or needlepoint or crossword puzzles to other people. It was how she relaxed, how she had fun, how she coped. “I’m sorry. Was it bad news?”
“Bad news? No. Why do you say that?” His eyebrows drew down, his frown deepened. He looked more fierce than ever. “No, the doc said the bone’s coming along. I consulted some rehab specialists who work with world-class athletes, so they know about coming back from injuries, and I have a real good plan to get back to pass the qualifying tests. I need to call my commander, but it looks like I’m going back.”
“Congratulations.” Remember your vow, she told herself as she made her feet step forward and carry her across the deck. “You don’t look so happy about it.”
“I am. I’m just impatient.” A muscle ticked in his jaw. “It’ll take a good part of the next year before I’m fully back in shape.”
Hope leaped into her heart. Against all common sense, against her will, against every ounce of dignity she had, there it was, hoping against hope that if he stayed for a while, they could become more than friends. And then all the love she carried for him in her heart would—
“I’m heading back to Florida right after Amy’s wedding.” His words blew apart her hopes like an unpinned grenade. “I’ve got to get the go-ahead from my commander, but I can get back to work. Probably training new recruits to the program right out of boot camp, and I’ll work on my leg otherwise. Probably be back in the desert by this time next year. Maybe sooner.”
“That’s wonderful news for you, Ben.” She put the closest thing she could manage to a smile on her face, willing down the pain, refusing to let him see the heartbreak building. She blinked hard. Swallowed harder. Let air into her lungs. After all, lost hopes weren’t fatal. She’d learned that the hard way, too. “It’s everything we’ve been praying for.”
“Yep.”
Ben took a step back. He should ask her flat out how she felt about him. Just ask her. But she seemed pretty reserved about his news. It wasn’t what he had been picturing when he’d been crammed in that tin can of a plane. She stayed back, as if she didn’t want to get close to him. Was it because she’d figured out that whatever they had going between them was over? He would be going back. Or was it because he was the only one in love?
Just ask her. But the tightness in his chest increased. He was afraid. What if she said she wasn’t in love with him? She’d given him no indication that she was. He didn’t want to make a fool of himself. What if he’d blown any chances of being with her all those years ago? He’d been a kid, wet behind the ears and thinking he knew everything.
He’d been wrong, and he’d hurt her. What if she was never going to trust him with her heart again? He couldn’t blame her. Simply seeing her filled his soul with an agonizing brightness.
“I’m glad you dropped by to tell me.” She smiled, genuinely this time, but the rest of her remained tensed. Cool. “I know how important your job is. It’s a passion and a calling, and sometimes those things require sacrifices.”
“They do.”
So she did understand. Maybe that’s why she understood him so well, because she had a job she loved, too. She had a good thing here. She didn’t make a lot of money, but then, neither did he.
Money didn’t matter as much as most things—family, loved ones, job satisfaction. He was a PJ, one of the toughest Special Forces soldiers the military trained, and he had to come half a world away to Montana to face the toughest challenge—one of his heart.
And he was failing. He couldn’t say the words Marry me, because he already knew the answer. Cadence wouldn’t give up her life to move to Florida. She was no longer his one true love.
He’d blown it. It was as clear as day. That’s why she stood as stiff as stone looking at him from across the pool deck. She hadn’t run into his arms. She hadn’t missed him. She’d not even commented on the kiss he’d impulsively given her before he left.
“You must be so happy to be going back.”
Was it his imagination, or was her bottom lip trembling? Or was it simply his hope that this was killing her on the inside, the way it was killing him? I want to choose you, he thought, feeling his heart begin to crack into pieces. Somehow he managed to speak past the ti
ght ache in his throat. “Ecstatic.”
“You don’t look happy.”
“I’m just in a lot of pain.” Emotional pain. The only thing relationships brought him. He wasn’t good at them. He couldn’t even tell Cadence, whom he loved without end, that he loved her. That he wanted her. He didn’t know what to do with the immeasurable love he felt for her.
There was no way he could make her feel the same way.
