“Seona. What’s wrong?” She answers on the first two rings.
“I’m home today. I feel really alone and I don’t know what to do. Travis is pissed and wants me to go to school. He said I need to stop avoiding Jayceon.”
“What happened?” It hits me. I never told Kendall. I tell her everything, from the moment she dropped me off at Jayceon’s until now.
“Are you serious?” She screeches. “You’re so dumb! Why the fuck did you break up with him? Seona! You know he’s like, the best thing that’s ever happened to you. I know he loves you and it’ll be a damn shame to see you two not work out. I don’t know what’s going on in your head, but you’re being really selfish.”
“What?” I yell into the phone. “How the hell am I being selfish?”
“Because you have this great guy who did everything and would do anything for you and you push him away for no reason. You’re running and hiding. It’s so unfair to the both of you!” I don’t respond because everything she’s saying is right. It still doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. “I don’t know what else to say. If you let him go and don’t fight, then that’s on you.”
“I thought we were best friends.”
“We are!” She yells. “And as your best friend, I am telling you to stop being stupid and wake up!”
“You don’t get it…”
“Seona I do get it, but I still think you’re making the wrong decision. I gotta go. Get better.”
The call disconnects before I can say anything. I stay in bed and sleep, not wanting to face anymore truths.
I go back to school Wednesday and Thursday. For some reason I keep checking my phone, hoping that Jayceon will want to talk. But there’s nothing. How crazy am I to think he’d want to talk. I’m the one who broke up with him and walked away, yet I’m expecting him to keep fighting for me. This is what I wanted, isn’t it?
By the time Friday comes, I’m counting down the hours until I’m at home, in front of the TV, watching chick flicks and stuffing my face with popcorn and chocolates.
Travis is going out of town with his girlfriend and I’m supposed to stay with Claire, only Claire’s sick with the flu. I know John doesn’t want me alone, but I don’t have anyone else to ask and I don’t want to ruin Travis’ weekend away.
Brendan tosses a pen at me. “What?”
We’re studying in the library, but I can’t focus. All I can think about is this weekend and the what ifs.
“What’s wrong?” I explain to him the situation and he comes up with an idea. “I’ll stay with you this weekend.” I raise my brow at him. “We’ll watch movies and talk. I don’t mind. And I’ll sleep on the couch so it’s not so weird.”
I laugh, and nod. “Okay. Thank you for being a great friend.” I lean across the table and kiss his cheek. “You really are amazing.”
“I know.” He smiles, and we go back to studying.
Brendan drops me off at home and tells me he’ll be back in a few hours. I keep busy cleaning and putting away the dishes, sweeping, wiping down the counters and starting my laundry. By the time the doorbell rings, I’m happy with how the house looks.
Opening the door, Brendan walks in with his overnight bag and groceries. I eye what’s in his hand and he laughs, “Trust me, dancer. I’m the best at making spaghetti and meatballs.”
Oh, this weekend’s going to be fun. Brendan kicks me out of the kitchen so he can cook. I pull out my phone and see a few text messages from Kendall.
Kendall: How are things going?
Kendall: I’m worried about you and want you to know that I’m here for you, but you need to realize that you deserve more...
Me: I get what you’re saying...I just need time on my own to figure out my life...I have no idea what I wanna do anymore...I thought after hs I’d be on my way to NYC, but now. Who knows…?
Kendall: Then talk to me…
Me: When I know I’ll talk to you…
Kendall: I love you Seona! Just want the best for my bestie =)
Me: I love you too!
“Honey! Dinner’s ready!” Brendan shouts from the kitchen. I get up and take a seat at the table. “I feel like breaking out in a song and dance right now,” he says, putting a plate of spaghetti and meatballs in front of me.
“Please do. Dinner and a show?”
“Do I see a smile?”
“Brendan.” I put my head down. “Thank you. This looks great. Thank you for doing this for me.”
“You’re welcome.”
