by Simon Hawke
"And you will give me this free sample to try out, with no obligation on my part?" the woman said.
"None whatsoever," Harlan said. "There you are, my lady. Your very own free bar of Doc's Magic Dirt Remover. Try it and you'll see that everything I claim for it is true."
The woman anxiously accepted the bar of soap and hastened to the stream to try it out, and while Harlan still had his captive audience, he began to tell them of the other wondrous products that he had to sell. A fire was built while they rested by the road, and some water was put on the boil, and he brewed up some of Calamity Jane's Celestial Steepings Tea, which was enthusiastically received. As they drank their tea, he listened to their tales about their journey and what was happening in Pittsburgh and how they'd all decided to move out of the city in search of a better, safer life, all the while commenting on how delightfully the brew smelled and how healthful an effect it was having on him.
The woman he'd given the free sample of soap to returned from her bath down by the creek, amazed and full of enthusiasm for the miraculous properties of the magical new product. She immediately became the center of attention as she regaled everyone with a description of how the Magic Dirt Remover had turned to foamy lather, and how wonderful it felt upon her skin, and how with a little bit of scrubbing, which felt very smooth and pleasant, all the dirt and dust had magically washed away. And, indeed, she did look very clean and had a nice, fresh smell about her. Harlan merely sat back and smiled as she sold the product for him, and by the time she finished, everyone was clamoring for some Magic Dirt Remover of their own. He sold out not only his entire supply of soap, but also his entire supply of teas, as well. And then, when he had exhausted all his other inventory, he brought out the piece de resistance... the many-bladed knife.
When they all saw the grips of polished nickallirium, they marveled. When they saw him demonstrate some of its many uses, they were amazed. And when he allowed as to how he might be willing to let them go a bit more cheaply than he'd planned, because he'd planned to sell them along with specially made cases and it would not be fair to sell them at their original price without those cases, they all wanted to be the first to take advantage of the special discount.
He only had a dozen knives to sell, and not all the travelers were able to afford them, even with the "special discount," but as other travelers saw their camp and stopped to see what was going on, his audience increased and he managed to sell all twelve of the many-bladed knives, even getting a higher price for some of them as people began to bid against one another in an effort to get one before his supply had been exhausted. The demand was far greater than the supply, so Harlan offered to take orders.
"Understand now," he said, "that no one else will have these knives for sale but myself, so if you wish to place your order, you can do so now and pick them up in a week's time at the town of Brigand's Roost. And you need not give me a deposit now. I am an honest peddlar, and I believe that you are all honest individuals, yourselves. I will trust you and I will take your orders and you need pay only when you pick them up. And if you should change your minds, well then... 'twill be my loss, but then I think that I will have little difficulty selling such fine and useful items, so I do not much fear incurring any short-term losses."
He sold out his entire inventory and took orders for more tea, more knives, and more of Doc's Magic Dirt Remover.
"Just be sure to tell everyone that you got these wondrous, useful items from Harlan the Peddlar, and that no one else has them to offer. And if you should encounter anyone who wants some of these special items for themselves, why then, I would consider giving a special discount to anyone who came to me with orders of six or more for any of these items. And for anyone who came to me with a dozen orders, why... for such initiative, I would be compelled to reduce the price to you still further."
He then asked the travelers where they were going, and some replied to Franktown, while others were heading for the Kingdom of Valdez, and still others to other kingdoms, but there were more than a few who had not yet decided on their final destination.
"This town of Brigand's Roost," asked one of them, "where you may be found in one week's time. Do you think there may be work there?"