Agony twisted in his chest, emotions coiling up so tight, he couldn’t begin to figure out what they were. All he knew was that he needed her. He loved her so much, he was pretty sure that nothing—not even his job—mattered more.
“You’ll have to give me your e-mail address, so we can write.” She was no longer straining to smile. No longer moving in his direction. She’d stopped, and now she was backing up. “So we can keep in touch. If you want.”
“Uh…yeah.” It occurred to him in that moment that she was letting him go, her choice made.
And he had to make his. “I’ll see you at the wedding, then? Or have you changed your mind?”
“I’ll probably go,” she said quietly, compressing her lips together instead of showing any emotion.
Please, he begged her, give me a sign. Do you want me? Will you trust me with your heart?
But nothing.
So he turned and walked away. There was nothing else he could do.
Chapter Fourteen
Lord, I don’t know how I can go to the wedding. Cadence closed her devotional and set the small book on her kitchen table beside her Bible. While she was happy for Amy and Westin, for this marriage seemed to be a true blessing to their lives, she was not looking forward to seeing Ben. To pretending she didn’t feel this endless love for him.
It would be simple not to go. She could make excuses, and stay away from the wedding. Her heart had been battered enough. She could send the gift. Surely Amy would understand.
But it wouldn’t be right, her conscience reminded her. It would be cowardly.
Yeah, but it sure would be easier if she didn’t see Ben one more time. Seeing him would only make her wish, and she’d had enough lost dreams to know that nothing was going to come from this one.
It was better to let him go now. To write him out of her life. To stop thinking about him. Stop wishing for him. Stop—somehow—the love from growing ever bigger and more consuming in her soul. That would be the sensible and practical thing to do. It was self-preservation.
But missing the wedding was not the right thing to do. Rachel had promised to save her a seat in the church. The McKaslins had once been like family to her. How could she not help them celebrate the blessing of true love in Amy’s life?
It was not an easy thing getting ready for the wedding. She wore her best summer sundress, a floral pattern with straps that crisscrossed her back and a ruffled full skirt that shivered around her when she walked. She’d added matching strappy sandals and a strand of fake pearls at her throat.
She took the time to French braid her hair, although she was running a bit late. The less time spent waiting in the church for the ceremony to start, the less time to see Ben, to think about Ben and to try to hold back the tides of her heart.
At ten minutes past noon she grabbed her purse, keys and the carefully wrapped gift and locked the front door behind her. The wildfire had been curbed in the past few days so that the haze was nearly gone from the air, although the wind still stung of smoke. She climbed into her car and headed out of the city.
The fertile mountain river valley rolled out before her, gorgeous in the midday sun. The awesome peaks of the Rocky Mountains jutted up from the valley floor, growing closer and rising higher as she followed the highway west and took the exit to the small town of Manhattan.
Memories rolled by her. Of being six years old and riding to the drive-in for ice cream on her rusty pink bike with the training wheels Mom had picked up at the secondhand store. The small forgotten trailer park beyond the alley behind the grocery store where she’d lived with her family in a fourteen-foot trailer when her dad was out of work for a year.
The main street, polished and renewed with new shops and restaurants—the town benefiting from the building boom in Bozeman—seemed not so changed. Kids still rode their ponies to town. Boys on bikes raced down the sidewalk. Families picnicked in the town’s central park. A part of her would always be the little country girl who’d grown up here.
The church was packed. It was also beautiful. Pale pink ribbons draped the bouquets at the ends of the aisles. Pink and white roses were everywhere and the sweet fragrance scented the air.
A tall teenage boy in a tux, whom she recognized as Paige’s son, took her gift and pointed out the family area in the front. She stood on tiptoe, trying to see if there was possibly any room for her. There didn’t look to be, and in truth, she prayed there wasn’t. The farther away she was from Ben, the better.
But then Rachel popped up, hurrying toward her in a beautiful pink dress and matching heels, and gave her a welcoming hug. “Oh, I was so worried you wouldn’t come! Follow me.”
Negotiating the aisle wasn’t easy, for attendees were still sitting down, kids were darting down the aisle and folks stood in groups, talking with friends, loved ones and neighbors. Snippets of conversation, from the morning’s rise in wheat prices to comments on the flowers, rose above the soft classical organ music being played in the front of the modest, old-fashioned church. Bach, she thought, but she wasn’t sure.