We finish dinner and spend the night watching movies – The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, Frozen, World War Z.
After the last movie, I look over and see Brendan passed out. I grab a blanket, put it on him and head upstairs to bed. It’s been a long day and all I want to do is get under the covers and fall asleep.
* * * * *
Saturday night comes way too fast. We went for a run earlier, then vegged out in the living room.
“There’s a party tonight at Vanessa’s,” I tell Brendan. She’s been blowing my phone up, begging me to come over and party. “I told her I didn’t wanna go, but you can if you want.”
“Nah I’m good. Not in the party mood. Plus, I need to kick your ass in Mario Brothers, so come on short stuff!”
We both burst out laughing and play games until the early morning hours. Heading to my bedroom, I look at my phone again and put it away. Since Brendan’s been over, I haven’t thought about Jayceon or Alyssa. I realize that I can be okay without Jayceon. If I didn’t think about him this weekend then, I’ll be okay.
I’ll be okay.
“Seona Ashlee!” My eyes pop open and I think I’m dreaming. “Seona!” Oh shit, I am not dreaming. Pushing myself out of bed I run downstairs to see Mark, Travis, a really pretty red head who I think is the girlfriend and Brendan. Poor Brendan’s on the couch and he looks like he’s about to pee himself. “Seona.”
I look at Mark and smile. “Hey! Welcome back!” My voice is very high pitched and cheery. I try to act cute and walk to him, but the look in his eyes tells me no. “So before you start yelling at me,” I start to say. “Claire got sick and I didn’t want to ruin Travis’ weekend, so Brendan offered to stay over.”
“Did Brendan think with his small peen?” Mark demands, his body tense with a serious look in his eyes.
I burst out laughing and Brendan shakes his head. “No! Brendan’s my best friend and he slept on the couch, as you can see.”
Mark crosses his arms, looks at me then Brendan. “Brendan, thank you for staying with Seona. But if I catch you ever again on my couch, I want you to know that I have guns all over the house.”
Oh goodness, really?
“Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.” Brendan gets up and grabs his things, “Ahh, Seona, I’ll talk to you later.” He zooms out of the house before I can say anything.
“Was that necessary?” I cross my arms and then look at the pretty red head. “Hi! I’m Seona.”
“I’m Erin. It’s nice to meet you!” She smiles and instantly I like her. She’s holding Travis’ hand and his cheeks get a little pink. Too cute.
“Seona honey, can we talk?” Mark asks, taking my hand and leading me to the couch in the living room. I hear Travis tell Erin that he’ll talk to her later and walk her out.
Travis wraps his arm around my neck and hugs me. My own mini sandwich hug.
“What’s going on?” I whisper.
“We need to talk,” Mark says.
Instantly, images of my dad come to my head and I freak out. My hands shake and I feel anxious. “I’m so sorry. I know coming here was a mistake, but please don’t make me leave.”
“Shhh.” Mark kisses the side of my head. “You’re not going anywhere honey.” I nod my head. He lets me go and hands me an envelope. “I need you to read this and before you say anything, take it in and let it register.” I nod my head again and take the envelope from his hands. It isn’t sealed. I pull out the letter and instantly start crying.
My d
earest Seona,
If you’re reading this then that means we’re not together. I told Mark to give this letter to you when you truly needed it and I’m guessing you need to hear what I have to say.
I’m so sorry babygirl, for everything. I’m sorry I have to miss out on the major events of your life and I’m sorry that I’m leaving you with your father. I wish things could be different and I could still be in your life. But I’m always watching you, Seona and I’m always right next to you.
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but you need to know the truth. When I met Mark I met the love of my life. He took my breath away and when I was sixteen I had Travis. Mark already enlisted and had orders to ship out. I was left alone. My parents disowned me and Mark’s family took me in. It was lonely. When Travis turned one, I decided it was time to get a job and I did. I was a waitress and that’s when I met your dad. Seona, I did things I’m not proud of. I was a Marine’s girlfriend, soon to be wife, but when I met your father he showed me a world I was never used to so when I turned eighteen I left with him, leaving behind Mark and Travis.
