FLYING
“Meg!” Calen was holding her arms, shaking her. She fought back to consciousness. “He’s so strong,” she whispered. “I can’t push him out. . . .”
“Meg, look at me.”
She looked. Calen was staring into her face. She wanted to smile at how serious he looked, but it was so hard to focus. She felt disconnected from her body, as though she weren’t really there. I’m not here, she thought. I’m soaring, I’m flying, getting closer. . . .
Meg struggled to keep her eyes on Calen’s. Calen was here. And he was looking at her, so she must be here, too. She must be.
“Don’t look away,” she said softly.
“I won’t,” he said. He took both of her hands and held them gently. “I’m right here with you. But you have to listen to me. Don’t try to push Jakl out. You can’t keep the barrier up between you any longer.”
“But it worked — we reached him,” she said. “It’s done.” Shapes moved at the edges of her vision. Treetops. Clouds. A blur of land below.
Calen spoke carefully. “You have to fully accept the link, Meg. I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize you had been keeping yourself apart all this time. It would have been much easier to adjust from the beginning, before the link had grown to its present strength. But you have to stop trying to push him away. You’re part of each other now. You have to embrace that.”
She was shaking her head before he finished. “You don’t understand. He’s everywhere. I can’t hold on to who I am. I keep getting lost.” She couldn’t explain.
“I think that’s because you’re still resisting,” Calen said. “Jakl instinctively reaches for you through the link. But instead of reaching back, you’re pulling away. And that makes him reach further, and harder.” He squeezed her hands. “Do you see? If you reach back toward him, meet him halfway, he won’t need to push so hard into your mind.”
There was a strange sort of sense to his words, but she didn’t want to listen. She wanted her own mind back. Alone and separate and just herself.
He seemed to be able to tell what she was thinking. “Meg, you can’t go back to before you found him. You know that. You can only go forward. There’s no way to undo it. Ever. I think the sooner you come to terms with that, the better.”
“I have come to terms with it,” Meg argued. “I know that Jakl and I will be a part of each other’s lives forever. But that doesn’t mean I have to let him take over my mind. We can be connected but still keep far enough apart. . . .” Calen was shaking his head at her. She felt herself growing angry. And desperate. “What?” she demanded. “How can you know I’m wrong? You don’t know anything about what it’s really like. You don’t know anything!”
His mouth thinned at that, but he didn’t turn away. “I know because of everything I’ve read, Meg. And because of what I saw when we worked together to summon Jakl. I could see the wall you built in your mind, and I could see how it was hurting you both. Jakl was starving for your connection. That’s probably another reason why he’s holding on to you so tightly now that he’s broken through. And I think you were starving, as well. You just hadn’t realized it yet.”
“No, Calen. You’re wrong. It wasn’t like that at all.”
“Had you been getting anything positive from the link? Was it bringing you any joy? Any happiness? Or were you mostly thinking about having to share your emotions and work at keeping Jakl out of your head?”
She didn’t say anything. It wasn’t like that. She had experienced lots of positive things. The colors. The energy. But it was true that the stronger the link became, the more she had to work at keeping herself separate. To stop Jakl from trying to share everything with her. She supposed she had slipped somewhere into thinking of the link as more of a burden than a source of anything good.
“Well, so what?” she said finally. “What does that matter?”
“People used to risk everything to link with a dragon, Meg. Why would they do that unless the rewards outweighed the danger? You’re supposed to be getting something from Jakl in this relationship. I think he’s been trying to give it to you. But you’ve been working so hard at keeping him out, he hasn’t been able to.”
Meg didn’t know what to think. What if Calen was right? Did it matter? Did she want to risk giving up what little control she still had of her own mind to find out?
But I’ve already lost that control, she realized. Calen’s eye contact was the only thing keeping her from being swept away in the rush of emotion and sensation flooding her mind. Was she going to spend the rest of her life sitting across from him and staring into his sweet, infuriating face?