"Aye, I think there may very well be work, indeed," said Harlan, "for 'tis in Brigand's Roost that these very goods are made. Why, only recently, a great and powerful wizard from a far-off land took up residence nearby, and 'tis through his largesse that these products have now been made available to the general public. As of now, 'tis true, Brigand's Roost is but a small village, but as the sales of these wondrous new products will increase, the size of the village will increase, as well, and there will be new housing, and more work, and a wise man could get in on the ground floor of a good opportunity if he were to get in early, before the coming boom. As for myself, I must get back to Brigand's Roost and place some of these new orders, and replenish my own stock, so I shall leave you all to discuss these things amongst yourselves and sleep on it tonight. And then, who knows, perhaps I will be seeing you in Brigand's Roost!"
He said goodbye to them and got up in his cart and left them, traveling all night long to get a good head start. He had to get back to Brigand's Roost and talk to Mick and Robie. He had to see about setting up a real estate office and starting a construction firm. Things were going to start happening a lot faster than he'd thought, and before anyone started getting in on the ground floor and building, Harlan was going to make sure he owned the land.
Colin Hightower stepped out of the elevator and followed the orderly down the hall. Like the orderly, he was dressed in a white hospital coat, which the orderly had supplied him with because he didn't want him to appear but of place inside the institution.
"I hope you know, I'm taking one hell of a risk, doing this," said the orderly, a trifle nervously. "The patient's not supposed to have any visitors at all, aside from staff and approved visiting physicians. Dr. Shulman would have a fit if he found out I'd brought in a reporter. I'm taking one hell of a chance here."
"All you have to do is get me in to ask her a few questions and then safely out again," said Colin, "and you'll have made a tidy profit on the deal. Easy money."
"Not so easy if we get caught," the orderly replied. "But around this time, the duty nurse usually goes back in the supply room for a little action with the security guard. We should have at least half an hour. You figure that's enough?"
"I guess it'll have to be," said Colin. "Now you're quite sure the patient isn't violent?"
"Nah, she isn't violent," the orderly replied. "She keeps trying to come on to me so I'll help her to escape, but she's never tried to hurt anybody. She's a nice girl, really. Sorta sweet. Damn shame she's so screwed up."
"You said you could get me a copy of her file," Colin said.
"Yeah, I got it right here," the orderly said, ducking into an empty room and pulling a large manila envelope out from beneath his coat. "I took a photocopy of it, only listen, if you ever tell anybody where you got it, I'll deny it and say you tried to bribe me for a copy."
"I did bribe you for a copy," Colin said wryly.
"Yeah, well, just be cool with this, know what I mean? It's my ass that's on the line, not yours. I need this job. My girlfriend's driving me straight to the poorhouse."
"You have my sympathies," said Colin. "Let's hope your wife doesn't find out."
He opened up the file and scanned it quickly. It was just as he'd expected. It was the same story every time. So far, he'd followed up on half a dozen of these cases, and each time, no matter how far apart they were, the story was disturbingly, inexplicably the same.
None of the people had any idea where they really were. All of them were dressed in some bizarre, medieval fashion when they were apprehended, and all of them seemed completely baffled by modern technology. They were terrified by automobiles and traffic lights, electric signs and trains, skyscrapers and asphalt roads, and the noise and stress of modern cities. They all acted as i
f they had never heard a radio or used a telephone or seen a television set before. They all claimed it was some kind of sorcery. It was the strangest syndrome he had ever heard of.
Even stranger, every single one of them had exhibited an irresistible compulsion to return to Pittsburgh, though when questioned about Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, none of them seemed to have any familiarity with the city and, in at least one case, when the individual concerned had actually reached Pittsburgh, he had claimed that it wasn't Pittsburgh at all, but some other place, and that the Pittsburgh that he came from was nothing like that whatsoever.
They all told the same, surreal story about some kind of mythical city by the name of Pittsburgh, located in the Kingdom of Pitt, which was named after somebody called Pitt the Plunderer and ruled by a monarch known as Bonnie King Billy, though other similar and less flattering versions of the monarch's name were often used. When pressed for further details, these patients all told remarkably similar stories, about some kind of fantastical, medieval city in a land of twenty-seven kingdoms, where magic abounded and mythical creatures roamed the forests. And the compulsion to return to that bizarre, medieval, fairy-tale world continued unabated in each and every one of them.
