"Mr Banks. What are you doing out of bed?"
A male doctor stood in front of him, and he looked over his shoulder to make sure his parents hadn't heard before looked back at him.
"I need to go. What do I have to sign so I can get outta here?"
"You need to stay in for a while longer. Your blood alcohol level was very high. I strongly advise that you remain here, Mr Banks."
"No." Josh walked further out of the ward, ignoring the doctor behind him.
When he reached the stairs, he paused to breathe. Fuck, his chest hurt and his stomach and throat burned. What the fuck had he done?
❊❊❊
Josh shut the door behind him, narrowly missing a congealed puddle of vomit, and gagged when the stench of his apartment hit him. In the kitchen, he found another puddle and again gagged at the smell. Josh opened the windows and looked for some wipes and disinfectant to clean it.
Once he'd finished, he went into the living room and sat down on the sofa, slumping back, panting as sweat trickled down his back. His body felt like he'd run a marathon and all he'd done was clean up some sick.
He stared at the broken vodka bottle and the empty whisky and tequila bottles and winced. He closed his eyes, dropping his head back on the sofa when he remembered why he'd been drinking.
Matt.
Why couldn't he just accept how he felt for him? Why did he always have to push him away? Why couldn't he just be open and honest, at least to himself, about his emotions?
He opened his eyes and looked at the wall opposite him. Did he deserve to be with Matt? He knew he was a fuck up. His parents didn't give a shit about him, and he certainly wasn't going to move in with them and go to church. Fuck that! His parents only cared about Seb. They'd thrown money his way when he had asked for it, but as for being actual parents to him? That had never happened. They had only cared for Seb.
Maybe if he had done things differently in his life, they would have treated him the same way they did Seb. But there was nothing he could do about that now. And if he was honest, he really didn't give a fuck about them either. The petty crimes he'd committed to gain their attention had done the opposite. Dragging him to church. At least the people who went there had shown him some affection.
That was part of the reason why he behaved the way he did. He wanted their love. He wanted their attention. But, he never really had it. Even now he was an adult; he still wanted his parents to love him, to put him first, and it hurt, knowing he'd never have that.
Even though Seb had come out as a gay man and was in a long-term relationship with Tom, his parents still tried with him. With Josh, not so much. What had he done to deserve the way they treated him? He couldn't remember a time when they had shown him any love and affection, not like they did Seb. He was simply a mistake they couldn't get rid of because it went against God.
He pushed off the sofa and walked into the kitchen. Opening the cupboard, he pulled out the brush and pan and some disinfectant wipes, and then slowly walked back into the living room. He cleaned up the mess he'd made from where he had thrown the vodka bottle against the wall and threw the glass in the bin. Grabbing the wipes, Josh cleaned the carpet until the smell had virtually gone. Sighing, he stood and walked over to the window, staring down to the street below, wondering where Matt was.
He loved Matt. He had for a long time now. That was why he treated him the way he did. He hated himself for loving Matt. Hated Matt for making him feel this way. But Matt had admitted that he loved him, so why couldn't he accept that? Being with Matt was easy, he felt calm and at peace. Something he hadn't felt for a long time.
Turning his back on the window, Josh walked towards his bedroom and slowly sank on his bed. He sat on the edge with his hands on either side of him, gripping the mattress as he thought about Matt. Had Matt gone home? Would Matt call him again? Did he even deserve Matt in his life after the way he'd treated him? The same questions kept bouncing around his head.
He squeezed his eyes tightly shut and took in a shaky breath, feeling his chest tighten at the thought of Matt not being in his life anymore. He released his grip on the mattress and held himself tight as a cold sweat broke out over his body and his stomach turned over. He felt sick at the thought of Matt not being in his life any longer.
Josh jumped up from the mattress and strode over to the bathroom. He turned the shower on cold and quickly stripped. Standing under the cold spray, Josh wrapped his arms around him again and shivered as his skin broke out in goosebumps. He loved Matt. He wanted him in his life, and he didn't want to hide him. He was terrified. He was terrified of what his family would think of him, what his friends would think of him. More sweat covered his body, and he bit his lip. Could he stand the abuse from his family?