I wasn’t strong enough to stay in Texas. It’s the biggest regret I have. But we never lost touch. All those times I left for trips, I went to see Mark. I know it was terribly wrong, but I was unhappy with your father. He wouldn’t give me a divorce and you know how your father is. Well, the last time I saw Mark, things happened and nine months later you were here.
Your father was furious. He knew that you weren’t his as soon as he saw you. Seona, there are things that happened when you were born. I couldn’t leave and I never saw Mark again.
The day I found out about my cancer I had Julie mail everything to Mark with a letter from me. He was going to come get the both of us, but with your father’s campaign and us being on the news, I knew a scandal would destroy our lives. He knew the truth and wanted so badly to come get us. Your father got in the way. He found out everything. Before I could leave, it was too late.
Sweetheart, Mark’s your father. I want you to love him the way he’s always loved you. I know I can rest in peace because you have two very strong and loving men in your life who’ll protect you. I want you to live, Seona. Don’t take life for granted. Don’t push away the people who want to love you and care for you. Please don’t make the mistakes I did. You’re so strong, Seona and I believe in you because you’re mine and Mark’s daughter.
Remember how much I love you and how I’m always here. No matter where life takes you, look to your side and you’ll see me.
Until the day we can be together, live, love and laugh Seona.
Live your life to the fullest.
Love like you’ve never loved before.
Laugh every single day.
I love you sweetheart.
Mom
I read the letter over and over again.
Mark is my dad.
Travis is my brother.
The man who I called dad isn’t my dad.
My hands are shaking. My eyes blur and I don’t realize my screams until Travis and Mark are holding me in their arms.
“Shhhh,” Mark whispers. “We’re here.”
“You never came to get me,” I push him away, hitting his chest. “You knew what kind of monster he is and you never came!”
“Sweetheart, I didn’t know what he would have done to you. I tried, but your mom said not to. The family couldn’t afford a scandal that you would be dragged through. I knew that one day I’d see you and hold you and now that day is here. YOU are my daughter. You were created out of love. I’ve loved you since the day I found out you were alive. And I’m going to love you, Seona.” I cry, throwing my arms around the man I’ve always wished was my dad.
* * * * *
The rest of the night is quiet. We share dinner together and I’m really happy. I’m experiencing what a family should be like. After dinner, I head upstairs and call Jayceon. I get his voicemail and decide to text him.
Me: I need to see you, please.
He doesn’t answer. I wait a few more minutes before texting him again.
Me: Please talk to me. I’m so sorry about everything. I need you Jayceon.
Still nothing. I have to talk to him. I have to make him understand.
Heading back downstairs I find Mark in the kitchen. “Mark,” I hesitate, “is it okay if I call you daddy? I don’t wanna call you dad since that’s what I called Paul. It’s a tainted word now.”
He turns around and I see tears in his eyes. “Yes, sweetheart.” He walks to me, bringing me in his arms. “I’ve been waiting eighteen years for you.”
“Me too.” I hug him back, never wanting to let him go. We stand like this for a few minutes before I get the courage to ask him my next question. “I messed up with Jayceon. I love him and now he won’t talk to me.” He nods his head. “Can I go to his house and talk to him?”
“Do you really love him, Seona?”
“I do. He’s the best and for the first time I felt alive. I messed up and want him back.” Mark leans over and kisses my forehead.
“Go, but be careful and call me okay?” I nod, hugging him again before taking his keys. Getting into his truck, I drive to Jayceon’s not sure what to expect.
Slamming the truck door I run up his driveway to the front door. Ringing it a few times, I rehearse in my head what I want to say. When the door opens, I lose my breath and forget what I want to say.
“Jayceon,” I let out. The smile on his face falls and is replaced with an expression I’ve never seen.