And if Calen was right, holding back was not only futile; it was wrong. Jakl was depending on her. He needed her, and she kept trying to shut him out. She had to find a way to live with the link. To embrace it, as Calen had said. To live fully in the reality of her situation instead of clinging to a past that was already beyond her reach. She owed it to herself, and to her dragon.
My dragon, she thought again. Jakl had claimed her as his own from the beginning. It was time for her to claim him in return.
“All right,” she said softly. “Let me go.”
Calen looked startled. “What?”
She laughed, and his expression swirled with resentment and confusion and relief. “You convinced me, you idiot!” she said, still laughing. “You’re right. I know what I have to do. Now you have to let me do it.” Meg tried to steady her breathing and ignore her racing heart. She was caught somewhere between fear and excitement; best to let Calen see only the latter. He’d have to be brave enough himself to stand back and not interfere.
“I’m probably going to pass out again,” she told him. “Don’t try to wake me up.”
He started to object, and then visibly forced himself to stop. “All right,” he said simply. “Just don’t forget to come back.”
She smiled at him. He managed a smile back. Small, but still a real smile. “I won’t,” she promised. “You just stay here and make sure no wild animals come out of the forest to eat me.” She laughed again at his startled glance at the surrounding trees and then closed her eyes, giving herself up to the rush of sensations that came streaming through the link.
Flying. Sky. Wind. Together. Joy. Joy. Joy. Joy.
For a while there was nothing other than the fierce ecstasy of flight and the unparalleled joy of connection. Then, slowly, Meg began to find the far-flung pieces of herself and bring them together. Now she was like a twig swept along a storm-ravaged river. But at least she was a whole twig and not just splinters of wood. She grinned at the metaphor. Then grinned wider at the realization that she was thinking her own thoughts again instead of the dragon’s.
No, that’s not quite right, she realized. Not his thoughts. His feelings expressed through my mind. My thoughts, all along.
Embrace the link, Calen had said. And of course he was right. There was no sense denying what had happened. She owed it to herself to make the best of this. She owed it to Jakl, too.
Carefully, she tried to reach toward him. She couldn’t say how she did it — she had no physical presence here, just her thoughts and sense of self. As soon as Jakl sensed her awareness, he reached toward her, but with such force that she pulled back before she could stop herself. He’s so strong. Too much stronger than me.
Suddenly she realized — he didn’t have to be. That was part of what Calen had been trying to tell her. She could share that strength, make it her own. Somehow.
Gathering herself, she reached forward again, and this time when he rushed to meet her, she didn’t retreat. Instead she tried to open herself up to him, letting the rush of emotion and strength run through her instead of slamming against her. She still reeled with the force of it, but now that she wasn’t fighting, she could focus on trying to channel it, guiding the energy he sent like the banks of a mighty river, and slowly, slowly, turning it back toward him to create a circular flow of love and power that coursed between them.
<
br /> It was incredible. For a moment Meg immersed herself in the wonder of what she was feeling. Jakl’s energy pulsed through her veins until she imagined she must be glowing with the sheer force of it. She felt his joy in flight, in speed, the pleasure of stretching his wings and the warm fire that was building within him. Above all she could feel his abundant love for her and his gratefulness that she was finally linked with him completely — the way she was supposed to be. That shamed her; she hoped he could sense in return how sorry she was to have kept him at arm’s length for so long.
She hadn’t lost herself in the dragon as she had feared. They hadn’t become one being. Instead they were two that overlapped, girl and dragon, creating between them a strength and identity stronger than either of them possessed alone. Meg was still there, and herself, but she was also — more. She could live with this relationship, she realized. She thought she could learn to cherish it.
Slowly, she pulled herself back enough to become fully conscious in her own body. They were still together — they would always be together — but now the energy pulsing through her was an undercurrent to her own awareness. She opened her eyes.
Calen was watching her desperately, with that same serious expression. When she met his gaze, he flinched so slightly that Meg wasn’t sure if he had even been aware of it. But if she had needed proof that she had changed, there it was. She didn’t want to think about that now, though. She forced herself to smile. She was done with regret. Move forward, and seize what was good. So what if she was different? She was better. She was more. Calen was still her friend. He’d just have to learn to adjust. Meg felt her smile grow real, if somewhat predatory. It would be good for him.