Rachel led the way to the front pews, twisting around to talk as they went. “I told Ben I’d keep an eye out for you. He’s giving Amy away, you know. It’s a tough job for him, because he’s a big softie underneath all the tough-guy stuff and it’s hard giving up a sister.”
“They will still be living in town, won’t they?”
“Oh, sure. There’s a big argument going on between us.” She rolled her eyes, the gesture indicating it wasn’t such a serious disagreement. “I say she and Heath and Westin ought to have the family home, where I’m living. I love the seclusion, but really, I don’t need all that space, not when, after today, it will be the three of them squished into Amy’s little trailer.” She darted into the front row. “I say they should take the house—excuse me, Paige—and I’d be as happy as could be in the snug little trailer, but Amy’s too stubborn.”
“Independent,” Paige corrected with a wink. “Hi, Cadence. Have you seen Ben yet?”
She shook her head, touched by the warm welcome as Paige stood to hug her, too. “I just arrived.”
“I think he was trying to avoid you earlier. You know men and weddings. But you’re his date—”
“Not really. Not officially.”
“Why, of course you are.” Rachel spoke up, determined on her brother’s behalf. “He’s just asked us to look after you until he can join us. Oh, look, they’re going to start.”
“Aren’t you a bridesmaid, in that lovely dress?”
“Oh, no. Amy had a better idea, and we all loved it so much.” Rachel beamed. “You wait and see.”
The music changed. The soft sonorous chords of the wedding march brought the guests to their feet. The minister settled behind the altar. The sun chose that moment to beam more brightly through the tall stained-glass windows, casting jeweled light like a blessing.
From the vestibule, two tuxedoed figures flanked Amy, petite and beautiful in a princess’s gown of white. She had one gloved hand on her little son’s arm and the other on her brother’s.
Ben. Cadence’s heart wrenched so hard, it brought tears to her eyes. Let everyone think she was moved by happiness for Amy. It was true. She was deeply glad that Amy had found a forever kind of love in the solemn man waiting for her at the altar. He seemed to stand strong with a great love for her.
When the minister asked, “Who gives this woman in marriage?” Heath was already reaching for her, reverent and loving.
“We do,” Ben and Westin answered together.
Amy stepped forwar
d, her hand in Heath’s, and the music was replaced by silence. No accompaniment was necessary as the couple gazed into each other’s eyes. True love.
It was a reason to rejoice. Cadence swiped at the corners of her eyes, delicately trying to hide the dampness because she wanted her own happy ending. She would be content that Amy had found hers. Sometimes true love found a way even in this complicated world.
Ben made his way to the family pew. “Excuse me,” he whispered to his sisters, but they refused to budge.
“Move on, bud,” Rachel whispered, apparently unsympathetic to her brother’s need to sit somewhere other than the space at Cadence’s left-hand side.
Cadence tried not to let it bother her. She moved down so Ben could sit next to Rachel, and earned Ben’s questioning look. But the minister had started to speak, so he took the space on the pew, his iron-hard thigh pressing against hers. His shoulder was like steel.
There was no way to ignore the fact that she was so close and yet so distant from him.
“I’m glad you came.” Ben leaned close to speak against her ear.
He was? Well, then they were still friends after all. Was it all they could ever be? Her heart yearned for him. Her soul was filled with his presence. It was impossible not to fall even more in love with this wonderful, good man in his black tux, solemn and faithful as he bowed his head in prayer.
Beside him, she did the same, determined to keep her sorrow tucked away. She’d been fine all these years without Ben. She’d be fine for the rest of the years to come without him in her life. Think of all the good reasons God had brought them together again. To heal them both of regrets. To help Westin—Amy might not have started his swimming lessons so soon if Cadence’s path hadn’t crossed Ben’s.
And she would never have gotten to know for sure—for absolute sure—that good men did exist. She’d been disillusioned through her experiences, it was true—her fiancé who’d abandoned her when times got tough, her manager who’d stolen from her.