Beautiful Lessons

by Rebecca Brooke

  Without another word, he goes back into the house, leaving me alone with my thoughts. A voice is screaming at me that she needs me, that she really doesn’t mean what she said. But why did Alyssa see her kissing Brendan on the cheek a little bit ago. He was the one who knew that she wasn’t coming to school on Friday and he was the one she called to take her to the party. Why did she trust him more than me?

  The first person I put my faith in and gave everything to is ripping my heart out. I’d say it was shattered, but that means I could put it back together. I’m not sure how much time passes before Travis comes back out of the house and the look on his face tells me all I need to know.

  “She meant it, didn’t she?” My stomach feels hollow. It’s probably a good thing I haven’t eaten today, otherwise I’m pretty sure I’d puke all over the porch.

  “I don’t know what to say.” Travis looks everywhere but at me.

  There’s nothing left to say or do. I step off the porch, feeling like an ass, and head towards my car.

  “Jayceon?”

  Turning, I look at him, his face blurred by tears.

  “She doesn’t mean all of it. Give her time, she’ll figure out what she wants. And deep down I know she wants you.”

  “If she wanted me, she’d be out here instead of you.”

  Without another word, I get into my truck in a daze. Somehow I make it home and up to my room, locking the door before I flop down onto my bed. Reaching into the drawer next to it, I pull out a sketch pad and a pencil. The action seems so simple, yet it feels like my body has weights on it. No plan in mind, I put the pencil to the paper and let my emotions lead the way. About fifteen minutes later, my phone starts beeping. Text after text comes in, until I finally turn it off, not in the mood to talk to anyone.

  I’m not sure how long I’ve been drawing, when I look down at the completed design. Mom tried to talk to me a while ago, but I ignored her. Even though that makes me an ass, I want to be alone. Looking down at picture, I really see what I put on that paper. It’s an eye, mine to be exact. Inside there’s a reflection of Seona holding my heart in her hands. It represents all that I’m feeling. Words couldn’t have expressed it better.

  I spend the rest of the weekend in my room. The only time I venture out is to get something to eat, although I’m not that hungry. Mom and Dad both try talking to me, but give up pretty quickly when they realize I’m not in the mood. Actually, what I’m dreading the most, is going back to school. Things have just started getting better, I can only imagine the shit I’m going to have to deal with now. Knowing Chaz and Vanessa, they’ll just add extra crap into the normal rumors, but this time it’ll be that Seona wanted to get away from me.

  I guess that’s partially the truth, I just wish I knew why. More than that, I want to understand Travis’ advice. Does Seona really love me? If so, then why is she pushing me away?

  Monday morning comes all too soon, but instead of my normal routine, I respect her wishes and go straight to my locker, where Alyssa is waiting for me.

  “You haven’t answered my texts,” she starts and I really don’t want to hear it.

  “I wanted to be alone.”

  “Jayceon, what happened after you went to talk to her?” She reaches out and touches my arm.

  Not wanting to get into this here, I turn and open my locker. As I’m reaching for my books, she grabs my arm and turns me towards her.

  “Talk to me. I know you and this is way worse than it seemed Saturday night when you left to pick her up.”

  Sighing, I turn around, my eyes drop to the ground. I don’t want her to see how upset I am. It’s not something I can deal with right now. “Can we talk at lunch? I don’t want to be late.”

  She wraps her arms around my shoulders and gives me a hug. “Yeah. We’ll talk later.” And just like that, she walks away. I didn’t expect her to back down so easily. Whatever. The more I can hide what I’m feeling from the rest of the assholes in the building the better, since they’ll just use it against me. I turn back to my locker and get my stuff out for my first class.

  “I guess you couldn’t keep her attention after all,” a voice whispers in my ear. I know it’s Chaz, whose shit I really don’t need today. “I’ll make it real good for her, when I slide between her legs.”