How long Josh stood under that cold spray, he couldn't say. But eventually, he stepped out looking at his nails and realised they were turning blue. His teeth chattered, and Josh shivered against the cold. Wrapping the towel around him, he walked into the bedroom and lay on his bed. He drew his knees up, wrapping his arms around them, closing his eyes.
Why was this so difficult? He wanted to be with Matt because he loved him. Matt completed him. But he couldn't run away from his fear of how others would see him. Maybe his parents had broken something in him when they made him go to church all those times. Maybe he'd broken something in himself. Maybe he was too broken to fix, too broken to be healed, but he wanted to be healed. He wanted Matt to heal him.
His eyes sprung open, and he ran from his bed, naked. He searched the living room for his phone, and when he found it, he ran through his contacts until Matt's name appeared. He dialled Matt's number, praying that he would answer. He didn't deserve Matt, but he knew he couldn't live without him, and it was time that he admitted this to everyone regardless of the outcome.
His hand gripped the phone tight as it continued to ring and eventually it went through to voicemail. Josh hung up without leaving a message and looked at the phone in his hand, running his thumb across the screen. Maybe this was it. Maybe Matt had finally had enough. He let the phone slide from his hand as he lay on the floor and curled up in the foetal position. He didn't feel the cold in the room; he didn't feel anything. All he knew was Matt was no longer his, and he had to find a way to fix it. He had to fix it because he loved him.
❊❊❊
Matt stood at the front door of Seb's house, wondering if he would be welcomed there. It had been two days since they'd found out about Josh. After the argument they'd had when Tom had stormed out, Matt wasn't sure if this place was still his home. Seb had thrown him out, told him to leave, and Matt wasn't sure if that was because of the heat of the argument, or if Seb meant permanently.
He heard footsteps approached from behind and turned to see who was there. He stared at Tom as Tom stared back.
"I'm sorry, Tom," Matt said as Tom continued to stare at him.
Tom shrugged. "I just don't get it. Why him? After everything he's said and done to us, why would ya be with him? Why would ya fuck him?" Tom shook his head as he ran his hand through his hair.
"I love him. I can't explain why, but I do. He needs me."
"He needs you? That piece of shit doesn't need any fucker. What he needs is to leave us the fuck alone and forget we exist."
"No, Tom. He needs us. He needs us to be there for him. I know him. I know the way he thinks and the way he feels probably better than he knows himself. The way his parents have treated him..." Matt trailed off, unsure how to explain what he knew to Tom.
"Look, Matt, I know his parents are cunts. I know how they treated him, going to church being all happy and all Christian and shit. I was there. I saw what they were like, but that didn't stop the way he behaved, and it didn't stop him doing the things he did. He let me take the blame for him getting some girl pregnant. I ended up on the streets. You know this."
"He knows what he did was wrong, Tom. He regrets it." Matt paused, wondering if he should tell Tom that Josh had a son. "He's m
ade mistakes. Shouldn't we help him? Shouldn't we be there for him, and be the family he's never really had?"
"Be there for him? Be the family he's never had?" Tom thrust a finger into his own chest. "I was there for him. I was his best mate. I stood there with him when he got into trouble, and I went along with all of his schemes and look where it got me. The first time I needed him, he turned his fuckin' back on me, and I spent four years on the street. Four long years letting any man fuck me for money. You think I'm gonna get over that? D'ya think I'm just gonna forget that my best mate threw me away? He can fuck off."
"Have you ever tried to find out why he did what he did? Have you ever sat down with him, and asked him why he let you take the blame? No, you haven't. You've just seen it from your point of view, and I understand that, Tom. I understand why you feel the way that you do. Don't forget I was on the same streets with you, doing the same things that you did to survive." Matt glanced down the street thinking of Josh. "I see something in Josh. I see that he wants to be better than what he is. He just needs us to show him the way."