Many of the patients were quite violent and had to be either sedated or restrained, frequently both. Two of them had actually managed to escape the institutions where they were confined, but both had been recaptured. And all of them seemed to be held in thrall by some kind of being or entity named Warrick. They were terrified of him, or it, and yet they were all driven by a relentless compulsion to return to his alabaster tower.
The more Colin found out about this strange phenomenon, the more fascinated he became. What was it? Some kind of mass psychosis that struck randomly, in isolated cases, located many miles apart? What could be responsible for it? Could these people all be the victims of some kind of secret cult? It certainly seemed to have bizarre, satanic overtones, with elements of magic and the occult, and fantastic, mythical creatures. Colin had never heard of anything like it.
"Come on, we're wasting time," the orderly said. "You can look through all that later. If you want to see her, we've gotta go in now."
"Okay," Colin said, "let's go."
The orderly checked the halls, then beckoned him forward. They hurried down the corridor.
"You're absolutely sure this patient is nonviolent?" said Colin nervously.
"Hey, don't worry about it, man, she wouldn't hurt a fly. She's real simple, you know? Sweet, but not too bright. All she does all day is watch TV. The doc had a set brought in because she's safe with it and it keeps her quiet. Like I said, it's a damn shame. She's a real nice kid."
The orderly opened the door and they went inside the room. It looked like a perfectly ordinary hospital room, except for the bars over the special, shatterproof windows.
A girl was sitting cross-legged on the bed, dressed in a hospital gown and watching television with a wide-eyed expression of utter fascination. She was blonde, and fairly pretty in a pouty sort of way,- with a slim, attractive figure and green eyes. She looked about seventeen or eighteen years old, but there was something very childlike about her.
"Megan, I brought you a visitor," the orderly said.
"A visitor!" the girl said, turning toward them with a beaming smile. "Oh, how nice!"
"Now remember, Megan, this has got to be our secret," said the orderly. "You know what Dr. Shulman said. No visitors. If you told anyone about this, I'd get in a lot of trouble."
"Oh, I won't tell a soul!" said Megan earnestly. " 'Twill be our secret, Andy." She gave him a conspiratorial wink.
"Be nice to the man, now," said Andy. He turned to Colin. "I'll keep watch outside. If you hear me knockin', you move your ass, you hear?"
"Gotcha," Colin said. He went over to the bed and sat down on the edge. "Hello, my name is Colin. And your name is Megan?"
"That's me," she said brightly. " 'Tis nice to be makin' your acquaintance, Colin."
"Well, it's very nice to meet you, too, Megan. I understand you come from Pittsburgh."
"Oh, yes!" she said. "You know it? No one here seems to know anything about Pittsburgh. 'Tis most peculiar. The things they keep telling me about Pittsburgh are all wrong. But I do so need to get back! Can you please help me, Colin?"
"Why do you need to get back there, Megan?"
"Oh, because I simply must, that's why! I must get back to Warrick's tower. I must tell him where I've been."
"And where have you been?" asked Colin.
"Why, here, of course! 'Tis a most peculiar place! I have never seen such magic. Like this magic box here, which unfolds the most miraculous visions! Some .of them are frightening, and some are funny, and some I do not understand at all. Why do those strangely armored men fight over a small leather ball? And what is this winged creature called a Maxipad?"
"I often find those things confusing, myself," said Colin. "Tell me, Megan, do you remember how you came here?"
"Men called police brought me," she replied.
"No, I mean before that," Colin said. "How did you leave Pittsburgh?"
She frowned. "They've asked me that before," she said. "I am not really sure. I was brought into Warrick the White's sanctorum, in his tower, and there was Warrick, and his horrid little troll, and he fastened me into this strange device so that I could not move and then he spoke a spell and here I was. Oh, but I do need to get back! Won't you help me, Colin, please? I can be nice to you. I can be very sweet, you know. You'd like that, wouldn't you? Don't you think I'm pretty? Most men think I'm pretty. I have a pretty body, don't you think?"