“So,” she said. “No wild animals?” Her next thought came unbidden: Other than me, that is? She fought back a giggle. He wouldn’t understand.
“Ah, no,” he said. He looked at her uncertainly. Then with a small effort he added, “A few mosquitoes, but I think I scared them away.”
Good boy, she thought. It’s still me. You can handle it.
Energy was still coursing through her like liquid fire. It made her think of the warmth she’d sensed growing in Jakl’s belly. He’d have his fire soon, if he didn’t already. She couldn’t wait.
Her body felt weak, but she couldn’t sit still anymore. As she pushed herself up, Calen hovered nervously, ready to catch her if she started to fall.
“Do you remember where that clearing was?” she asked. “The one we passed —” When had they passed it? She’d lost all sense of time, she realized. “Was it this morning? Or —”
Calen looked at her apologetically. “Yesterday morning. You were unconscious through the night, Meg.”
Oh. Gods, another day lost. . . . She couldn’t think about that now. It didn’t matter. They were going to get back in time. “Can you find it again? Jakl’s almost here. I think that would be an easier place for him to land.”
“Oh,” he said, blinking. “Oh! Sure. Yes. It’s back this way.” He waited for her to step up beside him, then started walking. Meg felt as though she was looking around with new eyes. Everything was so vibrant. The leaves were singing in the wind.
“So . . . you’re okay?” he asked finally. “You’re not still feeling lost?”
She shook her head, smiling. “No. Not lost. Not anymore.” Suddenly she grabbed him and hugged him fiercely. “Thank you, Calen. For everything.”
He stiffened for only an instant and then hugged her back, a little more gently. “You’re welcome,” he said softly. She could tell he wanted to say something else, but he didn’t have to. She knew he understood what she was thanking him for. Without his help, she’d never have made it this far. Jakl would have swept her away forever, probably long before now. Not to mention that she’d be either completely unaware of what Wilem and Sen Eva were planning or dead at Sen Eva’s traitorous hands. “I’m so glad you’re my friend,” she whispered against his shoulder.
He squeezed her again and then let go. “So am I,” he said. His eyes were shining as he turned and led the way back into the trees.
When they reached the clearing, Meg nodded to herself. This would definitely be easier for Jakl. Excitement bubbled up inside her as she thought about how soon he’d be here. With everything that had happened, she hadn’t realized just how much she’d been missing him the last two days.
Calen was off to the side, doing his point-and-turn spell to find north. He’d said he wanted to be able to figure out where they’d been once they got back.
Something suddenly surged within her, and she looked up. There, above the clouds, a dot growing larger as she watched. He’d found them.
Calen followed her gaze, squinting. “Is that him?”
She gave him one of those stares she reserved for his stupidest questions. “No. It’s Jorn and Mage Serek, racing to our rescue on the back of a flying golden unicorn,” she said sarcastically. Calen looked at her and shook his head. Then he turned back to watch the sky. After a moment, she went over to stand beside him.
The dot grew slowly closer. It seemed to take forever. Meg’s pride and pleasure at watching Jakl fly warred with impatience; part of her felt she could not truly believe he was here until she touched him. She wished he was on the ground already. Beside her, Calen made a small sound in his throat. “He’s really high up there, isn’t he?” he said quietly.
“I know,” Meg said proudly. “It’s amazing. I didn’t realize how strong he’d become.” She suspected that part of her pride was coming from the dragon himself — he was feeling quite proud and self-important. Conceited creature, she thought fondly. She couldn’t hold it against him.
“Gods,” Calen said. “Seeing him in the sky like that — he’s enormous. I hadn’t realized . . .”