"You're fuckin' deluding yourself, mate. Josh doesn't need anyone. Josh uses people, and ya know that. He's fuckin' you, isn't he? Has he introduced ya to his friends or his parents? No, he fuckin' hasn't, and ya know why? He won't, 'cause he's not gay, and he doesn't give a shit about ya. When will you open your eyes and realise that, Matt? He's just using you, and he will carry on doing that if you let him."
"Maybe he was at first, Tom. But he isn't now. He told me he loves me. He told me that he wants to be with me. I can't walk away from him and leave him to try and figure this thing out. He needs me, and I'll be there for him, and if that means I can't live here, then I'll find somewhere else to go. I'll always be your friend, Tom, 'cause you were there for me and Luke when we were on the streets together, and I can never thank you enough. But I love Josh, and I wish you could just accept that. If you can't accept that, then I'll pack my things and leave. The last thing I want to do is cause problems for you and Seb."
Tom's jaw dropped, his eyes widening before he closed his mouth and shook his head, pushing past him to open the front door. Matt continued to stare out on the street waiting to hear the door slam behind him, but when he didn't, he turned and looked at the open doorway.
"Get the fuck in here, Matt. You're letting all the cold air in."
Sighing, Matt briefly closed his eyes. His shoulders slumped as the tension left them and he relaxed his hands from the fists he'd held them in. Stepping inside, he closed the door and walked into the living room, finding Tom and Seb stood waiting. He swallowed, glancing between them, and bit his lip rubbing, his clammy hands on his jeans.
"We need to talk," Seb told him as he sat on the sofa.
Tom rubbed his face with his hands. "Yeah about how you're gonna get rid of Josh."
"He isn't. It's clear how much he loves Josh, and I'm not going to force him to end their relationship. I'm not going to force him to decide whether living here is worth giving up Josh."
"I knew you'd be like this, 'cause he's your fucking brother. It doesn't matter what he's said or done, does it? You're always gonna try with him."
"Of course I'm going to try with him. You're right, he's my brother, and he needs me." Seb shook his head. "I should have seen it. I should have seen what was going on when I came home from Uni. But I didn't. I never saw the way they treated him, or maybe I just ignored it. I don't know why, but it's clear to me now that he needed me then and he needs me more now. He's angry and troubled, and he needs our support, Tom. He doesn't need us to fight against him."
"Seb's right. You should have seen him before I left. You should have seen the way he broke down, and the way... I don't know... I don't know how to explain it. He needs us, and he needs us now. Whether he can admit that or not, I don't know. But I'm not going to walk away because it's easier. I love him, and I'll always be there for him."
"Then you're a fuckin' bigger fool than I thought ya were. Fuckin' hell, what are you two like?" Tom paced in front of them. "The guy screams hate at us all the time and you two still want to be friends with him. I don't understand it."
Matt watched Tom continue to pace the floor running his hands through his hair. Tom's hair stood up on end as he muttered to himself, but Matt couldn't hear what he was saying. Eventually, Tom faced them, and his shoulders slumped.
"This is what you two want? You want to help him?"
Seb looked up at Tom, searching his face. "He's my brother, and I can't walk away. I know this isn't going to be easy, but I want to try."
Tom closed his eyes, dropping his head back and opening his eyes to stare up at the ceiling. Matt chewed his bottom lip, waiting to hear what Tom decided. He realised that this could be a turning point in Tom's relationship with Seb, and he felt guilty for it. If he hadn't been involved with Josh, none of this would have happened.
Eventually, Tom dropped his head back to face them and sighed before saying, "Alright. I'll give it a go." Tom pointed at finger at Seb and Matt. "But you have to remember what he did to me. What I went through because of him."
Seb stood and approached Tom. "Thanks, babe. I know how difficult this is for you, and if we need to, we can always arrange that you're not here when he comes over. Whatever makes you feel better." He rubbed his hands up and down Tom's arms as Tom leant into him.