  I whirl around, ready to let him have it. Except, he’s already a few steps away from me, walking backwards, watching me. Full of anger, I take a step towards him, bracing for whatever comes, when two of his cronies step up beside him. John and Mitch may be smaller than me and Chaz, but they have the numbers to kick my ass. Chaz is smirking the whole way to class, never once turning around to walk forward. The other two look at me like they are itching for a fight, but I know better, they’re not going to do a thing unless Chaz gives them the go ahead.

  This weekend was enough emotional pain that I don’t need to add physical to it. They laugh their asses off with Chaz taunting me until he reaches the end of the hall. Asshole. As the anger recedes, and the hurt works its way back in, I wonder how Chaz already knows. The answer hits me like a punch to the gut.

  She’s more than happy to spread the word that she’s single again.

  To think every touch and every kiss wasn’t real is more than I can deal with. Today is going to suck. Thankfully, I don’t see Seona all morning. Not that I expected to, we don’t have any classes together until history. I guess a part of me hoped to see her. That maybe she had changed her mind about us. It’s on the way to the lunchroom that I realize that the first time I saw her was when she walked into the cafeteria on her first day.

  So much has happened since then. It makes me not want to go in there and deal with the memories or the sight of her at lunch, but I can’t leave Alyssa hanging because, just like always, she’s the only one who’s been there for me no matter what. Right now, I don’t have a whole lot of faith in Brendan.

  Grudgingly, I walk up to the door when I’m shoved from behind, books flying everywhere.

  “Shit,” I mutter, bending over to pick up the books.

  “That’s it, keeping bending over. It’s probably the only kinda action you’ll ever see,” Chaz says from behind me.

  I stand up and whip around to face him. “Fuck you, asshole. I’m sick of your shit.”

  “And what are you going to do about it?” He gestures around the room. “There’s no one here going to defend you anymore. Seona’s finally figured out you’re not worth the time.”

  “You son of a bitch,” I say, taking a step towards him when a voice stops me.

  “Mr. Ashworth and Mr. Hartman, we don’t have a problem here, do we?”

  “No,” I practically growl. Teeth clenched, I bend down to pick up my things. When I stand up with my stuff, I lock eyes with Seona. Hers are bloodshot with black circles underneath, probably from partying this weekend, now that she’s free of me.

  “That’s it. Learn your place. You never deserved her in the first place,” Chaz yells, as I walk towards the table where Alyssa is sitting.

  “Screw up, asshole.” My gut clenches tight, my fingers flexing as I try and keep control. I’m not sure what I should feel anymore. Dropping my stuff onto the table, I sink down into the seat, taking deep breaths to calm myself.

  “Hey,” Alyssa says softly. The sympathy is evident on her face. It’s nice, but not really what I need right now.

  All of Chaz’s shit over the last year was a walk in the park compared to today. This is a whole new level of horrible and coming face to face with Seona as Chaz was dealing out more of his garbage and pointing out how wrong I am for her, was just too much. Going home sick sounds pretty good. The problem with that is, showing them any weakness only makes it worse. So, although it is killing me, I sit down at the table and pretend to ignore them. It’s not easy. Instead, I focus on Alyssa.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  I start to shake my head when I realize that I actually do want to tell her. Maybe she can help me make heads or tails of
what the hell is the truth. Taking a deep breath, I tell her everything that happened from the moment she called me up until a few minutes ago when I saw her in the hallway.

  “Holy shit! She actually dumped you!” Alyssa’s cheeks flush with anger.

  “Said she doesn’t want to be with me anymore.” The whole conversation was making me queasy.

  “Do you think she lied about loving you?”

  Running a hand through my hair, I look at her. “Does it matter? It doesn't seem like she cares anyway, especially with how quickly everyone knew this morning.” I want to throw up letting those words past my lips.

  “I can’t believe she would do that. I mean, I knew you were upset last night, it’s why I called to tell you about her being at the deli. I never thought she’d break up with you. I just thought she might be ready to talk.”

  “That’s not exactly how you phrased it yesterday,” I say, raising a brow at her.

  “I know, but I was just so upset seeing her like that after the way you ran out of the house to save her the other night.”

  “Yeah, not that it mattered in the end anyway. Apparently, I’m still not worth the time.”