“What are you doing here?”
“Can we talk? Please?”
“Now?” I nod, hoping he’ll give me a chance. “I’ve been waiting to talk to you, Seona.” The way he says my name hits my chest hard. It’s not laced with love and smiles, but replaced with malice and hate. I really fucked up.
“I know and I’m sorry, Jayceon,” I cry. “I’m so sorry. I know you deserve so much more, but with my dad in town…”
“Stop,” he cuts me off. “I waited and gave you space. You broke my heart. I love you Seona. If you told me you needed time, I would’ve given it to you.”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t know. Now if you’ll excuse me I have somewhere to be.”
“A date?” I loudly say. How can he be dating already? He doesn’t answer. “You’re dating already?”
He raises a brow. “You’ve been with Brendan.”
I grab his arm as he walks away from me. We stand facing each other. I have a million things I want to say to him, but nothing is coming out. Jayceon stares at me then looks away. He pulls his arm out of my grasp and I yell out, “He’s a friend! Jayceon! Please,” I cry. “I need you.”
“I can’t do this.” He lifts his hands in the air and walks to his truck. Watching him get in and drive away is more than I can handle. I fall to the grass, slamming my hands against the moist earth. My heart shatters and I can’t breathe. I know I have no right to feel this way, but it doesn’t make it easier. Seeing the look in his eyes and how he dismissed me makes it seem as though our relationship, friendship and what we shared, didn’t matter.
Getting up from the grass, I go to the one place I know I can forget. I text Claire and Brendan to see where they are and tell them I’m heading to Vanessa’s.
Parking Mark’s car behind Vanessa’s, I run inside and find a few people in the living room. Things seem quiet.
Vanessa’s in the kitchen mixing drinks. “I need a drink now, please.”
“What happened?” she asks, coming to hug me. I tell myself not to cry. I can’t cry. I need to drown myself in alcohol for days and never wake up.
Vanessa hands me a red Solo cup, “Here you go, babe. This will make you feel better.”
We clink the cups together and I finish the drink, asking for more. I feel arms around me and look to see Chaz smiling, holding me in his arms.
“I got you girl.”
“Chaz?” The room starts to spin a little. My vision
gets blurry and I’m not sure what’s going on.
“Shhh. You don’t feel good, so I’ll take care of you.”
Chapter 27
Jayceon
The thought of Brendan spending the weekend with her makes me grind my teeth together. Whatever, it doesn’t matter what she does. The part that sucks the most is that I trusted him and yet, he’s the reason the shit rolled down hill in the first place. When Alyssa told me about their conversation at the library, I thought I might be sick. It didn’t take her long to get over me. Whatever she used me for, she wasn’t getting the chance again.
In the rearview mirror, I see her drop to the ground on her knees. This time I’m not saving her, she made her choice when she dumped me to pick up with Brendan only days later. It was like a punch to the gut when I opened the door to see her standing there. Up until the moment I realized that I was ready to run back to her if she’d let me. No more. My heart may still love her, but my brain knows that time heals all wounds.
The drive to Alyssa’s takes no time, for which I’m thankful. I need to push the last ten minutes from my memory. The minute I pull in the drive, she comes out of the house looking absolutely beautiful, and not for the first time since everything happened, do I wish that I could feel the same thing for Alyssa that I felt for Seona. My life would be so much easier, if that were the case. It may not have been a date, but there’s no reason to tell Seona that. It’s none of her business what I do anymore.
Her smile says so much about her excitement for the coming evening. Sadly, her smile fades when her eyes meet mine. My head is still so messed up from the conversation with Seona, that I’m sure whatever she’s sees isn’t good.
“What’s wrong?” she asks, concern lacing her voice.
“Seona showed up at my house when I was leaving to pick you up.”
“I’m sorry. What can I do?”
“You’re doing it by being there for me,” I say, reaching over to squeeze her hand.
Beautiful Lessons Page 20