Matt left the room and went to his bedroom, closing the door behind him. He sat on his bed and dropped his head into his hands, sighing deeply. Matt wasn't sure what more he could do. He had to wait for Josh now. It was up to Josh to decide if they continued to see each other or if it was finally over.
Chapter Nineteen
Matt glanced at the door when he heard the knock on it, and it opened to reveal Luke. Luke walked in and sat on the bed next to him, resting his head on his shoulder.
"You okay?" Luke asked.
Matt choked out a laugh. "No. Not really. But there's not much more I can do now. I have to wait for Josh." Matt rested his head on top of Luke's and closed his eyes. "When did Tom come back? Last thing I heard when I was at Ben and Geoff's was that Seb was still looking for him."
"He came back this morning. I don't know what happened 'cause I left when he came in. I wanted to give them time together to sort out everything and try, I don't know, try to make things better between them."
"Well, Tom's agreed to give Josh a chance, but I don't think it'll be that easy for him. It's hard to forgive the person who caused you to lose everything, isn't it?"
Luke nodded in agreement. "He will, eventually. Tom just needs time, that's all. And Seb will be supportive, he'll help Tom adjust. He's been there for Tom through everything. He helped him get off the streets and continue his education and all the other things he's helped him with. Not once has he looked at Tom and seen a rent boy."
"And let's not forget what he's done for us. He took us on as well, didn't he? He gave us a place to stay and a chance to start over. Where would we be without Seb?"
"I know. We're really lucky to have met him. And you only have to see the way that he looks at Tom to know how much he loves him. It hasn't been easy for them. It took Tom a long time to adjust and to be able to trust him fully, but he does now. I'm happy for them, Matt. Tom deserves to be happy, and Seb makes him happy. I will always be grateful for what Seb has done for us. Maybe Josh needs you, Matt, and maybe Seb can help as well. I hope Tom can see that and can be there for you both."
"Me too," Matt whispered.
They remained sat together as Matt thought about Josh. What was he doing? How could Matt get through to Josh? How could he prove that he would always be there for him? That he would always have his back no matter what life threw at him. Even though Josh had hurt him so many times, Matt was finally beginning to understand why Josh behaved the way he did.
Josh was lost. His parents hadn't been there for him, and he'd behaved in a way to try and get their attention, but that hadn't worked. And then Seb had left for Uni and Josh had go
tten some girl pregnant, and when they blamed Tom, Josh had probably been too afraid to speak out.
All Matt knew was that nothing would have changed for Josh. That even getting some girl pregnant wouldn't have changed the relationship he had with his parents. He would probably have ended up going to church more, had more restrictions on his freedom while his parents prayed for his immortal soul.
Matt closed his eyes, feeling Luke twist around slightly and hug him. He lifted his hand and wiped his face, noticing how wet it was. Matt opened his eyes and glanced at Luke, who smiled sadly at him and squeezed him. He rested his head on Luke's shoulder, closing his eyes, feeling the tears seep from beneath his eyelids.
❊❊❊
Josh stood at the school fence watching the children run around the playground. It was easy for him to spot his son, even though this was the first time he'd set eyes on him. He looked just like him.
He looked so smart and grown-up in his school uniform with his blue jumper with the school badge and his black pants. He gripped the fence that surrounded the school and rested his head against it, feeling the cold penetrate his skin. Closing his eyes, Josh listened to the children playing. He opened them and continued watching his son as he ran around the yard with his friends. His son's smile lit up his face as he laughed and played chase.
Six years. He was six years old, and Josh had missed out on all of this through his own stupidity. Josh wished he could turn back time so that he could have been there for the most important moments that he'd had so far in his life. The first time he'd smiled or crawled or sat up. The first time he'd walked or said his first words. He missed out on all of those, and he would never be able to experience them.
The Bonds Within (Second Chances Book 3) Page 13