  She reaches over and covers her hand with mine. “Don’t do that.”

  “Do what?” Now I’m staring at the table, avoiding her gaze.

  “Look at me.”

  With a sigh, I move my gaze to hers.

  “I know you,” she says. “You cared about her and this is tearing you up inside. But that doesn't mean you aren’t worth someone’s time. She’s an idiot and I hope one day she’s able to see what a stupid mistake she made. And I hope it’s after you find someone who truly makes you happy.”

  “She made me happy, Lyssa.”

  “These people piss me off. I was actually trying to like her. You don’t—” Her lip curled, her gaze over my head and across the room. “That bitch!”

  Not knowing how I’m going to react to what’s behind me, I turn and want to punch something. Seona and Brendan are sitting alone, having a little quiet conversation to themselves.

  “Fuck!”

  I’ve had all I can take. Maybe Brendan can give her what I apparently can’t. That’s it. I’m done putting myself out there for everyone to trample on. My heart got broken and it’s going to take time. Then again, I may never trust again. All I know is that Seona can be someone else’s problem now.

  Who am I kidding? I get up and walk out of the cafeteria, ignoring Alyssa calling my name. There’s nothing worth staying for, I can deal with everyone else’s shit later. I need to do what’s best for me right now.

  And that means getting as far away as possible from her.

  Chapter 26

  Seona

  Going through yesterday was torture. I stayed in my room and never left-only to use the bathroom. Travis stayed home too and would come into my room to check on me. I didn’t want to talk to him. I turned my phone off and avoided Facebook and Instagram. I didn’t want to know about anyone or see something from Jayceon that would break my already broken heart.

  I spent time writing. It was a release I needed. Opening my notebook to a blank page, I took my blue ballpoint pen and wrote what I was feeling. It was almost like therapy, except I was the only one in session.

  It’s so late and I’m wide awake. I’ve been doing everything I can to get to sleep, but when I close my eyes, I see Jayceon. How am I supposed to face him tomorrow at school?

  The alarm blares and soon my phone is vibrating on my nightstand.

  “Hello,” I answer in a tired, don’t mess with me, tone.

  “Morning sunshine!” I look at my phone and see it’s Brendan. “Get your butt outta bed and come meet me downstairs. I may have a Starbucks latte for you.”

  “I hate you,” I fume, not wanting to get out of my comfortable bed. “Coming down in a few minutes.”

  I throw on a baggy hoodie and my cropped yoga pants. I didn’t do any of my homework and have two tests today plus a one on one dance with my teacher. Fuck today. Fuck Monday.

  Going downstairs, Brendan eyes me and shakes his head. “What?”

  “You look like a homeless person.” He stifles a laugh. I punch his stomach and end up hurting my hand. “Abs of steel baby.”

  “Dork,” I mutter, sipping on my little cup of heaven. We pull into the school parking lot and I panic. My eyes are circling the lot, seeing if I can spot Jayceon or his big truck. “Maybe I shouldn’t have come to school today.”

  “You gotta accept what you did.”

  “I didn’t want to.” I lean my head against his truck window. “It’s so complicated, Brendan. You wouldn’t understand.”

  “Try me.”

  I cross my arms over my chest, “Because I’m a hot mess, Brendan. I have no idea what’s going to happen with me and my dad. Emotionally, I’m drained and honestly I want to be alone. I still love him, but I have so much baggage.”

  He eyes me, resting his hands on his thighs. “What makes you think he doesn’t want to help you or take your baggage?”

  “Because we’re both so young. He has New York to look forward to and me,” I pause, wiping a tear from my eye. “I’m living day by day.”

  “What makes you think he isn’t also?”

  I know his pain and my pain are because of me. The image of Jayceon begging me to stay hurts me like shards of glass slowly slicing my skin. Part of me wants to run back into his arms and beg for him to forgive me, but I know, at this time, I can’t. Am I being selfish?

  We walk into school together and he places his arm around me and walks me to English.

  “You’ll be okay,” he says, giving me a hug. “It’ll be okay.”