She raised her hospital gown over her head and pulled it off, and Colin was suddenly confronted with a very attractive, very willing, and very naked girl.
"Yes, Megan, you are very pretty, indeed," he said, "but I'm old enough to be your father. I'm probably much older than your father."
"I wouldn't know," she said coquettishly. "I've never known my father. But I've had older men than you, Colin. And I think you really are quite handsome. You will help me to get away from this place, won't you?" She shifted over close to him and slid up onto his lap. "Do please help me, Colin, and I will be ever so grateful!"
She nuzzled his ear with her tongue and nipped ever so lightly at his earlobe. Gently, but firmly, Colin pushed her away.
"You're a darling girl, Megan," he said, "but it wouldn't be right, you know. I like you, and I'd like to help you, but I don't really know how to help you get back to Pittsburgh. I'm not sure I understand how you got here, or where you really came from. Is there anything else you can tell me about Warrick? Maybe that will help."
"Don't you want me, Colin?" she said petulantly. "Don't you like me?"
"I like you very much," said Colin, "but first tell me about Warrick."
"Oh, very well. He is called Warrick the White, and he is the Grand Director of the Sorcerers and Adepts Guild, and he lives in an alabaster tower not far from King Billy's royal palace in the center of Pittsburgh. He is the most powerful wizard in the twenty-seven kingdoms and I think he is a very evil man."
"Why is he evil?"
"Because he makes people disappear," she replied. "The way he made me disappear."
"But you haven't really disappeared, have you?" Colin said. "I mean, I can see you clearly. You're right there in front of me, in all your naked splendor."
She dimpled prettily. "My, how nice you talk! Why not come here and lie beside me?"
"Why don't you put your gown back on?" said Colin. "I'm afraid you might catch cold."
"Oh, I'm sure you can keep me warm," she said with a coy look.
"Let's get back to Warrick," Colin said, clearing his throat uneasily. He tried to look only into her eyes. "How did he make you disappear?"
"Why, I told you! He put me into his magical device and spoke a spell and here I am. He's done it to a lot of people, you know. Everybody says so. I never thought 'twould happen to me, for I've never done anything wrong, but
then that awful deputy of Sheriff Waylon's arrested me because I wouldn't go with him because he smelled so bad, and now here I am. 'Tis not really very fair. Now I need to get back and they won't let me go. But you can help, Colin, can't you? You could take me with you? I'd be ever so sweet to you, I would."
The orderly knocked softly on the door and then opened it a crack. "Come on, man, let's go! I think I hear the duty nurse comin' down the hall!"
"Okay, one minute," Colin said. "Megan, just one more question-"
"Now, man, now, or we'll both get our asses busted!"
"Hell," said Colin, getting up. "I'm sorry, Megan, but I've got to go." .
"You'll come back and visit me again, won't you, Colin?" she said pleadingly. "You'll come back and take me with you? We can go back to Pittsburgh and I'll take ever such good care of you and-"
The orderly pulled him out the door. "Come on, man, we gotta get out of here now! She stopped in the ladies' room, but she'll be out in just a minute. Move!"
Suddenly, a blur moved past them, knocking them both aside, and Megan took off running down the hall, stark naked.
"Oh, shit!" said the orderly.
They had left the elevator keyed open, to facilitate a fast exit, and Megan ran straight for it.
"God damn it," said the orderly as he sprinted after her, with Colin huffing and puffing to stay on his heels.
Megan must have seen the elevator in operation before, because she knew to turn the key and push the buttons. The doors slid closed just as the orderly ran up to them.
"Oh, Jesus freakin' Christ," the orderly swore. "That tears it!"
"What do we do now?" asked Colin.