He was right. Jakl looked even bigger than when she’d last seen him. And not just big — powerful. His wings beat steadily, his scales shining in the sun, a million shades of green. Suddenly he threw back his head and roared triumphantly into the sky. She saw Calen cringe from the corner of her eye, but Meg thought the sound was beautiful. It was everything the horrid screams of the garden monstrosity had not been — strong and true and lovely to hear, like a favorite song or a mother’s lullaby remembered from childhood. As Jakl finally neared the ground, arching his back and pulsing his wings backward to slow his speed, Meg found she couldn’t wait any longer. She ran forward to meet him.
“Meg, no! He’ll crush you!” Calen cried out behind her in horror. She laughed at the idea. Jakl would never harm her. She reached him just as he touched the ground, throwing her arms around his neck and hugging him fiercely. He nuzzled the edge of his jaw against her hair and then raised his long neck, pulling her up with her feet dangling above the ground. “I see you’ve grown big and strong while I’ve been away,” she said. “Now put me down again, please. And say hello to Calen.”
Calen had walked forward cautiously. “Hi, Jakl,” he said. “Good to see you.”
Jakl rammed him playfully with his head, knocking Calen from his feet. Meg laughed again. “He’s glad to see you, too,” she said.
“Clearly,” Calen replied, scowling.
“All right, then,” Meg said, turning back to the business at hand. “Jakl, do you think you’re strong enough to carry both of us back home?” In response, the dragon crouched low, inviting them to climb onto his back. He did seem to understand her words, although perhaps the meaning came through the link, not her voice. She supposed it didn’t matter either way.
Calen made another of those small sounds behind her. Meg turned to look. His face had gone pale, and a look of horror stole across his features.
“Well, that was the idea, wasn’t it?” she asked him. “How else did you think we’d get back?”
Calen swallowed, not taking his eyes from the dragon. “I — I don’t know. I guess I hadn’t quite thought this all the way through.” He looked up at the sky, then at Meg. “I don’t know if I can do this.”
“Of cou
rse you can. Here. I’ll ask Jakl to take me up first, to show you. You’ll see. It will be fine.” She turned back to the dragon. He was so big; she guessed the hardest part was going to be getting up onto him in the first place. Jakl must have sensed her hesitation. He twisted his supple neck around, grabbed the back of her dress with his jaws, and, with a quick swinging motion, deposited her onto his broad back. “Thanks,” she said once her breath returned. In a lower voice she added, “When it’s Calen’s turn, I think you might want to let him climb up by himself.”
She settled herself at the base of his neck, where it was narrow enough that she could drop her legs down on either side. His scales lay flat and smooth beneath her. There wasn’t really anything to hold on to, so she reached forward and wrapped her arms around his neck as far as they would go. As soon as she was in place, Jakl launched himself from the ground and tore straight up into the sky.
Meg forgot to breathe. Earth and sky and clouds swept by in a colorful blur as she and the dragon shot through the air. They were beyond birds, beyond clouds, beyond anything earthbound creatures could know or understand. They were a comet, hurtling through space and time. Seconds or hours might have passed before she remembered herself and their purpose. Her back was cold from the rush of wind, but beneath her the dragon was full of heat and fire, upside down and midloop, showing off for her and probably terrifying poor Calen beyond all hope. “Enough,” she whispered, and he reluctantly straightened out and selected a more sedate pace, remaining upright and circling placidly like a pony in a ring. He was still magnificent, but Meg found herself longing for their former speed and power almost as much as he did. Another time, she promised them both. Right now they had to collect Calen, if he hadn’t run away in terror, and get home as fast as they could. She smiled at that last part, and she felt Jakl’s echo of anticipation through the link.
“But no acrobatics,” she whispered as they made their way back down to the clearing. The dragon was noncommittal.
CALEN WANTED TO THROW UP. MEG and Jakl were coming back down, and once they landed, they would expect him to climb aboard so they could leap back up into the sky and fly away home. That was impossible, of course. He could never go up there in the sky like that. He did not belong in the sky. He knew where he belonged, and that was firmly on the ground. At all times. So he would just tell Meg that she should go on without him. Maybe she could let Serek know where he was, and Serek could conjure him home somehow. Or he could just walk. How far could it really be?
The Dragon of Trelian Page 17