  “Yeah.”

  In English we have a test, which I didn’t prepare for. I look at the questions on the paper and all I see is Jayceon’s name. I swear, I’m losing it.

  Pulling answers out of the air, I finish and hand it in. Since there’s still twenty minutes left, I pull out my other assignments and play catch up.

  The rest of my classes are the same. In business, Claire tries to talk to me. I’m doing my best to hold it in. I don’t want to cry.

  “Seona, what’s going on?”

  Taking in a few breaths, I answer without showing too much emotion in my tone. “Jayceon and I broke up.”

  “Yeah, I heard.” I turn my head to look at her. Seriously? Jayceon’s already telling people. I laugh to myself. By tomorrow he’ll be dating Alyssa. Awesome.

  “It sucks. I feel sick, but it’s what I had to do.” Claire squeezes my hand and I force myself to think about what’s going on in class.

  Heading to lunch with Claire and Brendan, I avoid the normal table with Chaz, Vanessa and everyone else.

  “Seona, don’t sit by yourself. Come on,” Claire insists.

  I wave my hand. “It’s fine. Go.”

  “I’ll stay with her,” Brendan tells Claire.

  “I have to get notes from Vanessa, but I’ll be over in a little, ok?” I nod my head and watch Claire go to the table. There’s some commotion outside, but I sit down and put my head on the table.

  “Can today to be over?” Brendan shakes his head and hands me an apple. I decline. “Have you talked to Jayceon?”

  “Na, haven’t seen him today.”

  “OH! Did you know he already told people we broke up! I mean really? What did he do, announce it on Facebook? Turned his status to single. God.”

  “Why are you getting upset? You broke up with him.”

  My chest is heavy. It was my decision to break up with him, but that doesn’t mean I wanted him to spread it around and let girls know he’s single. “Yeah.”

  “Seona, you have to stop worrying and being sad. Break ups aren’t easy, but you are the one who broke up with him. I know it’s hard and being sad is a lot easier than being happy. Don’t let what happened with Jayceon push you down. Sometimes love is going to play these stupid games. If it’s meant to be, you and Jayceon will be together again. It’s
high school love.”

  “I can’t stop thinking about him. How he looked when I broke it off, and all the days and nights together. I love him, Brendan. I really do.”

  Suddenly, Jayceon passes our table and doesn’t look over at me. I want to call out to him, tell him I’m sorry, and make him understand, but he slips through the doors and into the hallways.

  Skipping the rest of my classes, I ask Brendan to take me home. When he drops me off I rush inside, thankful that Travis isn’t home, and curl up in a ball on my bed. I will myself to sleep, forgetting about today, hoping for a better tomorrow.

  “Jayceon!” I squeal, wrapping my arms around his neck, throwing my head back. “You’re tickling me!”

  “I love hearing you laugh.” he smiles and kisses me. Our tongues meet and I swear my body shakes with his kisses. “I love you, Seona.”

  “I love you too.” Jayceon looks into my eyes, gently laying me down on his bed. He hovers over me, kissing my forehead and lips. “When are you parents coming back?”

  “Late,” he mutters between kisses. His hands roaming the sides of my body, moving to my stomach and up to my breasts.

  “Good.” I smirk and in seconds our clothes are off. He slides on a condom and I feel him slowly entering me.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he whispers. I grip his back with my hands, and he goes a little faster.

  I’m moaning into his mouth, loving this moment with him. In a few moments, his body stills and mine slowly falls back to the ground.

  Waking up in a pool of sweat, I reach for my phone and am about to text Jayceon when I stop myself and instead of texting him, I look at pictures of us from before.

  We’re happy. I’m happy. For the first time in so long, I’m really happy. But then I fucked it all up.

  The next morning, I stay home from school, telling Travis I don’t feel good. I spend most of the day in the bathroom, throwing up and dry heaving. Nothing I eat stays down, so I’ve been sticking to juice. My stomach is empty and I feel so weak. Splashing cold water on my face, I take a towel and pat my face dry. It helps a little. When I head back to my room, I decide to call Kendall.